Are You the 'Attractive' One? Here's How It Secretly Shapes Your Love Life

Newsweek

2 days ago

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In relationships where one partner is perceived as more conventionally attractive than the other, insecurities, validation struggles, and social perceptions can, at times, complicate things.
Licensed clinical professional counselor Katrina Gelazius and licensed marriage and family therapist Daniel Moultrie both told Newsweek that a perceived imbalance in conventional attractiveness can significantly affect how partners relate to each other and to the outside world. This adds an additional burden to relationships on top of the trials and tribulations that couples face.
While attraction itself is subjective, the influence and emotional consequences of societal beauty standards, the experts said, can be profound. But couples who prioritize mutual respect and communication can overcome those challenges.
"Being in a relationship where one partner is significantly more or less conventionally attractive than the other can introduce challenges," Gelazius told Newsweek. "While attraction is subjective and extends far beyond physical appearance, societal perceptions of beauty can still shape the relationship in meaningful ways."
External Judgment
Illinois-based Gelazius said that a common pressure comes from external scrutiny.
Friends, family, and even strangers may comment on or silently judge perceived differences in appearance, framing it as a mismatch. This type of unsolicited commentary can sow self-doubt and insecurity.
"This can fuel insecurity in the less-conventionally attractive partner, who might question why their partner chose them, while the more-attractive partner could worry that they are only valued for their looks," Gelazius said.
She added that these situations can introduce subtle power dynamics into the relationship, especially when one partner experiences more social privilege as a result of how others perceive their appearance.
Emotional Strain
Moultrie, who practices in California, told Newsweek that such perceived imbalances can trigger deep-seated psychological patterns, especially in people with histories of insecure attachment or past rejection.
"For the less-conventionally attractive partner, internalized beauty standards may cause feelings of inadequacy, low self-worth, or anxiety about being 'good enough,'" Moultrie said. "This can lead to fears of abandonment."
Moultrie added that the more-conventionally attractive partner may face a different kind of pressure—one rooted in guilt, frustration, or the expectation to provide constant reassurance.
"They may feel guilt or frustration if attraction becomes a point of tension or resentment," he said.
These dynamics often bring projection and transference into the relationship, where partners interpret neutral behaviors through the lens of their insecurities.
Moultrie said that the less-attractive partner might project insecurities onto their partner, interpreting neutral behaviors as rejection. Meanwhile, the more-attractive partner may become the recipient of idealization and suspicion.
Subjectivity and Self-Perception
For both experts, the key issue is not an objective difference in attractiveness but rather how each person sees themselves and each other within the framework of cultural norms.
"These dynamics are typically shaped less by actual differences in attractiveness and more by how each partner perceives themselves and each other," Moultrie said.
Attachment styles and self-esteem, often rooted in early life experiences, influence how these perceptions manifest. But they also provide a path for growth.
"In couples therapy, it is common to see that these perceived imbalances can either fracture connection or serve as an opportunity to deepen intimacy," Moultrie said.
Building Stronger Foundations
Gelazius said that open communication can mitigate the negative effects of societal judgments and help couples find stability.
"A strong emotional connection, mutual respect, and shared values can overshadow societal judgments," Gelazius said. "The less-conventionally attractive partner may find reassurance in being loved for their personality, while the more-attractive partner might cherish a relationship where they are valued for more than just their looks."
Stock photo: A young woman walks ahead of partner on beach and looks back while holding hands.
Stock photo: A young woman walks ahead of partner on beach and looks back while holding hands.
Getty Images
She emphasized the importance of discussing insecurities openly, setting boundaries against external opinions, and regularly affirming each other's worth.
Moultrie agreed, stressing that emotional safety and mutual validation are more powerful indicators of a healthy relationship than physical appearance.
"Emotional understanding, respect, and secure attachment styles are stronger predictors of health than physical attractiveness alone," Moultrie said.
Some people have taken to social media to share how they have found dating someone they perceive as more attractive than themselves.
On April 30, Instagram user @notwildlin posted a lighthearted video where he described himself as "punching"—slang for believing one's partner is more attractive in their eyes.
The creator joked about a recent night out when other clubgoers implied his girlfriend was more attractive than him and invited others to share if they also felt they were "punching." The post drew attention for its humor but also opened up a wider discussion among users about how people see themselves within their relationships. Newsweek reached out to @notwildlin for more information.
The conversation reflects a broader awareness of how beauty standards can shape relationships. And while humor might be the entry point for some, therapists said that the underlying emotional truths deserve attention.
"When both partners feel valued, and emotionally safe, disparities in conventional beauty lose their power," Moultrie said.
Have you noticed any red flags that made you end a relationship? Let us know via [e-mail]. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.