‘I'd be cruel': Thi tried to push J.Y. away, then the reason came out

Sydney Morning Herald

26-05-2025

I still find social situations tiring, but I have a different energy reserve for Thi. When she's around, I calm down. She's the only one who has that impact on me. I hope it's the same for her.
Thi: J.Y. saw that I was a chef and messaged me online. She had a list of restaurants she wanted to hit: they were pretty good, so we started as dining buddies. My housemate said, 'J.Y. is everything you want in a person: smart, strong, grounded.' Our relationship blossomed; I fell in love. We could have conversations about anything. I'd always had to be independent, but I found someone who challenged me. I wanted to be a better person, not just for myself but for the relationship. I come from a family where you don't talk about emotions.
It's a lot to move from 'Thi, my partner, who's a chef' to 'Thi, who's head chef and my business partner'. She saw a whole other side of me and she was shocked. For me, everything was about the restaurant: the relationship came second. My upbringing was so repressed that I thought I was OK, but as we felt the pressure of running a business, I started to unravel. I tried to push J.Y. away because I knew she deserved better. I'd be cruel, hoping she'd go. But she stayed.
I don't remember the exact point I told her about being abused. I would've been triggered by something, lashed out, and with J.Y. being so calm and wanting to talk, it would've come out. I remember sitting on the plane to Sydney, watching a father pick up a little girl, probably his daughter, to go into the toilet. I shut down. I became really cold to J.Y. My brain was working overtime: what's happening in there?
'I said, 'I'm thinking about working in Antarctica for six months.' She's like, 'Go. I'll be here.' '
Thi Le
I knew my partner shouldn't be the punching bag. In 2019, I said, 'Either we break up or we find a way to work through this together.' I booked a random trip to Corsica and we went on a hike. I remember being on a mountain looking into a valley. We couldn't see a single person. I thought, 'I'm this little speck. Wow! There's so much to see. And I'm with an amazing person: I actually want to do this.' There was a point in my life where I didn't want to be on this earth any more; it was easier to go to sleep. That was the turning point. I started taking on creative hobbies. I severely decluttered. Now she sees a different side of me, happier and calmer.
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Writing a book about Vietnamese cuisine made me anxious because my upbringing was sad, not the typical chef story of grandmas and sunshine. I was burnt out, I couldn't think. I'd open The Age and, every day, some woman was either being killed or beaten. It made me think that I should tell my story. If our book, Viet Kieu [ out now ], helps one person, it's worth it.
It scares me to think about my life without J.Y. – would I still be here? I'm the luckiest person. I said to her, 'I'm thinking about working in Antarctica for six months.' She's like, 'Go. I'll be here.' I trust her with my life. And when she's in the dining room and she talks about my food, I think, 'Oh, my god, she understands me.' She says if the restaurant shuts tomorrow and we've got a huge debt, nothing matters as long as we're together.