
3 Dating Checklist Essentials To Find Love, Backed By A Psychologist
To many, dating today feels harder than it did a decade ago. The influx of countless dating apps in the market and the growing burnout from their use has drained much of the joy from the process.
With endless swiping and distorted expectations on both sides, getting even the bare minimum feels rare, especially if you're looking for love and a long-term relationship with the prospect of a future together; not hookups, flings or someone who resembles your ex.
So, the question then becomes, how do you find someone who's in it for the long haul? That's where a checklist can help. While dating profiles often highlight superficial traits or hobbies, people often overlook what truly matters — their non-negotiables.
By setting clear boundaries and refusing to settle for less than you deserve, you can save yourself and your partner-to-be a lot of heartache. Here are three such non-negotiables you should consider giving the top spot in your dating checklist.
1. They Can Talk About Their Feelings
When you find someone you are interested in, the first question you should ask yourself is, 'Are they emotionally available for me?' You don't necessarily need someone who's texting constantly or replying in a heartbeat, but someone who's there when it matters.
When you share something meaningful with them, for example, a promotion at work or one good thing that happened in your day, how do they respond? Is it met with enthusiasm and curiosity, or with curt, bland or dismissive replies?
Emotional availability often reflects the level of investment and commitment someone has in you and a potential future together. A 2015 review on emotional availability published in Frontiers in Psychology defined it as 'the ability of two people to share a healthy emotional connection.'
Expanding on attachment theory in parent-child relationships, researchers found that emotional availability is centered around emotional warmth, sensitivity and responsiveness in everyday interactions.
They measured it across six core areas:
A. Four adult qualities:
B. Two child qualities:
The researchers discovered that a parent's increased emotional availability predicted improved emotional regulation, secure attachment and greater social skills in their children.
Though the study reviewed emotional availability in parent–child dyads, researchers highlight that the principle can be used in all relationships, romantic or otherwise, where the emotional relationship between two people is crucial.
So, look for a partner who offers you warmth, sensitivity and responsiveness while respecting your autonomy. They know how to communicate how they're feeling, and show up authentically and with vulnerability. You don't have to guess their feelings, because they involve you in their inner world.
These traits reflect that they are emotionally available and attuned to you, rather than being consumed by their own emotions, needs or experiences. Such partners are able to self-regulate, while offering you the space and support to do the same.
2. They Share Your Core Values
No amount of love or attraction can overcome differences in core beliefs, like religion, political views, whether you want kids or the kind of life you want for yourself.
Compatibility in relationships means more than having common interests; it's a test of seeing if you're traveling in the same direction or if you're on completely different routes in life.
When you discover you share the same hobbies, the same love for cats and long evening walks, it can feel like a serendipitous match. But if you discover their political ideology is the exact opposite of yours, or that they hold more traditional beliefs while you're more of a spontaneous and free-spirited person, it creates a knot that's hard to untangle and move past.
In a 2023 study published in Personality and Individual Differences, researchers looked at the idea of compatibility — how well two individuals click, not necessarily how attractive each is separately.
The researchers ascertained that individuals liked partners who were like them, particularly in long-term, serious relationships and in aspects such as lifestyle, opinions, morals, family, food, religion and leisure.
Researchers also found that similarity/difference preferences in a partner were linked to one's style of loving. Those who scored high in Eros, a romantic and passionate style of loving, preferred similarity in romanticism, morals, appearance and empathy. Those who scored high in Pragma, a practical love orientation, preferred similarity in lifestyle, family beliefs, diet and intellectual level.
On the other hand, those with an Agape love style, which is giving and altruistic, were more embracing of differences, especially in opinion, social interaction and intellectual style.
These criteria can offer insight into what you need to align with another person on, and clearly, this is unique to you as a person. So, one non-negotiable on your checklist should be, 'Do we agree on things that truly matter to me?'
3. They Can Have Hard Conversations
There will come a time when there are disagreements, misunderstandings or conflicts as you transition into a deeper relationship. These are inevitable, but can be beneficial in learning more about the other person and how the two of you function as a unit.
Does your date get overly defensive, shut down entirely or stretch a disagreement into a week-long emotional rollercoaster? Or do they take initiative to repair, empathize and reconnect with you in the moment?
When your chemistry is peaking with this person, don't forget to consider, 'How will they handle things at the tipping point?' Can they sit in discomfort, communicate through it and work toward resolution? If so, you've found someone who doesn't run at the first sign of uncertainty.
Relationships take effort, and some require a more delicate touch than others. This is precisely why the skill of conflict resolution becomes a relationship dealbreaker for most couples. When both individuals become closed off during conflict, not much is left to save.
When one is constantly reaching out and the other is stonewalling, there is only one doing the emotional labor. A relationship functions only when both individuals are accountable and showing up for the other person, reliably.
A 2024 study, which looked at how individuals — including romantic partners — maneuver conflicts within close relationships, described four major conflict management styles:
Researchers learned that individuals who practice positive problem solving — approaching disagreements openly and constructively — have longer and more satisfying relationships.
On the other hand, negative strategies such as conflict engagement, withdrawal or compliance were associated with lower relationship satisfaction and more adjustment problems.
Although every person has their own unique list, keeping these three non-negotiables at the top makes it more likely to find someone who will go the distance with you.
The journey may seem overwhelming, especially if you're having multiple dates, conversations or letdowns, but adhering to a checklist of your deal-breakers will spare you a great deal of heartache later on, while guiding you toward a partner that's truly right for you.
Are you as emotionally intelligent as the partner you're looking for? Take the science-backed Emotional Quotient Inventory to find out.
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Forbes
01-07-2025
- Forbes
3 Dating Checklist Essentials To Find Love, Backed By A Psychologist
The safest way to avoid falling for the wrong person is to define your non-negotiables early in the ... More dating phase. To many, dating today feels harder than it did a decade ago. The influx of countless dating apps in the market and the growing burnout from their use has drained much of the joy from the process. With endless swiping and distorted expectations on both sides, getting even the bare minimum feels rare, especially if you're looking for love and a long-term relationship with the prospect of a future together; not hookups, flings or someone who resembles your ex. So, the question then becomes, how do you find someone who's in it for the long haul? That's where a checklist can help. While dating profiles often highlight superficial traits or hobbies, people often overlook what truly matters — their non-negotiables. By setting clear boundaries and refusing to settle for less than you deserve, you can save yourself and your partner-to-be a lot of heartache. Here are three such non-negotiables you should consider giving the top spot in your dating checklist. 1. They Can Talk About Their Feelings When you find someone you are interested in, the first question you should ask yourself is, 'Are they emotionally available for me?' You don't necessarily need someone who's texting constantly or replying in a heartbeat, but someone who's there when it matters. When you share something meaningful with them, for example, a promotion at work or one good thing that happened in your day, how do they respond? Is it met with enthusiasm and curiosity, or with curt, bland or dismissive replies? Emotional availability often reflects the level of investment and commitment someone has in you and a potential future together. A 2015 review on emotional availability published in Frontiers in Psychology defined it as 'the ability of two people to share a healthy emotional connection.' Expanding on attachment theory in parent-child relationships, researchers found that emotional availability is centered around emotional warmth, sensitivity and responsiveness in everyday interactions. They measured it across six core areas: A. Four adult qualities: B. Two child qualities: The researchers discovered that a parent's increased emotional availability predicted improved emotional regulation, secure attachment and greater social skills in their children. Though the study reviewed emotional availability in parent–child dyads, researchers highlight that the principle can be used in all relationships, romantic or otherwise, where the emotional relationship between two people is crucial. So, look for a partner who offers you warmth, sensitivity and responsiveness while respecting your autonomy. They know how to communicate how they're feeling, and show up authentically and with vulnerability. You don't have to guess their feelings, because they involve you in their inner world. These traits reflect that they are emotionally available and attuned to you, rather than being consumed by their own emotions, needs or experiences. Such partners are able to self-regulate, while offering you the space and support to do the same. 2. They Share Your Core Values No amount of love or attraction can overcome differences in core beliefs, like religion, political views, whether you want kids or the kind of life you want for yourself. Compatibility in relationships means more than having common interests; it's a test of seeing if you're traveling in the same direction or if you're on completely different routes in life. When you discover you share the same hobbies, the same love for cats and long evening walks, it can feel like a serendipitous match. But if you discover their political ideology is the exact opposite of yours, or that they hold more traditional beliefs while you're more of a spontaneous and free-spirited person, it creates a knot that's hard to untangle and move past. In a 2023 study published in Personality and Individual Differences, researchers looked at the idea of compatibility — how well two individuals click, not necessarily how attractive each is separately. The researchers ascertained that individuals liked partners who were like them, particularly in long-term, serious relationships and in aspects such as lifestyle, opinions, morals, family, food, religion and leisure. Researchers also found that similarity/difference preferences in a partner were linked to one's style of loving. Those who scored high in Eros, a romantic and passionate style of loving, preferred similarity in romanticism, morals, appearance and empathy. Those who scored high in Pragma, a practical love orientation, preferred similarity in lifestyle, family beliefs, diet and intellectual level. On the other hand, those with an Agape love style, which is giving and altruistic, were more embracing of differences, especially in opinion, social interaction and intellectual style. These criteria can offer insight into what you need to align with another person on, and clearly, this is unique to you as a person. So, one non-negotiable on your checklist should be, 'Do we agree on things that truly matter to me?' 3. They Can Have Hard Conversations There will come a time when there are disagreements, misunderstandings or conflicts as you transition into a deeper relationship. These are inevitable, but can be beneficial in learning more about the other person and how the two of you function as a unit. Does your date get overly defensive, shut down entirely or stretch a disagreement into a week-long emotional rollercoaster? Or do they take initiative to repair, empathize and reconnect with you in the moment? When your chemistry is peaking with this person, don't forget to consider, 'How will they handle things at the tipping point?' Can they sit in discomfort, communicate through it and work toward resolution? If so, you've found someone who doesn't run at the first sign of uncertainty. Relationships take effort, and some require a more delicate touch than others. This is precisely why the skill of conflict resolution becomes a relationship dealbreaker for most couples. When both individuals become closed off during conflict, not much is left to save. When one is constantly reaching out and the other is stonewalling, there is only one doing the emotional labor. A relationship functions only when both individuals are accountable and showing up for the other person, reliably. A 2024 study, which looked at how individuals — including romantic partners — maneuver conflicts within close relationships, described four major conflict management styles: Researchers learned that individuals who practice positive problem solving — approaching disagreements openly and constructively — have longer and more satisfying relationships. On the other hand, negative strategies such as conflict engagement, withdrawal or compliance were associated with lower relationship satisfaction and more adjustment problems. Although every person has their own unique list, keeping these three non-negotiables at the top makes it more likely to find someone who will go the distance with you. The journey may seem overwhelming, especially if you're having multiple dates, conversations or letdowns, but adhering to a checklist of your deal-breakers will spare you a great deal of heartache later on, while guiding you toward a partner that's truly right for you. Are you as emotionally intelligent as the partner you're looking for? Take the science-backed Emotional Quotient Inventory to find out.
Yahoo
04-06-2025
- Yahoo
Prehistoric humans may have used fire to smoke meat one million years ago, study suggests
Over time, as the availability of large game declined, humans had to adapt to hunting smaller animals and using fire more consistently. A groundbreaking study by researchers at Tel Aviv University suggests that early humans may have started using fire for a surprising reason: to smoke and preserve meat. According to the study, which was published in Frontiers in Nutrition, this practice could date back as far as one million years. The research, led by Dr. Miki Ben-Dor and Professor Ran Barkai of the university's Department of Archaeology and Ancient Near Eastern Cultures, challenges the long-held assumption that early humans initially used fire primarily for cooking. Instead, the researchers argue that fire served two essential purposes for our ancient ancestors: first, to protect large game from predators and scavengers, and second, to prevent meat from spoiling by smoking and drying it, thus extending its shelf life. 'Fire was a precious resource for early humans, requiring significant effort to gather fuel, ignite, and maintain,' said Dr. Ben-Dor. 'They wouldn't have invested that effort without a strong, energy-efficient reason. Smoking meat was a way to preserve their most important source of calories.' The study focuses on sites dating from 1.8 million to 800,000 years ago, where evidence of fire use has been found. Researchers reviewed nine such sites worldwide, including two in Israel - Gesher Benot Ya'aqov and Evron Quarry -six in Africa, and one in Spain. Intriguingly, all of these sites also contained the remains of large animals such as elephants, hippos, and rhinoceroses, creatures that would have provided a rich and vital source of nutrition for early humans. 'The meat and fat from a single elephant could feed a group of 20 to 30 people for over a month,' explained Prof. Barkai. 'That's an enormous amount of food that needed protection not just from other predators, but also from spoilage.' The study fits into a larger theory developed by Ben-Dor and Barkai that connects many prehistoric phenomena, such as tool use and hunting strategies, to early humans' reliance on large animals for survival. Over time, as the availability of large game declined, humans had to adapt to hunting smaller animals and using fire more consistently. 'Once fire was used to protect and preserve meat, it likely also provided opportunities to cook meat,' Barkai added. 'Cooking could have emerged as a byproduct of this initial use, at no extra energetic cost.' The findings provide a fresh perspective on a question that has long fascinated archaeologists: why did early humans first harness fire? The answer, according to this new research, may lie in the simple need to make the most of a hard-won meal.
Yahoo
29-05-2025
- Yahoo
If You've Never Had A Close Friend, You'll Relate To These Emotions
There's a quiet ache of never having that 'person'—the one who knows your inside jokes, your coffee order, the name of your childhood pet. If you've never had a close friend, you know how it feels to float through life like an outsider, wondering if you're missing some secret ingredient everyone else just… has. These aren't just minor annoyances—they're deep, unsettling reminders of how isolating life can feel when you've never had a real, ride-or-die friend. If any of these 13 struggles resonate, you're not alone—there are more of us out here than you think. You've been there—invited to the group hangout, but always slightly on the edge. As explained by New View Advice in their episode "Why am I Triggered by Being a Third Wheel?", feeling like a third wheel can trigger deep feelings of sadness, jealousy, and not being enough, especially when you struggle with the insecurity of not belonging or fitting in Over time, that outsider feeling becomes a quiet, heavy ache. It's not loud enough to explain to anyone, but it leaves you wondering if you'll ever have that effortless, seen-and-loved kind of connection that others seem to have by default. When something goes wrong—your car breaks down, you get bad news, or you just need to vent—you freeze. There's no go-to person, no 'drop everything and be there' friend in your life. So you sit with the chaos alone, scrolling through your contacts, realizing you can't think of a single name to call without it feeling weird. It's a sharp, isolating moment that makes you question whether you're doing life wrong. You don't just feel lonely—you feel untethered, like everyone else has a safety net and you're free-falling alone. People talk about 'the group chat' like it's this sacred space of memes, support, and endless banter—but you wouldn't know. According to a study published in Frontiers in Psychology, social exclusion—including being ignored or left out of group interactions like group texts—can significantly impact individuals' sense of belonging and meaning in life, making those excluded feel like outsiders who struggle to explain their experience to others That absence can feel like a silent exclusion, a reminder that you're on the outside looking in. And the worst part? You can't even explain that to anyone, because who would you even tell? When you do try to build a connection, you overthink every text, every comment, every like. Did you come on too strong? Did you say something weird? Should you have waited longer to reply? The self-doubt spirals until you end up pulling back, just in case. The fear of being 'too much' is rooted in the belief that people will leave if they see the real you. So you shrink, stay small, and tell yourself it's safer this way—even though it's also unbearably lonely. At parties or gatherings, you try to join conversations, but it feels like no one notices you. People smile politely, but no one lights up when you walk into the room. You feel like background noise—pleasant enough, but never the person they can't wait to talk to. It's a subtle, aching kind of invisibility. Research from neuroscientists at Sweden's Karolinska Institutet found that the perception of having an invisible body can reduce social anxiety and the stress of being the center of attention, suggesting that feeling invisible affects how we process social cues and anxiety. Small talk feels like an endless loop you can't escape. You want to get deeper—to talk about real fears, dreams, and the messy, complicated stuff—but those conversations never seem to happen for you. It feels like everyone else has their person to confide in, and you're stuck in surface-level connections. That longing for depth leaves you feeling like there's a whole part of you that no one ever gets to see. It's like you're living in grayscale while everyone else is in full color. You tell yourself maybe you're too quiet, too weird, too intense. Maybe you missed some social milestone or didn't learn the friendship playbook. You start to believe that if you were friend material, you'd have a bestie by now—and that belief eats away at your confidence. As noted by Walden University, research shows that factors like introversion, shyness, fear of rejection, and lack of trust can hold people back from making new friends. The difficulty isn't about being broken but about overcoming internal obstacles and understanding that friendships take time and effort to develop, sometimes requiring 120 to 160 hours of shared time to move from casual acquaintances to close friends. Scrolling through photos of people laughing together, traveling together, showing up for each other—it stings. You tell yourself not to be bitter, but there's a part of you that aches for what you've never had. And then the guilt creeps in: Why can't you just be happy for them? It's a double-edged pain—longing for connection while also feeling ashamed for wanting it so badly. And that shame? It keeps you stuck in a loop of isolation. When someone does show interest in you, it's hard to trust it. You wonder if they like you, or if they're just being polite. You question their intentions, waiting for the other shoe to drop—because deep down, you don't believe you're someone people stick around for. That mistrust makes it hard to relax into potential friendships. You self-sabotage without even realizing it, keeping people at arm's length even as you crave closeness. Without a close friend, you learn to handle everything on your own—your emotions, your logistics, your struggles. You pride yourself on being 'low-maintenance,' but the truth is, you don't have a choice. There's no one to lean on, so you carry it all yourself. This independence can look like strength, but underneath, it's a quiet exhaustion. You're not choosing self-sufficiency—it's a survival mechanism. When you've never had a close friend, opening up feels like exposing yourself to rejection. Vulnerability isn't just scary—it feels dangerous. So you keep conversations light, deflect with humor, or act like you're fine, even when you're not. But that armor comes at a cost. It keeps you safe, but it also keeps you lonely, trapped in the very isolation you wish you could escape. You're so used to figuring it out on your own that asking for help feels like admitting failure. You don't want to be a burden, so you tell yourself it's easier to just handle it—even when you're drowning. This reluctance isn't just about pride—it's about not having anyone who feels like a safe, reliable landing place. And that absence is a quiet heartbreak all its own. There are moments—late at night, scrolling through social media, or sitting quietly at a café—when the loneliness hits you hard. You wonder if this is just who you are, if some people just… don't get to have that kind of closeness. It's a thought that makes your chest ache in a way you can't explain. But here's the truth: it's not too late. The story isn't over. You're not destined to be alone forever, and the first step is giving yourself grace for how much this hurts.