A little perspective can be real game-changer
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I got dumped on my head and instead of grieving the usual way, I accepted an invitation to go to Mexico — my favourite holiday place — to stay with some Canadian ex-pat friends, who live and work there.
It was a totally different world just five hours away by plane, and it gave me a quick jolt — a new perspective on things.
The female friends there made a big fuss over me, and gave me compliments. One of them even gave me a new haircut and I looked cool for the first time in a few years. Their guys made me laugh again. I felt important when they proudly introduced me to their Mexican female friends. I suspect the ladies were told to fuss over me. They sure did!
I came home three weeks later, feeling like a new man. My ex — who I still have to work with occasionally — didn't look so hot to me anymore. I knew for sure I could meet other people and do better than her. A lot of pain from the breakup had to do with my thinking there were no alternatives, and that I had somehow lost my one big chance.
I want to recommend to your readers getting out of town and easing breakup pain with good friends in a different locale.
— Quickest Recovery Ever, North River Heights
Dear Quickest: You discovered a great method to quickly mend your bruised ego and sore heart! Luckily you had an alternative group of good friends. When you needed to do U-turn in life, you were able to get the heck out of Dodge and recover your self-confidence.
But people need the money to fly and the friends to receive them and look after them. Some people don't have that much extra cash. If they're stuck at home, there are also some less-expensive ego-boosting alternatives. Although it may seem superficial, a new haircut and cool clothes can help you stop looking and feeling so defeated. The boost in confidence shows in your face and demeanour.
The second smart re-do may be personal counselling to speed up the healing process. Once people correct patterns that don't work, their personal lives change for the better, and often quite quickly.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My first love is moving back to Winnipeg for a great summer job, and maybe longer. She just had the nerve to email me and ask if we could be friends again, because she's lost touch with her old pals. Then she said some flirty stuff, like she might even be interested in me now that I've 'grown up.'
What a witch! Miss L., she broke my heart, and totally ruined me for a year after she left. She didn't answer my messages and phone calls — just hung me out to dry. How could she think this 'ask' was OK? Why would I help her? I hardly lived through it the first time she hurt me. What should I say to her?
— Can't Believe She Asked, St. James
Dear Can't Believe: Tell her you're not a stop-gap measure and you're not available to have either a friendship or a fling. Straight-up tell her she needs to look elsewhere for someone to use while she's finding her social bearings back in Manitoba.
Why would you open your list of friends to this ex and possibly open your heart? She rejected you once and she hasn't wanted to be back in your life before this. Just say no.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I swear I was a female flyer of some kind in another life. I am in love with all flight activities — ultra-gliders, small and big planes — and finally have the dollars saved to get myself involved taking lessons this summer.
My partner — also a woman — doesn't want me to risk my life 'and possibly die' and is kicking up a big fuss, so I won't lay down my money for lessons. Last night she cried for an hour. Yeesh!
I finally told her last night not to ask me to a make the choice between her and flying. What do you think when your partner wants you to deny a part of you that's so important? Please help.
— Time to Spread My Wings, Headingley
Dear Wings: You have already decided what you need to do, and all that remains is being true to yourself. If you deny your need to fly, you will hold this partner of yours responsible. That kind of deep resentment gets in the way of the true expression of love.
If you get involved in the flying world this summer, you will meet all kinds of people who share your passion. They'd make better mates for you in the long run, as they'd understand your feelings and cheer you on. It's important not to stifle yourself in this life!
Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.
Maureen ScurfieldAdvice columnist
Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.
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