3 Dating Checklist Essentials To Find Love, Backed By A Psychologist
To many, dating today feels harder than it did a decade ago. The influx of countless dating apps in the market and the growing burnout from their use has drained much of the joy from the process.
With endless swiping and distorted expectations on both sides, getting even the bare minimum feels rare, especially if you're looking for love and a long-term relationship with the prospect of a future together; not hookups, flings or someone who resembles your ex.
So, the question then becomes, how do you find someone who's in it for the long haul? That's where a checklist can help. While dating profiles often highlight superficial traits or hobbies, people often overlook what truly matters — their non-negotiables.
By setting clear boundaries and refusing to settle for less than you deserve, you can save yourself and your partner-to-be a lot of heartache. Here are three such non-negotiables you should consider giving the top spot in your dating checklist.
1. They Can Talk About Their Feelings
When you find someone you are interested in, the first question you should ask yourself is, 'Are they emotionally available for me?' You don't necessarily need someone who's texting constantly or replying in a heartbeat, but someone who's there when it matters.
When you share something meaningful with them, for example, a promotion at work or one good thing that happened in your day, how do they respond? Is it met with enthusiasm and curiosity, or with curt, bland or dismissive replies?
Emotional availability often reflects the level of investment and commitment someone has in you and a potential future together. A 2015 review on emotional availability published in Frontiers in Psychology defined it as 'the ability of two people to share a healthy emotional connection.'
Expanding on attachment theory in parent-child relationships, researchers found that emotional availability is centered around emotional warmth, sensitivity and responsiveness in everyday interactions.
They measured it across six core areas:
A. Four adult qualities:
B. Two child qualities:
The researchers discovered that a parent's increased emotional availability predicted improved emotional regulation, secure attachment and greater social skills in their children.
Though the study reviewed emotional availability in parent–child dyads, researchers highlight that the principle can be used in all relationships, romantic or otherwise, where the emotional relationship between two people is crucial.
So, look for a partner who offers you warmth, sensitivity and responsiveness while respecting your autonomy. They know how to communicate how they're feeling, and show up authentically and with vulnerability. You don't have to guess their feelings, because they involve you in their inner world.
These traits reflect that they are emotionally available and attuned to you, rather than being consumed by their own emotions, needs or experiences. Such partners are able to self-regulate, while offering you the space and support to do the same.
2. They Share Your Core Values
No amount of love or attraction can overcome differences in core beliefs, like religion, political views, whether you want kids or the kind of life you want for yourself.
Compatibility in relationships means more than having common interests; it's a test of seeing if you're traveling in the same direction or if you're on completely different routes in life.
When you discover you share the same hobbies, the same love for cats and long evening walks, it can feel like a serendipitous match. But if you discover their political ideology is the exact opposite of yours, or that they hold more traditional beliefs while you're more of a spontaneous and free-spirited person, it creates a knot that's hard to untangle and move past.
In a 2023 study published in Personality and Individual Differences, researchers looked at the idea of compatibility — how well two individuals click, not necessarily how attractive each is separately.
The researchers ascertained that individuals liked partners who were like them, particularly in long-term, serious relationships and in aspects such as lifestyle, opinions, morals, family, food, religion and leisure.
Researchers also found that similarity/difference preferences in a partner were linked to one's style of loving. Those who scored high in Eros, a romantic and passionate style of loving, preferred similarity in romanticism, morals, appearance and empathy. Those who scored high in Pragma, a practical love orientation, preferred similarity in lifestyle, family beliefs, diet and intellectual level.
On the other hand, those with an Agape love style, which is giving and altruistic, were more embracing of differences, especially in opinion, social interaction and intellectual style.
These criteria can offer insight into what you need to align with another person on, and clearly, this is unique to you as a person. So, one non-negotiable on your checklist should be, 'Do we agree on things that truly matter to me?'
3. They Can Have Hard Conversations
There will come a time when there are disagreements, misunderstandings or conflicts as you transition into a deeper relationship. These are inevitable, but can be beneficial in learning more about the other person and how the two of you function as a unit.
Does your date get overly defensive, shut down entirely or stretch a disagreement into a week-long emotional rollercoaster? Or do they take initiative to repair, empathize and reconnect with you in the moment?
When your chemistry is peaking with this person, don't forget to consider, 'How will they handle things at the tipping point?' Can they sit in discomfort, communicate through it and work toward resolution? If so, you've found someone who doesn't run at the first sign of uncertainty.
Relationships take effort, and some require a more delicate touch than others. This is precisely why the skill of conflict resolution becomes a relationship dealbreaker for most couples. When both individuals become closed off during conflict, not much is left to save.
When one is constantly reaching out and the other is stonewalling, there is only one doing the emotional labor. A relationship functions only when both individuals are accountable and showing up for the other person, reliably.
A 2024 study, which looked at how individuals — including romantic partners — maneuver conflicts within close relationships, described four major conflict management styles:
Researchers learned that individuals who practice positive problem solving — approaching disagreements openly and constructively — have longer and more satisfying relationships.
On the other hand, negative strategies such as conflict engagement, withdrawal or compliance were associated with lower relationship satisfaction and more adjustment problems.
Although every person has their own unique list, keeping these three non-negotiables at the top makes it more likely to find someone who will go the distance with you.
The journey may seem overwhelming, especially if you're having multiple dates, conversations or letdowns, but adhering to a checklist of your deal-breakers will spare you a great deal of heartache later on, while guiding you toward a partner that's truly right for you.
Are you as emotionally intelligent as the partner you're looking for? Take the science-backed Emotional Quotient Inventory to find out.
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Forbes
01-07-2025
- Forbes
3 Dating Checklist Essentials To Find Love, Backed By A Psychologist
The safest way to avoid falling for the wrong person is to define your non-negotiables early in the ... More dating phase. To many, dating today feels harder than it did a decade ago. The influx of countless dating apps in the market and the growing burnout from their use has drained much of the joy from the process. With endless swiping and distorted expectations on both sides, getting even the bare minimum feels rare, especially if you're looking for love and a long-term relationship with the prospect of a future together; not hookups, flings or someone who resembles your ex. So, the question then becomes, how do you find someone who's in it for the long haul? That's where a checklist can help. While dating profiles often highlight superficial traits or hobbies, people often overlook what truly matters — their non-negotiables. By setting clear boundaries and refusing to settle for less than you deserve, you can save yourself and your partner-to-be a lot of heartache. Here are three such non-negotiables you should consider giving the top spot in your dating checklist. 1. They Can Talk About Their Feelings When you find someone you are interested in, the first question you should ask yourself is, 'Are they emotionally available for me?' You don't necessarily need someone who's texting constantly or replying in a heartbeat, but someone who's there when it matters. When you share something meaningful with them, for example, a promotion at work or one good thing that happened in your day, how do they respond? Is it met with enthusiasm and curiosity, or with curt, bland or dismissive replies? Emotional availability often reflects the level of investment and commitment someone has in you and a potential future together. A 2015 review on emotional availability published in Frontiers in Psychology defined it as 'the ability of two people to share a healthy emotional connection.' Expanding on attachment theory in parent-child relationships, researchers found that emotional availability is centered around emotional warmth, sensitivity and responsiveness in everyday interactions. They measured it across six core areas: A. Four adult qualities: B. Two child qualities: The researchers discovered that a parent's increased emotional availability predicted improved emotional regulation, secure attachment and greater social skills in their children. Though the study reviewed emotional availability in parent–child dyads, researchers highlight that the principle can be used in all relationships, romantic or otherwise, where the emotional relationship between two people is crucial. So, look for a partner who offers you warmth, sensitivity and responsiveness while respecting your autonomy. They know how to communicate how they're feeling, and show up authentically and with vulnerability. You don't have to guess their feelings, because they involve you in their inner world. These traits reflect that they are emotionally available and attuned to you, rather than being consumed by their own emotions, needs or experiences. Such partners are able to self-regulate, while offering you the space and support to do the same. 2. They Share Your Core Values No amount of love or attraction can overcome differences in core beliefs, like religion, political views, whether you want kids or the kind of life you want for yourself. Compatibility in relationships means more than having common interests; it's a test of seeing if you're traveling in the same direction or if you're on completely different routes in life. When you discover you share the same hobbies, the same love for cats and long evening walks, it can feel like a serendipitous match. But if you discover their political ideology is the exact opposite of yours, or that they hold more traditional beliefs while you're more of a spontaneous and free-spirited person, it creates a knot that's hard to untangle and move past. In a 2023 study published in Personality and Individual Differences, researchers looked at the idea of compatibility — how well two individuals click, not necessarily how attractive each is separately. The researchers ascertained that individuals liked partners who were like them, particularly in long-term, serious relationships and in aspects such as lifestyle, opinions, morals, family, food, religion and leisure. Researchers also found that similarity/difference preferences in a partner were linked to one's style of loving. Those who scored high in Eros, a romantic and passionate style of loving, preferred similarity in romanticism, morals, appearance and empathy. Those who scored high in Pragma, a practical love orientation, preferred similarity in lifestyle, family beliefs, diet and intellectual level. On the other hand, those with an Agape love style, which is giving and altruistic, were more embracing of differences, especially in opinion, social interaction and intellectual style. These criteria can offer insight into what you need to align with another person on, and clearly, this is unique to you as a person. So, one non-negotiable on your checklist should be, 'Do we agree on things that truly matter to me?' 3. They Can Have Hard Conversations There will come a time when there are disagreements, misunderstandings or conflicts as you transition into a deeper relationship. These are inevitable, but can be beneficial in learning more about the other person and how the two of you function as a unit. Does your date get overly defensive, shut down entirely or stretch a disagreement into a week-long emotional rollercoaster? Or do they take initiative to repair, empathize and reconnect with you in the moment? When your chemistry is peaking with this person, don't forget to consider, 'How will they handle things at the tipping point?' Can they sit in discomfort, communicate through it and work toward resolution? If so, you've found someone who doesn't run at the first sign of uncertainty. Relationships take effort, and some require a more delicate touch than others. This is precisely why the skill of conflict resolution becomes a relationship dealbreaker for most couples. When both individuals become closed off during conflict, not much is left to save. When one is constantly reaching out and the other is stonewalling, there is only one doing the emotional labor. A relationship functions only when both individuals are accountable and showing up for the other person, reliably. A 2024 study, which looked at how individuals — including romantic partners — maneuver conflicts within close relationships, described four major conflict management styles: Researchers learned that individuals who practice positive problem solving — approaching disagreements openly and constructively — have longer and more satisfying relationships. On the other hand, negative strategies such as conflict engagement, withdrawal or compliance were associated with lower relationship satisfaction and more adjustment problems. Although every person has their own unique list, keeping these three non-negotiables at the top makes it more likely to find someone who will go the distance with you. The journey may seem overwhelming, especially if you're having multiple dates, conversations or letdowns, but adhering to a checklist of your deal-breakers will spare you a great deal of heartache later on, while guiding you toward a partner that's truly right for you. Are you as emotionally intelligent as the partner you're looking for? Take the science-backed Emotional Quotient Inventory to find out.
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