Silver Linings: Why am I still here?
No, I replied. We don't.
'I didn't think so,' he replied.
Marriner lives in an assisted living center. He went there a few months ago. He is a talker and can get around with a walker. He's talked to most of the residents of the center.
Many of them, he tells me, question why they are still alive. Not in a morbid sense, perhaps more perplexed than sad.
'I hear lots of complaints from people who live here,' he says. 'People tell me they are tired of living. That's why I asked about euthanasia. All the residents here used to be 'somebody,' but now most people here feel like they are a 'nobody.' They don't know what to do with themselves. They are just waiting to die.'
Marriner was a school principal for more than 35 years. He knows how to listen to complaints, how to be empathetic, how to soothe others' concerns even when there isn't much he can actually do about their circumstances. He understands what it means to connect — and he is a master connector
'Some of the residents here can be very demanding,' he says. 'The staff members are expected just to 'take it.' There's lots of staff people here who get yelled at by residents and ignored by others. I listen to both sides.'
'There are troubles everywhere,' he continues. 'I try to make things easier by sharing a funny story or giving a compliment or asking about their day. Staff people here are supposed to help me. But I try to turn the tables and help them,' he says smiling broadly.
'People here tell me they are just plain tired. They have a gloomy outlook and can't see any way that things will ever get better,' he says. 'In some cases, they have family or other regrets but feel there is nothing they can do about them. Or they have other disappointments about missed opportunities.'
'I don't give them platitudes,' he says. 'I just listen. Sometimes I tell them to write a letter or make a phone call. Mostly, I'm just a friend. It gives me something to do and I think others are happy to see me.'
Like Marriner, Faye Mathews is in her 90's but is still living independently at home. Children and others visit her daily or call her on the phone to find out about her day. Her husband Dick passed away 3 years ago. Dick and I were friends. His passing and our loss has affected both Faye and me.
Faye has a pacemaker in her heart, macular degeneration in her eyes, and now walks only with the aid of a walker. She uses a walker to steady herself in getting from room to room because she doesn't get out much.
'I don't know why I'm still here,' she said wistfully during a recent visit. 'I can't do much and I'm really no good to anyone. Besides, I'm ready to go'
She notices my concerned look and raised eyebrows, then continues. 'My kids tell me that's crazy talk. But what good am I to anyone?' she asks.
'What do you kids say when you tell them that?' I ask.
'They tell me that I've earned this extra time. But for what purpose?' she asks. 'When I get to the other side, I'm going to ask God 'Why?' Why did I spend those extra years just hanging around doing nothing?'
Faye spent her early years in Cache Valley. But when she and Dick married, they lived around the world, residing not only in Texas and New Mexico but also in Nigeria, Pakistan and the Philippines. Their house is like a comfortable museum set piece with paintings and artifacts from the many places they have traveled to and lived.
'I used to be busy, so busy that I rarely had time for myself,' she said. 'Now, all my time is for myself. But I can't do much. It's hard to adapt to this role reversal.'
Despite this change, she's determined there is now a new role for her. But what? Perhaps subtle, perhaps less physically demanding, yet still in some way significant.
'I think maybe I'm a little like a human talisman,' she mused once. 'I have several talismans — objects that are viewed as significant by people in an area — from different countries including beaded wall hangings from Nigeria that ward off evil influences and jewelry from Pakistan that are supposed to bring good luck. They are like a rabbit's foot or a four leaf clover. Nobody really thinks they bring good luck, but nobody who has one is ready to toss it out, either.'
Faye has five children, dozens of grandchildren, and a growing number of great-grandchildren. She once had prominent positions in her community, her church and with expatriate organizations around the world. Like a talisman, she holds a special place among family and friends. In a unique way, paraphrasing and reframing the words to a once popular song, people who know her might say: 'You say it best when you say nothing at all.'
Or, like 'Ma' in 'The Grapes of Wrath,' it now seems that her influence is based less on what she says or does and more on what she represents. Steinbeck wrote about Ma's influence this way:
'Her hazel eyes seemed to have experienced all possible tragedy and to have mounted pain and suffering like steps into a high calm… She seemed to know, to accept, to welcome her position, the citadel of the family, the strong place that could not be taken.
'And since old Tom and the children could not know hurt or fear unless she acknowledged hurt and fear, she practiced denying them in herself. And since, when a joyful thing happened, they looked to see whether joy was on her, it was her habit to build up laughter out of inadequate materials….
'She seemed to know that if she swayed, the family shook, and if she ever deeply wavered or despaired the family would fall apart, the family will to function would be gone…And so from her great and humble position in the family she had taken dignity and a clean, calm beauty.'
Perhaps at any age we long for purposeful living, for meaning and belonging, for a chance to show our worth is so much more than our net worth. Perhaps we build micro-communities wherever we live — assisted living centers or traditional neighborhoods. Perhaps we don't 'find' meaning or purpose so much as we 'make it.'
Perhaps our value is not simply just by what we do, but at least as much in who we are.
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