I studied love for 25 years as a Harvard professor, the key to making a relationship last has nothing to do with passion
Arthur Brooks, a social science professor at Harvard has studied the subject of love for over 25 years and found the one thing that keeps couples together.
2
Speaking on The Drive podcast with Peter Attia MD, the pair shared their insight on romantic relationships.
During their chat, the pro explained that the key is finding a partner who you also see as your best friend.
He explained that this bond will remain even if the initial chemistry fizzles out.
Arthur: "One of the most important things for a happy life is a partnership with somebody who will be the last person who you set eyes on as you take your last dying breath, that is really, really important."
"The goal of your marriage is not passion, it's friendship. This is the goal, you must be close friends, ideally best friends, with your spouse.
"I'm going to be with my wife Ester until death do us part, that has to be the juice of the relationship where the love actually makes happiness and love is truly the great secret to happiness."
He said that there are also a couple of indicators that a marriage may end in divorce - including people who feel lonely in their relationship.
The love expert used the example of 'empty nest syndrome' which refers to parents experiencing sadness or distress when their children have grown into adults and moved out of the family home.
Arthur added: "The people who suffer the most from empty nest syndrome is not the empty nest it's the fact that they are with one other bird and they don't really like that bird."
He said that when two people have been together for a long time it can be normal - and even 'advisable' - that their passion levels are not as high as when they were fresh into their relationship.
According to the expert, low intimacy levels are "healthy, normal and actually advisable because it's more sustainable in the long run."
Even those with no intimacy can be found to be happy as they have 'very, very close personal lifelong friends,' instead.
"Here is the key, if you don't have a spouse you need real friends. These are people who know your secrets, take your 2am phone call and that you talk to a lot," he explained.
However, Arthur also said that it is still very important to ensure that you upkeep friendships with others even if you are in a marriage; adding that men are usually worse at keeping in touch with their pals.
Signs your relationship is heading for a divorce
Persistent Communication Breakdowns
Constant misunderstandings, arguments, or a complete lack of meaningful conversation can signal deep-seated issues.
Emotional Distance
Feeling like roommates rather than partners, with a noticeable lack of intimacy or emotional connection.
Frequent Criticism and Contempt
Regularly criticising each other and showing contempt, such as sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mocking, can erode the relationship's foundation.
Unresolved Conflicts
Recurrent arguments about the same issues without any resolution can indicate deeper incompatibilities.
Loss of Trust
Trust is crucial in any relationship. If it's been broken and cannot be rebuilt, it may be a sign that the relationship is in trouble.
Different Life Goals
Significant differences in future aspirations, such as career goals, lifestyle choices, or family planning, can create insurmountable divides.
Avoidance
Preferring to spend time apart rather than together, whether through work, hobbies, or social activities, can indicate a desire to escape the relationship.
Lack of Support
Feeling unsupported, whether emotionally, financially, or practically, can lead to feelings of isolation and resentment.
Financial Disagreements
Constantly arguing about money, spending habits, or financial priorities can strain the relationship.
Infidelity
Whether physical or emotional, infidelity can be a major breach of trust and a sign of deeper issues in the relationship.
Changes in Affection
A noticeable decrease in affection, physical touch, or romantic gestures can indicate a loss of connection.
"That is one of the reasons why men do so poorly when they lose their wives because a lot of them don't have real friendships," he added.
And there was one major red flag your relationship was doomed.
The expert said: "One of the greatest predictors of divorce is partners who are lonely while living together and this [means] that the only thing you have in common is your kids.
"[When] that one point of commonality disappears and you're sitting across the table blinking at each other during dinner and not talking because you literally have nothing to talk about."
To prevent this fate, Arthur said that it is important for married couples to partake in activities together, whether that is reading the same book, playing the same sports or even practicing the same religion to keep their bond strong and allow them to have things in common.
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
The Guardian
7 minutes ago
- The Guardian
Group confronted suspect who stabbed 11 at a Michigan Walmart, video shows
Several passersby helped apprehend a knife-wielding suspect who stabbed 11 people at a Walmart in Michigan, video has revealed. Footage circulating on social media showed several citizens in Traverse City confronting a 42-year old man outside the supermarket on Saturday during the attack. Among the people confronting the suspect included an armed citizen who could be seen pointing his gun at the man. 'Throw it away!' some of the passerby could be heard yelling, with others saying: 'Put it down!' and 'Get on the fucking ground.' One passerby could be seen pushing a shopping cart towards the suspect. Moments later, law enforcement could be seen arriving on scene and arresting the man. Speaking to Channel2Now, Walmart employee Tasha Nash said: 'It was a guy with a knife – people were screaming and running in all directions … I saw someone stabbed in the eye.' Another shopper, Kathryn Ann Clark, told the outlet and her friend's son and another shopper helped confront the suspect. 'It was definitely a stabbing,' Clark said, adding: 'There were no shots fired, just brave people stepping in.' Eleven victims were treated at the nearby Munson Medical Center. On Sunday, the hospital said that there were 'encouraging signs of recovery' among the victims. According to the hospital, seven people are in fair condition and four are in serious condition. There are no longer any patients from the attack who are in critical condition, the hospital added. In a statement released on Sunday, the hospital said: 'Our dedicated team of physicians, surgeons, nurses, clinicians, and support staff remain focused on providing a healing environment for all those affected by this tragic incident … Additionally, we are working on providing additional emotional support for our employees in light of this incident. We extend our continued support to the victims and their families during this very difficult time.' Michigan's governor, Gretchen Whitmer, said that she was aware of the attack, writing on X: 'Our thoughts are with the victims and the community reeling from this brutal act of violence. I am grateful to the first responders for their swift response to apprehend the suspect.'
The Independent
37 minutes ago
- The Independent
Millions of people are suffering from brain fog. A new study will find out why
Millions of people who recover from infections like COVID-19, influenza and glandular fever are affected by long-lasting symptoms. These include chronic fatigue, brain fog, exercise intolerance, dizziness, muscle or joint pain and gut problems. And many of these symptoms worsen after exercise, a phenomenon known as post-exertional malaise. Medically the symptoms are known as myalgic encephalomyelitis or chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS). The World Health Organization classifies this as a post viral fatigue syndrome, and it is recognised by both the WHO and the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention as a brain disorder. Experiencing illness long after contracting an infection is not new, as patients have reported these symptoms for decades. But COVID-19 has amplified the problem worldwide. Nearly half of people with ongoing post-COVID symptoms – a condition known as long-COVID – now meet the criteria for ME/CFS. Since the start of the pandemic in 2020, it is estimated that more than 400 million people have developed long-COVID. To date, no widely accepted and testable mechanism has fully explained the biological processes underlying long-COVID and ME/CFS. Our work offers a new perspective that may help close this gap. Our research group studies blood and the cardiovascular system in inflammatory diseases, as well as post-viral conditions. We focus on coagulation, inflammation and endothelial cells. Endothelial cells make up the inner layer of blood vessels and serve many important functions, like regulating blood clotting, blood vessel dilation and constriction, and inflammation. Our latest review aims to explain how ME/CFS and long-COVID start and progress, and how symptoms show up in the body and its systems. By pinpointing and explaining the underlying disease mechanisms, we can pave the way for better clinical tools to diagnose and treat people living with ME/CFS and long-COVID. What is endothelial senescence? In our review, our international team proposes that certain viruses drive endothelial cells into a half-alive, 'zombie-like' state called cellular senescence. Senescent endothelial cells stop dividing, but continue to release molecules that awaken and confuse the immune system. This prompts the blood to form clots and, at the same time, prevent clot breakdown, which could lead to the constriction of blood vessels and limited blood flow. By placing 'zombie' blood-vessel cells at the centre of these post-viral diseases, our hypothesis weaves together microclots, oxygen debt (the extra oxygen your body needs after strenuous exercise to restore balance), brain-fog, dizziness, gut leakiness (a digestive condition where the intestinal lining allows toxins into the bloodstream) and immune dysfunction into a single, testable narrative. From acute viral infection to 'zombie' vessels Viruses like SARS-CoV-2, Epstein–Barr virus, HHV-6, influenza A, and enteroviruses (a group of viruses that cause a number of infectious illnesses which are usually mild) can all infect endothelial cells. They enable a direct attack on the cells that line the inside of blood vessels. Some of these viruses have been shown to trigger endothelial senescence. Multiple studies show that SARS-CoV-2 (the virus which causes COVID-19 disease) has the ability to induce senescence in a variety of cell types, including endothelial cells. Viral proteins from SARS-CoV-2, for example, sabotage DNA-repair pathways and push the host cell towards a senescent state, while senescent cells in turn become even more susceptible to viral entry. This reciprocity helps explain why different pathogens can result in the same chronic illness. Influenza A, too, has shown the ability to drive endothelial cells into a senescent, zombie-like state. What we think is happening We propose that when blood-vessel cells turn into 'zombies', they pump out substances that make blood thicker and prone to forming tiny clots. These clots slow down circulation, so less oxygen reaches muscles and organs. This is one reason people feel drained. During exercise, the problem worsens. Instead of the vessels relaxing to allow adequate bloodflow, they tighten further. This means that muscles are starved of oxygen and patients experience a crash the day after exercise. In the brain, the same faulty cells let blood flow drop and leak, bringing on brain fog and dizziness. In the gut, they weaken the lining, allowing bits of bacteria to slip into the bloodstream and trigger more inflammation. Because blood vessels reach every corner of the body, even scattered patches of these 'zombie' cells found in the blood vessels can create the mix of symptoms seen in long-COVID and ME/CFS. Immune exhaustion locks in the damage Some parts of the immune system kill senescent cells. They are natural-killer cells, macrophages and complement proteins, which are immune molecules capable of tagging and killing pathogens. But long-COVID and ME/CFS frequently have impaired natural-killer cell function, sluggish macrophages and complement dysfunction. Senescent endothelial cells may also send out a chemical signal to repel immune attack. So the 'zombie cells' actively evade the immune system. This creates a self-sustaining loop of vascular and immune dysfunction, where senescent endothelial cells persist. In a healthy person with an optimally functioning immune system, these senescent endothelial cells will normally be cleared. But there is significant immune dysfunction in ME/CFS and long-COVID, and this may enable the 'zombie cells' to survive and the disease to progress. Where the research goes next There is a registered clinical trial in the US that is investigating senescence in long-COVID. Our consortium is testing new ways to spot signs of ageing in the cells that line our blood vessels. First, we expose healthy endothelial cells in the lab to blood from patients to see whether it pushes the cells into a senescent, or 'zombie,' state. At the same time, we are trialling non‑invasive imaging and fluorescent probes that could one day reveal these ageing cells inside the body. In selected cases, tissue biopsies may later confirm what the scans show. Together, these approaches aim to pinpoint how substances circulating in the blood drive cellular ageing and how that, in turn, fuels disease. Our aim is simple: find these ageing endothelial cells in real patients. Pinpointing them will inform the next round of clinical trials and open the door to therapies that target senescent cells directly, offering a route to healthier blood vessels and, ultimately, lighter disease loads.
Metro
an hour ago
- Metro
Unclench your jaw: Why everyone is grinding their teeth right now — including you
'You've worn your molars right down,' said my dentist, matter-of-factly, as she snapped the latex gloves from her hands. 'I can practically hear your jaw clicking.' I did my best not to feel offended. 'Sorry,' I mumbled, rubbing my aching massester muscles. I'm one of the 8 to 10% of the UK population that grinds their teeth in some way — and I'm betting, you are too. I'm not entirely sure when it started, but these days, I'm all-too-aware that I do it pretty much every night. I've woken myself up one-too-many times by accidentally biting down on my tongue (yes, it really hurts) and when my alarm goes off, I open my eyes with an aching jaw. The habit seeps into my waking hours too. I'll suddenly become aware that my jaw is clenched, as though that's its default position. I once heard (e.g. watched a TikTok video) that the three-finger test is a quick way to asses your jaw mobility. If you can fit three stacked fingers between your upper and lower reeth, you're in the normal range. I can only just about do it. But bruxism, the umbrella term for teeth-grinding or jaw clenching, does more than just make your jaw ache. In fact, it can cause a whole host of issues, from dental problems and headaches, to pain in the face, neck or shoulders, and TMJ disorders. To put it mildly, teeth grinding is no picnic — and it's even more annoying when you consider that you're most likely doing it subconciously. And while the current estimates would suggest that around 6.7 million Brits deal with condition, it seems to be on the rise. Post-pandemic, a USA-based 2021 survey among dentists found that 70% reported an increase in patients grinding and clenching their teeth. More recently, the hashtag #teethgrinding on TikTok has a staggering 262.9 million views, while #unclencyourjaw has 37.7 million. You can even buy tshirts and artwork on Etsy emblazoned with the phrase 'unclench your jaw'. And dentist Dr Sahil Patel, of London's Marylebone Smile Clinic, tells Metro that he's seeing an increasing number of patients displaying signs of bruxism. 'Well developed jaw muscles show as a squarer facial appearance or stronger jawline,' he explains. 'And, on the teeth themselves, bruxism causes accelerated tooth wear and breakage, making teeth look shorter, squarer and yellower. Tooth sensitivity and gum recession can also be a sign.' Why have we become a nation unable to relax our faces? While it's not always clear why people do it, stress and anxiety is a well-observed cause. 'Our patients are absoloutely more stressed than ever,' Dr Sahil says. 'They may not always disclose it to us, but we can sense when someone is stressed. We're seeing it more with younger people.' Mental Health UK's annual Burnout Report, released in January 2025, found that one in three adults either 'always or often' experience high or extreme levels of pressure or stress, while nine in 10 say they've experienced it at some point over the last year. Mind also found that women are more likely than men to experience common mental health problems (20.7% of women compared to 13.2% of men affected), with young women aged 16 to 24 at the highest risk. It's worth nothing that women are also more likely to experience bruxism, particularly when they're awake. Experts are pretty much in agreement that society is increasinly stressful. Chartered psychologist, Dr Manpreet Dhuffar-Pottiwal says we live an era of 'uncertainty and instability'. She tells Metro: 'Political unrest, economic fluctuations, and environmental crises result in an unpredictability which leaves people feeling out of control regarding their futures.' Our 'always-online' culture, particularly experienced by younger generations also doesn't help, as Dr Manpreet says we face 'technological overload.' 'Social media platforms promote curated representations of life, leading us to measure their worth against others. Additionally, urbanisation has contributed to a disconnection from nature. People confined to busy city lives miss out on the calming effects of the natural world.' Workplace pressures have changed too. 'The rise of remote work and gig economies has introduced ambiguity about job security and increased workloads,' says Dr Manpreet. 'Many young employees, striving for stability in uncertain times, experience burnout and chronic stress as they juggle multiple responsibilities. 'Rigid schedules and the lack of work-life balance lead many to neglect self-care practices.' And finally, as ever, the global pandemic plays a part. Dr Manpreet says: 'It heightened health-related anxieties, with individuals increasingly focused on personal safety. 'This ongoing concern can create a cycle of stress that affects various facets of life. 'It's no surprise that there's a growing prevalence of conditions like bruxism.' What are the options for treating jaw clenching? So, aside from taking an indefinite holiday to escape the stressors of daily life, what can we do to relieve all this tension? According to Dr Sahil, your dentist can help. 'We can't manage your stress, but we can do a few things to manage the symptoms,' he says. 'Night guards can cushion the contact between the teeth during the night, or reainers, which are thinner, are designed to keep the teeth in their position and protect from night grinding. 'They come in many different forms and materials, but the ballpark cost for these is between £250 and £500.' Alternatively, nurse prescriber and aesthetic trainer, Natalja Andrejeva, says that Botox is an 'emerging go-to solution' for teeth-grinding. 'Over the past few years, I've seen a noticeable rise in clicents seeking relief from bruxism using Botox, especially post-pandemic,' she tells Metro. 'Botox is injected into the masseter muscles to relax them. This reduces the intensity of clenching and grinding without affecting your ability to chew or speak.' The result? 'Less jaw tension, fewer headaches, and better sleep and quality of life. You'll also get a slightly slimmer jawline,' adds Natalja, founder of Face Code Aesthetic, where she offers the treatment, starting at £290. 'Typically, treatment would be required every three to six months, depending on muscle strength and individual response. 'But over time, some clients find they can space out treatments more as the habit and symptoms lessen.' Of course, the ultimate — and almost impossible solution — is to live a stress-free life. But until then, be safe in the knowledge that you're far from the only one — and don't forget to unclench your jaw. Do you have a story to share?
