I'm a ‘club sandwich' carer for three generations. It's driven me close to breaking point

Telegraph

3 days ago

When I was in my 20s, a young, married mother-of-two with a part-time job in a bank, I thought: 'Won't it be lovely when I'm 50 and I'll be able to retire?'
Thirty years on, in my mid-50s and 12 years off the day I can pick up a state pension, that dream seems a little comical to me.
Because although I'm still working – running not one but three wellbeing, leadership development and publishing businesses – I'm also having to look after not just my parents but my grown-up children and grandchildren too.
So, rather than kicking back and enjoying an early retirement, I find myself busier than ever. I'm one of a growing number of women who are not only part of the sandwich generation – bringing up children while taking care of elderly parents – but something of a club sandwich generation, keeping plates spinning with all three generations either side of me. In fact, there are times when I like to think of myself as a strawberry preserve making sure the family sandwich stays glued together.
Living in Bristol with my husband, Phil, 66, a retired civil servant, I've recently taken on a lot of my parents' affairs since my dad, Gerry, 86, an engineer and my mum, Pat, 82, retired last year.
Then there's my eldest daughter, who is 34, her husband and their daughter, plus my younger child, Kassi, 31. They all live in Northern Ireland and our Facebook Messenger chats are often alive throughout the day.
Sometimes it may only be to say 'hello' and see if they need to talk. Other times it's a case of: 'Mum, any chance you can come over to help with Nanny duties? We could really do with some help.' So, a flight is swiftly booked and off I will fly across the Irish Sea, juggling my own emails and phone calls while I think of fun things we can do together, such as swimming or going to the park.
I also have two stepsons. There's Craig, 39, who lives in Dorset, and Aaron, 36, who doesn't live too far away from us in Bristol with his partner, Carly, and our two other grandchildren, Jude, eight, and Ellis, six. If they need us to babysit or pick up the boys from school, we are only ever a phone call away. At the moment we do this every few weeks, but it's been more frequent in the past.
Looking after my parents and their business affairs is a fairly recent addition to my to-do list. They're both fit and healthy, thankfully, but the modern world is not set up for older people. Whether it's applying for a parking permit or paying an electricity bill, everything needs to be done online and they need my help with it more and more.
I'm also in the middle of helping them rent out some workshops that Dad used to use in his business. The other day I was dealing with getting the drains mended, arranging to have electrical work done and liaising with the estate agent. What do they say about always asking a busy person if you want something done?
At this stage in life, the rug can also be pulled from your feet at any moment. After persuading Dad to retire last year, I was organising his retirement party and life seemed to be going smoothly when suddenly we received the most terrible news.
Aaron, my stepson, had been diagnosed with leukaemia. He was weeks from death but thankfully is in remission now. But it came as a shock and we were all terrified. We rallied round, as families often do. Over those dark months, there were occasions where I would have to finish a Zoom call and then dash off from work early to pick up the boys from school while Aaron was in hospital, or I would distract them from the stress with a camping trip. It was the least we could do.
There was one horrible day in February where Aaron was in hospital in Bath with an infection after chemotherapy, and Kassi had been taken into A&E in Northern Ireland after falling ill. Leaving Phil to be on hand for Aaron, I jumped on a plane and ended up juggling work emails from the guest bedroom. There are times when you do wonder how much more you can take – having three generations to look after can be utterly exhausting.
I've had my own health troubles to contend with too. I went through a rather stressful perimenopause and menopause, which resulted in a stroke in my early 40s. Because of that stroke, I still get the occasional pain in my left arm if I'm tired. And last year I was late-diagnosed with ADHD, which gives me stress headaches. When you combine that with the fact that the pandemic nearly wiped out my business, and the fact that a family cancer diagnosis turns your world upside down, there have been times where I've felt close to breaking point and really thought I couldn't cope. Life has thrown everything at me.
I realise I'm lucky in being my own boss. I try to take Monday afternoons off and will spend some time with Mum and Dad, doing little errands or just having a coffee and a chat. I'm incredibly grateful that they're both fit and healthy. Having said that, Mum broke her wrist a few months ago and so I had to drop everything and cajole her to go to hospital. You worry for their frailty as they get older.
Bedtime is usually around 11pm. I don't drink much alcohol these days because it affects my mood and my sleep, and I try not to look at any tech. I teach sleep workshops so I do have to practise what I preach.
But over time I've developed strategies to help with the pressure of being 'club sandwich' woman.
List-making using pen and paper rather than just a computer is one thing that really helps me handle what's going on around me. I currently have around 40 things on my to-do list – everything from business development to hosting a Zoom course – but I will only pick three of the most important ones to prioritise.
I also try to turn off my laptop at 6pm. I regularly take myself to the gym and do Dancefit, ballet or swimming to keep myself physically fit. Phil and I have also just taken up clay pigeon shooting because it gets us both outside and learning a new skill.
I think I'm coping better now. Of course, I love being in the centre of my family, but there are times when I feel helpless, that I could be doing more. I come from a long line of carers and still remember my mum and nan turning up to help me when my two were little.
Every day I speak to many women in the 'club sandwich generation' and if I can help them cope with the stresses of this stage of life – work, menopause, caring responsibilities – then I'll keep going as long as I can. I'm not sure how we juggle everything sometimes. Are we the unsung heroes? I'm not sure. I do know that what we do is important; they say it takes a village to raise a child, but also it feels important to support our parents as they did us.
Besides, if I've learnt anything over the past few years, it is that people can plan but the gods will laugh at them.