5 Common Pre-Wedding Fears You May Have, By A Psychologist

Forbes

18 hours ago

It's normal to have pre-wedding jitters, but you should take a moment to ask yourself: are these ... More feelings coming from real concerns or just nerves about the big day?
You may have heard the phrase that the best type of divorce is the one that happens before marriage. Given the life-changing nature of this union, it may seem logical to flee if the decision seems 'wrong.' But is it really the rational step we think it is?
Wedding jitters hit nearly everyone before they say 'I do.' Many start to rethink their decision when the planning for the big day starts. Their anxiety might peak when they're shopping for wedding outfits, planning venues and finalizing guest lists. They start to visualize what their married life could look like, and they wonder — what if they decided not to go through with it?
Suddenly, just like that, they're lying awake at night wondering if they're making a mistake and panicking when everyone around them tells them how excited they are.
Pre-wedding anxiety, or 'wedding jitters,' are extremely common, even among couples in loving, committed relationships. These thoughts signal the emotional weight of transitioning into a lifelong partnership.
Here are five common pre-wedding fears you may have and here's what they might mean.
1. 'I'm Not Ready'
As couples go through transitional phases of their relationship, like moving in together and getting engaged, they find it harder to back out, more so because of situational constraints, rather than love and devotion to one another. As a result, it may lead to an unsettling sense of doubt and sometimes, even paralyzing anxiety. Some may even realize how unprepared they feel for this change.
A 2020 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships suggests that this may be explained by inertia theory, which suggests that couples often 'slide' through relationship stages without consciously deciding to move forward. The further they go, the harder it becomes to leave.
This could be due to constraints like shared history, relational investments (e.g., living together), feeling comfortable or simply, because of the expenses involved in the wedding.
'(The relationship) was my comfort zone, even though I was miserable it was what I was used to. I feel like it's hard for some people to get out of that routine,' says Laura, a participant of the study.
Weddings symbolize a life-altering commitment, so it's natural for your brain to start assessing threats. You might start to question whether you're emotionally, financially or mentally equipped for marriage and anything less than an affirmative 'yes' makes you doubt your decision.
Sometimes, people think that they need to 'have it all figured out' before embarking on this journey. But in truth, no one ever feels completely ready. Feeling ready takes time. It's more of a journey than a destination. A more helpful question to ask is: 'Am I ready to grow with this person and be loyal to them for life?'
2. 'My Life Will Change Forever'
'I realized that getting married means spending the rest of your life with this person and not that I couldn't have made that judgment call when he asked (me to marry him). I could have, but I didn't. And at that point, it kind of clicked. This is a lifelong thing and I don't think that I can do that,' says Cassie, another respondent from the 2020 study. The magnitude of this decision scared her.
Not everyone feels ready for such a drastic change. Marriage often means building a shared identity alongside one's own, shaping one's routine around a life with another person and adjusting to changing family dynamics. This can lead many to worry that they'll lose their independence or the things that bring them joy. It also strays from their version of what 'life as usual' looks like.
Change is scary: this transformative phase of engagement often leads you to grieve the version of you that was 'single' and parts of the life you may be leaving behind.
It's normal to mourn this period. However, remember that marriage shouldn't take away from the things or the people you love, and that change can also positively impact your life.
3. 'What If They're The Wrong Person?'
The time between your engagement and marriage is when tensions tend to peak for both partners in the relationship. They start to seek out potential red flags during this period that they may have previously ignored.
What if your partner is a bigot? What if they dislike the activities and hobbies you enjoy? What if you realize that the two of you don't have as much in common as you previously thought?
This is the time when couples may start projecting their fears onto each other and fighting more often. They may also consider ending their relationship or distance themselves from their partner to get some space.
'I wanted space to think about why I was having such a bad feeling about it, and I felt like being with him was making it really difficult to follow through with a really hard decision because I loved him,' explains Ruth, another participant from the 2020 study.
Sometimes, partners go through 'relationship cycling' when they break up temporarily, only to resolve their issues and patch up later. However, there are also times when significant red flags arise that shouldn't be ignored.
'(He) called me names, didn't like the relationship that I had with my mother. I found out he had been married, but not just once before, but two times. He cheated on his wife, not once but several times and so those red flags just continued to go up. And then as days, then weeks, then months went on, I formed a concrete wall,' another participant mentions.
In such cases, it's essential to choose emotional safety and trust your judgement when something doesn't sit right with you.
Additionally, it might be helpful to reflect on whether your fears about compatibility existed prior to the engagement. These are worth paying attention to, as they speak to relationship patterns that can determine your future.
4. 'Am I Settling?'
Settling often means being with someone who doesn't match your expectations and accepting less than what you want or deserve. It can stem from a fear of loneliness, low self-esteem or choosing short-term comfort over long-term happiness.
Research also confirms that a fear of being single is a common reason behind settling for less in relationships.
You might wonder if you should've waited longer. Maybe, you would have found someone more ambitious, attractive or fun. In the age of dating apps and endless options, this fear has become more common than ever before.
Many people think they can always 'do better,' even when they're with a highly compatible partner. This stems from the 'paradox of choice,' where having too many options makes it harder to make a decision, and ultimately lowers our satisfaction with the choice we make.
Because of this, it might be tough to decipher between genuinely settling and being realistic. Even when you make good decisions, you may experience fear or regret because of the sheer presence of other choices.
Remember that no partner is perfect. The real question is whether your values and goals as partners align and whether you feel emotionally safe and enriched. Ask yourself if you're okay with having an imperfect future with this person, or if you're choosing them just because you're scared to be alone.
5. 'Will Marriage Ruin What We Have Now?'
Many consider romantic love the foundation of marriage and fear that long-term commitment inevitably kills romance. You might worry that it'll change or ruin your relationship and that once the honeymoon phase fades, you'll fall into a set routine and risk losing the passion you have now.
But research states otherwise. A study published in Review of General Psychology conducted a meta-analysis of 25 studies and found that romantic love can exist in and help sustain long-term relationships, as long as it doesn't border on obsession.
While obsession may lead to a spike in satisfaction in a relationship early on, it may negatively impact long-term relationships due to jealousy and control issues. What matters more in long-term relationships is companionate love, where the partners have a calmer, friendship-like connection.
When your lover is also your best friend, your relationship takes on new meaning. You have to keep putting in effort to sustain it, and you gain the reassurance that you'll always have someone to weather the storm with. And despite valid fears, the idea of marrying your best friend can, indeed, be a profound source of comfort.
Major life transitions are bound to scare you. But it's okay — and even necessary — to explore those fears. What do they mean? Where are they stemming from? Are they based on real-life concerns that need to be addressed?
The idea that you should 'just know' if your partner is the one is overrated. So, talk about your thoughts, face your fears with honesty and remember that what matters most is that the decision feels right to you, despite the nerves.
Does your relationship make you feel confident in the possibility of marriage? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Relationship Satisfaction Scale