Indian gay men are marrying straight women, breaking hearts. Coming out is too risky

The Print

3 days ago

Last month, I got the whiplash of my life. Here was this cute little gay guy, queening it out to Ghoomar on his 'close friends' Instagram Story, and the next thing I know, he's posting engagement photos, calling some clueless woman the love of his life. Meanwhile, the actual love of his life is posting broken hearts and ghazals.
One would think the full-blown, Sanjay Leela Bhansali-style weddings and elaborate sangeet numbers would be a dead giveaway, but that's wilful blindness for you. Indian parents will do anything but admit their son is queer.
As if straight Gen Zs marrying each other left, right, and centre wasn't a plague of its own, a more sinister scenario is unfolding now. Young gays are marrying straight women. And you thought beards had gone out of fashion.
A 30-something gay man from Malegaon married a woman after a six-month-long engagement. During this time, he went on his last trip(s) with his lover(s) and bid a final farewell to the ones more prone to bouts of shayari. In the photo I saw from his wedding, he was posing with about eight gay and bi men, over half of them his not-so-platonic gym bros. Some of them were married to women themselves.
It's a brotherhood of guileful gays.
A guy from Kanpur found out his gay ex had married a woman—from the ex's bisexual older brother, who also happened to be his date. Eventually, the brother got married too. It's one big dollhouse, and everyone gets their own closet.
This week, the US celebrated the 10th anniversary of same-sex marriage being legalised. It's been seven years since Section 377 was struck down in India. And while Netflix's #diverse storylines have probably rid some straight people of homophobia in these years, they haven't been able to rid the shame from Indian gay men.
I used to think this only happened with uncles and grandpas. I'd see these silver sloths on Grindr, proudly displaying 'married' on their profiles, and tell myself that they belonged to an older India, untouched by YouTube or Twitter. One could understand how they'd find themselves trapped in unhappy marriages with wives who tried one beauty hack after another to make it work.
Turns out, I was wrong. Young gays from Pune and Nashik, who wept watching Brokeback Mountain (2005) and Call Me By Your Name (2017), are repeating the plotlines, walking the pheras with wild abandon. One day, they're doing the entire Maar Dala routine in the club, and the next, they're ready to play Dr Nene.
My ex, who enjoys playing the devil's advocate far too much, wanted to complicate the conversation. It's not so simple as gays being spineless, he said. Often, when it comes to marriage and family, even men don't have a choice. Coming out is too great a risk—sometimes, a matter of life and death.
But my ex wasn't there when I had a life-changing conversation with a dear friend years ago. When she found that I was Tindering with a guy who was perhaps a little married, she questioned my entire moral system.
'As it is, women are dealt a horrible hand in marriage,' she said. 'And to think, queer men add to it too… Isn't that depressing?'
It is. After that, any guy over the age of 28 I met on dating apps or otherwise had to be screened for a ring or relationship. I was surprised at how many tried to evade the question or got outright defensive. What's a woman where male privilege is at stake?
That's why I find Badhaai Do (2022) so unrealistic. No gay man would go through the ordeal of finding a lesbian to marry when the alternative is much simpler: lying through his teeth.
Also read: India's queer politics isn't about Right vs Left. It's a matter of privilege
Play the man card
What should these gay men do? Tell their families they're samlaingik and give their parents a heart attack? I'd say a cardiologist is far less expensive than a wedding.
It's not that difficult a conversation, either, if you play your cards right. One has to start small. And don't choose the 'marriage is a failed institution' route; they've heard it far too often and will ignore it as one of the fancies of the young. Instead, mention in passing that you might marry someone from another caste. When that shock subsides, bring religion to the table. When you eventually tell them you like men, they'll probably be more relieved than outraged.
Do I truly believe it's that easy? Of course not. But you don't know how many things you can get away with just by virtue of being a man.
In a weird turn of events, the picture is changing. The younger gays, ones not jaded from the grand failure of the dating app experiment, are finding IRL romance and dreaming of marrying their boyfriends. Their love is strictly monogamous, highly sanitised, and almost holy. Straight women may be out of the picture, but hetero norms seem to be stronger than ever. Baby steps, I guess?
Views are personal.
(Edited by Ratan Priya)