Help! I Love Everything About My Partner. But I'm Afraid to Tell My Parents What He Does for Work.

Yahoo

07-07-2025

Hi Advice readers! Have you ever thought about writing into Prudie? Now's the time—our inbox is in need of more questions! Conundrums big and small are welcome, and of course, it's anonymous.
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we're diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers.
Dear Prudence,
I'm in my early 20s and dating a sex worker. I love our relationship, and I am happy he is doing something he takes pleasure in and is proud of. I'm personally comfortable with his job. We talk a lot about it and he is extremely transparent about his activities. But some people in my life that I have told have been uncomfortable, and I'm dreading telling my parents. I know they won't react well but I don't want to force him to lie about a part of his life he is proud of. I tend to care too much about what people think, and others' judgment of my partner tends to affect me quite a bit. Is it something I should stop the relationship over? I'm afraid of being unjust to him by 'hiding' this part of him to some of the people around me.
—Dating a Sex Worker
Dear Dating,
I think the first person to discuss this with is your partner! Does he want you to tell your parents about his work, or is it possible you're putting the cart before the horse here? Plenty of people are upfront about their sex work but aren't in any rush to disclose it to a new partner's parents, so I wonder if it's as high up on his list of priorities as it is on yours. This is likely not the first time he's had to consider the possibility of dealing with the reaction of his partner's relatives, so he may have his own set of interests, his own plans for a cover story, etc., and you should seek to learn more about them first. If you're absolutely convinced that you'll fold under the weight of your parents' disapproval, should you ever discuss your partner's work with them, and that you'll be unable to defend and support your partner in such a situation, then that's worth discussing with him now. But that's a discussion to be had, not reason to unilaterally end things because you've already run the various possible scenarios in your mind and determined all outcomes in advance. You may decide to break up over this, or you may find an unexpected resolve somewhere within your spirit and realize you're capable of proudly avowing your own decisions and values even if your parents cast a stern eye over you.
Some worthwhile questions for the future: Do you care 'too much' about what all other people think, or are there specific people whose opinions you traditionally give a lot of extra weight to? Do you just defer to whomever you spoke to most recently? Whomever seems the most upset? If they invoke feelings of shame and repression? What's happened in the past when you've pushed back against your parents' disapproval? Have you ever pushed back? Might you ever like to push back against something in the future, and if so, how will you separate your fear of punishment or disapproval from your sense of yourself? Perhaps more immediately pressing—do you consider sex work a question of 'personal comfort,' where it's fine for you to respect your boyfriend as an individual but equally fine for someone else to potentially demean, as long as that's within the limits of their own 'personal comfort'?
—Danny M. Lavery
From: Help! My Friend Lost Several Pregnancies. How Do I Tell Her I'm Happily Expecting? (March 15, 2021).
Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I have fundamental philosophical differences regarding the treatment of guests. As an example, he thinks it's weird and fake that I go through extra effort to clean the apartment before we have a guest come to stay. I think it's a common courtesy? He also gets offended if I put guests' needs before his—for example, if I'm not free to do something he wants to do because I'm hosting someone from out of town. Some of our biggest fights have been about this!
This was one factor in our decision that he should move out of our shared apartment and that we should take it slow as we try to figure out if we're compatible as a couple. But now I'm not so sure, because his move-out date coincided with—you guessed it!—a visit from a friend, which had been planned for months. He knew this upfront, and I tried to help him pack before she arrived. No dice; there was always something better for him to do. So, on the day of his move, I had planned to be showing my friend the sights of the city. All day I got guilt-inducing texts about how sad he is about leaving our apartment and how he has no help moving. In his mind, I should have left my friend to her own devices for a few hours so I could be there to give him emotional support.
I get that it's an emotionally fraught situation—I was an emotional wreck at the thought of him leaving, too—but I feel that this would have been super rude of me. He only thinks about his own feelings and not my friend's or about what a ridiculously awkward social situation he's put me in. Part of me wants to drop him like a hot potato, but part of me still really cares about him. Am I stupid to want to try and make this relationship work?
—Boyfriend Doesn't 'Get' Guests
Dear Guests,
Just as an aside, I would love to know what your boyfriend thinks is 'fake' about cleaning an apartment before a guest arrives! 'This dirt is really authentic to our relationship, and I want Moira to really get that during her visit.' But to answer your question: The only thing 'fake' here is the self-created nonemergency your boyfriend is trying to guilt you over. The date of his moving out was not a surprise, you tried to help him for months, he chose to prioritize other things, and now, like the grasshopper and the ants, he's trying to make you feel bad for his failure to plan.
When I was a kid, I used to ride horses. Invariably the kind of brisk, super-together women who ran the stables had signs on their offices with whimsical-yet-no-nonsense slogans like 'A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine' and 'I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.' I lived in terror of displeasing them, and I hope they all live to be 100 years old. Channel a bit of these horsewomen's energy as you try to continue your relationship in separate houses. Is he interested in being your partner, in supporting you even when he doesn't feel the same way about a particular situation? Or is he interested in making you feel unreasonable for wanting to have guests and letting him take responsibility for his own choices? If it's the latter, well, you can still care about him while also letting that hot potato serve as your guide.
—D. M. L.
From: Help! I'm Worried My Engagement Ring Is Cursed. (Dec. 04, 2018).
Dear Prudence,
I have a sister who is famous and who has not spoken to me since our mother died. We have a bad relationship because my mother and I decided not to pay for her college tuition and room and board, and she was forced to get scholarships and work.
My home burned down in a fire last October and I lost all my pictures. My sister has the only originals from my childhood. How can I ask her for copies in a way that does not alienate her further? I want copies for my family, not for any other reason.
—Estranged Relative
Dear Estranged,
If you and your sister haven't spoken in years and you're only getting in touch to ask her a favor—even a relatively small and necessary one—then I think there's a limit to how much framing can help you get what you want. Prepare yourself for the possibility of hearing either nothing, or a 'No' followed by a series of recriminations, even if you ask in the kindest way imaginable. If you're able to accept that, then let her know you're not attempting to relitigate your past relationship and regret bothering her, but that you've lost all of your childhood photos in a fire and would be grateful if she'd be willing to share any copies, digital or otherwise, with you.
—D. M. L.
From: Help! Are We Too Old to Adopt? (Aug. 27, 2018).
My boyfriend is completely emotionally and financially dependent on me. We've been together since we were 13 years old, and in a lot of ways I feel like I basically raised him. He's extremely loving and devoted and was my rock through a long, difficult period of my life, but I've reached a point where I'm tired of mothering him and I need him to act more like a partner than just a source of emotional support.