Sulking, screaming, fights: welcome to the summer holiday warzone

Times

6 days ago

I have a friend who comedically handles his kids' squabbles with each other like this: minor disputes — 'he got a better bowl', 'she held the remote yesterday' — are referred to the small claims court, which means 'sort it out yourselves'. Slightly more serious stuff, not critical but big enough to descend into familiar, patience-stretching arguing — 'she won't leave my bedroom', 'he has my toy' — goes to the Court of Appeal (him), and the big stuff — full-on shouting matches, maybe some shoving — are sent to the High Court (Mum).
It feels like an innovative concept in the parenting toolkit that serves a valuable function, giving him a coping mechanism and the kids a quick indicator of resolution. But, as my own sons squabbled for the thousandth-or-more time about who sat on the favourite chair at breakfast — and no one heard my references to courts of the land — I wondered how else we can deal with the relentlessness of sibling arguments, big or small, and in the best way for them and for us.
How and when are we really meant to intervene, and are there times when we should just leave them to battle it out? Am I helping if I referee every disagreement (as they often beg me to), or am I hindering their ability to resolve conflict later in life?
Parenting specialist and family therapist Caroline Peeney says: 'Your children are not all clones, they're going to have different hopes, needs and wishes, so conflict is normal.'
Peeney, a mum-of-three and author of The Parenting Toolkit: Simple Steps to Happy and Confident Children, adds: 'Being part of a sibling group can be incredibly helpful — they have to learn to resolve conflict because they live together.'
She suggests four layers to managing disagreements. 'If it's a normal argument, like whose turn it is to load the dishwasher, children can enjoy honing their skills and coming to a victory, negotiating and knowing parents aren't going to get involved. These are the arguments where it might be loud but they're not screaming or hurting each other, they're just working something out.' This is level one and parents can choose to leave well alone.
• How to talk to your children about siblings
The next level is when it's growing out of control. 'That's when you acknowledge feelings,' says Peeney. 'Say we've got a problem, for example you both want to hold the pet but he can't sit on two laps. State it out loud and say 'you're both clever, can you sort it out?'
'If they're getting more cross, make suggestions that help, such as setting a timer [an inarguable referee] to split the time they each have with whatever they're fighting over.'
Level three is teaching them negotiation skills. 'Have each child say what they feel and need to their sibling. One might say, 'I was enjoying playing with the Lego and really need to finish it.' The other might say, 'I really want to play with you and feel upset because you don't want to.' You then say, 'Do you think you can come up with a plan to both get your feelings and needs met?' It sounds tough with little ones but if you start from an early age they can get into this.'
And if they're still screaming at each other? That's level four. 'It can get violent and horrible,' Peeney says. 'So, you say this is no good, you all need to go somewhere to calm down. It can be two minutes but it shows they still have the ability to feel in control.' It also offers kids and parents alike the chance to cool down from the cortisol dump now bubbling from an over-blown squabble, whatever it started over. 'Often it's not even worth returning to — it can be better to offer them a biscuit.'
Learning not to jump in all the time is 'an art', Peeney reminds parents. 'Managing their arguments feels exhausting but it's important. These are templates for future relationships.'
And contrary to that familiar, sometimes undying, refrain of 'it's not fair', the way we parent our children's arguments is not always about treating each child fairly but treating them 'uniquely'.
Dr Emma Svanberg, clinical psychologist and author of Parenting for Humans, agrees. 'Disputes are a normal and necessary part of family life but can be so difficult — and tiring — to deal with.'
So, when thinking about the fairest way to step in, she says: 'It's worth considering each child's development, how intense this particular conflict is and how they're relating to each other generally at that time. Development matters more than age because some children find emotional regulation and conflict more difficult than others, so might need a bit more support and scaffolding from you as a parent.'
She recommends that parents make a quick assessment of whether anyone risks getting hurt, physically or psychologically. 'If not, then dealing with discord [themselves] is a really important part of developing relational skills — learning how to manage conflict, negotiate and repair.' Parents might need to show their children how this is done early on but over time they should be able to step back as the child employs well-honed skills.
• Read more parenting advice, interviews, real-life stories and opinion here
In fact, those wails of 'it's not fair' might actually require a different response altogether, says Svanberg.
'This is a time to take a breath and listen. Why doesn't it feel fair? Sometimes there's a clear reason — someone got a bigger slice of cake — but sometimes these complaints are asking more 'Do you see me? Am I important to you?'' Better than answering with logic, defensiveness or a quick fix solution can be to answer with curiosity. 'Ask 'What doesn't feel fair? Why is that important to you?' Maybe even, 'Yes I can see why that would feel unfair, how shall we handle that next time?' We can teach our children that equity can be more important than absolute parity, while listening open-heartedly to their expressions of injustice.'
Svanberg also encourages parents to grant themselves grace when handling squabbles that don't pan out the way everyone would like — a kind way of acknowledging that sometimes this whole pursuit is a keen test of parents' patience.
'One of the hardest things for us as parents is the feeling that those things our children are so aggrieved about just don't feel important to us, which can make us feel pretty worn out. But the question behind this for our children is 'do you take my needs and concerns seriously?'' This is an important one, not to be minimised, but, says Svanberg: 'Bonus for us as parents is that taking their experience seriously rather than as yet another problem to solve can also make it into a connecting experience.'
Finally, she offers a word of advice for the long summer holidays: 'Take space — as much as you can — for decompression for yourself. Family discord can bring up a lot for us — about our own experiences of being parented, how conflict was handled, differences between us and a co-parent, not to mention the sensory overload of bickering children alongside the stress of the summer holiday juggle.
'It's extremely hard to respond with patience and understanding when you're feeling frazzled. Take time for anything that will help keep you grounded — whether that's a morning run, walk in the sunshine or going outside and screaming at the sky. Do what works for you.'