After husband gets sober, wife gets stuck in a funk
HUSBAND ON EGGSHELLS
A.
There's a saying that some people in recovery communities use: Time takes time. Just as it took the time it's taken for you to find sobriety, and the changes sobriety has brought about in your life, it will take time for your wife to adjust to this new world.
Get Love Letters: The Newsletter
A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more.
Enter Email
Sign Up
Your suggestions of Al-Anon and therapy are good ones, but they have to be her choice. Even though you're changing for the better, there's probably a lot of old trauma that's coming up for your wife right now and maybe that's making it hard for her to find a path to happiness.
Advertisement
The best thing you can do right now is continue to work on your sobriety and continue to have open, non-prodding conversations with her about what's going on with you, with her, and what happened in the past. Let her feel her feelings and acknowledge them. If she wants to talk, listen without making suggestions. Also, remember that right now you may not be the person with whom she can discuss this journey.
Advertisement
Transformation didn't happen overnight for you, and it won't happen overnight for her. In short, give her time.
Q.
My partner and I have been invited to a couple of get-togethers with some folks, and they've asked us to host the next one. That's fine with us, except we live in an area where wildfires are a regular concern, and one of them is married to a smoker.
I don't want to be a bad host, but I don't want the smoking. Blame it on my probably irrational fear that they could start a major blaze, and honestly, the fact that I just don't want them smoking in my yard, around my child, by me.
What can I do to make sure they aren't smoking here? Is this even an acceptable request? Do I place blame on some crazy insurance company requirement? What can I do?
BURNING QUESTIONS, NOT HILLSIDES
A.
Unless your friends are Don and Betty Draper of 'Mad Men,' they shouldn't mind a no smoking request.
It's absolutely within your right to let folks know in advance that you have a smoke-free house and that includes the yard. You can cite the very real risk of wildfires and also the danger of secondhand smoke around your child, even outside. But also, it's your home and your yard.
People who smoke understand that even outside there are places where smoking doesn't fly. Enjoy your get-together!
Q.
I'm an avid gardener in a suburban neighborhood, and, in turn, I meet lots of neighbors. There's one lady who keeps stopping by with questions for her yard, which I'm happy to share. She asked if I would go with her to the local nursery to help her select ones for her garden bed, to which I agreed. She canceled at the last minute both times via text. No apologies were given.
Advertisement
Since then, she's knocked on my door and continues to text me with questions, without a please or thank you. Her last text said she was able to pick up the plants on a specific day but wasn't feeling well enough to plant them (hint hint).
All this after I've told her no that doesn't work for me.
My husband suggested quoting her my rate for services; however, I have no desire to communicate on any level with her. Is it rude to block her and ignore her?
GARDEN PLOT
A.
Yeah, it's a little rude. Sometimes blocking is the only recourse, though.
Before you do that, have you tried telling her directly that you can't be her garden go-to anymore because of the cancellations and the lack of appreciation? That may be opening up a can of worms, and not the kind that are good for soil aeration. But if you block her without a conversation, it's not like she doesn't know where you live.
Probably best to say, 'Enough is enough' and let nature run its course.
R. Eric Thomas can be reached at
.
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Boston Globe
a day ago
- Boston Globe
Husband's eating habits disgust wife
I have brought up everything except for the smacking sound to him in the past and he always just gets this pouty look like he can't do anything right and then he is good for a while but then starts up again. Advertisement He is about to retire, and I shudder at the thought of eating even more meals with him. What can I do? Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up DINING ALONE A. The smacking sounds, while frustrating, are a different issue from his sanitary habits so address them separately. If you're sharing food or space, it's crucial to also have agreements about how to healthily coexist. Point out the things he's doing that are unsanitary when they happen - the lack of handwashing, for one (yuck!). Explain that it's something you can't abide and why. He may say it's no big deal, but it is a big deal to you. So, he has to work with you to come up with a solution. An easy-ish fix is to have separate chip bags. This doesn't get at the core issue, but it may help clear the air a little bit. Advertisement The larger issue at play, however, is a low-level disgust with some of his habits. Maybe they were bearable in smaller doses when he was working. But retirement is a different paradigm and you're both, essentially, about to create a new shared space together. If he's pouting, he's not contributing to the creation of that new space and he's not hearing what you're saying. Talk to him clearly and kindly but hold your ground. Also, consider if there are more deep-seated feelings of frustration or resentment that you can work through with him so that some of his habits don't grate as much. Q. I have an online friend, 30, who is married to a guy in his late 50s. Even though I don't know her in real life, I really like her and feel troubled by the age disparity. When she was 18, he was in his 40s. To me, this is indicative of a creep. I would like to know your opinion of men who seek out much younger women and vice versa. She says he is her best friend, but I feel like he is a troubled man-child. She is constantly leaving conversations to go tend to him. He comes across as needing her constant attention, which I find odd. The word codependent comes to mind. Her life seems to revolve around him completely. They live on his mother's property in some sort of guest house, and he does not work but is apparently writing a book. She moved from another country to be with him and had known him for a year when they married. Advertisement I know it is not my business ultimately, but do you think such age gaps (or at least in this case) spell trouble? She said to me that most women would dream of having a man like him and that he treats her very well. I wonder if this is just the infatuation of a younger woman who can't see that his preference for younger women isn't necessarily healthy. CONCERNED FRIEND A. Context is really important here. Eighteen and 40 is very different from 30 and late-50s because of maturity, experience, and a host of other factors. So, it's impossible for me to say that this is an unhealthy relationship, even though there are things he should work on in life. And I'd caution you against making such judgments, as well. Friends can be an invaluable resource when we're in relationships that don't serve us. They can point out things we might turn a blind eye to. So, you're within your right to point out things that concern you. From your telling, it's clear that you don't like him. But what's more important is whether she likes him and is in a healthy place. You feel protective of her, which is good. But don't let that desire to protect undermine her ability to make her own decisions. Online friendship can be deep and meaningful, but it isn't the whole story. If you talk to her about your concerns and she doesn't share them, accept that. R. Eric Thomas can be reached at .
Boston Globe
2 days ago
- Boston Globe
Neighbor's new rooster disturbs retirees' peace
We want to be good neighbors, but we think that we should not have to close our windows in order to get a good night's sleep. Moving the coop to another part of the yard would not solve the problem. What would you do? Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up CRYING FOWL Advertisement A. Though the gift of eggs was nice, with that early a daily wake-up call, I hope your new neighbor is prepping a full breakfast spread for you. I know that speaking up about the rooster seems like complaining, but try thinking of the conversation as part of the basis of good neighborly communication. It's possible he's grown so accustomed to the crowing that it doesn't even wake him. Start with a question: 'This is what we're experiencing; do you know of any ways that you can get the rooster to crow a little later in the day?' Chances are he might have some ideas or, in the spirit of being a good neighbor, he might go off in search of some solutions. Advertisement For instance, if your neighbor makes the rooster's coop completely lightproof and lets the rooster out a little later in the morning, it could have the desired result. However, roosters can crow at all hours of the day, to establish dominance, when they sense danger, or, sometimes, for no reason at all. There's also something called a rooster collar that can discourage crowing when worn, but after speaking with a variety of backyard chicken owners, I've found opinions are mixed about the humaneness of this device. All this and more can come out in conversation with your neighbor. You're not drawing a hard line or giving him an ultimatum. But a question may prompt him to think more about you, and he and the chickens and the rooster can all coexist happily. Q. My husband and I have been married for 21 years. When we met, we both had children from previous relationships. His son, Pete, was 12 at the time, and my daughter was 8. We did our best to blend our families, though it wasn't always easy. Pete had a difficult childhood. His mother struggled with alcoholism and often left him and his half-sister alone at a very young age. My husband stepped in and raised him on his own. We even put Pete in counseling to help him work through the trauma, though he told us later he never took it seriously and just laughed at the counselor. My ex was never involved in my daughter's life, and my husband raised her as his own. They have a close and loving relationship to this day. Advertisement Pete is now 35 and a father of two. However, even when we lived only 20 minutes away, we rarely saw him or the kids unless we made the effort to reach out. Now that we live in another state, we try to connect when we visit, but they often say they're busy or have other plans. It's hard not to feel like they're making excuses. I know this hurts my husband, though he rarely talks about it. He devoted himself to raising Pete and gave him everything he could. I wish I knew how to make this better, but I'm not sure what more we can do. WANT A HEALED FAMILY A. It is very likely Pete has unfinished work to do around healing from the trauma he experienced as a child. There may be part of him that, despite your husband's efforts, blames your husband for this. While you and your husband can support Pete from afar, he has to be the one to do the work. Relationships are ecosystems and one person's actions impact every other part. This can have negative ramifications, but it can also have positive ones. To that end, encourage your husband to work with a trained family therapist to process his relationship with Pete. There are hurts in the present and the past through which he can work. Additionally, by tending to his emotional and mental well-being now, he sets himself up better to build a relationship with Pete in the future. R. Eric Thomas can be reached at .
Boston Globe
4 days ago
- Boston Globe
Splitting the check creates rift between wife and son
Who is right? CONFUSED DAD A. Dating is about finding a person who shares one's values and vision for life. One of your son's values is, apparently, sharing expenses at a certain point. This is totally fine. Advertisement Dates can be expensive. My mother used to say, 'Romance without finance is a nuisance,' and I always remembered that when I wanted to go on a date but my pockets were a little light. Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up Your son and the woman weren't compatible in their views about paying for the date. That doesn't make him or your wife right. He was doing what works for him and openly communicating with his date about it. One hopes that he'll find someone who shares that value and has no problem splitting the check. Q. My sister stopped speaking to me because I didn't attend the wedding of her daughter, my niece. Every year I purchase very expensive seats for my husband and I to attend a two-day concert, for Father's Day. The wedding was planned on one of these days. We chose to continue our tradition. Advertisement When my sister found out, she called me screaming and brought up things she'd been holding on to for years. As always, most of this was fabricated and not true. There are many issues in my family. I have been on a healing journey from cancer, other health and ancestral trauma, and so on. She is 70 and I'm 75 years old. I want to live in peace and love for the rest of the life I have left. I feel free from family drama. My small immediate family is a blessing. My health, family, and loving friends come first. My niece and I have a good relationship. We had dinner before the wedding, and I met her husband. I am not worried about that. Although I think of my sister often, I reflect on the family drama, and feel relieved that I am not in it anymore. We are senior citizens and should be enjoying our life. What do you think? WANT PEACE AND LOVE A. Honestly, your letter had me in the first half. I thought, 'You can't skip the concert for one year?' But this isn't really about the wedding. Your niece seems to be fine with it, from your telling. So, even if your sister had bruised feelings about your choice, it isn't really her fight. What appears to be happening here is that this event is just another inflection point in an ongoing conflict. Sometimes we're in conflict with people, but sometimes they just have conflicts with us. That's the issue here. If she's bringing up issues she's had with you for years, then the wedding was just an excuse. If part of your healing journey has been setting a healthy boundary, then you should keep that boundary and not engage in further back and forth with your sister. Advertisement You wrote that you want peace. Peace can always be a shared goal, but if she's not willing or interested in working toward it with you, you can step back with love. Q. I use the exercise room in my apartment. So does a neighbor who has a body odor so strong that when he is there — or has been there in the previous few hours — I open the window, turn on the fan, prop the door open, and wear a mask. There is no staff to complain to. I feel that saying something to him would be crossing a line. Help! WORKOUT WOES A. Although a conversation is the most direct route, it might be uncomfortable and could create a tense situation for you in the building. Because the space has no oversight, take the reins by posting a community note on the door or in the room that acknowledges the gym is a stuffy space and requests that everyone should air out the gym during workouts and practice community-minded hygiene. (Think of the signs at pools that instruct swimmers to shower beforehand). Now, this depends on a level of self-awareness that your neighbor may not possess. But, short of talking to him, your next best bet is reminding him — and everyone else — that this is a shared space. R. Eric Thomas can be reached at .
