‘My husband's diabetes destroyed our sex life – here's how we saved our marriage'

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3 days ago

'Sex – several times a week – had always been an important glue in our marriage,' says Sara Chaudary, who's been with her husband Arion for 17 years. 'Yet there were horribly strained evenings, when we'd start having sex but couldn't finish. As a result he stopped instigating sex, and rejected me trying to start it. This just wasn't the norm for us.'
Erectile dysfunction (ED) – the inability to get or maintain an erection sufficient for satisfactory sexual performance – remains one of the most awkwardly unspoken medical conditions among men. Yet for millions worldwide, it is far from rare – especially when diabetes is thrown into the mix. For West Yorkshire restaurant owners Sara, 36, and Arion, 45, problems in the bedroom followed shortly after Arion's Type 2 diabetes diagnosis at the age of 43.
He is not alone. In the UK, more than 4.3 million people live with diabetes, with around 90 per cent of cases being Type 2, like Arion's. According to Diabetes UK, ED is more likely in older men with Type 2 diabetes and those living with obesity, though it can affect men of any age with any type of diabetes. Up to 75 per cent of men suffering from diabetes will experience some degree of ED over their lifetime, with male diabetics thought to develop symptoms 10-15 years earlier than other men.
'It's one of the most common complications of the disease – yet it's also one of the least discussed,' says consultant urologist Professor David Ralph, of University College London.
'Many men feel embarrassed when I meet them, the term 'erectile dysfunction' rarely leave their lips. Instead they come in saying things like, 'it's not like it used to be, doctor' or 'it's not working properly down there'. There's often a feeling that they've somehow let themselves or their partner down,' says Professor Ralph.
'It's my job to explain that ED is extremely common – particularly with age and underlying health conditions like diabetes – and that it's a medical issue, not a personal failing.'Why this occurs, says Professor Ralph, is because prolonged high blood sugar can damage the small blood vessels and nerves which are essential for an erection. 'This reduces blood flow and sensation in the penis. Men with diabetes are also more likely to have low testosterone, which further lowers sexual desire,' he adds.
Professor Ralph also points out that psychological factors such as anxiety or low mood can worsen the problem. While other diabetes-related health problems, such as heart or kidney disease, may also play a role in reducing sexual desire and contributing to erection problems.
Sara and Arion first met in 2008, moved in together within two months and welcomed their first child a year later. But their whirlwind romance stood the test of time, as they married and went on to have five sons together, now aged 16, 14, 12, nine and three.
'After so many years together we both know sex isn't the be-all and end-all, but it's certainly the important glue, and I'd say we connected this way three to four times a week' says Sara, who helps run Arion's restaurant. 'Having friends who haven't had passion that actually lasts, we always felt very fortunate in that area.'
A routine check-up a few years ago showed Arion was pre-diabetic. 'Diabetes is more prevalent in the South East Asian community, and in my line of work I'm constantly surrounded by delicious chapatis, naan, and we cook with ghee – admittedly not ideal for insulin levels,' he says.
According to Professor Ralph, pre-diabetes is a 'warning sign' and prompt action – modifying lifestyle factors such as weight loss – can minimise the risks by getting the sugars controlled.
Determined to reverse the condition naturally, Arion improved his diet, installed a treadmill in the front room, and played football with his sons. But despite these efforts, by 43, he'd tipped into full Type 2 diabetes. This too, alas, is common says Professor Ralph. 'Many patients progress to full blown diabetes, and all of the cardiovascular complications including ED.'
That's when things started to change in the bedroom.
'For someone who is naturally full of beans, Arion became more lethargic,' describes Sara. 'His erections were weaker, and intercourse became a struggle.'
Sara admits she worried Arion had stopped finding her attractive. 'After five babies my body had changed, however many kegel exercises I did. There were tense evenings, and the longer it carried on, the more Arion lost his confidence. His enthusiasm for sex waned, I'm sure he feared it would result in failure.' She knew they needed to talk about it – but not during sex.
'I didn't want to bring it up while in bed, with all that pressure. So instead, the two of us we went out for a walk and I said, 'I love you, come on, let's talk about this.' Arion seemed relieved I'd raised it. 'Of course I still fancy you,' he reassured me. And I cried, 'Of course I don't think you're letting me down.' That initial conversation was an important first step.
Together, they focused on non-penetrative ways to stay intimate. 'We tried massages, different positions, using sex toys, and yes – forgive me if this is frank – we practised more oral sex,' admits Sara says. 'It was worth us both improving our technique, and just lightening up a little if things didn't work out.'
When Arion decided he wasn't ready to stop having sex in the way they were used to, he went to the GP, who suggested Viagra.
PDE5 inhibitor oral medications – like sildenafil (Viagra) or tadalafil (Cialis) – remain the first-line treatment according to Professor Ralph. These work by temporarily improving blood flow.
'However, they don't address another key issue that many men with ED face – the problem of blood leaking back out too quickly, which can make it hard to maintain an erection. Studies indicate that around half of men stop taking them within a year. Patients often report side effects like headaches or flushing and do not like having to plan sex around a pill.'
Treatments for ED have advanced considerably, says Professor Ralph, with far more available today than 10 years ago.Second-line options include NHS-provided mechanical vacuum devices, which help draw blood back into the penis. 'While these are effective and non-invasive, many men find them inconvenient or uncomfortable long-term,' admits Professor Ralph.
Penile injections are another alternative. 'Alprostadil injections (which relax the blood vessels in the penis) are used when oral treatments fail and are effective in the majority of cases, but drawbacks include pain, priapism risk (an unwanted erection lasting hours), and the need for self-injection,' says Professor Ralph.
Penile implants are available too, but this surgical option tends to be reserved for more complex or persistent cases. They're irreversible but associated with high satisfaction rates.
'More recently, there's been growing interest in treatments that aim to restore function more naturally – especially among men (such as Arion) who want longer-term solutions or don't like the idea of planning sex around a pill.'
One example is low-intensity shockwave therapy which is a private treatment that uses sound waves to stimulate blood flow and encourage new blood vessel growth.
'It can benefit some, particularly those with mild ED, but the clinical results are mixed, and it requires multiple clinic visits, and can cost up to £3000,' explains Professor Ralph.
'Another option is Vertica, a handheld, at-home device, using radiofrequency energy to improve blood flow and reduce venous leak, a common cause of ED,' he adds.
A peer reviewed study in the International Journal of Impotence Research reported that 85 per cent of users experienced improvement at four weeks, and 93 per cent had erections sufficient for penetration by 12 weeks.
It's approved by the MHRA (Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency) though is not available on the NHS and costs approximately £1,250-£1,500, depending on the model.Interestingly, says Professor Ralph, the device worked just as well in men with diabetes 'who are typically harder to treat'. 'Around 40 per cent of men in the trial had Type 2 diabetes – given how often ED and diabetes go hand in hand that's encouraging.'
For Arion personally, 'who doesn't even like taking paracetamol' it was the drug free solution, Vertica, that worked. 'After about a month of using the device three to four times a week consistently we noticed a difference,' says Arion. 'My morning erections returned, full sex was mostly possible, and crucially my confidence improved,' says Arion. 'It felt like turning back time in a way we didn't think possible.'Today, the couple feel closer than ever. 'It's just like normal again, before his diabetes diagnosis,' Sara says. 'We laugh more, talk more, touch more. We came through this hurdle together, and who knows, we're not ruling out baby number six in the future...'
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