One dad talked about the 'father's mental load.' Then the backlash hit.
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The term "mental load" is commonly used to describe the responsibilities that women and mothers often bear for their families.
But what about the mental load that fathers carry?
Haven Weits, 33, explored the topic in an episode of her podcast 'Haven!' with her friend, Nick Mulenos, 35.
'Yes, we have things that we carry that the other partner may not carry,' he said on the May 5 episode. 'There's also an expectation among men that we handle our own stuff and we handle our own problems.'
The clip, which amassed more than 53,000 views on TikTok, prompted some controversy in the comment section about the father mental load, whether it exists and why men don't feel comfortable expressing it.
"Men use the same five chores as some sort of rebuttal to minimize their wives' work in the home while the majority of moms ALSO have a job," one Instagram user commented.
"What many women don't get is the constant stress and fear that men are under constantly," another user commented. "There is no room for failure because if I fail, we all fail."
There's no question that fathers and men carry their own version of the mental load, said Dr. Mill Brown, chief medical officer at Spring Health, a mental health platform. And today's dads are more engaged and involved with their children than fathers in previous generations, research has shown. However, societal pressure, a lack of male role models and a disregard for men's mental health have made it difficult for them to share their anxieties.
'Dads have been influenced by society to be tough, stoic, strong and hold these feelings in,' he said. 'Just because dads don't show their emotions as much as moms, doesn't mean that their feelings and stress do not exist in their family.'
What does the 'father mental load' look like?
While Haven's mental load typically consists of daily tasks, her husband tends to think big picture.
Aaron Weits, 36, worries about long-term goals like where the family will live in five years, where the children will go to school and how to financially support those goals.
'It can be less tangible and sometimes because of that, it's harder to talk about,' he said.
He also bears the burden of how to keep the family safe where they live in Los Angeles. He remembers his dad doing the same thing and automatically assumed that role when he had children.
'Even if I'm hovering at the mall, I'm always keeping an eye on everyone,' Aaron said. 'It's not something I share but it's almost innate. It's just a natural expression as a dad.'
On top of household tasks and financial security, Mulenos said part of his mental load is how he can better support his wife and offload some of her mental stress. He also worries that expressing his mental load would inadvertently invalidate his wife's experiences and struggles.
'If they're bringing up, 'hey, I need help with what I'm carrying,' and your response is, 'look at what I'm carrying' – that can be invalidating,' he said. 'Even though that's not the intent, they don't want to push down what their wife is expressing to them.'
Recognizing the mental load in both partners
A new age of parenting has created various pressures and challenges for both moms and dads, mental health experts said. Both parents tend to worry about income stability, financial issues, job performance and keeping track of a busy family.
'Trying to be a modern parent comes with its own pressures, especially when compared to traditional societal expectations for the role,' Brown said.
Couples can share the parenting load by having a shared calendar, setting up regular family meetings to align on tasks and consistently sharing what responsibilities each partner is taking on, he said.
Date nights and one-on-one time have helped Haven and Aaron be more receptive to each other's needs when sharing the responsibilities for their family.
While he wants more men to be able to effectively communicate their needs, Mulenos hopes both men and women can recognize the importance of understanding each other's mental load.
'What I want is for the conversation around the mental load – in general – to be continued and magnified,' he said. 'It's not that I want fathers to stay silent, I want them to be transparent with their feelings but I just want it to be seen as we're carrying our family forward.'
Adrianna Rodriguez can be reached at adrodriguez@usatoday.com.
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Yet, it also stops an individual from spending time in more rewarding activities. How to stop doomscrolling and get out of the rut The good news is that there are simple ways to reduce the pull of entrenchment. In our research, people were far more likely to switch tasks when they were less entrenched − that is, when they considered switching after performing the less desirable tasks fewer times, before entrenchment took hold. Stop the scroll: These tips can help you put your phone down So, the next time you sit down to browse your favorite news app or social media channel, think about ways to encourage yourself to switch sooner. Perhaps set a timer to go off after a set period, giving you the opportunity to switch before becoming entrenched. This simple step can help you notice − and resist − the powerful pull of entrenchment. Not only will the alarm make you more aware of the passage of time, but it also will help you recognize (and fight against) the pull of entrenchment. Opinion alerts: Get columns from your favorite columnists + expert analysis on top issues, delivered straight to your device through the USA TODAY app. Don't have the app? Download it for free from your app store. In the workplace, it is also important for managers to understand the potential perils of entrenchment. Just because a new way of working is more engaging or rewarding doesn't guarantee individuals will automatically adopt a new approach. Managers need to actively support team members in helping them to change their behaviors. Left to their own devices, many employees can get sidetracked performing repetitive tasks that have less value for the organization. And that ultimately leave workers feeling unfulfilled. Ziv Carmon is The Alfred H. Heineken Chaired Professor of Marketing at INSEAD. Alicea Lieberman is an assistant professor in marketing and behavioral decision making at the UCLA Anderson School of Management. On Amir, the Wolfe Family Presidential Endowed Chair in Life Sciences Innovation and Entrepreneurship, is also senior associate dean for faculty and research at the University of California-San Diego. You can read diverse opinions from our USA TODAY columnists and other writers on the Opinion front page, on X, formerly Twitter, @usatodayopinion and in our Opinion newsletter.
