Dear Dáithí: Am I wasting the whole summer by saving money — not going on holiday or to concerts?

Irish Examiner

a day ago

I'm finding this summer really hard. Every time I go online, I see friends and colleagues off on sunny holidays. They're posting epic selfies with cocktails and sunsets, while I'm here watching the clouds outside my window.
There's also pressure to be out — at barbecues, beer gardens, festivals… like if you're not doing something Instagram-worthy every weekend, you're wasting your summer.
But between the cost of living and trying to save for a house deposit, a trip away is out of the question. I feel like I'm being left behind while everyone else is having the best time.
I'm 29, but I feel like I haven't figured out some secret to life that everyone else seems to know. I know I'm a failure. I even lied in work about having a trip coming up, just so I wouldn't seem pathetic.
How do I stop feeling like this? I want to enjoy what I do have, but right now I just left out. Is anyone else feeling this, or is it just me?
Oh my god, it's like my 29-year-old self just wrote in this week. You sound so much like me when I was that age... the only thing is there was no Instagram there that time — only fellas who never shut their pieholes about all the holidays they went on all year round and there I was buying a new leg for the old kitchen table that came with the home I bought.
But you know what... I still have that table and those people's holidays are long gone. I know it might be harder these days to ignore these people, but believe me, when you're in your new home a year or two sooner than them, you'll be delighted!
If I'm being honest, the only thing you are really wasting is the time you spend looking at what your friends put up on social media, pictures of cocktails and sunsets. Yes, for sure have a look, but don't dwell on it.
And, you know what? You should be happy for them and tell them that. They won't get any satisfaction out of you if you tell them that — sometimes people put up these pictures to make others jealous; but most of the time it's 'look at me, I'm great', so leave them off.
Wait until you post the first picture of your keys to the house, who'll be jealous then! That said, from your letter I don't think you're like that, you're not a show-off.
I know you're saving for a deposit, and the cost of living is taking an effect, but you should put a small amount towards your social life. That is very important too, you need to live a little.
But make whatever you do count. I know people who go to five or six concerts every summer and they can barely tell the nights apart and they spend most of the time on their phones filming 'Instagram-able moments' and not being there in the moment itself.
So go to some event with a few like-minded friends, carpool, and think outside the box to make it more affordable. Tell these friends what you are doing — they might know already. They will definitely understand. And don't mind those show-offs and what they think.
It's very important too that you get it out of your head that you are really missing out, you have to look at this under a real light, I see it as a little bit of pain now and a lot less later. There are two types of pain, the pain of discipline or the pain of regret, the choice is yours!
Another thing you have to get out of your head is this thing that you're a failure. You have your head so screwed on and you should be very proud of that, you're in a good place with that.
We just need to keep these ANTs — automatic negative thoughts — at bay and we do this by challenging them which is what we're doing here.
And when we see the real true picture of what's happening, we move forward. ANTs are these thoughts that come into our heads for no reason at all... we all have them, by the way.
So you lied about a trip to feel normal among your peers and you didn't want to stick out as everyone else was going somewhere. I understand why you did it but the reality here is that you didn't have to do this.
If you explain to people that you're trying to buy a house, they will get it, and I think if the boss was to hear this, he or she would think it a very positive move, as opposed to seeing cocktails-at-dawn-in-Corfu pictures from others.
The bottom line here is that you need to stop beating yourself up about all of this. As you see from my answer, you have so much going for you and you are totally right, you need to start enjoying what you have.
Sometimes we forget all the great things around us because we are so consumed by what others have and are doing and that is a big waste of time and energy.
You ask a great question: If anyone else feels like this. And the answer is yes, of course.
I can imagine all the people saving for a deposit reading this who have the same thoughts going through their heads.
The problem is that social media has amplified all of the others too and it's like someone with a loud speaker is in your ear every day highlighting what everyone else is doing and what you're not. So switch it off as best as you can.
Reality check: You're 29, you have a good head on your shoulders. You're a bit bummed that your friends are 'living their best life', but you will have a house sooner than them and that means too that you'll have it paid off before them too.
Control those ANTs and challenge them to see the real picture and remember the small bit of pain now will be worth it!