I was virgin before university but ended up sleeping with five different guys since… I feel disgusted
I used to have a boyfriend when I was living at home, but my parents are very strict and religious and frown on sex before marriage.
They rarely let me and my boyfriend out of their sight.
I'm an 18-year-old girl. When I applied for university my parents insisted I had to live in halls as they thought it would be safer than a house but they don't know the halls I'm in are mixed.
On my first night I went to the student bar and ended up drinking far too much and going back to one guy's room and having sex with him.
I felt guilty but managed to get over it. I had sex with him a few more times but he stressed it was just for fun.
Although I really liked him, I acted as if I was happy with that.
He would come to my room late at night and let himself in, then return to his room afterwards. I don't see him now as he has changed course.
I started seeing another student but he was controlling. He reminded me of my parents so I dumped him.
There was another one after him but we weren't compatible.
Then I've had a couple of one-night stands that haven't gone anywhere.
At the weekend I bumped into the first guy in a bar.
Dear Deidre on relationships, jealousy and envy
I told myself I wasn't going to have sex with him but we ended up in my bed.
I feel disgusted with my behaviour. I have gone from having no sex to doing it just for fun. I'm so confused.
DEIDRE SAYS: Casual sex risks both your emotional and sexual health but don't beat yourself up.
You grew up without being given a chance to develop a sense of responsibility to decide on healthy boundaries for your sexual behaviour.
You're giving off vibes that you're up for a casual fling, rather than spelling out what you really want.
No-strings sex is unlikely to lead to a relationship.
The good news is you can do something about this. Set your boundaries firmly.
Only have sex with men who are as open as you are to the possibility of it leading to a relationship.
Drinking too much alcohol is seriously affecting your judgment so keep your boozing in check.
I'M FED UP OF MOVING HOME AS HE BUILDS HIS CAREER
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM sick of following my husband and his job around the country. Is it time for me to break free and move to another area?
My husband works in construction and he likes to be near his work. He's currently involved in building a huge estate a few miles from where we live as part of the Government's new housing plan.
It's been going on for three years, with shops and schools all in the mix, and my husband is part of different phases.
We are both 52 and I've had enough. The area we live in isn't great. Nobody goes out at night because it's not safe.
My husband loves his job and simply says it is paying the bills so I need to get on with it. I would love to develop my own career but because we move so often I can only offer cleaning or waitressing.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you don't have to work then it is easier to stay where one of you is working but is there no room for compromise?
Find a moment to talk to your husband about moving further away from his work to somewhere still accessible but a nicer environment to live in.
Could he use public transport or even car-share to the site to take some of the strain off a longer commute?
If you can't agree, then see tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975) who will be able to help you find a compromise through couple's counselling.
DEAR DEIDRE: MY mother's house is absolutely filthy and I've come to realise that she doesn't keep herself clean either.
While my wife and I were renovating our really old property, we spent six weeks living with her, along with our two children.
My brothers and I have all lived with her at some stage, and the house is always messy. We've had discussions and jokes about having to clean up when we go.
This time it was worse. The house was piled up with old newspapers and things she had bought but never used.
Mum smells musty too and there are rooms you can't even enter because of everything that's piled up.
My dad died 15 years ago. I'm 31 and I have realised that things started to get bad when she was grieving him.
DEIDRE SAYS: When people start to let their personal hygiene slip, it is often a sign of depression.
You must talk to her. If she's feeling overwhelmed with the property, arrange a clean-up with your brothers.
Ask if she has spoken to her doctor about this or whether she would consider bereavement counselling.
Check out Cruse Bereavement Care (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677).
You can find more advice through hoardinguk.org, which helps anyone affected by a hoarder or hoards themselves.
SHE THINKS ONCE A WEEK IS PLENTY
DEAR DEIDRE: IF I didn't initiate sex, my wife and I would be living like housemates. I'm fed up with always being the one to suggest it and feeling like a sexual predator.
I've no interest in cheating on her. I love her and she is my world, aside from my three kids who are pretty special, too.
We have busy lives with the children's activities, cooking and cleaning, but we both work at it. My wife is 41 and I'm 45.
We both have good jobs and sometimes work from home.
With our companies both relaxing the rules on being in the office, I thought it would be our opportunity to get physically intimate during the day sometimes when the kids were at school.
My wife sees it differently. She thinks sex once a week is enough, so if we've done it one evening, then I worry about asking her again.
She's always got the excuse that she is tired or the kids will hear if we do it at bed time.
I think we have lots of time when we are alone so why not take advantage and have sex three or four times a week? My wife doesn't agree.
DEIDRE SAYS: A good sex life is more about quality than quantity and a good relationship is making sure that you both compromise if there's something you don't agree on.
Rather than letting this fester, find a moment when you're not going to bed and ask if you can talk to her.
Explain that you feel unhappy with the way things are right now and ask what you can do so she commits to sometimes initiating sex.
Having a date night once a week, when there are no distractions like phones, can help. She might feel like sex afterwards.
'Diarising' intimacy often helps couples to make time to ensure that connection. My support pack Different Sex Drives will also help.
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The Guardian
an hour ago
- The Guardian
In Ukraine's bombed out reservoir a huge forest has grown – is it a return to life or a toxic timebomb?
At the southern tip of Europe's largest river island, the ground falls away into a vast and unexpected vista. From a high, rocky ledge on Khortytsia Island, the view opens on to a sea of swaying young willows and mirrored lagoons. Some of the trees are already many metres tall, but this is a young forest. Just a few years ago, all of it was under water. 'This is Velykyi Luh – the Great Meadow,' says Valeriy Babko, a retired history teacher and army veteran, standing on the former reservoir shoreline at Malokaterynivka village. For him, this extraordinary new-old environment represents more than nature alone. 'It is an ancient, mythic terrain, woven through Ukrainian folklore,' he says. 'Think of all those Cossacks galloping through its valleys of forests so dense the sun barely pierced them.' That historic landscape vanished in 1956, when the Soviet Union completed the Kakhovka dam and hydroelectric power plant and flooded the entire region. What had once been an ecological and cultural cradle became a reservoir, and its rich, living systems were entombed beneath the water. Water flows over the collapsed Kakhovka dam on 7 June 2023. Photograph: AP Then, in 2023, that water was unleashed as weapon: the Nova Kakhovka dam on the Dnipro River, under the control of Russian forces, was blown up (Russia denies bombing it). It sent a vast, destructive flood of water and sediment downstream, destroying villages and killing an unknown number of people; figures for the death toll range from a few dozen into the hundreds. Up to one million people lost access to drinking water. Two years on from the disaster, the reservoir's future still hangs in the balance. Scientists say it represents both a 'return to life' for the ecosystem and wild creatures that inhabit it – and an unpredictable, potentially toxic 'timebomb'. It is a case study in the complexity of how nature responds to vast changes wrought by humankind – and what happens to ecosystems in the wake of disaster. In the immediate aftermath of the bombing, Kakhovka reservoir resembled a desert of drying mud and cracked silt. Now, plants grow so thickly you must scythe through the vegetation covering the earth embankment before the basin comes fully into view. The bone-dry former shoreline is studded with husks and shells of aquatic organisms that once lived here. Beyond it, a vast sea of young trees stretches over the horizon towards the occupied Zaporizhzhia nuclear power station. The size of it is difficult to take in: the reservoir's surface area was 2,155 sq km (832 sq miles) – bigger than New York City and its five boroughs. The latest report from the Ukrainian War Environmental Consequences Work Group (UWEC) confirms what satellite images, ecologists and field researchers began to observe over the past two years: the ecosystem of the lower Dnipro is not only recovering, it is evolving. The drained reservoir is now home to dense growths of willow and poplar and enormous wetlands; endangered sturgeon have returned to waterways; wild boar and mammals to the forests; and there are signs of spontaneous regeneration across a huge stretch of floodplain. 'We are witnessing the emergence of a massive natural floodplain forest system,' says Oleksiy Vasyliuk, co-author of a 2025 report on the reservoir for the UWEC and head of the Ukrainian Nature Conservation Group. 'It is not a managed project. It is the land itself returning to life.' Instead of an artificial lake on their doorsteps, Malokaterynivka residents have a new forest landscape to contend with. Photograph: Vincent Mundy That return is increasingly measurable for ecologists. 'Native fauna are returning to the section of the river freed from the dam and reservoir,' the report confirms. 'As well as a rapid expansion of native vegetation, as many as 40bn tree seeds have sprouted, which could lead to the formation of the largest floodplain forest in Ukraine's steppe zone.'According to Eugene Simonov, international coordinator at Rivers without Boundaries, what is unfolding in Velykyi Luh is not just a local wetland rebound, it is the rare and spontaneous reconstitution of a vast riverine ecosystem, with implications that stretch far beyond Ukraine. 'Prior to the dam, the Dnipro floodplain here hosted huge oak forests and many types of wetlands over thousands of square kilometers, creating a mosaic of biodiversity-rich habitats for hundreds of bird species and gigantic fish such as the Ukrainian sturgeon, which used to come here to spawn,' Simonov says. Clockwise from top left: Critically endangered sturgeon are returning to their ancient spawning grounds; billions of freshwater clams died when the reservoir emptied; young sturgeon at a caviar aquaculture facility – a small wild population is now found in the Dnipro; the fountains in Dubovy Gai (Oak Park), which will not work again now the water supply has dried up, says Valeriy Babko, pictured; the floodplain is littered with the remains of aquatic organisms. Photographs: Vincent Mundy The Great Meadow, he says, also represents an opportunity for Ukraine as it seeks to attract global funds for postwar recovery and join the EU. 'Restoring natural freshwater ecosystems along a 250-km stretch of the lower Dnipro could be the largest project of its kind in Europe and has the potential to become Ukraine's decisive contribution to meeting EU commitments to restore rivers to their natural state by 2030,' he says. Yet, as scientists are quick to emphasise, this recovery is not guaranteed. Much of the former reservoir remains inaccessible due to active shelling and mined terrain. Comprehensive biological monitoring is difficult. Heavy metals and chemical contamination are a growing concern for researchers. And the future of the area remains politically uncertain. Clockwise from top left: trees sprout from the basin of the former reservoir; Vadym Maniuk, ecologist, surveys the dense growth; white willows and black poplars have grown rapidly, turning the area into forest; some of the trees have already grown many metres tall. Photographs: Vincent Mundy and Alessio Mamo While the reservoir forest looks like an oasis, sprung up in the absence of people, it is still marked by the residue of human enterprise. Over time, the banks of the reservoir eroded. Their fine particles of dust sank into a thick layer at the basin's floor. At the same time, pollutants were entering the water – particularly heavy metals from industrial enterprises along and upstream of the reservoir. Oleksandra Shumilova, a freshwater ecologist, says: 'All these pollutants were absorbed into these fine particles that were deposited on the bottom.' The sediment acted 'like an enormous sponge that was accumulated on the bottom of this reservoir. We estimate that it was about 1.5 cubic km of polluted sediments'. The industrial chimneys of Zaporizhzhia tower over the ancient Scythian burial monuments of Khortytsia island. Photograph: Vincent Mundy When the dam was drained it sent an enormous quantity of polluted, potentially toxic waste flowing into the wider area. Its heavy metals could easily contaminate water sources, soil, and be taken up by plants. Even in small concentrations, they can 'have negative effects on various systems of human organisms; for example, they can cause cancer, endocrine disruptions, problems with lungs, with kidneys,' Shumilova says. She compares their effects to radiation: as those toxins move up the food chain, they can concentrate, causing particular problems for bigger animals and meat eaters. 'As for how these pollutants are also transferred within the food web, it's not known. It is not possible to investigate at the moment, because it's dangerous to enter the area. There is no systematic research,' she says. With the Dnipro River's water table permanently altered, the artificially fed ponds in Dubovy Gai are expected to be fully dried out by the end of the summer. Photograph: Vincent Mundy A 2025 report co-authored by Shumilova and published in the journal Science concluded that the pollutants represented a 'toxic timebomb', and warned of significant concerns for animal food webs and human populations living in the area. But, as in other environments – such as the site of the Chornobyl nuclear disaster – contamination and natural regeneration can occur side by side. In the same paper, the scientists concluded that within five years, 80% of the ecosystem functions lost to the dam's presence will be restored and that the floodplain's biodiversity would recover significantly within two years. The UWEC report frames this moment as a strategic turning point for Ukraine's environmental and cultural policy. If left to regenerate, the site could become one of Europe's largest contiguous freshwater ecosystems, rivalling even the Danube delta in ecological importance. But the emerging forest at Kakhovka could disappear as quickly as it emerged. 'If the hydropower dam is rebuilt,' Vasyliuk warns, 'this young forest and all the life it now sustains will be lost again.' The state energy company Ukrhydroenergo has already signalled its intention to reconstruct the Kakhovka hydroelectric power plant. For some officials, this represents a return to 'normality': a reinstatement of industrial productivity, energy security and geopolitical control. 'Rebuilding the dam the way it was would not be a recovery,' says Vasyliuk, 'it would be an ecocide. It would destroy a young, spontaneous forest before we even have a chance to understand it.' The decision holds significance beyond Ukraine's borders. Roughly 80% of the territory affected by the reservoir's collapse lies within nationally and internationally protected zones, many of them part of Europe's Emerald Network, placing the fate of Velykyi Luh within a larger continental mandate to safeguard ecological and cultural heritage. People fish in the river, which dropped by several metres after the dam was destroyed. Photograph: Vincent Mundy From a climate perspective, the newly forming ecosystem offers significant potential for carbon capture and storage, the 2025 UWEC report concludes. 'This is an opportunity we cannot afford to miss,' says Simonov. 'If Ukraine chooses to protect Velykyi Luh, it won't just be saving a landscape, it will be choosing to believe in its own future.' Vasyliuk adds: 'This is our biocultural sovereignty at stake and that means our nature, our identity, our independence, and a symbol of the kind of nation we want to become.' Across the lower Dnipro, warblers nest in reeds where water once lapped against concrete and sturgeon spawn in shallows they haven't visited in 70 years. The new wetland echoes an ancient rhythm. 'What will happen with this area? We cannot predict at the moment with full confidence, but it's true that it is reestablishing very rapidly,' says Shumilova. 'From a human point of view it was, of course, a disaster for people living there. But from a scientific point of view, it's a very rare event: how an ecosystem [can be] re-established. It is a big natural experiment. And it is still ongoing.' Beyond the riprap (rocks placed at the shoreline to control erosion) of the former reservoir the new forest emerges. Photograph: Vincent Mundy Additional reporting by Tess McClure This article was amended on 22 July 2025. An earlier version mistakenly attributed a quote on biological sovereignty to Eugene Simonov instead of Oleksiy Vasyliuk. Also, Oleksandra Shumilova referred to the 'various systems' of human organisms, not 'virus systems' as stated owing to a mis-transcription. Find more age of extinction coverage here, and follow the biodiversity reporters Phoebe Weston and Patrick Greenfield in the Guardian app for more nature coverage
Times
4 hours ago
- Times
Solved: riddle of the shipwreck that emerged from island sands
On a cold bright February morning last year, in the still that follows a winter storm, the people of Sanday discovered the timbers of a boat on one of their sweeping beaches. There is nothing unusual about wrecks in this northern outpost of the Orkney Islands, on the edge of the treacherous gap between the Atlantic Ocean and the North Sea. But this ship was clearly very old, its hull held together with wooden pegs rather than nails. It was so old that even specialist archaeologists were not confident they would ever find out what it was. Until the timbers told their own story. A detailed dendrochronological study has revealed the vessel was made with oaks grown in the south of England and felled in the middle of the 18th century. Now, after more than a year of painstaking research, archaeologists and historians have solved the mystery of the Sanday wreck and revealed it is a Royal Navy frigate called HMS Hind, which sank in 1788. 'There was always a hope,' Ben Saunders of Wessex Archaeology said, when asked if he thought he would ever find out what exactly had emerged from the sands of Sanday. 'But we've been very, very lucky with this. We started out with the list of wrecks, which had been collated through various researches over the years. On Sanday alone that is 270, a colossal number.' The wood, Saunders explained, was key. Many ships in the early modern period were built with timber harvested from the great forests of Poland and the Baltic. That kind of vessel would have been almost impossible to trace. Rarer English oak was another story. Historians scouring records eventually realised the Sanday wreck must be the Hind. And this was a ship with an incredible history of her own. The 24-gunner fought at Louisbourg and Quebec in the Seven Years War with France before helping the British Empire try, unsuccessfully, to quell rebellion in its American colonies. Old and obsolete, the Hind was eventually sold and converted to a 500-ton Arctic whaler, feeding fast-industrialising Britain's almost insatiable demand for oil. Renamed the Earl of Chatham, it was on an Arctic journey, under a new skipper, a Captain Paterson, when it wrecked off Sanday in March 1788. Its entire 56-man crew was saved. The accident even made the pages of The Aberdeen Journal, a predecessor of today's Press and Journal, the following month. The paper called Sanday 'the cradle of shipwrecks in Scotland'. Saunders and his team, supported by Historic Environment Scotland and Sanday and wider Orkney volunteers, also dug into the written history of the Northern Isles and their astonishing kindness to mariners thrown on to their shores. He said: 'Throughout this project, we have learnt so much about the wreck, but also about the community in Sanday in the 1780s. Sanday was infamous for shipwrecks at the time, called 'the cradle of shipwrecks in Scotland', but the community was equally well known for its hospitality as it looked after sailors who fell afoul of the area's stormy seas.' Sanday over the years has snared Danish and Swedish East Indiamen, Dutch warships, emigrant ships headed from Germany for a new life in America and dozens of smaller trading vessels. Islanders had speculated that last year's wreck might have been a vessel from the Spanish Armada as it scattered north after skirmishing with the English in 1588. Local lore has long claimed any islanders with dark hair or olive skin must be descended from one of Philip II's would-be invaders of England. Deep in the files of the Statistical Accounts of Scotland, which began in the late 18th century, a Northern Isles minister called William Clouston boasted of the way his parishioners handled wrecks. In impeccable English, he said one captain from Danzig (modern-day Gdansk) who had lost his ship in Orkney in 1774 had declared that 'if he was to be wrecked he would wish it to be on Sanday'. Saunders believed the Orcadian cleric was contrasting the hospitality of his community with a myth of Cornish 'wreckers', but the archaeologist added: 'I spent a lot of time in Sanday over the last year. It's a very hospitable place, it's very kind. They've been very, very welcoming to me. And I massively appreciate all the work they've done on the project as well.' The archaeologist may have to return. Climate change is hitting hard in Sanday and some of the other low-lying north isles of Orkney. Experts expect more wrecks to be exposed as storms move the islands' sands. The Hind, meanwhile, has been preserved. Its timbers are in a freshwater tank at Sanday Heritage Centre.
The Guardian
5 hours ago
- The Guardian
200,000 eggs cracked and counting - the Guardian celebrates one year of the Feast app
To celebrate one year of the Feast app, the Guardian has compiled some of the best stats that reveal how users have been cooking their way through its delicious recipe collection. Over the last year alone, Feast app users have rustled up recipes with almost 200,000 eggs, 43,000 aubergines (eggplants), and an incredible 12 tonnes of flour, as they set about exploring the 6,000 plus carefully curated recipes now available in the app from 150 chefs (with those stats growing every day). Built on decades of the Guardian's well-loved food journalism, there's a fresh collection of seasonal and trending dishes to discover each day, tailored to suit all moods and occasions. It features both brand new recipes, as well as favourites from the Guardian's rich 30,000 archive. Loved worldwide, the top cooked recipe per country includes: UK and Australia: Tomato and aubergine one-pot baked pasta Germany: Perfect pasta primavera Greece: Perfect chicken pie Mexico: Peanut butter ramen Netherlands: Lebanese moussaka with five-garlic-clove sauce Singapore: Sausage ragu lasagne South Africa: Adas bil hamoud (sour lentil soup) Taiwan: Banana upside down bread USA: Spiced roast carrots with feta, dates, bulgur and beans Top recipes being cooked in the UK this summer All-time favourite chopped salad with honey dressing No-cook salad with tomatoes, chickpeas and rose harissa Courgette pappardelle with feta and lemon Dahi murg – yoghurt chicken curry Baked salmon with miso and lime Global cuisines Top searched ingredients searched worldwide include chicken, cauliflower, aubergine, salmon and courgette And the most popular cuisines that users enjoy cooking are Italian, Indian, British, Middle-Eastern and Spanish. The ultimate kitchen companion With around 100 new recipes added each month, it's no surprise that 76% of Feast users turn to the app for cooking inspiration and to explore new cuisines For busy weeknights, 38% rely on Feast to help plan simple, quick and healthy weeknight meals including one-pot dishes and tray bakes. A subscriber only product, Feast is a key part of the Guardian's strategy to increase its digital and global presence. Rated highly in the Apple and Android app stores, Feast's first year has been a hit, earning praise for the broad range of recipes available, acting as a source of inspiration and its ease of use. Coming soon As Feast enters its second year, some exciting new features will further enhance the way people cook and plan meals. One of the most requested features, personalised collections, will soon allow users to organise their favourite recipes within the 'My Feast' tab by theme, cuisine and occasion. Another new feature will help with shopping lists, making life easier by gathering ingredients from multiple recipes into one single digital list for either in-store or online shopping. Tim Lusher, head of food, Guardian News & Media, says: 'I have loved learning how people have been using Feast over the last year. Everyday we are adding new dishes to the app to suit every taste. Whether it's discovering new global cuisines, planning easy weeknight dishes or revisiting Guardian recipe favourites, our aim has always been to inspire confidence and creativity at home and we're just getting started.' Liz Wynn, chief supporter officer, Guardian Media Group, says: 'A truly global product, Feast is a celebration of everything our readers love about the Guardian's food journalism - creativity, diversity and a real passion for cooking. I'm pleased to see that in just one year, the app has become a trusted companion in kitchens around the world. It's a powerful reminder of the impact great content can have, and we're excited to keep evolving the experience for our global community of home cooks.' In the UK alone, the Guardian reaches almost 9m (41%) foodies a month, more than any other quality newsbrand (source: PAMCo H2 2024/ TGI Sept 2024 Multibasing). The Feast app extends from the Guardian's award-winning and influential weekly 24-page Feast magazine. Found in the Guardian print edition every Saturday, each issue is packed with beautiful photography and diverse, delicious recipes. In addition to the Feast app, the Guardian's food-loving audience can also enjoy: Recipes continue to be regularly published on Subscribers to the Feast app will receive a more premium user experience as it's much easier to search, filter, save and customise recipes, alongside new and unique features. Comfort Eating with Grace Dent: a huge success for the Guardian, the hit interview show is now in its tenth series. So far, celebrity guests, including Lulu, Nadiya Hussain, Katie Price and David Baddiel have opened their cupboard doors to reveal their favourite foods. The Guardian's Feast newsletter: foodies can sign-up for a weekly email curated by expert chefs like Itamar Srulovich, Felicity Cloake, Georgina Hayden and Rachel Roddy, featuring the latest recipes and seasonal eating ideas. Interviews to discuss the Feast app are available with Liz Wynn, chief supporter officer. Please contact [ENDS] About Guardian Media Group Guardian Media Group is amongst the world's leading media organisations. Its core business is Guardian News & Media (GNM), publisher of one of the largest English-speaking quality news websites in the world. In the UK, Guardian Media Group publishes the Guardian newspaper six days a week, first published in 1821. Since launching its US and Australian digital editions in 2011 and 2013, respectively, traffic from outside of the UK now represents around two-thirds of the Guardian's total digital audience. The Guardian also has an international digital edition and a new European edition that launched in 2023, with an expanded network of more than 20 European correspondents, editors and reporters.
