Wildlife in times of social media

Indian Express

4 days ago

Cheetah: Forcibly taken out of Africa and brought to India to give blackbuck and chinkara proper exercise. But as yet not allowed to roam free — hence, you don't see them racing down some of our showpiece expressways where people crash their Lamborghinis. Status is somewhat hush-hush after reported deaths of many animals – some say due to homesickness. Billed as the next big thing in wildlife tourism, though hopefully this doesn't mean we will see morons on motorbikes trying to race them.
Indian Wolf: Very rare and extremely maligned as a child-lifter and not to be confused with the kind of wolves that you can find in the Metro or the lobbies of five-star hotels, which are far more numerous and dangerous. The one good thing that Rudyard Kipling did, was to give wolves a big, big 'like' in his book, 'The Jungle Book' (albeit at the cost of the tiger.) Oddly now, the tiger gets all the likes and the wolves are being cancelled, literally and figuratively.
Porcupine: Not the sort of animal you would like to have a honeymoon with and one wonders how they make out during their own honeymoons. Probably responsible for more tigers and leopards turning man-eater than any other creature. No, they don't fire their quills as if from an AK47, but have a turbo-reverse gear and no reverse cameras.
Sloth Bear: Shambling, shaggy and notoriously short-tempered. But you would be too, if you were made to dance on the dusty road for passing buses by means of a rope yanking you through your nostrils and having needles inserted into your gallbladder every now and then. Can take your face off with one swipe of their claws.
Gaur: Massive, ebony dark and seemingly carved of granite, these are the largest cattle in the world. So, of course, they had to be called Indian Bison. In spite of bulk, stand on delicate, slim legs clad in white stockings. These sumo-wrestlers can move fast and have an irritable disposition in spite of their apparently calm demeanour.
Mugger Crocodile: This armour-plated smiley full of teeth, can be found sunbathing on the sandbanks of rivers and coastal areas, and will slip into the water like silent submarines, on spotting you trailing your fingers through the water. A clampdown of those jaws can cut you in half, which is what you probably deserve if you've been using shoes, belts, wallets and bags made of their skins. Very rare at one time, they've been successfully captive-bred, though releasing them back into river waters is posing problematic as villagers don't believe they'd make good neighbours.
Rock Python: This huge, beautifully enamelled snake, as thick as your thigh loves hugging. It will lie in wait, strike in a flash (its kiss can be extremely unpleasant) and then take you into its loving embrace… So loving that when you breathe out, you'll find you cannot breathe in because it is squeezing you tight ('I love you so much, I could eat you!') …and then the black curtain begins to fall. Just as well, because then you are swallowed whole headfirst. Fortunately this treatment is usually reserved for rabbits, deer, wild-boar etc.
Cobra: Worshipped and regularly offered milk (which it cannot drink), the cobra is famous for rearing up off the ground and flaring its hood and weaving from side to side, as the 'been' master plays his been, seemingly in tune with its wailing. Actually the snake is deaf and only following the movements, waiting for the chance to strike and transfuse enough venom to kill an elephant. Again, prefers to reserve this treatment to frogs and rats.
Indian Peafowl: The 'Taj Mahal' of birds and naturally our National Bird. Famous for is fan dance, and the shimmering eyespots on its train, the real miracle with this species is that it is able to take down its fan and soundlessly slip away into the forest, virtually invisibly at the first sign of danger, without tangling up its cloak in thorn-bushes. As good as Dobermans in guarding ability, perched high up will vociferously give tongue if it sees anything suspicious. Has been used to guard prison yards, for this reason and I sometimes wonder what hanky-panky goes on in the cemetery next door, when the several peacocks inhabiting it all start collectively calling at 3 am.
Mongoose: Usually part of a snake 'charmer's' entourage and a must for any Animal Fight Club show. Pitted against (usually defanged) cobras the mongoose can teach cricketers a thing or two about quicksilver reflexes, leaps and dives. Those that are unemployed are turned into paintbrushes.
Palm Squirrel: Uncharitably called a 'rat with a bushy tail' the Indian palm squirrel (five-striped or three-striped), is one of the few valiant little animals that when chased up trees by dogs or even leopards will turn around and give the predator an earful, flicking its tail over its back as it scolds.
Humans: Various subspecies; indigenous forest dwellers making their living off forest produce and by grazing livestock in protected areas (legally or not), poachers by illegal hunting, and most commonly seen: the wildlife tourist. Usually in blabbering groups on elephant back or in Gypsies all belligerently clamouring that they must see a tiger – or else. A subspecies of this is the wildlife photographer, who behaves just like the paparazzi does in the presence of any Bollywood star stepping out of his or her car. The less morally inclined may also destroy the young or homes of rare species to prevent competitors from getting the image.
Rats: See above.