Divorced Dad Gets His Son Therapy Without Telling Mom—Did He Overstep?

Yahoo

23-06-2025

A divorced dad recently turned to Reddit with a situation that many co-parents might find all too familiar: What do you do when your child needs help, but your ex is standing in the way?
After observing signs of depression in his 16-year-old son, and recognizing the symptoms from his own experience with mental illness, the dad decided to arrange for his son's therapy—against his ex-wife's wishes.
He claims the mom had repeatedly dismissed their son's mental health struggles and refused to acknowledge his sexual orientation. Once she found out, the mom was livid and accused him of trying to project his "demons" on their son and undermining her role as a parent.
'It is fairly common for divorced parents to clash over a child's mental health care,' says Vassilia Binensztok, PhD, a psychotherapist and founder of Juno Counseling and Wellness. 'There could be a lot of reasons behind this—a difference in values, different beliefs about mental health…worry that the other parent and child will make them look bad to the therapist, fear of an alliance forming between the other parent and child, or sometimes just a desire to obstruct everything the other parent tries to do.'
These emotional tensions can cloud a parent's judgment. Some may project their own past trauma onto the situation, while others might deny anything is wrong because they feel blamed or judged.
And for teens—especially LGBTQ+ teens—the consequences of that denial can be serious. 'Queer teens may be particularly impacted if they don't feel their romantic feelings are understood or supported, says Kenny Levine, LCSW, an LGBTQ-affirming therapist dually-licensed in North Carolina and Utah. "Early intervention gives teens a chance to build coping skills before pain turns into hopelessness.'
Binensztok agrees, noting that because teen brains are not fully developed, they are still learning to understand life and themselves. These factors make it common for teens to feel isolated in their experiences. 'Depression makes this kind of thinking even more severe. When teens don't feel understood and can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, the situation can become dangerous," she says.
Levine also says that it's not uncommon for one parent to affirm the child's identity while the other believes doing so goes against their values. 'That divide can create tremendous distress for the child.'
So, was the dad legally allowed to take his son to therapy, without his ex-wife's knowledge?
It depends on custody and state laws. 'If a parent has sole legal custody, they are typically within their rights to make mental health decisions independently,' says Kimberly Miller, JD, LMFT, CFP, an attorney, marriage and family therapist, and founder of PartWise. 'However, failing to disclose such care to the non-custodial parent may still cause relationship strain and mistrust, especially if the child shares information later.'
However, not all states have the same laws, so in most joint legal custody arrangements, both parents must be informed of and agree to major medical and mental health decisions. If one parent independently initiates therapy, it may be considered a violation of the custody agreement, which can lead to court intervention or modification of custody terms; legal complaints or accusations of parental alienation; or therapy records being subpoenaed in custody disputes, says Miller.
'In Florida, where I practice, it used to be illegal for only one parent to get their child mental health care without the consent of the other. In the past few years, that law was changed, allowing one parent to make the decision to enroll a child in therapy, even if the other opposes," explains Binensztok."If a parent has sole legal custody, they are typically within their rights to make mental health decisions independently. However, failing to disclose such care to the non-custodial parent may still cause relationship strain and mistrust, especially if the child shares information later."She says the courts in Florida realized some parents were withholding necessary treatment as a way to disagree with the other parent, instead of taking their children's needs into account. "Still, it can be really challenging to work with these families. Often, the parent who does not consent, will try to stop the process either by taking the other parent to court or threatening the therapist.'
In extreme cases, some parents will threaten to smear the therapist's name, leave bad reviews, complain to the licensing board, or even threaten the therapist's physical safety.
The bottom line is if a parent has sole custody, they're usually allowed to make decisions independently. But even then, leaving the other parent out of the loop can destroy trust, and often the child ends up caught in the middle.If a child is experiencing an acute mental health crisis such as suicidal ideation or self-harm, Miller says most states allow the parent to act alone, especially if delaying poses a safety risk. 'Therapists and clinicians generally prioritize the child's immediate well-being in these cases, even if full legal consent has not yet been obtained.'Disagreements between divorced parents over a child's mental health care are exceptionally common and often deeply emotional, says Miller. 'These conflicts stem not only from differing parenting philosophies but also from inherent beliefs, cultural values, and persistent stigma surrounding mental health treatment.'
Some parents view therapy as a strength, others see it as a sign of weakness. Some prefer religious guidance, like the mom in the Reddit post who reportedly wanted her son to speak to a priest. This divide can be especially pronounced in families with cultural or religious values that stigmatize mental illness or promote 'toughing it out' over seeking professional help, she says.
Moreover, if communication was poor during marriage, it's unlikely to get better post-divorce—especially around sensitive issues like trauma, anxiety, or depression. 'And because high-conflict divorces tend to erode trust, the situation can turn into one parent being suspicious of the other's intentions, even in matters related to the child's well-being," says Miller."Studies show that parental conflict—especially around key decisions—can increase a child's anxiety, reduce their sense of emotional security, and diminish the effectiveness of therapy."'Divorce itself may be the source of some kids' mental health challenges, which makes seeking treatment or acknowledging the issue more difficult," adds Miller. This makes it even harder for parents to acknowledge the need for therapy without feeling responsible or blamed.
In many cases, mental health treatment becomes a proxy for custody battles. One parent may resist therapy simply because it was suggested by the other, or because they feel excluded from the decision-making process. Then there's the therapy itself, which can raise concerns about what a child might reveal, potentially impacting future legal proceedings, she says.
'The real cost of these conflicts is borne by the child,' says Miller. 'Studies show that parental conflict—especially around key decisions—can increase a child's anxiety, reduce their sense of emotional security, and diminish the effectiveness of therapy.…A unified parental front is crucial for treatment to succeed. When parents are at odds, children often feel caught in the middle, leading to split loyalties and diminished trust in adults."
Sometimes, the resistance to therapy is more about cultural and religious norms than parental control.
People with certain religious or cultural beliefs often have very different takes on mental health. As with the Reddit dad mentioned earlier, his ex-wife did not accept that their son was gay and would have preferred that he talk with her priest.
According to Binensztok, some believe mental health issues are a weakness, while others believe everything should be kept private. Some even believe mental health symptoms are signs of demonic possession.
'In terms of LGBTQ+ youth, those who struggle to accept their child's [sexual orientation] can be in denial and this can manifest as anger or extreme rigidity,' she says.
Dad's behavior is legally wrong, but emotionally correct, says Latrice Knighton, Esq, a divorce attorney and marriage exit strategist with Divorce Attorney Insider. 'Dad is trying to protect his son and has taken action to mentally protect him. However, under the law, he is not entitled to make unilateral decisions.'
If there is joint legal custody, Knighton says the parents are required to make the decision together for any non-emergency medical care. In this situation, she says the Reddit dad could have violated the court order if he took the child for a non-emergency purpose.
What's more, the mom could have gone to court to file a motion for contempt, and the sanction could be criminal or civil, she says. Knighton says the dad also could have gone to court to file a motion for a modification to get final decision-making over mental health concerns.
'The courts typically try to protect a child's private sessions with a therapist and will typically limit the therapist's testimony in court,' says Knighton. 'Here, there are lots of sensitive topics—depression and sexuality—that Dad could ask the court to limit access to.'
The ideal path involves legal compliance, mutual parental engagement, teen-centered autonomy, and keeping therapeutic goals aligned with long-term family well-being, says Miller. Parents also need to respect their child's right to privacy in therapy.
"The dad may genuinely have tried to respect the teen's privacy and autonomy, but failing to communicate with the ex can fracture co-parenting and trust,' she says. 'This isn't about right or wrong in isolation—it's about striking a balance.'
Read the original article on Parents