Where Have Men Gone? We're Right Here.
Rachel brought professional insight to the issue, having worked at Playboy for more than a decade, where she learned about the monetization of men's desire, what drew them in and kept them coming back. 'It wasn't intimacy,' she writes. 'It wasn't mutuality. It was access to stimulation — clean, fast and frictionless.'
Her essay led to an extraordinary amount of reader email, nearly all from men. Here is a selection, edited for length and clarity.
Rachel Drucker's essay captures a real and painful longing — for presence, reciprocity and emotional connection. But if men are retreating, it's not out of indifference. It's often out of exhaustion and confusion.
Dating today places enormous and conflicting demands on men. We're still expected to pay for dates, take the lead and demonstrate confidence — while also being emotionally available, deferential and self-aware. The goal posts shift constantly, and women's expectations are often unstated or contradictory.
Emotional openness in men is encouraged in theory but penalized in practice. And the risk of being misjudged, misquoted or shamed online makes genuine vulnerability feel dangerous. Many of us want connection, but not at the cost of constant anxiety about saying or doing the wrong thing.
If we're to 'come back,' as the essay pleads, it has to be to a space of mutual grace and clarity. The new normal hasn't been defined yet. We need to create it together.
Jonathan Stowe
Charlottesville, Va.
Perhaps men and women are in a holding pattern, and we don't know what's next. But as a white, urban, married father of two late teen boys, I can say it's an increasingly daunting task to meet the ever-changing expectations of what a man should be. According to women but, more important, according to ourselves and our self worth.
No one should feel sorry for us — but nor should they complain when we become introspective and quietly check our guts when deciding how to proceed.
Morgan Clark
Studio City, Calif.
I think what's going on is that for the past 10-20 years, men and boys have been marginalized, probably in response to women being marginalized before that. It feels like punishment but for something that current men never did, at least not consciously or intentionally. Everything in the culture says: women good, men bad.
What I think Ms. Drucker is asking for is leadership and confidence in men. But we've been told that those are toxic traits. So, here we are.
Justin Hornburg
Bloomfield, Mich.
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The Biggest Obstacle To Repairing a Parent and Adult-Child Relationship, Psychologist Says
The Biggest Obstacle To Repairing a Parent and Adult-Child Relationship, Psychologist Says originally appeared on Parade. Preparing for a baby, having a newborn and then raising a child are big milestones. There are so many books on what to expect with you're expecting, and now there are tons of child psychologists available on social media to help you navigate parenting your child. But what a lot of people don't talk about is what happens after the child turns 18 and is ready to leave the nest. 'I have to honestly say that while we have an entire industry and culture around becoming parents, no one really talks about how incredibly painful, challenging and also exciting it is when our children no longer need us in the same way they did when they were young,' Dr. Kim Sage, PsyD, MA, a licensed clinical psychologist in California, tells Parade. As she points out, there are a lot of emotions—some conflicting—when your child becomes an adult and your relationship is required to change. In addition to your now-adult child requiring different things from you, they are also no longer a "child," and you have to transform how you operate with each other in terms of needs and expectations. When it comes to what parents should know about kids getting older and how to cultivate a positive parent-adult-child relationship with them, Dr. Sage shares a modified quote she uses with her patients. It's a great way to keep things in perspective because you only get 18 years with your child as a kid.'If you are lucky enough to live a long life, and if your children are as well, you will spend the majority of your life knowing your children as adults, much longer than you will know them as children,' the quote says that it's important to really steer through their adolescence with that in mind. 'So, try to build a foundation in childhood upon which you can create a healthy and loving adult relationship,' she Dr. Sage's expertise, we discover what the biggest obstacles are to , how a parent can start to repair a relationship that's gone sour and what compromises likely need to be made. Related: Reasons Why Parent and Adult-Child Relationships Can Become Strained There are, of course, an endless number of situations out there that result in a strained relationship between parents and their adult children. Dr. Sage, who has four adult children of her own (and over 590k followers on TikTok), names a handful of reasons why you might be feeling tension in your own family. Unresolved pain and trauma from childhood, along with a lack of repair and acknowledgment from the parent. A lack of parental self-awareness and evolution into themselves, and engaging in new roles as "adult-to-adult" as opposed to 'adult-to-child' Unrealistic expectations, demands to be seen as "the parent" without acknowledging the adult child and a lack of respect. Know that "just because you are the parent' doesn't entitle you to violate boundaries, speak disrespectfully, etc. Emotionally immature parents, parents with untreated trauma, parents who struggle with untreated Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), etc. Poor communication: too much advice, judgment, lack of empathy, "I know better'-isms Boundary violations Refusal to accept a child for who they are as a person, partner and parent (for example, if a child or grandchild is part of the LGBTQ+ community and isn't accepted, how your child parents their own kids, if you're not making efforts to accept their lifestyle, beliefs, partner, job, etc.) Generational differences, cultural differences and refusing to see it from your adult child's perspective, being unwilling to evolve and change Mental illness, substance abuse Using money, help and/or care to control children who need help so you can maintain control or power in the relationship, make demands, etc. The Biggest Obstacle To Repairing a Parent/Adult-Child Relationship While those are some common reasons for an injured relationship, Dr. Sage shares that the biggest obstacle for parents and their adult kids has to do with the parents' inability to evolve and mold to new chapters in life.'What I have found over the years is that the greatest obstacle is in getting parents—from different generations, with different childhoods and traumas—to be open, willing and flexible enough to tolerate deeply painful emotions in what feels like 'a failure' when their adult children try to address wounds and grievances in the relationship,' she shares. She explains that she has seen 'incredible healing' in her line of work, but she's also seen 'pain that will never be validated,' and there's a lot of 'real work' to be done on both sides. This inability to change or understand where their kids are coming from can also be linked to parents who are emotionally immature or who have untreated issues such as narcissism, NPD and more. Any parent, but especially those in these camps, can find it very difficult to hear they 'didn't get it right at times,' Dr. Sage says. These feelings act as 'facts' to them that 'supersede their ability to look at themselves in an open and honest light.' 'So instead, they defend, invalidate, blame, punish or gaslight their adult children,' she continues. 'They lack self-awareness, and it's just too painful. So this cycle of invalidation and lack of repair often sets the stage for distant, toxic or no-contact relationships, especially when their adult children are really doing the work on themselves to heal and evolve from their childhood and adulthood experiences.'For those instances where parents just can't seem to come to terms with their 'very human imperfections' and 'evolve in order to heal or maintain' communication with their adult children, Dr. Sage shares that those connections may never improve. Why?'Because their parents just cannot tolerate the deeply uncomfortable emotions it brings up in them,' she explains. Related: How To Overcome Obstacles in a Parent/Adult-Child Relationship So, now that you know why certain things can affect relationships with children in adulthood, you might also want to know how to overcome these obstacles. In addition to professional help with therapy, Dr. Sage says one of the first things is just acknowledging that you need to be 'open and willing to evolve from 'being parents of children' to 'becoming parents of adult children.'' As she mentioned before, not as many people really talk about what it's like to have a child grow up, and how to navigate through that part of their (and your) life. However, that doesn't mean that your kids don't need you at all.'Most of the time, they still need us and can benefit from what we have to offer,' Dr. Sage points out. 'But in order for it to work, both adult child and parent have to separate a bit from the roles we once shared. We both have to evolve into something new.'To do this, you need to understand four key things: 1. Every child is different, and so is their experience Maybe you had multiple children, and only one of them feels a certain way about how their childhood played out, including how they were treated as kids. While your knee-jerk reaction might be that they're full of it, know that this can happen. And their experience and feelings are valid.'Each of our children had a different experience of us as their parents, even if they were born close to other siblings, and even if they grew up in the same household,' Dr. Sage says. 'Why? Because each child brings up different parts of our own childhood, each child has a different temperament, mood, set of strengths and challenges, etc. No two children are the exact same, and it's impossible to be the exact same parent to different people.'Invalidating a child who comes to you as an adult with experiences such as this can easily push them away. 2. Validate your child's experiences On a similar note, validating your kid's experience in their youth, including the emotions they carry with it, is important to creating a good connection with them as you both get older. 'It's important to honor and validate their unique experiences of childhood (not just the version we remember or the version we longed for it to be),' Dr. Sage shares. 'This means validating their thoughts and feelings when they share them with us, even when it hurts or triggers our sense of failure or trauma.' Nobody's perfect, as Hannah Montana once said. So stop trying to pretend your parent was. 'They don't need us to be perfect, they need us to listen, be open to making repairs, take responsibility and respect their requests for a new version of connection,' she 3. Let go of your expectations for their life/adulthood If you're the planning type or Type A, it can be hard to not expect things from the future, and for them to turn out how you want them to. When it comes to living, breathing human beings (which your children are), it's important not to put them in a box and accept reality. Not a dream. 'Sometimes we have to do the work of facing and grieving the life we wanted for ourselves and for our kids, and be willing to say, 'I am sorry I didn't get this right. I am sorry things were so hard for you,'' Dr. Sage explains. 'Or even, 'I am sorry that there were just things I didn't understand and couldn't help you with.' Being willing to model that we really did try our best—but sometimes we still didn't get it right—empowers and models for our children what it looks like to love imperfectly.' She says, 'If we can be imperfect parents and people, so can our children.''Even with all the best intentions in the world, parenting is the hardest job in the world—and it never ends,' she adds. 4. Validate and feel your own emotions (sometimes away from your kids) Part of this process of fixing a strained relationship is also honoring your own emotions. Just like the fact that you're not perfect, you're not a robot either.'If you're a parent, give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel and find someone safe to talk to about it,' Dr. Sage says. 'It doesn't necessarily have to be a conversation you have with your kids.' For example, Dr. Sage—who, again, has four adult kids—spoke to her own therapist about 'teenage' battles she was having with her children. Turns out, they were attempts by her kids to 'separate from' her, 'not attempts to hurt [her] intentionally.' 'When I saw it from a developmental perspective, it was less painful,' Dr. Sage explains. 'You're allowed to be upset, disappointed, hurt, etc., too, as a parent, but working this out with safe, trusted friends, therapists, is much healthier before you try to express what you are feeling with your child.' While it can be a hard trap to avoid, she reminds us that kids are not your therapists, even as they hit adulthood. So while it's important to work through what you're feeling, it doesn't always involve your child, especially if you're still figuring out what it all means. 'Even when you are extremely close to your adult child, remember that no matter how mature they are, to a point, you are and always will be their parent and someone they look to be a safe harbor,' she explains. Related: How Can a Parent Start Repairing Their Relationship With Their Child? As Dr. Sage mentioned, working on yourself as the parent is the first step if you have a broken or strained relationship with your child (adult or otherwise). Through therapy and self-reflection, you will learn how to cultivate self-awareness and self-compassion, while also pinpointing what triggers you and what trauma you have from your own childhood or life. 'It helps us to be compassionate with ourselves when our kids tell us we aren't getting it right (enough) if we know how to own our own stories, mistakes, etc., while also learning to be more empathic and kind to ourselves,' she says. 'Therapy, books, podcasts [and] groups can all be so helpful.'Knowing something is broken is the first step and, oftentimes, that can come with therapy and working on yourself. 'Beginning with the premise that most broken adult relationships are not because adult kids can't let go of the past when parents own it, but because parents are still doing harmful things in adulthood with their adult children,' she explains. Related: Where Should Compromises Be Made? In the end, parents have to be intentional about healing their relationship with their children. Dr. Sage says that working on yourself while doing the hard work to maintain a relationship is key to repairing a bond between you and your adult kids. Children should also feel like you're validating their emotions, growing and reciprocating work (not 'punishing them forever'). 'You will always be allowed to feel whatever you feel, but if they are doing the work, it's important to move toward healing together on both sides,' she every connection you have, compromises are inevitable and, oftentimes, are essential to keep a lasting relationship—even between parents and adults. Dr. Sage says that parents need to take into account that they probably need to make more compromises than their kids.'All relationships require some compromise, but if your adult child is coming to you to try to heal, I believe it takes more concessions on the parent side,' she shares. 'We are always the parents, no matter the age of our children. We've already set the stage and standard for what love, healing, compassion, connection and forgiveness look like.' Compromises should be made when: So what compromises can and should be made? Dr. Sage shares that issues such as these should have compromises that 'need to be respected and agreed upon.' How often you talk to your kids How long and when they visit How you "grandparent" (generally!) 'This doesn't mean you have to do everything perfectly, but blatant disregard for your adult child's requests will never serve the relationship well and in many cases, can be the final blow,' she explains. Compromises should not be made about: Even though concessions need to be made in relationships, there are certain instances where there are no compromises to be made. It's just a complete 'yes or no,' 'do or do not' situation. 'Lack of respect, boundary violations, name-calling, gaslighting, abuse, control, etc., are not issues in which we should compromise as adult children,' she says. Other situations that your child should not compromise on: If you (the parent) continually disrespect or violate requests and/or boundaries. Your relationship or a situation is making your child deeply stressed, sick and increasing their mental health symptoms. Problems on your end have been going on for years, and nothing has changed. If name-calling, abuse, harassment, accusations and emotionally/physically abusive behaviors don't stop. If you continually disregard who they are and/or refuse to accept them. It's a conditional relationship, a controlling relationship that includes things like gaslighting, narcissistic and toxic traits. If your child 'throws in the towel,' so to speak, it likely means that they have set boundaries, communicated their desires and tried to compromise with you—their parent—and feel as though they are not being respected or heard. This can lead to your child choosing to go no-contact with you. As Dr. Sage mentions, she has never seen someone do this 'without years of contemplation and struggle beforehand.' 'It's usually been years of pain and hurt, failed attempts, disregard of needs and requests that have caused so much pain that their adult child feels that for their own safety, mental health and peace of mind, it is their only option,' she explains. So if your adult child goes no-contact with you, those are typically the reasons Ultimately, Healing a Relationship With Your Adult Child *Is* Possible Even though it can feel impossible and like there are so many things you need to do in order to fix your relationship with your adult child, just know that it is possible. And it's so worth it in the long run. The final sentiment that Dr. Sage shares with us is a quote that she's 'tried to hold inside [her] heart' since all four of her own kids are grown. It's from the poem 'On Children' by Kahlil Gibran, a Lebanese-American writer, poet and visual artist. It says: 'Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you."Remember that as a parent, you might have birthed and raised your kids, but they are their own people and will grow into their own identities. But that doesn't mean you don't still have duties as a parent. 'At the end of the day, just like us, our adult children want to be seen, loved and accepted for exactly who they are,' Dr. Sage says. 'Not who you want them to be.'Up Next:Source: Kim Sage, PsyD, MA, is a licensed clinical psychologist in California and has a large social media following. Through her TikTok (590k followers), Instagram (77.5k followers) and YouTube (317k subscribers), Dr. Sage makes content about parents with emotional immaturity, narcissistic and borderline personality disorders, autism in women and more. She also has four courses (one is free) available that revolve around identifying your childhood trauma and learning how to heal from it. The Biggest Obstacle To Repairing a Parent and Adult-Child Relationship, Psychologist Says first appeared on Parade on Jul 16, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Jul 16, 2025, where it first appeared. Solve the daily Crossword
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The 50-Year-Old Iowa State Fair Recipe My Family Will Never Stop Making
Every August, when the Iowa State Fair rolls around, my Midwestern relatives make the trip from their scattered rural homes to the capital city of Des Moines to see one of the world's largest pigs, the famous butter sculptures, and to eat their way through the fairground's endless midway vending booths. Like the rest of us, my almost 90-year-old grandmother loves an indulgent hot, saucy, cheesy sandwich. She and my late grandfather operated their dairy and beef farm in northern Missouri for many years, stocking all of their extended families' freezers with enough ground beef and steak to collectively save us hundreds of trips to the grocery store. Though my grandmother doesn't make the trek to the sweltering, busily buzzing—albeit highly entertaining—11-day state fair any more, she still holds a soft spot for the fair's famed Italian grinder sandwich. This hoagie rolled mess of ground beef and hot Italian sausage in pizza sauce with melted mozzarella made its way from the fairgrounds to our family tables four or five generations ago. Mothers have scrawled the simple recipe onto white lined recipe cards for their daughters for as long as I can recall. The Iowa State Fair Legacy The Italian grinder sandwich (called the Guinea grinder once-upon-a-time) is a comfort food classic. The satisfying, meaty creation combines minced onion and fresh basil with shakes of fennel seed and red pepper flakes for a sandwich we come back to over and over again. It's just one of many favorites folks have plucked from the fair's culinary pages. The Iowa State Fair began as an agriculture and livestock showcase in 1854, welcoming a dairy building, machinery hall, cattle barn, and the now legendary carnival and food vendor midway over the years. Iowa's single largest event has become synonymous with indulgent deep-fried foods on a stick. Fairgoers return year after year to stand in line for bacon-wrapped fried Twinkies and juicy skewered whole pork chops. Of course, you can always get a corn dog, funnel cake or paper basket of cheese curds, but it's fun to check out the latest compilations on the 'what's new' list. In 2024, dozens of new items tempted tastebuds, including a bacon cheeseburger eggroll, lobster corn dog and the Iowa sm'oak'ed roll—a flattened pork tenderloin layered and rolled with jasmine rice, jalapeno cream corn and smoked poblano queso cut into sushi-style bites. One of the longest standing Iowa State Fair food staples, the Italian grinder is a saucy, meaty family favorite and an easy weeknight throw-together dinner. My Family's Italian Grinder Recipe Makes: 4 Italian Grinder Sandwiches Ingredients 4 hoagie rolls ½ pound ground beef ½ pound ground hot Italian pork sausage 8 ounce jar pizza sauce 1 tablespoon minced onion 1 tablespoon chopped basil 1 teaspoon dried oregano ½ teaspoon salt ½ teaspoon pepper ½ teaspoon red pepper flakes 4 ounces shredded mozzarella cheese Directions Step 1: Brown meats together in a pan over medium-high heat until no longer pink. Drain grease. Step 2: Mix onion, basil, oregano, salt, pepper and red pepper flakes into pizza sauce. Add to pan of pork and beef. Step 3: Simmer meat and sauce mixture over medium to low heat for 5 to 10 minutes, stirring regularly. Step 4: Preheat oven to 375 F. Split the hoagie rolls open. Layer each roll with the meat and sauce mixture and mozzarella cheese. Wrap each sandwich individually in foil and bake for 15 minutes in the oven. Serve hot with banana pepper rings as an optional topping. More Italian Sandwich Inspiration 20 Timeless Italian Sandwich Recipes To Try ASAP 17 of the World's Best Sandwiches Slow Cooker Italian Beef Recipe Read the original article on ALLRECIPES
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