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ABC News
27 minutes ago
- ABC News
Why resentment doesn't have to mean the end of a relationship
Yvonne* first hooked up with her now-husband on the sticky dance floor of a nightclub on a balmy Sydney night when they were both 23. She felt safe with him, like she'd known him for years. They dated, got married and when the couple had their first daughter, Yvonne left her full-time job as an accountant to look after her. That was when her resentment to her husband started to build. "I took a year off and he just continued his own life. His life was still golfing and playing squash and staying back for a few drinks on a Friday night, where I'm at home just getting on with that," Yvonne tells Ladies, We Need To Talk. "The second [child] just kind of added that extra layer of stress." By the time their third daughter was born, Yvonne would try to raise the issue of her husband sharing the mental load but they would end up butting heads. He did not seem to notice the burden that she was carrying. And while there were good times, the same patterns kept repeating. "He thought he did a lot by changing nappies, and he did help at night to settle them. But it was all the other stuff, like thinking about getting out the dinners, who has the nappy bags, what are we doing on the weekend?" Yvonne says. "That mental load is because you are thinking of three other humans, yourself, and sometimes your husband as well." Yvonne and her husband sought help over the years, doing talk therapy as well as trying tactics and systems to share the mental load. But Yvonne began to notice a pattern in her husband's behaviour: He would pick up the slack while the inspiration was running hot but then it would go "out the window", she says. "I just felt like I'd tried everything, and then it just wouldn't stick." Things reached a crisis point last year. One particular incident became a catalyst for Yvonne to look for the exit. "My husband smacked my daughter, and we've always agreed not to handle the girls in that way. And it was just that step too far for me," she says. "We tried to repair, we tried everything. And I said, 'look, with all the history … I've grown, I've left you behind. We need to separate'." So they did. Yvonne and her partner tried "bird nesting", where the children stay in the family home and each parent stays elsewhere and takes turns looking after them. But she says "there was still that underlying resentment." When a romantic partnership reaches this point, it's usually over. But for Yvonne and her husband, it wasn't. So what happens if a couple chooses to stick it out and fight for the survival of their relationship? And what does it take to bring it back from the brink? Sex and relationships therapist Toya Ricci is used to seeing couples at their wit's end. By the time they come and see her, the little sores of annoyance have turned into full-blown open wounds of resentment. "Resentment is so sticky, it's so hard to get rid of," she says. "A lot of it comes back to a deep-seated hurt that's been repeated over and over again. I think couples often have the same argument, but it just gets attached to different things." Ricci says that often couples might be fighting about, say, which partner should be emptying the dishwasher, but what they're really arguing about is the deeper feelings underneath. She says there are ways to fix any relationship in need of resuscitation. But what can be needed is something as drastic as "relationship death," especially in cases of infidelity, or where trust issues or long-term frustration fester. "Because you can't go back to the relationship that you had before," she says. "That's gone. But maybe that's OK. [The question is] how do you want to build a new relationship?" By the time a couple gets to therapy, they can be ready to lash out at each other in front of a willing listener. But if resuscitating the marriage is the aim, Ricci says both sides must be willing to listen to each other and make concessions. "I think everything comes down to what our insecurities are and what we need to feel safe. So what do they [each partner] need to feel safe?" she says. "I usually start with their motivations. Like, why do you want to stay in this relationship? What's the benefit? And a lot of times it comes down to, 'oh, because we really love each other still and we want to make it work'. If you want to make it work, that's what helps you put in all the really hard work." Ricci thinks that part of this hard work of repair involves being invested in the other person and their wants and their needs. "I think a lot of times in long-term relationships, what dies is curiosity about the other person," she says. "You should always be curious about your partner and where they're at and what's happening. So you never think that you have them completely figured out." And while people might have preconceived ideas about what resentment means for the viability of a relationship, Ricci says it's more complex than it appears. "Our scripts are that it's always black and white and it's always a disaster ending. But there's so many different people who have previously thought, 'I would never tolerate it', and they are able to come back from it." Once Yvonne decided that she wanted to separate, she tried talking to her husband about their options. But he did not want to split. "I didn't feel happy and felt very alone. I said we need someone to help us navigate this stage," she says. The pair found a marriage coach whose approach felt unorthodox. "She's like, 'OK, you're going to need to have relationship death,' which is basically chucking the old marriage in the bin, because that didn't work for us," Yvonne says. "We were going into this grey zone — so you're not together, you're not married, but you're not going off shagging other people either." Yvonne and her husband weren't living together and did not talk for months, except when necessary for taking care of their children. For Yvonne, this was a time of rebuilding herself. "I was such a shell of myself coming out of that marriage, like I was just so depressed. My confidence was low. So it was just finding myself again and finding out who I actually am and reconnecting with that. And that was so empowering," she says. The time apart was similarly positive for her husband. Soon, Yvonne started coming home to a clean and spotless house. And she found out he had been waiting by the phone hoping that she would ring up for a date. After six months apart, the two met up face-to-face. Yvonne was prepared to divorce but her husband proposed another option. He repeated that he loved her and wanted to be with her. He also agreed he would walk away if that's what would make her happier. The choice was hers. "And I just froze and … there was just something in my body just saying: no, no, no," Yvonne says. "And I said, no, that's not what I want. We've got all these new, amazing tools. I want to move in together and try them." Yvonne told their marriage coach that she felt like "a fraud" for appearing to backflip on her earlier resolve. "And she said 'Well, that's relationship death'," Yvonne recalls. That decision has been part of the next stage of the couple trying to repair their marriage. "[The resentment] it's there. I still get it day to day, but like anything it's about working through it." She says there have been changes in her husband to show that he respects her in a meaningful and true way. "He now hears me," she says. "He would always try to come in and fix it, or try to put his opinion on what I think. "Now I can say, 'honey, I do not feel heard'. And then he'll just take a step back and he'll be like, 'OK darling, I hear that you're feeling overwhelmed'. And then, [he'll] just [give me] that validation of, 'I see you, I hear you'. Yvonne and her husband have been back together for seven months. Yvonne knows that her marriage might be out of ER, but it requires ongoing health checks. "We're constantly working on things," she says. "It's always going to be ongoing but that's the amazing thing, because we are modelling this for our girls; how to repair, how to communicate effectively. And hopefully seeing them bring it into their relationships one day. "But for my husband and I, I just hope our relationship only becomes stronger and deeper and we have a long life together." *Surname withheld to protect privacy
ABC News
an hour ago
- ABC News
Specialist crews sent to Moranbah coal mine to hunt for more fire ant nests
Specialised crews have been deployed to hunt for more fire ant nests at a central Queensland coal mine as authorities work to determine how they got there. The invasive species was found at the Broadmeadow Coal Mine, a joint venture between BHP and Mitsubishi Development (BMA), last week. The mine near Moranbah is at least 700 kilometres outside the existing biosecurity control zone meant to contain the "super pest" in south-east Queensland. The National Fire Ant Eradication Program's general manager of operations Marni Manning said more crews arrived at the site this week. "We do have some plausible idea of where they've actually originated from, but at this point in time, it's subject to an investigation." For materials that can carry fire ants, such as plant matter, soil, turf and quarry materials, movement from inside the biosecurity zone is restricted. Ms Manning said experts would use genetic testing to determine where the ants came from and how they got to the mine site. "We're concerned that there's been a human-assisted movement," she said. The eight nests already destroyed were found close to the middle of the mine site and Ms Manning said testing would show if they were linked or originated separately. She said characteristics of the ant colony itself would determine the nest age, how long they had been on the mine site and what the risk was for surrounding properties. In a statement, a spokesperson for the mine's operators said keeping the community and their team safe was a top priority and they were working with the experts to support eradication efforts. Ms Manning said that included exploring the use of drones for treatment. "It's quite a significant area, it's got some long grass," she said. Alongside the destruction of the nests, the treatment includes the spreading of a pesticide designed to target any ants that were not in the nests when they were destroyed. "We undertake very strict surveillance out to 500 metres from the nest," Ms Manning said. "[We] treat as we go and then what we do is a targeted surveillance out to 2 kilometres." Surveillance and eradication work at the mine site will continue for at least the next two to three years before it can be declared fire ant free, and a program to help locals identify fire ants will also be rolled out. Aggressive and with a nasty sting, fire ants have the potential to cause severe allergic reactions, and further spread could cost the the economy billions. Part of at least 10 south-east Queensland council areas are now part of the eradication zone, which was first detected in Brisbane in 2001. Funded by federal, state and territory governments, it stretches from Caboolture north of Brisbane, west to the food bowl of the Lockyer Valley and south to near the New South Wales border. Within that area is a 650,000-hectare "suppression zone" funded solely by the Queensland government, which announced a $24 million boost in funding for that effort in March. Greenlife Industry Queensland represents the nursery and garden sector, which has faced significant challenges as a result of the movement restrictions placed on businesses inside the zone. Chief executive Colin Fruk said the discovery of pest in central Queensland was alarming. "The industry is really threatened by the expansion of fire ants across the regions … it is a very concerning thing," he said. "I think there's a lot more money and resources that need to go into solving the fire ant issue. "I don't think we'll get there under current funding unless there's some kind of radical new approach to eradicating the pest." Genetic testing is also underway on nests found at a property in Tweed Heads, south of the Queensland border, in early July. In June live fire ants were intercepted in Perth in Western Australia on a pallet from the biosecurity zone in Queensland, which had been expanded the same month.
ABC News
2 hours ago
- ABC News
Meet the Tasmanian farmers keeping the English Leicester sheep breed alive after 200 years
They may not have the same star power as their Merino cousins, but for a handful of dedicated breeders, English Leicesters hold a special place on their farm. "Dad always used to say … the perfect English Leicester is just like a dining room table; a big, flat dining room table on four legs," Tasmanian breeder Fiona Hume said. On the banks of the Derwent River at Macquarie Plains, about 50 kilometres north-west of Hobart, you will find one of the country's largest English Leicester flocks. Ms Hume's family have been running sheep here since 1894, and English Leicesters since the 1950s. Because the wool does not fetch much, she admits the flock does not make a great deal of financial sense. "They're kind of this thing that you just love." It has been 200 years since the first documented English Leicesters were imported into Hobart from England. Today, the heritage breed — with its big frame and lustrous long locks — is classified as vulnerable in Australia. That is because there are just 20 English Leicester breeders in Australia and roughly 500 registered sheep. Brenton Heazlewood's family has been contributing to those bloodlines for generations. The president of the English Leicester Association of Australia is so passionate about the breed, he has released a book about their history. "What surprised me when I started the research was that the Merino people that brought them in," Mr Heazlewood said. "They wanted to improve the carcass of the merino, but still retain the merino wool." The English Leicester was developed in England by agricultural pioneer Robert Bakewell in the late 1700s, coinciding with the industrial revolution. He wanted an animal that grew a lot faster and with more meat than other breeds. Alongside Merino sheep, English Leicesters hit their peak in Australia between the 1830s and the 1930s. But numbers started to dwindle when their direct descendent, the faster-maturing Border Leicester, was introduced. And that is what Ms Hume has done, integrating them with her Suffolk sheep and crossing some with merinos to produce a small flock of good mothers. The breed is known for its long, high-lustre wool, sought after by spinners and weavers. It is this craft market that is maintaining English Leicester numbers in countries such as Sweden and the United States. But here in Australia, demand for the curly wool is limited. Ms Hume said there was certainly potential to grow the market. "I think their sheepskins and wool are really great products and I think there is enormous scope to expand in that area," she said. "If I had more time, I could be selling a lot more English Leicester sheepskins." So who is stepping up to continue the legacy of the breed? George Willows was just eight years old when he took on his grandfather's English Leicester flock with the help of his dad, Paul. Now 17, the young sheep farmer near Triabunna on Tasmania's east coast is keen to see sheep numbers grow. "They're very gentle, nurturing sheep," he said. "I've been trying to improve the growth rates, but still keep true to the breed. Mr Heazlewood is optimistic the breed's future is in safe hands. "It's all very well, old people like me having it," he said. "But you need young people to keep it going and and we have got that young base. "We're very lucky here in Australia, there's four or five young breeders interested in the breed. "So I'm confident that this future is secure, there's no doubt about that."
