These Days, There Are 'Living Room Kids' And 'Bedroom Kids' — Which One Were You?

Yahoo

5 hours ago

As young kids, my sister and I would often take our toys out of our bedrooms into the communal spaces of our childhood home. We'd use the couch as a pretend bus, the dining table as a pretend hotel. Save for the kitchen, no shared area of the house was off-limits to us, as long as we tidied the toys up afterward. We only ever used our bedrooms for sleep.
Recently, TikTok creators have been talking about the joys of being a part of a 'living room family' — as opposed to a 'bedroom family,' where kids hang out in their bedrooms instead. In many of the TikToks shared, creators break down how they think families foster these two kinds of family dynamics and how they influence kids' behavior.
According to TikTok, 'living room' kids are very comfortable in shared spaces in the house, so they spend a lot of their time there. They may do their homework at the dining table, even if they have a desk in their room. They may bring their crafting hobby into the living room without feeling anxious that their parents are there, too.
In contrast, they imply that 'bedroom' kids feel discomfort in shared spaces and much prefer retreating to their own rooms to do their hobbies or schoolwork. They feel like they may be judged or involved in conflict when they are in the same area as their parents, some TikTokers say.
'I was a bedroom kid and I never understood living room kids. Like you would willingly play where people can see you and you won't be judged?!' one comment said. Another person shared how proud they are of being a 'bedroom mom raising living room kids.'
Of course, having a home where kids genuinely love spending time in the communal areas sounds great to many of us: 'There's more opportunity for connection and conversation,' said Nechama Sorscher, a neuropsychologist based in New York City.
However, some parents may come across these videos and be struck with the thought that their kids are, in fact, the 'bedroom' kids that no one seems as excited about. Is it really so terrible if your kids aren't drawn to hanging in the common areas of your house?
HuffPost spoke with child and teen psychology experts to share their thoughts. Below, experts also unpack the reasons some kids end up as 'bedroom kids'— and what the actual important takeaways are from these conversations around 'living room' and 'bedroom' family dynamics.
Ideally, a home's communal spaces would be for the whole family to enjoy. If all family members feel comfortable hanging out in the living room or dining room, this 'will naturally lend itself to more frequent interaction and social engagement within the household, which is really important for fostering emotional security,' said Dr. Taren Coley, a double board-certified psychiatrist and the director of child and adolescent services at HopeWay.
Kids who voluntarily chill out or do their homework in shared spaces 'learn implicitly that their presence matters, that there's space for them,' said Caroline Fenkel, chief clinical officer and co-founder at Charlie Health. They also learn social and emotional skills just from observing trusted adults.
In saying that, Fenkel pointed out that it isn't necessarily the case that families with 'bedroom kids' are disconnected or don't get along with each other.
Don't panic if your kids or grandkids are perpetually in their rooms. There isn't inherently anything wrong with being a 'bedroom' kid.
Children and teens have different reasons for retreating to their bedrooms rather than being in the living or dining room, Sorscher said. After all, they are people with their own personalities, tastes and tolerance for socializing.
'Understanding your kid's dynamics is really essential,' she added.
Some kids are bedroom-dwellers because they need some private time for hobbies, to listen to music, watch a show or be in a quieter environment to recharge. Kids can be introverts too, after all.
'Some kids really need a lot of downtime to be in their room and to have quiet. And those are also kids that tend to get very easily overstimulated,' Sorscher said.
But don't let TikTok's almost unanimous praise of the 'living room' lifestyle fool you; there are actually plenty of green flags about 'bedroom' kid behaviors, too.
'There are a lot of benefits for kids to know how to amuse themselves, to be able to be in their room and entertain themselves,' Sorscher said. 'What happens when the kid has a lot of time alone is that they can be very creative. They can be very resourceful. They can figure out their own interests and their own passions.'
It can help kids become self-reliant and lead to independence, added Coley.
Your kid wanting privacy or alone time to regulate and recharge isn't an issue. However, some kids do hole up in their bedrooms for more concerning reasons that might need your attention.
If they are suddenly isolating themselves in their room a lot more, while also displaying other drastic behavior changes — such as withdrawing from social activities or family routines they used to participate in, wanting to sleep most of the time, missing meals, or being more irritable or disengaged — then pay closer attention, Coley said. Especially if it persists for several weeks.
'If you're starting to see multiple of those things occurring, that's where a parent needs to be curious,' said Coley.
Approach your child with kindness, asking them, 'I noticed that you were spending more time to yourself, what's going on?'
From there, depending on the kid's age and what they share with you, you can ask how you can support them or get in touch with a trusted mental health professional for more guidance.
There are also kids who escape to their bedrooms because the rest of the house does not feel welcoming for them to hang out in. On TikTok, adults shared that they grew up as 'bedroom kids' because they often felt unease, discomfort, tension or anxiety in the shared spaces of their home.
'If there's conflict between the parents, kids are extremely sensitive, and they'll pick up even the whiff of a conflict, and this gets them stressed out,' Sorscher said.
There also could be behaviors or standards in the home that the adults aren't aware they are modeling — like being critical, judgmental, intrusive or demanding constant interaction just because the child is in the same area of the house, or having incredibly strict rules around keeping the shared spaces clean that lead to anger or stress when the seemingly inevitable play mess takes over a space.
Of course, a comfortable couch and pleasant room temperature help. But these aren't the be-all and end-all.
Fenkel said to ask yourself: Do my kids feel safe bringing their full selves into shared spaces of our home?
A shared space that feels safe for your child to be in is one where they will not be consistently criticized, judged, lectured or commented on, said Sorscher. If they accidentally spill a drop of milk while eating cereal, their dad isn't going to blow his lid. If they are learning how to bake, their mom isn't going to scrutinize. It is also a space that is calm.
If you aren't sure where to start, it can be as simple as learning to just share space quietly together: sit on the couch with them while they play video games, or pour them a bowl of their favorite snack while they are doing homework.
'These are cues that say, 'I'm here, you matter and I want to spend time with you,'' Fenkel said.
If you want to say something, be encouraging and show genuine interest. But you may also not need to say anything. Just being there with them is enough.
'You don't always have to directly interact with somebody to enjoy their company,' said Sorscher.
TikTok creators like to put the 'living room family' dynamic on a pedestal, but experts offer a gentle caution. Being a family that hangs out together a lot is great, Sorscher says — assuming the child remains confident to exist independently, do their own thing outside of the family and make their own choices when they are apart from their parents.
'When we are talking about key parts of development, sorting through identity, and figuring out the path to becoming an independent adult, you want your child to learn to grow and have time outside of the family,' Coley said. 'So if a child is really hesitant to do that, then there needs to be curiosity on why that is.'
Observe whether your child feels confident to choose their own thing, even if it means that they're not doing what the rest of the family is doing. If they don't seem comfortable, gently invite them to share why.
Consider also whether you have inadvertently contributed to them feeling anxious or guilty for spending time doing things outside of the family.
And from there, Sorscher said, you can encourage your child to make some choices for themselves and to do something they enjoy on their own or with their peers.
Instead of being hung up on 'living room' versus 'bedroom' family debates, focus on making room for genuine emotional connections with your kid on a regular basis, rather than the rooms of your home they are drawn to.
'Really, the goal is building emotional connection,' Coley said. 'And you have to figure out what works best for your family.'
If you're not sure, ask your child or teen for ideas, or brainstorm some options together to test out. When the conversation starts flowing and your child is sharing their thoughts and feelings with you, Fenkel recommends you 'sit on your hands and just listen' and really give them the space to express themselves. Resist any urges to lecture, blame, guilt, overreact or shut down their ideas and opinions.
And, on your end, think about what type of setting and activities have helped your child connect with you in the past. Was it when you carved out 15 minutes after work each day to play catch in the yard? When you took them out for a drive for ice cream and fries? When you joined them to watch their favorite TV show and chatted about your favorite moments afterward?
'Naturally, shared activities or hobbies lead to conversation,' Coley said, 'and those are the things that can build strong relationships and a strong foundation for kids as they age to be able to continue that type of communication with their parents.'
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