My Husband and I Prioritize 'Preventative Couples Therapy.' How It Can Divorce-Proof Your Marriage.

Yahoo

8 hours ago

I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married. Not because I didn't believe in love, or because I'd had my heart broken too many times, or any of those other tired tropes that are often attached to a jaded rom-com protagonist. No, simply put, after witnessing my parents' messy divorce that dragged on for most of my childhood, and well into my teen years—I was a bit disillusioned by the whole thing.
When I thought about the idea of marriage, it stirred up all these negative feelings, as if my body was actively rejecting the entire concept. So, I guess, I fell into a trope after all: The child of divorce who was skeptical about marriage.
When I met my partner, however, it felt like my brain began to rewire, slowly creating new pathways and softening my skepticism. As our relationship got more serious, I found myself imagining a long-term life with him—traveling the world, starting a family, growing both individually and as a couple—I even began entertaining marriage as a possibility.
I may not have been raised with a clear example of a healthy partnership, but I wanted to try to forge one, with him. And so, after nearly 10 years of dating, we collectively made the decision to get engaged.
My only stipulation: I wanted us to start going to preventative couples counseling.
One of the silver linings of my parents' divorce was that it landed me in therapy from a young age, and I've been going off and on ever since. However, despite being a big fan and advocate of therapy most of my life, it took a pending engagement to consider this kind of work with my partner. After all, there weren't any glaring issues in our relationship to remedy—we were nowhere near a breaking point, but rather on the verge of a joyful chapter.
While proactive couples counseling isn't the norm, therapists actually wish people would treat it just like any other preventative health practice. 'Most couples come to counseling in crisis or when they're at a point where one person has lost feelings of love and warmth toward the other,' says relationship expert Morgan Cutlip, PhD. 'This makes the process of repairing and building back the relationship that much harder.'
I remember seeing this play out with my parents, who made feeble attempts to seek therapy when I was young. But at that point, the structure of their marriage had seemingly eroded beyond repair. As Cutlip flags, it's much more beneficial for couples to consider therapy before they 'need' it, so sessions can be spent helping 'develop the tools, perspective, and communication skills to prevent major issues from developing down the road.' In fact, this work can help happy couples at any relationship stage, she adds, from the honeymoon phase to new parenthood.
I didn't want to wait until my relationship was falling apart to learn how to fix it. Instead, I wanted us to build a strong foundation and have the tools necessary to mend the relationship whenever cracks began to appear.
Thankfully, my partner was very receptive to the idea from the moment I brought it up. So, shortly after our engagement, we made an appointment with a trusted therapist.
In the first session, we shared our story, how we met, the highs and lows of our relationship, and so on. We talked about our individual childhoods, and our own perceptions about marriage. After that initial session, we began seeing our therapist monthly.
I'll admit, I had moments when I wondered if this was actually a waste of time—after all, I thought we were in a pretty solid place from the start. But, really, it's ideal for anyone invested in the 'long-term health of their relationship,' says Shannon Chavez Qureshi, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist, adding that preventative work is especially beneficial, 'during life changes that can add stress or disrupt the natural flow of connection in the relationship.'
This became very apparent as our wedding loomed, and the stress of planning began to shine a spotlight on some of our individual triggers and emotional wounds. (Truly, if you ever want to uncover any unresolved family or personal issues, plan a wedding.) Therapy proved to be such an asset in helping us navigate this joyful yet tumultuous time—and I will forever be grateful for the additional support.
In each session, we would bring up everyday examples—a tiff over some wedding detail or a bigger challenge we were both navigating together—and unpack them. Through this work, we began to realize small yet significant ways in which our communication styles weren't aligned. As any therapist will tell you, communication is the foundation of a good relationship—so, naturally, honing that skill is a key part of couples counseling. 'You get to build strong communication patterns, learn how to navigate conflict in healthy ways, and better understand each other's emotional worlds,' says Cutlip. 'It's a safe space to raise concerns early and strengthen your sense of being on the same team.'
Through each discovery in therapy—whether it was regarding how we process emotions differently, or how unresolved childhood issues crept into our interactions with each other—I began to have a new layer of appreciation and compassion for the man by my side. In fact, I found myself falling even more in love as we got to know each other on a deeper level than before. It felt incredible to find new, healthier ways to work together through everyday problems and communicate more effectively.
While doing the work, we also gained unique insights about our individual selves. Our discussions often illuminated areas of our mental health that we could continue to work on in our solo therapy sessions. This experience was equal parts surprising and cathartic, and only further validated the importance of couples therapy to me.
After each session, we were given new reading material and exercises to work on together at home. Were we always perfect about doing our homework? Of course not, we're only human. But I did start to notice incremental changes in the way we approached disagreements or miscommunications—it brought an even greater sense of security and peace to our household than I'd even imagined was possible.
Now, we've pivoted from our monthly sessions to quarterly, while recommitting to our own separate therapy work. Nevertheless, we are determined to make preventative couples therapy a mainstay in our relationship. Not only did it help us get through the high-stress process of planning a wedding, but I now see that it will be so beneficial as we navigate other big life changes.
'While no one can predict the future, having the open dialogue and tools necessary for anything that may be of concern to you will help you in a scenario if/when times get tough,' says Lyndsey Murray, LPC-S, CST, an AASECT-certified sex therapist.
Another benefit of preventative couples therapy is the fact that both of you are signaling to each other that you are fully invested in your partnership. I've heard it said that a relationship is a living, breathing thing, and taking time to really nurture it can help build a deeper emotional intimacy. 'Telling each other 'this amount of work is worth it to me for the sake of our relationship' can really make partners feel important to the other, strengthening their bond,' says Murray.
When I look back on my initial motivations to try couples' counseling, it felt like I was checking a box—proving to myself that I was different from my parents, and therefore the outcome of my relationship would be different, as well. But, the reality is, there are so many factors beyond my control, and I have no idea what will happen over the course of our marriage. What I do know is, right now, I feel proud and grateful for the opportunity to grow alongside my favorite person.
First, you'll need to bring up the idea with your partner. When you start the conversation, it's important to make it clear nothing is wrong, you'd simply like to keep things running smoothly and set yourself up for success.
Cutlip suggests approaching the chat with curiosity and care, by saying something like: 'I love what we have, and I was thinking it could be really cool to carve out some time to focus on us. I read about couples doing therapy before there's a problem, and I thought it could help us stay strong and connected.'
From there, together you can find a therapist who aligns with your needs and goals. 'If you're just starting out, look for therapists who specialize in relationships or even consider programs or workshops designed for couples,' says Cutlip. 'You can also use books or guided conversation tools to supplement between sessions. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.'
Sure, it can be difficult to prioritize something like couples therapy when there isn't a glaring issue to address. But try to shift your mindset: Consider it part of your relationship wellness routine, rather than crisis management. Start by going once a month for a couple of sessions, then decide what kind of cadence feels right from there—and consult with your therapist to see what they suggest. After all, making it a regular ritual can strengthen your connection, help you navigate changes, and gives you space to reflect and grow together.
And you can make it fun! 'If you view it as a way to learn about each other and also learn about yourself, it becomes easier to make it a regular part of your routine,' says Murray.
Just remember: Therapy isn't about fixing your partner—it's about strengthening the partnership, says Cutlip. 'Going in with a mindset of growth and collaboration makes all the difference. When couples invest early, they often feel more connected, more seen, and more equipped to handle whatever life brings.'
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