Girlfriend dumped me after finding pictures on my phone I took during wild threesome – but I want her back
Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
DEAR DEIDRE: STUPIDLY, I saved multiple screenshots and videos on my phone of naked girls and now I've been dumped yet again.
I know I've got an issue. I've been viewing pornography since I was around 11 years old, when an older cousin showed me adult websites.
I'm now 29 and I'd love a proper girlfriend, but I've only managed two decent relationships.
The last one failed when my girlfriend found a secret file on my laptop.
My latest girlfriend is 26 and we've had six months of bliss together.
We met in a nightclub and all I could think about was having sex with her, but she kept me waiting for a long time. I knew she was good for me in that way.
When we finally did it, I told her I loved her.
I then did something stupid. I went to a club for a mate's birthday and I met a couple of girls. We went to a hotel and had a threesome.
They let me take pictures of our wild night and I kept the images on my phone in case I was bored. Then my girlfriend began to get suspicious because I was guarding my phone.
When she demanded to see it, I was hopeful I'd get away with it as there weren't any incriminating messages anywhere, and I hoped she wouldn't find my file.
But she's pretty savvy with tech so immediately went to my secret file and found everything, complete with dates.
Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
She's the only girl I've felt so strongly about. I want her back.
She went to a friend's house for a week and now says we are over for good. What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Compulsive behaviour and addictions can often have roots in childhood experience.
If you started viewing pornography at 11, you may not have had boundaries or parents checking up on you. Now you are in over your head, which is spoiling your relationships.
Make a pact with yourself that you'll get the help you need.
You can find access to a free introductory course on pornography addiction through Pivotal (pivotalrecovery.org).
If your girlfriend can see you're making strides to change, she may take you back but don't hold your breath.
Work on yourself and your addiction first and, when you feel strong enough to avoid and resist acting up, then you will be in a much better place to build a long and lasting relationship.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
SICK AND TIRED OF MY MAN'S SNORING
DEAR DEIDRE: ANGER is spoiling my relationship because I can never get a good night's sleep. My boyfriend snores like a freight train.
I've got a stressful job in advertising. I often have early starts with clients and I need my eight hours a night. I'm lucky if I get five.
I'm a woman of 33 and my boyfriend is 31. We have a great relationship in every other way but I'm so fed up with the piggy sounds that come from him at night – I'm seriously considering renting my own flat.
I either lie awake and get cross, or I sleep on the sofa.
My boyfriend feels terrible in the morning if I'm not beside him. He knows he's the problem.
Perhaps I should get some sleeping tablets prescribed by my doctor.
DEIDRE SAYS: It's your boyfriend who has the problem – not you.
Sleeping pills are not the answer. There can be health risks attached to snoring, like sleep apnoea – taking a few seconds of subconsciously not breathing, which can be damaging.
Tell him you're worried about him and suggest a check-up with his doctor.
He can also find advice through the Sleep Apnoea Trust (sleep-apnoea-trust.org). Drinking less alcohol can help if that is a factor and sometimes, it's as simple as losing a few pounds.
My support pack called Stop Snoring explains more.
NERVES MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE SEX
DEAR DEIDRE: IF I know that sex is on the cards, I get so nervous that we cannot physically do it.
My boyfriend's 23, I'm a woman aged 21. We've been going out for two years.
We are together most of the time, either sleeping at his parents' home or mine, but it's not being in the family house that puts me off sex, it's the physical act of doing it.
He's kind, caring and patient and after another failed attempt he says, 'Don't worry. We'll try again at the weekend'.
I've tried lots of things to relax – warm baths, a glass of wine, even scented candles and low lighting when his parents have been on holiday, but nothing helps.
It's all in my head but I know that if I can't find a way of lessening the anxiety, my boyfriend will not hang around forever. I'm not being fair to him.
Can you help?
DEIDRE SAYS: Do you know why you feel so tense? Was there an early sexual experience that was upsetting for you, or perhaps a friend or family member warned you that it would hurt?
Sex may be a little uncomfortable the first time, but it is supposed to be fun.
The vagina can increase enough to give birth to a baby so physically, most people are capable, but if you have some mental block to relaxing, your body and vagina will simply say 'no'.
My support packs called Exciting Foreplay and First Time Fears will give you tips on how best to relax.
NERVES MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE SEX
DEAR DEIDRE: WOULD putting a needle through our condoms enable me to have the baby I'm longing for?
I'm not a woman who feels her biological clock is ticking – I'm a man.
I'm actually a gay man but I've suppressed my feelings for all of my life.
I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend who is clueless about the real me. I care for her but she doesn't excite me like a man would.
I can't stop these feelings of wanting to be a dad, though. It's my dream. I have even considered that we have a 'contraception failure' and I'd encourage her to go ahead with the pregnancy, but then I feel horrible for even thinking about it.
This whole situation is overwhelming. I'm not happy in my relationship because I know I'm not being authentic.
My girlfriend is 28 and lovely. She talks about 'putting a ring on it' and what sort of a wedding she'd like, but there's no way I am going to pop the question any time soon.
I'm a fraud and I'm living a life of lies. I wish I was a straight guy and could be happy.
The people at work have started to notice I'm down. I don't know how much longer I can put up with living like this.
If I come out, I might never have the chance to be a father.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your focus on being a parent is keeping you tied to your girlfriend. It isn't fair.
Gay men become fathers through adoption, fostering and surrogacy, your sexuality needn't stop you.
It's not easy to come out, especially if your family hold old-fashioned views, but start by getting some help with your confidence through LGBT (lgbt.foundation, 0345 3 30 30 30), a charity that offers help for those in the LGBTQ community.
My support pack Ending A Relationship will help you to bring things to a close with your girlfriend in the kindest way possible.
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Scottish Sun
7 hours ago
- Scottish Sun
My lover wants to be with me but she's terrified of how her domineering and abusive husband will react
DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though my married lover wants to be with me full time, she is terrified about how her husband will react if she leaves him. He is a violent bully. Her husband is domineering and abusive. He treats her and her eight-year-old son like dirt. He controls everything. She has given up seeing her friends, he constantly checks her phone and she has lost contact with all of her family. I am 33, she is 31 and I can't tell you how upset I get when she tells me about how he shouts, shoves and lashes out at her. She works for my sister's catering business and from the moment I was introduced to her I liked her. We'd always spend our lunchtime together and I would feel so excited about seeing her. Recently I bought her a small gift when I went on holiday. I was taken aback when she dissolved into tears explaining it was the loveliest thing a man had done for her. We ended up kissing and she started coming around to my house whenever she could. She can't ever stay for long enough but we have the most wonderful sex. My sister warned me to stay away because her husband has a bad reputation, she said he was capable of anything, but I refused to listen, and the affair has continued. I am desperate for my lover to leave this awful man. While she wants to be with me too, she is so frightened that he will become physically violent towards her. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships I worry I am being weak because I haven't stood up to him, even though I know that her safety has to come first DEIDRE SAYS: Stay away from him. Getting involved will only create more problems and place your lover in danger. She needs to make leaving him a priority for herself and her son, but it has to come from her. It's so damaging for her son to see his mum being treated so badly. Stress this to her and suggest she talks to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline ( 0800 2000 247). While you can be there to support her, she has a better chance of leaving safely if she doesn't rush straight into a relationship with you. Even a marriage she is desperate to be out of is a loss and she'll need to adjust before she can begin to contemplate a future with you. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. PARTNER PREFERS HIMSELF DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend has admitted he pleasures himself three or four times a week, and now I feel he doesn't fancy me as we rarely have sex. He blames his low sex drive on being stressed but he has always been like this. I'm 35 and he's 36. We've been together for eight months. Everything else in our relationship is great. We only see each other on weekends, which could be part of the problem. We're both so busy with our jobs, fitness and friends. For example, I go to the gym twice a week and go out with my girlfriends regularly. My boyfriend insists his low sex drive is because of his new job. It's very stressful but he's no different to how he was when I first met him. Now I realise he masturbates so much, I'm convinced he doesn't fancy me, rather than there being a problem with his sex drive. DEIDRE SAYS: There's not much wrong with his sex drive. It sounds like he has got into the habit of finding sexual satisfaction alone, which is lazy and selfish. He needs to face up to what is happening rather than using stress as an excuse. Tell him how damaging his behaviour is to your relationship. Suggest setting aside an evening together each week for chat, kisses and cuddles with no pressure to have full sex, even though that could be the likely result. My support pack Different Sex Drives will help. I GHOSTED HER AFTER PERIOD SEX DEAR DEIDRE: A FRIEND pointed out that I had blood on my hands and face when I returned home after spending the night with an amazing girl. I'm mortified. I also had it down below too. I am a 20-year-old guy, and she is 19. We really fancied each other and after dancing together for hours headed back to her flat where, after a lot of kissing, we ended up having amazing sex. The lights were really dim so I didn't notice anything and after sex I stayed the night but left first thing without waking her up as I had work. As soon as I got home my friend told me about the blood. I am so embarrassed. I know a period is such a natural thing but I am way too embarrassed to contact her. I have heard nothing from her either. DEIDRE SAYS: She may be just as embarrassed as you or upset that you left without a word. Why not send her a message? Say you had an amazing time with her and that you would like to see her again. As you say, periods are completely natural and if you act in a mature way, she's more likely to feel at ease. Some people find period sex uncomfortable because it's messy, but you don't have to go into details about that night. It will be easier to say something in passing when you are together face-to-face. DREAM TO WED BUT BOYFRIEND'S SO CRUEL TO ME DEAR DEIDRE: ALL I want is to get married and have a family. I constantly fantasise about my boyfriend proposing but deep down I know he won't – ever. Years ago, I was told that I would have difficulty getting pregnant. I am 32 and my boyfriend is 36. We've been together for almost three years. He says he doesn't want to marry or have children. Recently, he has twice tried to break up with me. I'm sure it's because I have gained weight – something I am not proud of – but I am dieting and have started running and going to the gym. He knows I am making an effort but he also says that I don't keep the house as tidy as he'd like. I work full-time and often do overtime so there isn't a lot of time for housework. Most days I only have enough energy to come home, eat and get a decent night's sleep. I feel as though I walk on eggshells around him and it is beginning to get me down. A few weeks ago, I met a man at work who is so kind and makes me feel lovely. I know it is early days, and we are still getting to know each other, but ultimately I am going to have to choose. Which way should I go? DEIDRE SAYS: After three years together, it is only natural you are thinking about the future, but marriage and children are not the main issue here. To be blunt, he is being cruel. These are not the actions of a loving and respectful partner. There are serious issues that need to be discussed honestly if you're going to build a future. Let him know how his behaviour leaves you feeling, but don't stay in a relationship where you're permanently on edge. Do decide what you really want before involving yourself with another man.
The Sun
7 hours ago
- The Sun
My lover wants to be with me but she's terrified of how her domineering and abusive husband will react
DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though my married lover wants to be with me full time, she is terrified about how her husband will react if she leaves him. He is a violent bully. Her husband is domineering and abusive. He treats her and her eight-year-old son like dirt. He controls everything. She has given up seeing her friends, he constantly checks her phone and she has lost contact with all of her family. I am 33, she is 31 and I can't tell you how upset I get when she tells me about how he shouts, shoves and lashes out at her. She works for my sister's catering business and from the moment I was introduced to her I liked her. We'd always spend our lunchtime together and I would feel so excited about seeing her. Recently I bought her a small gift when I went on holiday. I was taken aback when she dissolved into tears explaining it was the loveliest thing a man had done for her. We ended up kissing and she started coming around to my house whenever she could. She can't ever stay for long enough but we have the most wonderful sex. My sister warned me to stay away because her husband has a bad reputation, she said he was capable of anything, but I refused to listen, and the affair has continued. I am desperate for my lover to leave this awful man. While she wants to be with me too, she is so frightened that he will become physically violent towards her. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships I worry I am being weak because I haven't stood up to him, even though I know that her safety has to come first DEIDRE SAYS: Stay away from him. Getting involved will only create more problems and place your lover in danger. She needs to make leaving him a priority for herself and her son, but it has to come from her. It's so damaging for her son to see his mum being treated so badly. Stress this to her and suggest she talks to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline ( 0800 2000 247). While you can be there to support her, she has a better chance of leaving safely if she doesn't rush straight into a relationship with you. Even a marriage she is desperate to be out of is a loss and she'll need to adjust before she can begin to contemplate a future with you. PARTNER PREFERS HIMSELF DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend has admitted he pleasures himself three or four times a week, and now I feel he doesn't fancy me as we rarely have sex. He blames his low sex drive on being stressed but he has always been like this. I'm 35 and he's 36. We've been together for eight months. Everything else in our relationship is great. We only see each other on weekends, which could be part of the problem. We're both so busy with our jobs, fitness and friends. For example, I go to the gym twice a week and go out with my girlfriends regularly. My boyfriend insists his low sex drive is because of his new job. It's very stressful but he's no different to how he was when I first met him. Now I realise he masturbates so much, I'm convinced he doesn't fancy me, rather than there being a problem with his sex drive. DEIDRE SAYS: There's not much wrong with his sex drive. It sounds like he has got into the habit of finding sexual satisfaction alone, which is lazy and selfish. He needs to face up to what is happening rather than using stress as an excuse. Tell him how damaging his behaviour is to your relationship. Suggest setting aside an evening together each week for chat, kisses and cuddles with no pressure to have full sex, even though that could be the likely result. My support pack Different Sex Drives will help. I GHOSTED HER AFTER PERIOD SEX DEAR DEIDRE: A FRIEND pointed out that I had blood on my hands and face when I returned home after spending the night with an amazing girl. I'm mortified. I also had it down below too. I am a 20-year-old guy, and she is 19. We really fancied each other and after dancing together for hours headed back to her flat where, after a lot of kissing, we ended up having amazing sex. The lights were really dim so I didn't notice anything and after sex I stayed the night but left first thing without waking her up as I had work. As soon as I got home my friend told me about the blood. I am so embarrassed. I know a period is such a natural thing but I am way too embarrassed to contact her. I have heard nothing from her either. DEIDRE SAYS: She may be just as embarrassed as you or upset that you left without a word. Why not send her a message? Say you had an amazing time with her and that you would like to see her again. As you say, periods are completely natural and if you act in a mature way, she's more likely to feel at ease. Some people find period sex uncomfortable because it's messy, but you don't have to go into details about that night. It will be easier to say something in passing when you are together face-to-face. DREAM TO WED BUT BOYFRIEND'S SO CRUEL TO ME DEAR DEIDRE: ALL I want is to get married and have a family. I constantly fantasise about my boyfriend proposing but deep down I know he won't – ever. Years ago, I was told that I would have difficulty getting pregnant. I am 32 and my boyfriend is 36. We've been together for almost three years. He says he doesn't want to marry or have children. Recently, he has twice tried to break up with me. I'm sure it's because I have gained weight – something I am not proud of – but I am dieting and have started running and going to the gym. He knows I am making an effort but he also says that I don't keep the house as tidy as he'd like. I work full-time and often do overtime so there isn't a lot of time for housework. Most days I only have enough energy to come home, eat and get a decent night's sleep. I feel as though I walk on eggshells around him and it is beginning to get me down. A few weeks ago, I met a man at work who is so kind and makes me feel lovely. I know it is early days, and we are still getting to know each other, but ultimately I am going to have to choose. Which way should I go? DEIDRE SAYS: After three years together, it is only natural you are thinking about the future, but marriage and children are not the main issue here. To be blunt, he is being cruel. These are not the actions of a loving and respectful partner. There are serious issues that need to be discussed honestly if you're going to build a future. Let him know how his behaviour leaves you feeling, but don't stay in a relationship where you're permanently on edge. Do decide what you really want before involving yourself with another man.
Wales Online
14 hours ago
- Wales Online
Huge 22-inch rat found in house as warning issued
Huge 22-inch rat found in house as warning issued The size of the rat has been described as 'shocking' and there are warnings that rodents are being 'spotted more and more' The councillors issued a warning after a gigantic 22-inch rat was found at a property in Yorkshire (Image: David Taylor and Stephen Martin - Eston Ward Councillors / Facebook) A warning has been issued after a gigantic 22-inch rat was found at a council property. Many have taken to social media to express their shock after councillors shared a picture of a rat that had been found and caught in a property in their constituency. The photo shows the rat in a see-through plastic bag, after a pest controller was called to investigate in a property in the Normanby area of North Yorkshire. It is not known how the rat got access to the property. In a social media post shared by Conservative councillors, David Taylor and Stephen Martin, they described the size of the rat as "shocking" and warned that the rodents were being "spotted more and more" around the area. The post reads: "This massive rat over 22 inches long from nose to tail was found inside a local home this weekend and this is the image a resident has sent. It's almost the size of a small cat. And it's not a one-off." The post continues by claiming that rats were becoming a "growing" problem, spotted in alleyways, around bins, overgrown land, "crossing the streets and now inside homes". Keep rats and mice 'away' from your home and garden with four natural household items Councillor David Taylor (right) and Councillor Stephen Martin (left) of Eston Ward Councillors in North Yorkshire have issued a warning after a 22-inch rodent was found at a property (Image: David Taylor and Stephen Martin - Eston Ward Councillors / Facebook) The councillors then asked the Labour-run Redcar and Cleveland Council to address the issue, by conducting surveys and plans, funding and joint action in the borough. Meanwhile, here in Wales, all households have are being encouraged to perform a straightforward check to diminish the chances of rats entering their homes by a pest control expert. Read the biggest stories in Wales first by signing up to our daily newsletter here . Cardiff council's pest control services saw a 10% increase in call-outs to rats last year. The British Pest Control Association said there were anecdotal reports of rat increases in towns and cities across the UK. A pest control specialist from Triumph Pest Control, based in Wales, recently advised in a video: "Be proactive about preventing rats getting into your attic space, or anywhere into your property. Believe it or not, now is the time - summertime - to be proactive." You can read the full story here. Gareth Davies, from Pest and Property Solutions, told BBC Wales earlier this year that in 36 years of business he had never received so many call-outs to rats. "We still have a massive rubbish problem, certainly in Cardiff I can speak of," he said. "People discard rubbish in sort of hedgerows, throw stuff out of cars, part-eaten food. "There's rubbish mounted up where the refuse people don't get to." Mr Davies said seagulls and rats attacked bin bags on the streets, creating food sources, and said higher temperatures due to climate change meant rats could now "breed all year round". Article continues below
