We're all crazy for sleep tips, so try mine

Times

a day ago

As someone who reads four or five newspapers daily, I am in a position to assert confidently that a day does not go by without at least one of them carrying a massive, illustrated feature on how to sleep better. Generally speaking, you get a standard introductory paragraph by a house writer (or, I suspect, AI bot) with two quotes from some sort of bogus health professional (or, I suspect, AI bot), and a picture of a hot young model (or AI bot) wearing an eye mask, followed by a list of increasingly bonkers-sounding tips.
Just at the moment, for example, I'm looking at: '4 hacks for better sleep during UK heatwave' in the Daily Express; 'Tired? Here's five tips for a good night's sleep' in The Independent; 'I teach people to sleep for a living — here's how I ensure I always rest well' in The Daily Telegraph; '66 days to build better sleep habits' in The Guardian (always with the doomsday clock countdowns) and a BBC website plug for a Woman's Hour special headlined, 'Can AI help you get better sleep?'
Yes, I know, The Times does them too, we've probably got one somewhere in the paper this very morning and you'll write in to say what an irony that is. Except it isn't, it's a coincidence. And not much of one, because, as I say, every newspaper has one almost every day.
Why? Have we all suddenly stopped sleeping well and genuinely need help, or has our collective post-lockdown hypochondria mated with the 'wellness' boom to engender this furious new national hysteria?
And who is profiting from it? No doubt the authors of such volumes as Why We Sleep, The Sleep Book, 4 Weeks To Better Sleep, Sleep Smarter, Fast Asleep, Teach Yourself To Sleep and The Sleep Solution have generated a few hundred quid for their hard-working, under-slept authors, but just on its own that won't be keeping the wolf from the door (who is presumably there for the sheep being frantically counted inside).
Sleep advice has become the number one clickbait option for the modern hack (as I hope digital statistics for this column will reflect) and it's all rubbish. I sleep like a log every night, thank you very much, you didn't ask and you don't care, and I think it's all such balls that if I rolled out my own '33 Tips For A Top Night's Sleep', I'll bet you wouldn't be able to tell which were drawn from genuine articles by 'experts' in the national press, and which ones I'd made up for a lark. Go on, try — it might send you to sleep.
1 Wear socks at night to keep your feet warm.2 Put your socks in the fridge before bed to keep your feet cool.3 Wear anti-blue light goggles before bed to optimise melatonin production.4 Wear soft gloves before bed to reduce skin stimulation.5 Wear a thick jumper for an hour before lights out on hot nights then remove it to allow your body to cool naturally.6 Tape your mouth shut.7 Tape your nose shut.8 Tie your feet together.9 Eat no eggs after 3pm.10 Masturbate.11 Keep terrapins in the bedroom.12 Stare at the sky for ten minutes when you wake in the morning to reset your circadian rhythm.13 Stare at the moon for five minutes if you wake in the night, to reset your lunar cycle.14 Go to bed as late as possible so as not to associate your bed with sleeplessness.15 Give your bed a friendly name such as 'Archie' or 'Ned' to avoid hostile feelings towards it.16 Do not discuss finances in bed (unless you're shagging your accountant).17 Avoid reading poetry, as rhythm and rhyme can create a 'circular preoccupation' on the resting brain.18 Eat your last meal at least four hours before going to bed.19 Take a laxative two hours before bed as a big poo will send you right off.20 Drink no alcohol in the evening.21 Get battered in the evening.22 If you wake up in the night, turn the light on, read for a bit, even get up and go for a walk; it's what we did in the olden days, and most people sleep in two separate cycles anyway.23 Set an alarm to wake you up at three in the morning, to ensure you get two full cycles and not one-and-a-half.24 Write down preoccupying thoughts before bed.25 Write down the names of all the people you hate, including neighbours, colleagues and close family.26 Buy a Slypwel Kooling Nek Pillo for £1,000.27 Buy a Tempur Pro Air SmartCool mattress for £2,000.28 Buy a really thin sheet for £3,000.29 Soak your earplugs in water and freeze them, to cool your inner ear.30 Avoid citrus fruits in the evening as the acid breaks down crucial sleep enzymes.31 In a heatwave, pile the whole family into the air-conditioned bedroom in the loft.32 Keep a sleep diary.33 Sell your sleep diary to The Daily Telegraph for £10,000 and buy a lifetime supply of zopiclone.
Answers (and by 'true', I mean that it truly was given as advice in a national paper, not that I necessarily believe it works):1 True. 2 True. 3 True. 4 False. 5 False. 6 True. 7 Don't be silly, you'd die! 8 False. 9 False. 10 Works for me. 11 False, duh. 12 True. 13 False. Why not try howling at it too? 14 True. 15 Come off it. 16 True. 17 False. 18 True. 19 Sadly not. 20 That's what they say. 21 Much more like it. 22 True. 23 Ha, ha. Of course not. 24 True. 25 False. But great fun anyway. 26 Nope. 27 Yup – see Monday's Telegraph: 'The best cooling mattresses to make falling asleep a breeze'. 28 You'd fall for that? In that case I've got one for you right here. 29 False. 30 Sleep enzymes? Mate, get a grip. 31 We used to, but Kitty's 14 now and literally locks the door when she hears us trooping up the stairs with our pillows. 32 True. 33 Worth a try.
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