It's That Damn Phone: A Parent's Guide to Gen Z Dating in the Digital Age, From a Gen Z-er

Yahoo

2 days ago

Social media killed romance. It's a phrase that's become popular with teens — and ironically shared on the very platforms that they claim killed it. While love letters are traded for 'wyd' texts and real commitments for Snapchat rankings, Gen Z is quickly being exposed to a new age of romance. Navigating the dating world has always been tricky, but with screens, social media, and everything they bring, today's dating feels nearly impossible.
As a parent who grew up without the influence of modern technology or social media, it can be hard to understand the experience your children are going through. So, from a 20-year-old who was born just before the cellphone, here are the five key insights that I wish my parents knew and understood about growing up in a world where technology shapes the dating scene.
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In a time of talking stages, the three-month rule, and sneaky links, it can be easy for teens to forget their standards as they are encouraged by the new normal that social media advertises. I've seen it firsthand, watching as my peers, friends, and I have allowed ourselves to feel grateful and cared for simply over heart emojis and saved snaps.
I swooned over story likes and three-letter texts, swept up by the false narrative of this new age of romance. But I don't want to believe it anymore. It's unreasonable that we act like this is a new, unmoving norm when we can simply expect more.
I remember when I first entered the dating world, I let the most disappointing actions excite me. I took outward disrespect as flirty banter and didn't bat an eye as I entered a four-month exclusive 'situationship.' For those who are unfamiliar, situationships are products of the modern age — a mix of a situation and a relationship, as they resemble a romantic connection without a defined label.
When I broke the news of my new situationship to my friends I was met with celebration. My best friend and I were walking, arms linked with the rest of our group trailing close behind, as I told her he and I were exclusive. There was yelling, jumping, clapping, and excited friends from behind asking to hear the news. You would truly think I had just gotten engaged, but no, I was simply in an exclusive situationship. That's how it went in college, though — we were lucky enough to even have anything exclusive, so who cared if we were officially dating or not?
If I had held myself to a higher standard I would have demanded that he cared. I would have rectified our situation long before four months had passed. I wish I had understood that my worth was much more than the lack of commitment I was shown, and I wish that my parents had encouraged me to demand more from him and others. As a parent, it can be difficult to imagine that this is what dating might look like in the modern age, and even harder to figure out how you can shepherd you child through it. And while it is impossible to enforce high standards upon your teen, you can remind them of their worth and raise them to see through inadequate behavior.
Be the parent they trust to talk to about relationships. Be the person who can step in when you see red flags or empty promises. Teach them about healthy relationships from an early age, sharing the signs of a troubled connection so they can understand what behaviors to encourage or avoid.
Even when teens are raised and reminded to recognize their worth, it can be easy for us to settle for less when it's all we see on social media. I learned this firsthand as the initial excitement for my situationship faded and the commitment grew smaller. I realized I was trapped in this seemingly normal 'relationship' where quasi-committal labels like 'exclusive' and 'situationship' allowed for the bare minimum to go unprotested. I was told not to expect dinner dates or flowers because, after all, we weren't dating. So, for four months we met in dorm rooms, completely hidden from the public while seeing each other every day. We remained stuck in this horrible middle ground where we acted like we were dating, but solely in that confined space — his 97-square-foot dorm room.
I felt like there was nothing I could do when I was put in that situation. I would either lose the person I had spent so much time building this fake relationship with, or remain disappointed and asking for much less than I wanted.
The worst part was that it felt normal. I was told by social media and my peers that situationships were a college canon event, and I believed them. These platforms romanticize the bare minimum, turning something bland or disappointing into what seems like a fairytale ending. In hindsight, I've come to realize that just because something seems normal and trendy doesn't mean that it should be the standard. Whether or not situationships were common, I still should have (and could have) broken the mold and demanded more. But I didn't, and instead allowed the rock bottom to seem like a staple of the college experience.
As normalized as this behavior might seem, your teen will soon realize that it's only been warped to appear ordinary, allowing it to remain uncontested. I wish that I had learned that lesson earlier; I wish my parents had warned me about the consequences of those uncertain relationships.
You can be the guiding force that will steer your teen away from unhealthy behaviors and the 'common' narrative. Remind them to stray from social media and remain skeptical of its influence; I wish someone had made me see sooner how atypical my experience was.
Relationships are rapidly changing as certain behaviors are labeled as 'trendy' and encouraged through popular social media platforms like Instagram and TikTok. I've watched as countless friends of mine have anxiously waited to respond to a text, counting down the minutes until it was acceptable to finally respond. There is truly no point in waiting the extra 20 minutes just to 'play it cool,' but this ultra-relaxed behavior has been made to seem normal. Instead of getting to know the person we like we distance ourselves as if anything else is unnatural.
Those who break away from the nonchalant relationship and openly express their feelings are often labeled as embarrassing. This cat-and-mouse game might seem pointless and silly to you — which it is. But it's your job to bring your teen down to earth, reminding them of just how ridiculous these unspoken rules are. You must instead encourage them to do the opposite: to wear their heart on their sleeve, love loudly, and be 'chalant.'
The only way to bring back the romantic love that teens beg for on social media is to go against the narrative that paints expressive love as a bad thing. My generation, Gen Z, has fabricated a type of love that hinges on social media, using it to define and validate what makes a 'good' relationship. It's time we recognize that social media plays little to no part in romantic connection. It is no longer enough to use social media as a substitute for showing love.
Teach your teen to show they care without worrying about scrutiny or relying on social media as their crutch. Show them good habits to mold their own actions after by treating your spouse and others with intentional acts of love — thoughtful gestures, consistent effort, and gentle, affirming words. Minimize their social media use and remind them that social media is a façade, one that influences their opinions and actions. Have open conversations with them about how they approach dating and expressions of affection. No matter what form your help takes, your child needs to see that romantic connections can be genuine — and unplugged.
Dating and meeting new people are difficult topics to navigate in many families, only made more complex with the prospect of online dating where the truth is easily concealed. For teens, both younger and older, they must take everything they see online with a grain of salt.
If I could change anything about my interactions with social media, I would change how old I was when I got Snapchat. I downloaded the app when I was 12 and was immediately met with obscenely inappropriate content. After all, the app's sole mission in creation was to send sexually explicit photographs without a digital trace being left behind. I started accepting requests from people with mutual connections, even if they were strangers to me. I simply didn't think that I would be met with inappropriate behavior and explicit content — I mean, I was 12.
Experiences like these forced me to grow up more than a 12-year-old should have to. The good news, however, is that this is very avoidable. I wish my parents had known the dangers of apps such as Snapchat and had stopped me from downloading it at that young age; even waiting another two years would've made a huge difference in how I protected myself. But now that we know more about these apps, how they operate, and their effects, you can more effectively regulate the exposure your teen has to mature content and social media at large.
Along with online chat rooms and dating apps comes another huge obstacle in the digital world: catfishing. Whether you have an older teen who is just starting to navigate Hinge and Tinder or a younger teen who has access to online gaming communities, it's important that you help teach them to stay safe and know when to cut contact. While these situations can vary in intensity, it's vital that your child knows to always act with caution. It's important to teach them to constantly re-evaluate their situation, conversations, and the people they interact with online.
While there are many things you cannot control in the digital world, the best thing you can do for your child is to prepare them. Regularly communicate with your teen about their online presence and safety. Teach them to recognize the red flags and inappropriate behaviors that they might come across. Be the understanding voice they need as they try to navigate this complicated part of their young lives. Finally, remind them to remain skeptical of everything they learn online and share strategies with them to protect themselves and their identity.
While every family and child is unique, the harsh reality of raising a Gen Z teen is that times are quickly changing and what you thought you once understood is being reshaped into a reality you don't know anything about. It can be difficult to know what to do or how to connect with your child, especially when you've never experienced anything like it in your own past. And if your child is anything like I was, dating is not a topic they discuss until they're already coming home from college with a significant other in tow. The best thing that you can do to help your teen is understand their reality and come to terms with their new normal, especially since it wasn't yours. You will want to be well-versed in their circumstances so that when they come to you asking advice, you can fully understand them.
With technology giving them unlimited access to too much information, teens are overwhelmed—resenting its constant presence while using it simply because it's available. We have been molded into an obsessive generation, quickly consumed by snap scores, locations, and best friends lists. But we are simply a product of our environment, addicted to the social media that we've grown up with. This is the most important thing that I wish my parents understood. Parents spend too much time fixating on their teen's social media usage without truly understanding the circumstances of the modern age. For many teens, constant access to technology is overwhelming but is made completely unavoidable.
I encourage you to reach out to your teen and ask about their digital footprint and usage. Without understanding what your teen is going through, any actions you take to help might inadvertently alienate them and overlook their opinions. Rather than jumping to punishments and restrictions around screen time, meet your child halfway and come to terms with the reality of growing up in the digital age.
Navigating the digital dating scene is difficult for everyone, kids and parents alike. But with open communication, mutual understanding, and continued support, you can ensure that your teen will stay safe and thrive in this exciting aspect of their young adulthood.
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