‘Don't take parenting too seriously. Treat your kids like the cousins from Jalandhar'

Time of India

12-07-2025

Her impersonation of
interviewing Mamta Kulkarni had the judges in splits and won her MTV's VJ Hunt in 1997. Mini Mathur went on to enjoy a successful run as VJ and later hosted popular reality shows such as 'Indian Idol'.
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She took on a new role recently, that of a women's health coach, and has launched a platform to raise awareness about menopause. Mathur spoke to Neha Bhayana about her journey as a woman and mother to Vivaan (22) and Sairah (16)
After being a television host for three decades, you have launched 'Pauseitive', a platform to raise awareness about menopause. Tell us about your journey.
It wasn't a conscious decision to become a health coach. When I turned 45, I stopped feeling like myself. I've always been into fitness — I worked out, ate healthy, and never had any health scares. So when I started experiencing brain fog, low mood, and sudden bursts of anger, I was not happy.
I'm a very people-oriented person, but I began feeling social anxiety because I couldn't remember the names of the people I was talking to.
This was quite debilitating, especially for a TV host. I went to many doctors, and they all gave me symptomatic treatments — statins for cholesterol, sleeping pills for insomnia, and what not. But I decided to find a better answer. I started reading and connecting the dots. I realised it was basically a state of perimenopause.
I wanted to understand my condition better. I had gotten into medical college when I was younger but didn't take it up. I couldn't go back to that, so I enrolled in a hybrid course with an institution in the US. The 18-month-long certificate course led to Pauseitive, a platform for women over 40, and I hope we can completely change the way women look at their health.
In a way, this mission lifted me out of a strange place, where I felt saturated with everything I'd done in life.
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Even my kids were ready to go to college. I feel everyone should learn something new at 45.
Women's perimenopause and menopause years often clash with their kids' puberty. How can one tackle the raging hormones in the house without wounding the relationship with one's children?
Let me add one more layer to this — aging parents and cognitive decline. It is a very trying time, dealing with all kinds of hormonal changes in the house. But if you've been the kind of parent who's been continuously in touch with your children's emotions and they come and talk to you generally, then the likelihood is that they're not going to shut you out when they are 16 or 17.
I don't want to sound like 'Oh, I got mine correct'.
Not at all. There's no correct way to do this. But I have parented in a way that my kids feel confident enough to tell me everything that they are going through. I have not tried to set an example. I have shared my mistakes and flaws openly and honestly. If I drink (I'm not much of a drinker) and I feel sick, my kids are privy to that. There was a phase where I used to smoke. I wasn't one of those parents who went behind some tree to smoke and came back and gave gyaan.
I used to tell them that this is a failing I need to get rid of. They were also privy to me giving it up. They've learned from my mistakes. They know every action has a consequence. So, I've worked deep in the trenches to ensure they don't shut me out of their life.
The past four years as I faced changes due to perimenopause, I made sure they are aware of what I am going through. In fact, my son is helping me set up Pauseitive. If I am feeling out of my depth and unregulated, I tell my kids about it and they are like it is okay, mamma's not feeling like herself right now.
Let's just agree with her for now. And I'm sure we'll all work this out a little later. So, they are seeing the seesaw of emotions.
They are seeing me be mature about it. I think when you present a picture of being in control all the time, you also become inaccessible to a certain level. But if you are showing your sides to them, which are less than perfect, then I think they'll feel less hesitant about it.
So far, I have managed. I keep telling my parents that I'm blessed that my kids still want to holiday with
and me.
Most kids don't even want to attend parties with their parents. But when my friends come home, these two are out of their rooms and chatting away. My son is currently in New York, having a drink with my friend who just turned 40. They have not even bothered to tell me. I saw their post on Instagram. So, our friends are their friends, and their friends are our friends. I really love it this way. I am also aware that my kids are watching me dealing with my ageing parents and my mother-in-law who is 92 with patience.
This is very important because the way I treat my parents and in-laws is the way I'm going to get treated by them.
Both you and Kabir (a film director) have been in the entertainment industry. Are your kids going to follow in your footsteps?
Well, Vivaan had gone to University of South California to major in political science. One year down the line, he discovered they had the best film school in the world and after attending lectures by film grads, he ended up doing a double major to include film. He is definitely going to be directing and producing soon.
He's working with studios in Los Angeles right now. Sairah is in Class 12 and hasn't decided yet. One day she wants to be a sports journalist and the next, a Formula One racer.
She will decide when she wants to. One rule is clear. Nobody will do anything till they have finished college. You can't compromise on college because that's where you grow up and understand what you are about.
In an old interview, you had mentioned that you went to Malaysia for two months to shoot 'Iss Jungle Se Mujhe Bachao' a couple of months after giving birth to Sairah. Was it a conscious decision to not let motherhood come in the way of your career?
The magic word is balance. You have to adjust your purpose and your passion with time.
I am not chasing my career. My career has to work for me. It is very important for me to be there for the kids and it is equally important for me not to let go of my last vestiges of self-reliance. I want to earn my own bread, irrespective of what my husband's position is. He was a documentary filmmaker earlier and he is a big filmmaker now. I don't need to do this.
I can travel to Paris and eat croissants. But do I do that? No.
Luckily, my work as a TV host allowed me to pick projects.
And, that is the reason I've lasted 30 years in the business. I did not burn myself out doing back-to-back to back shows when I was flavour of the season. I did enough work to get my visibility on television, my money as well as time with my children. I started hosting 'Indian Idol' when Vivaan was just six months old. Kabir was very encouraging. During Season 4, I found out I was pregnant again.
I was asked to discontinue because there's never been a pregnant host on TV.
I was heartbroken. Heidi Klum, and Claudia Schiffer were on the runway with pregnant bellies, but I was told Indian audiences won't be ready. But I think Sony felt really bad. The moment I popped the baby out, they gave me a show. I left for Malaysia when Sairah was six months old. Kabir had just finished his film 'New York'. I had given birth all by myself while he was away shooting so he owed me. The time away from home was so good.
I got my body back, because it was a very physically tough show and she didn't even realise I was gone.
Basically, when I needed to have kids, I did not let work come in the way and when work came to me, I didn't reject it. I have always tried to align my shoot to finish in time for them to come back home. I used to offer to reach the sets by 7am so I could come back home by 4pm to be with the kids. Of course, it would not always work out.
Since we are on the subject of work timing, what's your take on the controversy that erupted after Deepika Padukone demanded an eight-hour work day?
I think it's a very legit demand for any mom and I think the response has been very ungrateful.
The boys' club just went toxic on her. In a country where families are so tight knit and we all have mothers who have nurtured us, here is an actress who is A-plus-plus, who has given us such loved films. She has just had a baby. You should be happy for her. You should give her that grace. If she wants to look after her baby after eight hours of shooting, how does that become a problem? This is why our industry will never progress the way the West operates where you can be openly pregnant, delivering and getting breaks to pump during shoots.
Deepika, you don't need this shit. Go spend time with your baby and work with somebody who thinks you're worth that time. I think she has earned that demand. There are heroes who come on set for two hours when they promised you a 12-hour shift. Here's a woman who's saying for eight hours she will come committed and the powers decided that it was too much of an ask. I think Deepika should just not work with such people.
Was Kabir a hands-on dad?
Well, I think one does not really need to change diapers to be involved.
Of course, he did a little bit of diaper duty because that made him feel important. But then he got very busy. He loves babies but he wasn't there to actively look after feeding, burping or homework and school meetings (he has not come for even one). What he did right at that point was that he let me take the lead and he put his entire support behind me. He has never contradicted my decisions whether I have decided that they need to move from ICSE to IB, or that they need to study and can't go on a holiday or that there will be no sleepovers.
He has never come in and said, 'You know what, I am the cool daddy, and I will allow you.' He has backed me fully and I am eternally thankful for that. I know enough people who were just not on the same page as parents. He let me play the bad cop which was not nice. But he also came in with the good-cop energy. And yes, I felt bad that I'm the one laying down all the rules but I also knew the kids were blowing off steam with him.
He's been a much more hands-on dad after they grew up.
They bond well and he looks after them emotionally. Now, he sometimes contradicts me and asks me to go easy when I don't allow them to spend too much on clothes. I believe they should wear brands only when they can afford it. But he is like 'thoda zyada ho gaya' (that is a bit too much).
Did you experience the empty nest syndrome when your son left for the US?
I had timed my kids beautifully, so I still had my little one left. She will leave for college next year and Vivaan will be back by then. But I will tell you one thing.
I don't believe in the empty nest syndrome. I've spent my life trying to make my kids independent. I made them travel at 12 and 8. Let them live their life. I am very happy. I have my work and my friends. I want to go and spend two months in Goa. I haven't been able to do that because they had school and exams.
I never holidayed while they were at school because I felt it was important that my face was the last one they saw in the morning and the first one they saw when they returned.
I've had to literally carve out time for myself. So, I'm looking forward to being free. I don't want to look at the school calendar anymore. Of course, I'll miss them, but I'll travel to where they are.
My husband was very badly hit when my son left. I've seen him cry only twice in our years together, one was when he watched 'Swades' and the second was when my son left. He literally stood in the room with tears rolling down his face.
So, he was affected by the syndrome much more than me.
What advice would you give to new parents?
Don't overthink it. I know it is a cliché, but I mean it. I am a parent who has read every book out there, but one thing I got right is that I never took it too seriously. Don't take parenting so seriously. No child has peed in their pants when they are 30. Some kids take longer, but they all eventually learn to do things. Also, don't overschedule things for them. I met someone today whose daughter is two and was going to school, play gym, piano lessons and what not.
I too have done classes for my kids, but I know they don't have to be geniuses. Sometimes, parents who push their kids the hardest to be so perfect are the most disappointed at the end. Imagine waking up at 3.30am and taking the child for swimming lessons and contests. Your kid reaches state-level competitions and then one day, declares he does not want to swim at all. And, all your effort, your entire life seems like a waste. So, don't change your life. Just treat your kids like you would treat your cousins from Jalandhar who have come to stay with you. That's what I do. Thoda mazza kar lo, thoda padne ko bol do and theek thaak nikal jaate hai. (Have some fun, tell them to study a bit. They will turn out fine). They should look at you as people who they can rely on, who they can have fun with and who they want to holiday with. They will learn the drums when they really want to play the drums. We don't have to make our kids baby Einsteins. We are just going to create nerds. Rather focus on giving them social skills. These days, kids are not talking, they are unable to converse and connect with people around them.