How to be a good listener when someone is going through a bad time

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12 hours ago

When someone is going through through a tough time it can be easy to jump straight into problem-solving mode, but sometimes taking a moment to pause and properly listen can be more beneficial.
To mark all the amazing work the Samaritans charity does for people in emotional distress ahead of
Samaritans Awareness Day
(July 24), we want to know how we can become excellent listeners and why this crucial skill is so important.
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We spoke to Lucia Capobianco, learning and development consultant at the
Samaritans
, who offered some of her top tips on how to brush up on our listening skills.
Why is being a good listener important? What impact can it have?
'I think being a good listener has so many benefits,' says Capobianco. 'It allows you to really hear what someone is saying, to pick up on, perhaps, signs and signals that you may not have done.'
It also helps build and strengthen connections with others.
Listening can help strengthen relationships (Alamy/PA)
'I think it is a wonderful way of building connection, connecting with people, and it really strengthens that, because if you're a good listener, people love to talk to you because they know that you will listen, you will understand, you will give them time,' explains Capobianco.
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Most importantly, the Samaritans charity believes that listening can save lives.
'You never know when listening could save someone's life by giving them that space to talk and get something off their chest and not feel so alone with it,' says Nithiya Gnanathas, media and PR manager at Samaritans.
Why is listening – rather than offering advice – so important when someone is going through a tough time?
Ask them how they feel (Alamy/PA)
'You often give advice based on what you would do, what you would think, and that may not be appropriate for the person,' says Capobianco. 'It's much better to listen to the person and to encourage them to make their own decisions.
'It's much more powerful to say, what do you want to do? How are you feeling about it? Because that helps keeps that conversation going and will help them open up more.'
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How can we show empathy without necessarily having experienced the same situation?
Empathy is about putting yourself in their shoes (Alamy/PA)
It's easy to say 'I know how you feel' as a casual remark, but the truth is, we often don't – because everyone is facing their own unique circumstances.
'Empathy is trying to understand how someone feels and putting yourself in their shoes,' says Capobianco. 'It's not about trying to make someone feel better, which is hard, because naturally, especially if it's a friend or a family member, you want to make them feel better, you want them to be okay. But I think empathy is about understanding that that may not be possible.
'So, you don't have to have gone through the same thing as someone to actually really listen to what they're telling you. You just need to take your time and allow them the space to tell you how it is.'
What role does body language play in being a good listener?
'Non-verbal things like body language are extremely important in face-to-face situations,' says Capobianco. 'So, it's all about the eye contact, the nodding and making sure you are sitting quite openly. Try to be relaxed and not defensive with your arms and avoid fidgeting or looking at your watch, because that gives the impression perhaps you'd rather be somewhere else.'
What are some key listening techniques that people often overlook?
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The Samaritans use the
SHUSH
acronym to share key tips for those looking to improve their listening skills.
'So the S stands for show that you care. So, that's questions like How are you? You don't seem like yourself, fancy a chat? – that kind of thing,' says Capobianco. 'H stands for have patience. It's having patience and giving the person space and time if they do choose to talk.
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'U stands for use open questions, like how are you feeling? What's going on? And the second S stands for say it back. One of the really powerful things that demonstrates that you're listening, is to reflect things back to the person you're talking to, using their language. For example, if someone says to you I really don't know where things are going, you could say back, you can't keep going like this.
'The final one is H for have courage. Never be afraid to ask someone if they're all right. Those three really simple words can make a heck of a difference to someone, because it gives permission to someone say, no, I'm not okay, can we have a chat? And you can never make it worse.'
How can listeners support someone without taking on their emotional burden?
'I think it's really key that you take the time to reflect on the conversation you've had and that you look after yourself,' advises Capobianco. 'I think it's important to remember that you're not responsible for that person or what they do and you can perhaps encourage them to seek professional help if you think that is appropriate.
'You can't take it all on yourself and need to understand that you're not going to fix it. After a tough conversation, do something for yourself. It can be as flippant as making a hot chocolate or a cup of tea, but it's important to take time for some self-care.'
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You can contact a Samaritans volunteer anytime, day or night, by calling its free helpline at 116 123 or by emailing [e-mail].