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CNA
31 minutes ago
- CNA
Safe spaces for him: Why men need support groups run by other males for their well-being
It started as a regular workshop about building confidence in the workplace. Facilitators Toh Zi Kit and Brian Liu had participants digging deep into their doubts and worries, confronting unhelpful narratives they had internalised that were holding them back. To close the session, the pair invited everyone in the room to complete the sentence: 'If I was more confident, I would …' with a personal reflection. The responses were heartfelt: If I was more confident, I would stop doubting myself. If I was more confident, I wouldn't be so afraid to tell people what I thought or share my ideas. 'And then we got to this guy … the typical finance bro archetype,' Toh recalled. This man had displayed a 'nonchalant, laidback, lackadaisical persona' throughout the workshop. 'He got up and said: 'If I was more confident, I would have bought Nvidia stock a year ago.' And at that point, me and Brian just kind of sighed. We could see the whole room filled with a little of that half-nervous laughter, and we were a bit frustrated because we felt that's not the spirit of the exercise.' Just like that, Toh felt a wall go up. The rest of the room, who hadn't shared yet, followed with responses that became 'a little more surface-level'. They weren't 'vulnerable' anymore. The incident was part of a larger pattern that Toh and Liu, who work in the corporate learning and development space, recognised. The participants seemingly more resistant to deeper conversations in such workshops were often men – faced with perceived emotional vulnerability, they would 'armour up'. And such behaviour starts young, they realised after speaking with their friend and early childhood educator Titus Ting. 'Titus would notice it in the way that young boys are parented. Some parents would tell off their son for crying, for dressing a certain way, for asking for a toy that's not predominantly a boy's toy,' said Toh. These insights became the foundation for Bros Before Woes, which the three friends co-founded in November 2023. The initiative aims to give men a safe and supportive environment to reflect on their lives, struggles and the man they want to be. 'We were fortunate enough to feel that if times got hard and if we needed to get called out on certain things, we had men in our lives we could trust to give a good opinion or be a solid sounding board," said Toh, 30, who shared his team's experiences with CNA Lifestyle. "And we felt the problem with a lot of men is that they don't." Since July 2024, Bros Before Woes has hosted monthly 'Bro's Night' gatherings. These are structured and intentional sessions, allowing men to express and confront themselves openly. 'What men's spaces really give men is the ability to be seen by other men; to be accepted, embraced and supported by other men. Then you'll know it's not just you (dealing with an issue). Other men are going through it too, and they see you as no less of a guy. That's powerful,' Toh said. Movement coach and dance choreographer Hafeez Hassan hopes to provide a similar space with The Brothers Circle, which he founded in April 2021. The support group for men is centred on meditative movement and group activity, tapping into fitness culture, which Hafeez believes men tend to already be interested in. 'Most men, including myself … we all aim to have a certain kind of status. There's a lot of worry about what we would lose when we make ourselves vulnerable. Because of that, our walls have become too thick to the point that we need lots of different kinds of intervention,' said the 42-year-old. 'So it's good for men to be back in their bodies to regulate their nervous system, because most are always in their heads,' he added. 'I encourage them to move so that their energy gets distributed well in their system. And when they can feel regulated and safe, then they can express themselves.' And such spaces may be equally, if not more, important for elderly men, noted Melissa Teo, a senior volunteer management executive with Methodist Welfare Services (MWS). Tasked with understanding why older men weren't participating in community programmes, she found out that many viewed seeking help from active ageing centres as a sign of weakness. They also didn't enjoy activities that appeared to cater to women. What they valued was instead a sense of freedom and friendly competition – which shaped the Men-Only Happy Hour programme she launched in August 2023 for the MWS Active Ageing Centre at GreenTops@Sims Place. The programme ended up attracting men in their 70s and 80s – a group often more socially isolated – as both participants and volunteers who now run the show. It's held every Wednesday at a void deck beside the centre; the open and informal location is unlike, say, a community centre which can feel more confined. To keep things lively, there is the occasional mini challenge to tap into their competitive nature. 'You can (have) many good programmes, but if you're not specifically targeting these men because you're only concerned about not being seen as sexist, you're not reaching out to the needy,' Teo added. The need for such spaces has never felt more urgent. A total of 314 suicides were reported in Singapore in 2024, the Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) said earlier this month. Of these, 202 were men. Men's well-being entrepreneur Ian Tan, whose background is in psychology, launched TheBrotherBu earlier this year. He runs one-on-one coaching sessions for now, and has realised men often anchor their identity to productivity. This shapes the language they use to talk about – and to – themselves. 'If the voice in your head – which is the one that you talk to most – isn't encouraging, and it just berates you, tells you you're not enough, tells you that everyone else is doing much more and you need to do more, then it's very difficult to have some self-respect,' said the 38-year-old, speaking from experience. He'd helmed boutique gym chain Ritual as its co-founder until it collapsed and closed during the pandemic. 'But if you adjust your self-talk, you'll feel more respect for yourself, then I think we have an opportunity to detach self-worth from productivity.' UNDERSTANDING THE EXPECTATION TO PROVIDE Yet, unlearning cultural norms might take a painful reckoning. According to provisional data from SOS, the largest increase in suicides was observed among adults aged between 30 and 39. Individuals in this age group experience a range of complex pressures linked to "family issues, job stability and mental health challenges", the suicide prevention centre said. These pressures add up to what Toh calls the 'provider expectation' – the common thread in conversations during Bros Before Woes sessions about what makes being a man 'so difficult and isolating at times". Being the 'man of the house' implies a constant need to remain reliable and steady. This expectation can even affect how men allow themselves to experience joy, as one participant's sharing highlighted. 'I just wish I could get married to the girl I love without (thinking about the) ring and wedding, and questions like whether your career is stable or whether you're ready to start a family. I wish that 'I want to marry you' was enough, but many times, it seems like it's not,' he had said. But more often than not, it results in a weighty expectation to 'be strong', despite the growing narrative in mental health spaces that it's okay for men to cry. 'Sometimes women put pressure on us to be emotional. They want to see us cry, to be vulnerable … but how can I do these things that you say I should do?' said Toh, articulating a common internal monologue among men. 'I don't have the chance to. I don't have the permission to. If I stop, if I give up, if I take a break, everything crashes around me.' TheBrotherBu's Tan has had similar conversations with '100 per cent' of his clients so far. For years, many would go out of their way to schedule countless work meetings in a week, while reserving the whole weekend for their family. But what they consistently left out was time for themselves. The result is a build-up of 'unnecessarily aggressive' self-talk and a deeply ingrained habit of emotional suppression, especially within relationships. And when those bottled-up feelings finally surface, the process is rarely smooth. 'A guy might think: I want to talk but I don't know what to say. I have to connect the feelings to the words. It's very difficult. Then you have your partner who's so ready to talk and you feel overwhelmed,' said Tan. 'Or, your partner, because they've also been waiting to connect, they have frustrations. So they open up. Then you open up the floodgates. You get overwhelmed. It sometimes feels like being slammed down.' But it's not as though men don't know the importance of sharing their feelings. They have simply been taught to 'just not deal with it, be strong about it, brush it off, not cry', Tan added. 'So what's a typical thing that a guy would do? I'll hold it until I just cannot take it. Then when I see (my wife) and something small happens, I have a blowup or a meltdown or something. 'And then now, for the first time in a decade of being with this person, she sees her husband cry.' A "UNIQUE NEED" FOR MEN TO SUPPORT MEN As such, male spaces serve as a practice ground of sorts for men to hone their listening and communication skills, helping them build their own 'psychologically safe environment' beyond these groups. 'To practise with your female friends or female partner, many times it feels like they might not understand, or they might try to tell me how to do it and guide me through,' said Tan. View this post on Instagram A post shared by Ian Tan | Men's Wellbeing (@thebrotherbu) Likewise, Toh has learnt from running Bros Before Woes that men process and express emotions 'extremely differently' from women. Contrary to the stereotype that men aren't good at expressing emotion, 'we found that guys are so deep and so in touch with how they're feeling', he said, having seen the power of sharing and listening to each other's stories. Many just don't have the words for feelings, until they 'hear other dudes express their feelings and tell stories about their experiences'. Then they remember their own similar experiences and how they felt. 'It gives us that permission to share, but also sometimes gives us the language,' Toh said. And while he stresses that any work that men are willing to do – such as seeing a female therapist, which is common – is a 'massive step in the right direction', he sees a 'very unique and important need for men to help and support other men'. Chiefly, these interactions are opportunities to reflect on and define the masculinity they want to embody. 'We (believe) that most men would choose to be good fathers, to be good partners, to live a life of fulfilment,' he added. 'Many times, the shortcoming is due to men feeling like they don't have the ability to choose and they're subconsciously forced into certain narratives or traditional roles.' BEYOND MALE-ONLY SPACES Yet, the work cannot stop at male-only spaces, for men's well-being doesn't only affect men. Following the pivotal incident with the 'finance bro archetype' in the workshop Toh facilitated, where the participant's answer palpably shifted the vulnerable mood in the room, he recognised such an image that men 'curate' doesn't just affect them individually. 'It actually has a big impact on how other people show up and how safe they feel to be honest, to show vulnerability and to really be authentic in the way they put themselves forward.' Once men become more comfortable expressing themselves in safe, male-only spaces, they must learn to take that emotional fluency into the rest of their lives – whether at home or in the workplace. This can resemble learning how to be emotionally 'soft' with a young daughter, said Tan, who has a five-year-old himself. While the instinct may be to prioritise working hard to provide overshowing affection, many men soon realise that these 'old models' of masculinity fall short. It can mean being a decisive leader at work who also creates belonging – and when there are tough calls to be made, to make them with clarity and compassion. At the Men-Only Happy Hour programme by Methodist Welfare Services, it has led to elderly men feeling less intimidated to walk into an active ageing centre to seek financial help, said Teo. Getting this demographic to overcome that mental hurdle in the past would have been near impossible. Another 'unexpected result' she's observed is the chance to mend and strengthen family relationships. 'Their wives now find it easier to ask their husband to join them on their outings,' she said, adding that one even managed to heal his strained marriage. 'It's not just a programme but it provides a platform to change their mindset, to correct themselves … and eventually they get very comfortable in coming. The men will find themselves a second home here.'
CNA
2 hours ago
- CNA
New Mandai crematorium and ash-scattering garden to open on Aug 15
SINGAPORE: A new crematorium and ash-scattering garden will open in Mandai on Aug 15, the National Environment Agency (NEA) said on Monday (Jul 28). Located next to the existing Mandai Crematorium and Columbarium complex, the new Mandai North Crematorium will use automated guided vehicles to transport coffins and lockers for ash collection. It has six service and viewing halls and can house 18 cremators, but will begin operations with three halls equipped with nine cremators. It will start with four cremation services daily and ramp up progressively in the coming months. NEA said it will fit out the remaining halls and add the additional cremators to meet an anticipated increase in demand for cremations in future. For comparison, the existing crematorium, which opened in 2004, has four halls and 12 cremators. The crematorium and garden span about 2.4ha, slightly more than half the size of the Padang. Annual resident deaths are expected to increase from about 25,000 in 2024 to around 40,000 by 2040, NEA said. Meanwhile, the demand for inland ash scattering has increased from around 900 applications in 2021 to over 2,300 in 2024. 'The new crematorium will provide additional cremation capacity, and the (Garden of Serenity) will provide an additional option for the inland scattering of ashes,' said NEA. 'They will enable us to continue serving the nation's needs in the years ahead.' Bookings for cremation slots will open on Aug 9, and the crematorium and garden will be open daily. The garden will be open from 9am to 5.30pm except when it is closed for maintenance. Singapore also has two private crematoriums, but NEA handles more than 90 per cent of cremations. ASH-SCATTERING GARDEN The Garden of Serenity is the second inland ash-scattering garden in Singapore, after the Garden of Peace opened in 2021 in Choa Chu Kang. Ashes can also be scattered at sea or stored in columbariums or at home. The Garden of Serenity, which is within the new Mandai North facility, has four ash-scattering lanes in the shape of a leaf. Granite boulders that were excavated during its construction, which started in 2017, are used for seating along the lanes. The garden also features a pond and lush foliage, meant to create a peaceful and dignified environment. Each lane in the garden is named after a flower and is around 10m long. Ashes can be scattered on pebbles, which sit atop granite chippings and soil. Water sprinklers or canisters can be used to help the ashes filter through the layers. Religious ceremonies or rites, including the burning of joss sticks, leaving of food offerings and playing of music will not be allowed. However, fresh flowers can be placed on racks around the garden. At 750 sqm, the Garden of Serenity is much smaller than the Garden of Peace, which is 9,500 sqm in size. NEA said that accumulated "ash soil" will periodically be transferred from the Garden of Serenity in Mandai to a designated location in the Garden of Peace in Choa Chu Kang to ensure that people can continue to use the smaller garden. The fee for ash-scattering at the gardens is S$320. AUTOMATION, QR CODES Mandai North Crematorium will make use of technology to ensure service reliability, including through the use of automated guided vehicles to transport coffins. At the existing crematorium, staff members push a trolley carrying the coffin. Funeral service providers will receive a cremation permit with a QR code, which must be scanned outside the service hall to ensure that the casket is at the right hall at the right time. The automated guided vehicle and screen outside the service hall will also reflect the deceased's name, the date and the time, before the casket is unloaded from the hearse. A QR code on the automated vehicle will be used for verification before the coffin is placed into a cremator. Attendees will then need to be seated before the automated guided vehicle transports the casket to the front of the service hall. The service halls feature slopes instead of steps, to improve accessibility for wheelchair users. At the new facility, the viewing hall – where mourners watch the casket being transported toward the cremators – is located directly in front of the service hall. This is unlike the existing Mandai Crematorium, where the service halls are a distance away from the viewing halls. NEA said the building layout was designed to minimise walking distances, especially for elderly visitors. "A one-way visitor circulation flow caters to back-to-back cremation services, minimising the need for arriving and departing groups to cross paths. This arrangement provides a degree of privacy for each group of visitors and facilitates a sense of closure for the bereaved," the agency said. The new waiting halls at Mandai North Crematorium are also enclosed with glass panels to provide more privacy to families. When the cremated remains are ready, an ash collection permit with a QR code will be sent via email. The registration process will involve verifying the applicant's identity, before a queue number is provided and an ash-sorting room is assigned. When the queue number is called, family members can scan a QR code to unlock a locker containing the ash box. There are three walls of lockers, and the lockers open one at a time for each wall. Families can perform final rites in the ash-sorting room. Each room is equipped with a table, a bench and a wash basin.
Straits Times
3 hours ago
- Straits Times
Science Journals: Lessons from weird fish sold in Singapore's wet markets
Find out what's new on ST website and app. An assortment of seafood is laid on the ground at Jurong Fishery Port. They are placed on ice to retain their freshness. SINGAPORE – Just like how the depths of the deep sea are home to strange, little-known creatures, Singapore's wet markets also dazzle visitors with a rich diversity of seafood. Even after spending a year surveying the seafood sections of markets here, Mr Elliott James Ong and Mr Kenny Lek say there are fish they have seen only once. United by a love for seafood, the pair founded Pasarfish in 2024 . It is an initiative that researches and teaches the sustainable consumption and heritage of seafood sold in supermarkets and wet markets. Despite the long tradition of Singapore's wet markets, little is known about the rich variety of catches that these ageing facilities showcase, with the last catalogue compiled in the 1990s by the Primary Production Department. The median age of market stallholders is 63, according to the National Environment Agency, which manages most of the markets here. Mr Ong, 29, and Mr Lek, 33, started compiling their own catalogue from June 2024 to fill this gap in knowledge. 'Knowing the identities of these fish and their abundance allows us to track their origins, fishing methods and sustainability,' said Mr Ong. Top stories Swipe. Select. Stay informed. Singapore Sewage shaft failure linked to sinkhole; PUB calling safety time-out on similar works islandwide Singapore Tanjong Katong Road sinkhole did not happen overnight: Experts Singapore Workers used nylon rope to rescue driver of car that fell into Tanjong Katong Road sinkhole Asia Singapore-only car washes will get business licences revoked, says Johor govt World Food airdropped into Gaza as Israel opens aid routes Sport Arsenal beat Newcastle in five-goal thriller to bring Singapore Festival of Football to a close Singapore Benchmark barrier: Six of her homeschooled kids had to retake the PSLE Asia S'porean trainee doctor in Melbourne arrested for allegedly filming colleagues in toilets since 2021 Pasarfish marries the co-founders' seemingly incompatible passions of food and conservation by advocating for consumption of seafood that does not drive marine life to the brink of extinction. As at July, Pasarfish has collected data on more than 200 species sold in markets here, with the hope of pushing for more traceability and sustainability assessments of Singapore's seafood supply chains. Of all the creatures catalogued from their visits, a strange golden fish from a small bucket at Tekka Market in Little India stands out. The stallholder selling the semi-translucent species told Mr Lek that it was an Asian arowana. But the only resemblance between the mystery specimen and the arowana was a large, upturned mouth. When pressed further, the woman said she had bought the fish from Jurong Fishery Port, which handles the vast majority of Singapore's imported seafood. Mr Lek said: 'They didn't really have an idea of where this species actually came from and whether it was caught on a regular basis. Of all the creatures catalogued from Pasarfish's visits, a strange golden fish from a small bucket at Tekka Market in Little India stands out. PHOTO: PASARFISH 'They just bought it from this fish trader from Jurong Fishery Port from a random bucket.' The fish's identity was unravelled on the same day with the help of Major-General William Farquhar, the first British resident and commandant of colonial Singapore. A Google search of the fish's features netted a 19th-century picture from the Farquhar Collection, a series of watercolour paintings by Chinese artists of flora and fauna that the leader commissioned. Said Mr Ong: 'It was a perfect match.' The painting was labelled in a neat, slanted script, with one of its local names, ikan biang biang, otherwise known as the shorthead hairfin anchovy. The pair theorised that the fish was likely commonly found at markets back then. The mystery of the anchovy stemmed from the fact that it had been forgotten and people now no longer know how to cook it, they concluded. The coastal fish is common in Indonesia and Malaysia, where it is usually fried or salted. In Sarawak, the anchovy features in a raw fish delicacy called umai, where thin slices are cured with the sour juice of a native palm fruit and tossed with tropical herbs. It is unclear why stallholders buy fish they do not know since the species tend to be unpopular with consumers, said Mr Ong, who has encountered such situations several times. He added: 'Honestly, they go at very low prices, so there's no commercial value.' Still, these weird finds can contribute to science. Some of the anchovies were delivered to the Lee Kong Chian Natural History Museum, where they will remain as physical records of fish sold in Singapore markets. Dr Tan Heok Hui, the museum's senior collection manager of fishes, said the species was collected because it was uncommon in Singapore. 'Once it is deposited in the museum, it provides a time stamp, a possible genetic resource and historical record,' he added. 'The fact that it is uncommon in the trade in Singapore could lead to its inclusion into social history and trends of consumption.' Such resources can aid comparative studies as well as the tracking, tracing and managing of fish reserves. Wet markets can also be treasure troves for discovering new fish. Dr Tan said: 'Not all fish are possible to catch with your own hands or set of tools. I would rely on fisherfolk for their skill set with larger nets to fish from deeper waters.' Through forays into local markets in Indonesia, his team has uncovered new species such as the Crossocheilus obscurus carp and Hemibagrus velox catfish. Yellowtail fish, which are traditionally overharvested, being sorted into baskets at Jurong Fishery Port on June 20. ST PHOTO: ANG QING On a grim note, considering a fish weird can be a symptom of overconsumption. Worldwide, overharvesting has driven marine species' populations down, erasing them from collective memory as they become harder to find. This was witnessed during Pasarfish's market tours to raise awareness about seafood heritage and sustainable consumption, said Mr Lek, when only older folk recognise the species sold. I joined Pasarfish on one such tour at 2am on June 20 to learn more about Jurong Fishery Port, Singapore's sole port for fish. The cacophony of different tongues reflects the international diversity of the port's wholesale market, where about 100 merchants display piles of fresh seafood kept fresh with ice. There was hardly a moment of stillness throughout the two-hour tour. Sweaty men in yellow rubber boots processed prawns, sorted fish and shouted at idle buyers to get out of the way as they dragged baskets of slimy produce. Mr Ong and Mr Lek's knowledge was apparent, as out of more than 80 species of seafood at the port that they shared details about, only one species baffled them. After a brief search online, they identified it on their Instagram page as the Hawaiian ladyfish. Three ocellated parrotfish at Jurong Fishery Port. One of these was given away for free during the June 20 Pasarfish tour, a common practice for unpopular fish. ST PHOTO: ANG QING Another unusual fish we saw is the ocellated parrotfish that a fishmonger gave to Mr Ong for free, a practice often used to dispose of unpopular catch and build rapport. Eating certain fish perceived to be strange, however, can be a good choice, as doing so can be more sustainable for popular species. During the tour, our group of six encountered varying sizes of yellowtail fish, traditionally used to make fish balls. Mr Ong explained: 'This was historically one of the most common fish in Singapore. But they're not as common any more because the fish stocks are depleted.' He pointed out that the smaller yellowtail we spotted were signs of overfishing and unsustainable practices, with the fish not having had time to grow before they were caught. Instead, Mr Ong recommended using a wider range of fish for fish balls to avoid pressuring a single species. Other substitutes that can and have been used include wolf herring, milk fish and pike conger. To help consumers make better choices, Pasarfish plans to launch a guide of 60 common fish from its year-long survey by listing their local names, price ranges and sustainability recommendations.
