Not all mothers deserve a tribute
And not every mother deserves to be celebrated. For some people, Mother's Day brings not celebration, but grief, resentment or longing. Not every mother fits the idealised image we're taught to honour.
I know a young woman who had to escape her mother's home — a place where she was made to work instead of study, where she was struck in anger, kept from friends and emotionally wounded. She left with nothing but the clothes on her back and the hope of a better life.
In many cultures — including Malaysia, where filial piety is deeply ingrained — speaking openly about painful relationships with parents can feel taboo, even shameful.
The societal pressure to honour mothers creates a painful dissonance for those who endured neglect or cruelty. Forgiveness is often urged, yet the space to name and process the hurt is rarely offered.
" Syurga di bawah telapak kaki ibu", we are told — Heaven lies beneath a mother's feet. But what if those feet have trampled on your spirit?
We're used to acknowledging the grief of those whose mothers have passed away. But we speak far less about those mourning mothers who are still alive — or grieving the mother-child bond they needed but never had.
Many are left aching for love, protection, and tenderness that never came — a hollow space where a nurturing relationship should have been.
REDEFINING MOTHERHOOD
True motherhood goes beyond biology. It isn't just about giving birth — it's about protection, care, and showing up with love. Sometimes, that mothering comes from the most unexpected places.
A grandmother who stepped in without hesitation.
An aunt who made room in her already full home — and in her heart.
A teacher who saw your worth when your own mother couldn't.
An older cousin who held you through tears or a big sister who quietly made lunches and stayed up late helping with homework.
I count myself lucky to have been raised by many women in my family — each one helping me grow, each one offering love in her own way.
BIGGER STORY
We must make space for those who felt fear at the sound of their mother's voice — who still flinch at memories of slammed doors and words that cut deep. If that's you, know this: it's okay to feel grief.
It's okay to step away from the flood of social media tributes, to skip the family brunch, to protect yourself by creating distance from a relationship that caused pain. You're allowed to honour this day differently.
How about writing a letter to your younger self? Or maybe lighting a candle for the mother you needed but never had. Spend the day with someone who showed you love — someone who chose you, nurtured you and made you feel safe.
"WORST MUM EVER" AWARD
THESE women held the title "mother", but acted like a monster.
1. Marybeth Tinning, United States, 1970s
Marybeth lost nine children over 14 years. Doctors suspected genetic illness until the pattern was too strange to ignore. Eventually, Marybeth confessed to smothering them. She was diagnosed with Munchausen syndrome (a mental disorder in which a person fakes illness) and was addicted to sympathy.
2. Mitchelle Blair, United States, 2015
Police discovered two small bodies in a freezer during an eviction. Mitchelle Blair confessed to killing them, claiming they had abused her other child. Her story, however, didn't make sense. She had a history of violence and unresolved trauma.
3. Yua Funato case, Japan, 2018
5-year-old Yua Funato was repeatedly beaten and starved by her stepfather, with her mother permitting the abuse. Yua left notes begging for the abuse to stop. She weighed only 12kg when she died of sepsis from starvation and abuse.
4. Azlin Arujunah, Singapore, 2016
Azlin and her husband abused their 5-year-old son for months, burning him with boiling water, beating him and locking him in a cat cage. He died with burns covering most of his body.
5. Foo Li Ping, Singapore, 2020
4-year-old Megan Khung suffered over a year of severe abuse by her mother, Foo Li Ping and boyfriend, Wong Shi Xiang. The abuse included physical beatings, starvation, and humiliation. MeganKhung died after Wong punched her in the stomach.
Many of these mothers suffered mental health issues and trauma, but these don't justify their actions. No child deserves abuse.
If you're in an abusive household or recovering from one, you're not alone. Help is available through Talian Kasih (15999) or Women's Aid Organisation (03-3000 8858).
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