Happiness researcher shares his '90-second rule' to live a better, more fulfilled life—it helps when you're angry or upset

CNBC

3 days ago

Mo Gawdat's son, Ali, was 21 years old when he died due to medical negligence during a routine appendix surgery in 2014.
Gawdat was devastated, confused and in a palpable state of shock. Then, 17 days later, he started writing a book on how to be happy, in his son's honor.
Gawdat has researched the science of happiness for over 20 years from a logical and philosophical prospective, using flow charts and formulas to get to the root of unhappiness. A while back, he learned a habit that can almost instantly help you find joy and fulfillment.
It's called the 90-second rule, Gawdat told the "High Performance" podcast on June 17. When something angering or nerve-wracking happens in your life, give yourself a minute and 30 seconds to feel upset. Then, choose to focus on other things.
The habit is based on insight Gawdat learned from Harvard-trained neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor, who found that it takes only 90 seconds for stress and anger hormones, like cortisol and adrenaline, to be flushed out of the body.
"But then what happens is, you run the thought in your head again, and you renew your 90 seconds," said Gawdat, who served as chief business officer at Google X, the company's innovation lab, from 2015 to 2018. "You run it again, unconsciously, and you renew your 90 seconds. While in reality, what you get after those 90 seconds is a buffer ... [which] allows you to say, 'Now, what am I going to do?'"
Getting cut off while driving, for example, can be really agitating. You might yell or curse from behind the wheel, or even roll your window down to give the other driver a piece of your mind. But ruminating on the situation, telling everyone what happened when you get to the office, won't change it. So, what if you took a deep breath, turned your favorite song on, and sang along instead?
To recover more quickly from life's upsets, Gawdat asks himself three questions, he said:
"Ninety percent of the things that make us unhappy are not even true. Like your [partner] says something hurtful ... your brain is telling you [they] don't love you anymore," said Gawdat "That isn't true."
If your answer to question No. 1 is "no," drop it. If it's "yes," move on to question No. 2 and do the same thing over again. If there's something you can do about it, do it, he said. If not, go into "committed acceptance" – meaning, acknowledge what's happened and accept it as your new normal.
Building new habits can be difficult, especially when you're feeling emotional. In a 2009 study, psychology researcher Phillippa Lally found that it can take anywhere between 18 to 254 days to form a habit, depending on the person and their circumstances.
But being cognizant of how you respond to tough moments in life is the first step to being happier and more fulfilled, says Gawdat.
"Life doesn't give a s--- about you," Gawdat told Simon Sinek's "A Bit of Optimism" podcast on June 24. It puts you in good and bad situations, and lets you figure out the rest. "It's your choice, how you react to every one of them ... It's your choice to set your expectations realistically."