A tale of how mock sincerity was easily overcome
Her friend didn't look persuaded, and after a brief pause she said: 'How about we stick to mock mocktails?'
The first woman was clearly confused by the suggestion. She wrinkled her forehead and thought about this conundrum, before finally admitting: 'I've never heard of a mock mocktail.'
'Some people,' explained the pal, 'call it a cocktail.'
'Ah,' said her friend.
'I noticed,' reports Avril, 'that by the end of the evening they were very tipsy, indeed.'
Dead funny
Although the Diary is mostly a serious and hard-hitting commentary on the news, we occasionally stray into the arena of humour.
Reader John Mulholland has been musing about the business of being amusing.
'I wonder,' he says, 'do dead comedians who were really funny, made people laugh, and did a lot for comedy get post-humorous awards?'
George Crawford from West Kilbride isn't sure what the esteemed Victorian engineer, Isambard, would have thought of this Bristol restaurant's description of his texture… (Image: Contributed)
Getting the sack
Being a granddad often means putting up with shrieking kids.
Tim Thackeray was at his seven-year-old granddaughter's birthday party, and thankfully there wasn't too much shrieking… only screaming and yelling.
Also, lots of party balloons.
Tim turned to his wife and said: 'I don't get the point of balloons at a party. They're just plastic sacks filled with other people's breath.'
Jaws of despair
One of the horrors of getting old is your teeth decide to become unfaithful and abandon your gums.
And when they drop out, there's no point hiding them under your pillow and praying for a visit from the Tooth Fairy; she only dispenses the big bucks to kids.
Instead, you have to visit the dentist and his good friends, the pliers.
This is the situation Barry Davis found himself in when he got a terrible toothache.
'Does it look bad?' he whimpered to the dentist.
Trying to be gentle, the dentist replied: 'Put it like this. The Toothbrush of Damocles is hanging over your head.'
Picture this
The ageing process, continued.
'I've come to the conclusion that I have a memory like an Etch A Sketch,' says reader Grant Miller. 'I shake my head and everything's erased.'
Nicker nicked
Enraged Billy Wright gets in touch to berate the criminal class.
'To the person who stole my glasses,' he says, 'be warned, I'll find you… I have my contacts.'
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Scotsman
4 hours ago
- Scotsman
Small Acts of Love: the 'ambitious' new show reopening the Citizens' Theatre in Glasgow
This autumn, the Citizens' Theatre in Glasgow will reopen after a seven-year refurbishment programme with a production of Ricky Ross and Frances Poet's Lockerbie bombing drama Small Acts of Love. Joyce McMillan reports Sign up to our Arts and Culture newsletter, get the latest news and reviews from our specialist arts writers Sign up Thank you for signing up! Did you know with a Digital Subscription to The Scotsman, you can get unlimited access to the website including our premium content, as well as benefiting from fewer ads, loyalty rewards and much more. Learn More Sorry, there seem to be some issues. Please try again later. Submitting... First preview Tuesday 9 September, gala opening Friday 12th; and with a mighty swirl of Gorbals glamour, Glasgow's beloved Citizens' Theatre will be open again for business, after a £40 million rebuilding programme that was originally billed to take three years, but that - thanks to lockdown, among many other delays - has taken more than seven years, since May 2018. The newly refurbished Citizens' Theatre | Mark Liddell The result, though, is simply breathtaking. The Citizens' much-loved Victorian auditorium, first opened in 1878, remains as it always was, glowing in red plush and superb gold plasterwork, and with its dizzyingly steep balcony tier now gorgeously refurbished for the 21st century. All around it, though - and designed to reveal and celebrate the very bones of the original Citizens' building - is a fabulous new theatre building for Glasgow, still featuring some of the old backstage spaces, but also offering a soaring new foyer and cafe area opening straight onto Gorbals Street. Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad There are also - beyond the foyer - a range of impressive new facilities, from a brand new studio theatre and community company space to new or beautifully refurbished dressing rooms, rehearsal spaces, workshops and offices, and a magical glass-walled corridor that runs through the building, offering the public a view of everything from the backstage scene dock to the ancient machinery still in place under the stage. Dominic Hill | Tommy Ga-Ken Wan 'It's a wonderful moment,' says the Citizens' artistic director Dominic Hill, reflecting on the company's final rush to reopen, in just six weeks time. 'It feels big, and it feels national in its significance. The new building is just so exciting and inspiring; and what I love is the way it somehow holds the whole history of the Citizens', while also enabling us to look forward. In the time the theatre has been closed, a whole new community has grown up around it - a new Gorbals, with new people moving in; and we really want to be a vital part of that life of the community, a big building full of activity people can join in with, with a cafe that's open all day, and a real sense of open access for everyone. 'An in terms of the work on stage - well, you can see from our opening season that we want to present both classics and new work, perhaps more new work than in the past. We want to be telling stories about and from Scotland as it is today, as well as reinterpreting classics for our time; and that's why it just felt so right to reopen with a brand new show, a big, ambitious show that links Scotland to some of the key issues of our time.' Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad Ricky Ross | Tommy Ga-Ken Wan The show in question is Small Acts of Love, a new piece of music theatre about the aftermath of the Lockerbie bombing of 1988, co-written by Glasgow-based playwright Frances Poet and Ricky Ross of Deacon Blue, who is delighted to be involved in the reopening of the theatre. 'I came to Glasgow as a student in the early 1980's,' says Ross, 'and I went to see everything at the Citizens'. And it just changed me, as it changed many people in my generation - the idea that Glasgow could have this fabulous theatre that was challenging and exciting audiences all over Europe - it was just transformative. 'So I've always loved the place; and when Dominic suggested this project back in 2020, and put me in touch with Frances Poet who had already been working on the Lockerbie story, it just seemed absolutely right. The story of what happened in Lockerbie after the bombing is just so much a story about community; and that's something I think theatre, particularly music theatre, can just capture brilliantly. At first, back in lockdown, it was just Frances doing the research and writing the script, and me writing the songs, both music and lyrics. Frances Poet 'But as the lyrics began to emerge, I would share them with Frances, and she would begin to work them into the text; and I really hope we've created something that gets to the heart of that experience, of how a community - and the American families they came to know so well - can survive such a thing, and begin to live on.' Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad After Small Acts Of Love, the Citizens' autumn main stage season will also included a full-scale production of Tennessee Williams's The Glass Menagerie - co-produced with the Lyceum and Dundee Rep - and a first chance for Glasgow to see local playwright Douglas Maxwell's award-winning 2024 play So Young. And at Christmas, the theatre will present both Barrowland Ballet's beautiful show The Gift, and - on the main stage - a brand new version of Beauty And The Beast by Lewis Hetherington, co-directed by Dominic Hill with brilliant young director Joanna Bowman. 'And after Christmas,' adds Dominic Hill, 'we're really looking forward to shows like Lynn Nottage's terrific American rust-belt play Sweat, Stewart Laing's take on Saint Joan, and a stage adaptation of Denise Mina's brilliant Glasgow novel The Long Drop, about the Peter Manuel trial. 'One show I'm particularly pleased about, though, is the first play in our studio, the Citizens' young company show Close. On one hand it tells the story of the Close Theatre, the Citizens' little theatre club and studio that brought a whole new strand of radical work to Glasgow audiences in the 1960s and 70s. Yet on the other, it also looks forward, and reflects on how that history can help shape our work today, and into the future. And I think in that sense, our young company is really expressing everything we want to say about this theatre, as we reopen; how much we value the Citizens' amazing past, and how excited we are that we can now take that inspiration forward, into the future.'
The Sun
10 hours ago
- The Sun
World's tallest Victorian Gothic tower transformed into 4-bed home with stunning panoramic views hits the market in UK
THE world's tallest Victorian Gothic tower, with five floors and a roof terrace, has been transformed into a breathtaking four bed home. Ever wanted to live out your Disney princess fantasy? Well now you can, as the former castle has hit the UK market. 7 7 7 Hadlow Tower, a Grade I listed 175ft property sits six feet taller than Nelson's Column, and was once part of a Romantic Gothic style 18th century castle. It was built by wealthy merchant Walter Barton May in 1838 so he could spy on his estranged wife who left him for a local farmer. The tower was then used as a look out during World War Two, but was saved by Royal painter Bernard Hailstone. During a ferocious storm in 1987, the tower was severely damaged, and fell in to disrepair before it was restored in 2013 with the help of a £4.2 million grant provided by English Heritage and the Heritage Lottery Fund. Situated in the quaint village of Hadlow, in Tonbridge, Kent, the unique abode can be accessed via a triple-arched Gothic Entrance on the village high street. The castle can be found at the end of a long, winding, private countryside road, next to six additional buildings which have also now be converted into private properties. 7 The owners of these properties, as well as the owner of the tower have access to the communal former castle grounds, including sweeping lawns and a magnificent lake. Hadlow Tower, which is listed on Rightmove for an eye-watering £2,780,000 includes many original Gothic features, including orante mouldings and arched windows. However, the interior has been transformed in to a modern family home, that even has a lift. There's a cinema room, four bathrooms, a private garden and a castellated parapet, with astounding 360 degree views. This European castle was the inspiration for Disney The master bedroom, known as the Rapunzel Room, has its own roof terrace. The 3.45acre grounds boast a croquet lawn and an ornamental boating lake. Although the tower is tucked away, at the end of the lane is the bustling Hadlow high street, featuring a variety of shops, pubs, a library and a hairdressers. In nearby Tonbridge, there are also a number of great schools, and you can catch a train that will arrive in London in just 30-40 minutes. 5 Tips to Get on The Property Ladder Saving for your first property is tough, but it is possible. Here are a few steps for first-time buyers. 1. Cut back on luxuries and start saving Consistent monthly saving is the best way to accumulate enough money to get on the ladder, for a deposit and purchase fees. To do this, you need to take a look at your monthly outgoings and think about what can be cut out - holidays, new clothes, weekly takeaway. Using a savings calculator can help you to establish how long you will need to save for a deposit. Based on your income, you can figure out a realistic amount to save each month. 2. Have a realistic property search Set a budget for the property price you would like to buy, and think realistically about the location and size of your property. While we all may want that house with a view or extra bedroom, can you afford it? 3. Research Help To Buy and Shared Ownership schemes The government has introduced a few ways to help first-time-buyers get on the property ladder and they're great for those on lower incomes or to buy a property in more expensive areas like London. 4. Consider buying with another person Investing with somebody else you know is a sure way to get onto the property ladder. You only need to save half the amount you would otherwise, so you can work towards getting your property sooner. You can invest with a friend, family or partner. Naturally, it is a big step and a huge commitment so be open and honest about what you expect from living together — if you haven't already. 5. Talk to a mortgage broker and get your documents in order A mortgage broker can tell you exactly how much you can borrow for a mortgage, what you will need to pay monthly and in upfront costs. The owner of the property said: "This has been a very exciting and unique home that I have been privileged and proud to own for the past few years. "I and my family have thoroughly enjoyed our time here, including the peaceful and tranquil environment, but my business is taking my abroad so I feel it is time to hand the baton over to new custodians who will appreciate the uniqueness of this amazing place in such an incredible setting." James Mackenzie, head of Strutt & Parker's National Country House Department described the tower as "historically fascinating". He said: "Hadlow Tower had £4.5million invested into it so it is both historically fascinating and brand new. "It has the best of everything with incredible craftsmanship and every modern benefit. "This tower is a masterpiece and we've already had dozens of enquiries about it including foreign buyers." 7 7 7
Scotsman
17 hours ago
- Scotsman
'This magical venue near Edinburgh is my new favourite place to take my daughter'
Miserable weather at the weekend left my wife and I scratching our heads, thinking where we could go with our four-year-old that we haven't been to 1,000 times already. Sign up to our daily newsletter Sign up Thank you for signing up! Did you know with a Digital Subscription to Edinburgh News, you can get unlimited access to the website including our premium content, as well as benefiting from fewer ads, loyalty rewards and much more. Learn More Sorry, there seem to be some issues. Please try again later. Submitting... Like many parents with children of a certain age, we have exhausted all soft plays within a 15-mile radius, visited almost every park, and we know the museums like the back of our hand. And after looking online for something new, we learned about Bubbling Toad in Midlothian, a new magical venue located within Vogrie Country Park - and discovering this truly unique place was the silver lining to Saturday's dark clouds. Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad Bubbling Toad in offers a range of immersive sessions for children. There are also creative classes for groups and adults – full details can be found on the website | NW The team behind Bubbling Toad have transformed Vogrie House – a Victorian building from 1876 in the centre of the park – into an immersive experience where children can explore, play, imagine and wonder. Centred around bringing families together, it is an environment for creative play and calm adventure, offering a range of unique experiences across its three spaces: the beautiful Fairy Hollow, the mystical Potion Room and the tranquil Lunar Library. An escape room is set to open next month, with ongoing plans to introduce fairy trails around the country park. We tried the 'Time in the Hollow' class, a 60-minute session of dressing up, searching for fairies, dragons and everything in-between and craft making (we made a Mascarade mask complete with jewels and feathers). There is plenty to explore in the The Fairy Hollow room which is quite literally a work of art, and like the rest of the venue, the attention to detail is staggering. Bubbling Toad in Vogrie House opened its doors for the first time in June after months in the making | NW Branches that fell during Storm Éowyn decorate the walls, with lights, colours and textures fusing together to make a sensory masterpiece. A highlight of the room is the fairy garden, a space so rich in detail families can spend quality time uncovering the hidden treasures. My daughter (dressed as a fairy at the time) was utterly captivated, and begging us not to leave at closing time. Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad But unbeknownst to her we had already booked a session in the Potion Room for the following day. Bubbling Toad is about a 40-minute drive from Edinburgh and well worth the trip. Just like the Fairy Hollow, the Potion Room is an atmospheric delight where groups can make their own personal potion and even gain a qualification, all within an hour. Bubbling Toad in Vogrie House, Midlothian, has been largely unused for decades. Originally a family home, it became a nursing home in the 1920s and later served as a communications centre during the Cold War. More recently the historic building featured in the Netflix series, Dept. Q | NW Children are given Harry Potter-like gowns before entering the well-stocked potion room that has everything from powdered dragon scales to crushed moonflowers. The group first turns on the lights with their magic wands before learning potion tips and secrets from the Potion Master. Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad Interspersed with tales of dragons, unicorns and Vogrie Country Park itself, the potion class is a mesmerising session that captured my daughter's imagination as she made her sparkly, scented concoction. 'Magic of making memories' I spoke with Gayanne Potter who founded the business earlier in the year. The first seeds of the business were sown during Covid, when the Gorebridge local made an impromptu artwork made from a tree branch and fairy lights in her front garden for passers-by to enjoy on their daily walk. But this fairy tree quickly proved popular with the local community and the creative installation 'grew arms and legs'. Gayanne said: 'I just started to get all these ideas, initially providing crafts and little activities for children to enjoy, to then making a witch's cottage during Halloween – it later became a Santa's grotto. People kept saying to me 'you should do this for a job' and that's where the idea sparked from. 'During Covid we were all back to basics, families were rekindling and reconnecting, they were learning how to play as a family again because that's what we did to survive it. Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad Visitors will enter a world of wonde beneath the flicker of candlelight and the watchful eye of the friendly Potion Master | NW 'And I saw the joy that it was bringing, not just to kids, but for adults also who now had the time and the space to spend with their children rather than running at a million miles an hour. 'I thought, I wonder if I could create something that gave families that space, where they're not in front of screens, they're using their imagination and they can be together, enjoy simple pleasures, and enjoy the magic of making memories.' At less than two months old, Bubbling Toad remains a hidden gem for parents and children to explore, but I expect this enchanted place will soon become a regular haunt for many. For more information and to book a visit you can visit the Bubbling Toad website.
