I eat in a lot of restaurants. These are my top 8 pet peeves.

Boston Globe

3 days ago

Not long ago, he posted a manual for servers that he compiled in 1997 with jewels such as: 'When describing the menu, never say 'I have.' Always 'we have.' Saying 'I have' is affected, and an insult to the cook who made the dish."
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It made me pause. In my many years of food writing, I've realized this: Dining out is about far more than eating. It's also live theater. Restaurants are a hotbed of anthropological fodder, a chance to witness human behavior, quirks, oddities, and foibles — performance art that can slip into comedy or tragedy, depending on how the experience unfolds.
So while I'm taking notes (OK, recording voice memos) about dishes and covertly snapping photos of menus like a CIA agent, I'm also jotting down musings about things I've witnessed: weird server sayings; strange soundtrack choices; menu mishaps.
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Over the years, like McNally, I've compiled a list of restaurant pet peeves. My top eight are below. I'd love to know yours. And, restaurants, it's only fair: Customers aren't perfect. Tell me what bugs you. People who linger too long? Make substitutions based on
Saying, 'Are you still working on that?'
A favorite line as servers clear plates. This is not an appetizing question. It suggests that I'm about to open my parachute and deploy into my nachos with a hammer, pickaxe, and hard hat. 'May I take your plate?' would suffice.
Appetizers that come three to a serving
. This odd convention invites controversy. Most customers do not dine in groups of three; two or four is much more common. And so: The most enterprising of a group has to cut the appetizers in half (messy), leaving the dumpling/crabcake/foie gras hot dog to collapse onto the plate like a deflated balloon at a child's birthday party. Or else a twosome splits the dish, saying, 'No, you take the last one,' back and forth until one of them finally gets up and runs away.
Restaurants without online menus
. Such a letdown! Anticipation is an appetizer. One of the biggest pleasures of dining out is strategizing beforehand — the predinner scroll, best enjoyed while you're pretending to pay attention at a 3 p.m. meeting when you're actually deciding between thinly shaved steak or branzino drizzled with house aioli.
Menus written by a combination of ChatGPT and a Harlequin romance novelist
. By the time I've finished reading 'Swordfish pyramids atop house grain rice with hints of mint, cilantro, and zucchini ribbons with braided shallot on a rosemary cloud' I'm ready for a tumbler of gin, neatly poured over a shimmering glacier of ice.
Marketing gimmicks masquerading as food holidays
. National Ice Cream Day. National Bivalve Day. National Broccoli Day. National Take-Your-Mollusk-to-Work-Day. These promotions veiled as celebrations are gimmicky and make me wonder what's happening behind the scenes to make anyone peddle two-for-one clam strips. Just bring back happy hours.
Tipping in real time
. Used to be, you received your bill in a swanky leather folder, or at least on a tray or clipboard, so you could peruse your tab and do bad math in peace. Now, you're often presented with a payment processor tableside, server hovering, while swilling the last of your martini — the implication being that you must tip at least 20 percent or could be forced to do the dishes.
Referring to a chef as 'Chef.'
You wonder what a zucchini ribbon is, and your server replies, 'I'll ask Chef.' This convention is reserved for upper-echelon celebrities who require no introduction: Prince, Madonna, Beyoncé. A chef is a profession, not a moniker. When's the last time you asked a nurse about your blood pressure medication and they said, 'I'll consult Doctor.' If your child comes home with a poor grade, do you ask, 'Did you talk about this with Teacher?' Have you seen Accountant about your taxes yet? Perhaps it's time to visit Hair Stylist for a trim? I blame the Food Network.
Insider-y menu abbreviations that make no sense
. Maybe it's supposed to make you feel like part of an elite club when you know what Super OG Special Thicc Creamy House Bad Boy Sauce is. But I only find it confusing. Please, just list the ingredients. I really don't want to ask Chef what it all means.
Kara Baskin can be reached at