Asking Eric: After illness, social butterfly feels left out
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Chicago Tribune
3 hours ago
- Chicago Tribune
Asking Eric: Live-in boyfriend doesn't pay his own way
Dear Eric: My daughter has a 'live-in boyfriend' who, since he moved in, thinks he is the king of the household. He is very disrespectful to me, her dad and her stepmom. I tolerated the stuff he said about her dad, and I tolerated him skipping paying my daughter his share of the mortgage for a few months. But when it got so she almost lost her house, I was very upset to say the least. I said he was like a tenant and needed to help her out, which was the deal when he moved in. He read my text to her and he became enraged. He called me delusional, argumentative, a dictator and dramatic. He also said my grandkids didn't want to be around me. I sent his texts to my daughter and I said I need an apology from him. I never got it, and I said I never want to be around him. She told me I should talk to him first. I said he claims that he loves you and he should apologize to me and should respect me. Am I wrong? – Disrespected Mom Dear Mom: You're not wrong at all. This man seems like a nightmare. It's also possible that he is emotionally abusing your daughter, in addition to shirking his financial responsibilities. By trying to drive a wedge between you and your daughter, and you and your grandkids, he's doing something called isolation, which is one of the hallmarks of emotional abuse. Talk seriously, in person and privately, with your daughter about the concerns you have. Try to shift the focus from the apology you're owed. Instead, point out the unhealthy ways that her boyfriend is behaving – controlling behavior, anger and lashing out, isolating her and her kids, and monitoring her communication. These are all dangerous. But there are resources available to your daughter. A strong family and friend support system is key, so keep in contact. You can also refer her to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE or Offer to let her use your phone, if she's wary of him seeing who she's calling. Even if she doesn't share your concerns, encourage her to just have a conversation with someone else about it. These behaviors may seem like personality quirks to her, but they're not and they need to be addressed – potentially by removing him from the home – before they escalate. Dear Eric: I met a person with similar interests through her parents. We had so much fun together in the beginning. Because she is an academic, she has no money. She lives with her parents in a retirement community. She is trying to get another educational opportunity that includes a small stipend and free room and board. She refuses to get a job to help her situation. Before I realized what was happening, I paid for all the dinners and drinks. I also paid for a group trip abroad for both of us. While there, she roomed with me, but I barely saw her. She missed tour days because she stayed out until 3 a.m. and spent the next day in bed. She bought things she wanted for herself but never even paid for a cup of coffee for me. I finally woke up and saw how this friendship was going. I have been overwhelmed with family deaths and my husband and I working on big projects around the house. She texts me and wants to do things and states that she hates living with her parents. I feel used and barely text back any longer. I feel a little bad about blowing her off, but I am tired of feeling taken advantage of. Suggestions on how to deal with this situation? I feel guilty but angry at the same time. Do I continue avoiding her until she finally leaves? – Reluctant Friend Dear Friend: Avoidance is just going to prolong an uncomfortable situation. Better to address this head-on and see if there's a path forward. You two have different attitudes about money. Hers comes across as immature, if I'm being my most generous, predatory if I'm being less so. But you've offered her so much generosity already, what's the harm in extending a little more for a moment? She's not earning money right now and her room and board are paid for, plus her new friend very graciously offered to cover drinks, meals and trips. It's perfectly reasonable to expect a person to feel and show gratitude for these things, but I can also see how that could be a growing edge for her. Friendships can help us mature, especially when there's a little conflict. So, tell her why the friendship isn't working for you right now and see if she's capable of showing up for you in a different way.
Washington Post
4 hours ago
- Washington Post
Asking Eric: Daughter's boyfriend declared himself king of the house
Dear Eric: My daughter has a 'live-in boyfriend' who, since he moved in, thinks he is the king of the household. He is very disrespectful to me, her dad and her stepmom. I tolerated the stuff he said about her dad, and I tolerated him skipping paying my daughter his share of the mortgage for a few months. But when it got so she almost lost her house, I was very upset to say the least.
Yahoo
17 hours ago
- Yahoo
13 Regrets People Have About The Way They Spoke To Their Parents
We've all had those moments where words fly out of our mouths a bit too quickly, especially in conversations with parents. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we forget just how important those conversations can be. Reflecting on these exchanges can bring some regrets, as we often wish we had handled things differently. Here are 13 common regrets people have about the way they spoke to their parents. These insights might help you approach future conversations with a bit more thoughtfulness. 1. Not Saying "I Love You" Enough Expressing love might seem simple, but it's something many people regret not doing enough. It might feel awkward or unnecessary at times, but those three words carry weight. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of "The Five Love Languages," affirming love is vital for healthy relationships. Some people realize too late that they missed countless opportunities to express their feelings. Remember that taking a moment to say "I love you" can mean the world to your parents. Although actions often speak louder than words, verbalizing love reinforces your feelings. A hug or a kind gesture might hint at what you feel, but hearing the words gives them clarity. Your parents might not expect it, but they certainly appreciate it. Plus, it strengthens the bond and offers reassurance. So, make it a habit to say those simple yet powerful words regularly. 2. Speaking Out Of Anger It's not uncommon to lash out when emotions are high. We sometimes say things we don't mean in anger, and those words can cause lasting wounds. In the moment, it may feel like you're releasing stress or frustration, but the aftermath can be damaging. Angry words can linger in the air long after the argument has subsided. It's essential to pause and cool down before speaking to avoid saying something you'll regret. Taking a deep breath and counting to ten might sound basic, but it helps a lot. Giving yourself a moment to calm down can prevent an emotional explosion. Once you've taken a step back, you'll likely approach the situation with a clearer mind. This approach helps avoid hurtful exchanges and opens the door for more constructive dialogue. Next time you're feeling heated, try stepping away before continuing the conversation. 3. Not Listening Enough Listening is just as important, if not more so, than speaking. Sometimes in our eagerness to be heard, we forget to pay attention to what our parents are saying. Active listening fosters understanding and strengthens relationships. Dr. Julian Treasure, a sound and communication expert, emphasizes the importance of conscious listening for effective communication. Neglecting this can lead to misunderstandings and missed opportunities to connect. When you focus on truly hearing what your parents say, you gain insights into their thoughts and feelings. This helps you respond more empathetically and appropriately. Active listening involves more than just hearing words; it means understanding the context and emotions behind them. Remember to nod, ask questions, and engage in the conversation to show you care. By listening more, you create a space for open and honest communication. 4. Failing To Apologize Apologizing can be tough, especially when pride gets in the way. Many people regret not saying sorry when they should have. Acknowledging your mistakes and taking responsibility goes a long way. It shows maturity and respect for your parents' feelings. Unresolved conflicts can fester over time, making relationships strained and uncomfortable. Saying sorry doesn't mean admitting defeat; it means you're prioritizing the relationship. When you apologize, you open the door to healing and reconciliation. It's a way of saying that you value the relationship more than any petty argument. Your parents will likely appreciate your humility and willingness to make amends. Remember, it's never too late to apologize for past mistakes. 5. Taking Them For Granted It's easy to fall into the trap of taking your parents for granted, especially when they've been a constant presence in your life. Many people regret not expressing gratitude for all the little things their parents did. Research by Dr. Robert Emmons, a leading scientific expert on gratitude, shows that practicing gratitude can significantly improve relationships. When you overlook all the ways your parents support you, you miss out on appreciating their contributions. Expressing gratitude doesn't have to be grand or elaborate. A simple thank you or acknowledgment of their efforts can go a long way. It shows that you see and appreciate their sacrifices and support. Remember, your parents won't always be around, so take the time to thank them now. A little gratitude can deepen your connection and bring more joy to both your lives. 6. Criticizing Too Much Criticism, when excessive, can damage relationships. Many people realize too late that they were too harsh with their words. While feedback is necessary, there's a fine line between constructive criticism and hurtful comments. Constantly pointing out flaws can leave your parents feeling unappreciated. It's important to balance criticism with positive feedback to maintain a healthy relationship. Instead of focusing on what your parents are doing wrong, try highlighting what they're doing right. Everyone likes to feel valued and appreciated, including your parents. Offering a mix of praise and gentle suggestions can promote better communication. This approach fosters a supportive environment where everyone feels respected. Next time you feel the urge to criticize, try to frame it in a more positive way. 7. Neglecting To Share Important Life Updates Keeping your parents in the loop about your life can strengthen your bond. Many people regret not sharing enough about their personal lives with their parents. According to family therapist Dr. John Duffy, staying connected with your parents is crucial for maintaining a close relationship. When you withhold important updates, they might feel left out or disconnected. Sharing your experiences and milestones can bring you closer together. Opening up about your life doesn't mean you have to share every detail. It's about including them in meaningful moments and decisions. This makes them feel valued and involved in your life journey. Whether it's a new job, a relationship, or a personal achievement, sharing these updates can make your parents proud. Remember, they want to celebrate your successes and support you through challenges. 8. Using Sarcasm As A Defense Mechanism Sarcasm might feel like a way to protect yourself, but it often creates distance. Many people regret using sarcasm as a shield when communicating with their parents. It can come off as dismissive or hurtful, even if that's not your intention. While you might think it lightens the mood, it often leaves parents feeling misunderstood. It's crucial to find a more constructive way to express your feelings. Communicating openly and honestly might feel vulnerable, but it's more effective. Instead of hiding behind sarcasm, try addressing your concerns directly. This approach fosters a more genuine connection and understanding between you and your parents. They'll likely appreciate your honesty and respond more positively. Next time you feel the urge to be sarcastic, pause and consider a more straightforward approach. 9. Avoiding Hard Conversations Avoidance might seem like the easy way out, but it often leads to regrets. Many people wish they had addressed tough topics with their parents sooner. Difficult conversations, though uncomfortable, can lead to growth and understanding. Ignoring issues can create tension and unresolved conflicts. It's important to tackle these subjects head-on to maintain a healthy relationship. Initiating a tough conversation requires courage and preparation. Start by choosing the right time and setting to discuss sensitive topics. Approach the conversation with empathy and a willingness to listen. This helps create a safe space for both you and your parents to express your feelings. Though challenging, facing these conversations can lead to stronger, more meaningful connections. 10. Focusing On Differences It's easy to get caught up in how you're different from your parents. Many people regret focusing too much on these differences instead of finding common ground. While different perspectives can lead to conflict, they can also be a source of growth. Embracing diversity in opinions can enrich your relationship. Concentrating on shared interests and values can foster a deeper connection. Try finding activities or topics you both enjoy discussing. This can shift the focus from your differences to what brings you together. Sharing hobbies or interests can create opportunities for bonding and understanding. Remember, your differences don't have to be a barrier; they can be a bridge to discovering new perspectives. Embrace the opportunity to learn from each other and strengthen your relationship. 11. Not Acknowledging Their Efforts Parents often go above and beyond for their children, and it's easy to overlook their efforts. Many people regret not acknowledging the sacrifices and support their parents provided. Recognizing and appreciating what they've done can make a world of difference. It shows that you value their contributions and understand the impact they've had on your life. Acknowledging their efforts helps build a foundation of gratitude and respect. Make it a point to thank your parents for specific things they've done. Whether it's providing for you, offering advice, or simply being there, let them know you notice and appreciate it. This recognition can deepen your bond and make them feel seen and valued. Remember, everyone likes to feel appreciated, and your parents are no different. Take the time to express your gratitude genuinely and often. 12. Letting Pride Get In The Way Pride can be a major obstacle in relationships, leading to regrets about missed opportunities for connection. Many people wish they had set aside their pride to mend fences sooner. Holding onto grudges or refusing to admit when you're wrong only creates distance. Letting go of pride allows for open communication and healing. It shows that you prioritize the relationship over being right. Swallowing your pride might feel uncomfortable, but it's worth it. Admitting your mistakes and showing vulnerability can pave the way for reconciliation. Your parents will likely appreciate your willingness to put the relationship first. This humility can lead to more open and honest interactions, strengthening your bond. Next time pride gets in the way, remember that building a strong relationship is more important than winning an argument. 13. Failing To Express Gratitude Regularly Gratitude is a simple yet powerful way to strengthen your relationship with your parents. Many people regret not expressing appreciation regularly throughout their lives. Even small gestures of gratitude can make a big impact. It reinforces positive interactions and shows that you value their role in your life. Remember, gratitude is not just an occasional act but a continuous practice. Incorporate gratitude into your daily routine. This could be as simple as sending a quick thank-you message or expressing appreciation during a meal. These small acts of kindness can build a foundation of mutual respect and love. Acknowledging the good things your parents do creates a more positive and supportive environment. Make gratitude a habit to enrich your relationship and create lasting memories. Solve the daily Crossword
