'Sokgunghap': Is it wrong to prioritize sex in romantic relationships?
For a long time in South Korea, sexual intimacy was a matter reserved for after marriage, with a strong emphasis on commitment.
But things are changing. Many young people place a greater emphasis on sexual compatibility as an essential component of romance, and sometimes sexual activity even precedes the start of a romantic relationship.
Many traditional views on sex in Korean society stem from Neo-Confucianism, which established distinct standards of sexual morality based on gender and regarded sex solely as a means of procreation.
However, beginning in the late 1990s, the feminist movement and the push for sexual liberation here led to a gradual decline in the influence of these beliefs, resulting in more relaxed attitudes towards premarital sex, according to a Statista report.
A term that encapsulates this shift is "sokgunghap."
"Gunghap" refers to traditional measures of marital compatibility predicted by fortunetellers based on two individuals' birth details, including the year, month, date and time. "Sokgunghap" puts an intimate twist on this traditional outlook, referring to sexual compatibility — whether partners have shared or similar sexual needs, including preferences, turn-ons and desired frequency.
Once a topic reserved for married couples, sokgunghap has now even become a crucial factor for young Koreans in deciding whether to start dating.
This trend was highlighted two years ago by a candid comment from a female Korean singer who emphasized sokgunghap as her top ideal partner condition.
Jamie, a singer born in 1997, appeared on the YouTube channel "Ssulply," hosted by married singer Lee Seok-hoon, born in 1984. When asked what she considered most important in a relationship, Jamie confidently stated, "I think sexual compatibility is the most important thing."
Despite Lee's surprise and his repeated questioning, Jamie reaffirmed, "Sokgunghap. It's important, isn't it?"
Lee, representing the older generation and unfamiliar with such open discussions, could only sip his coffee uncomfortably. This moment highlighted a generation gap, with the younger generation openly prioritizing sex, while the older generation finds such openness unsettling.
Pre-relationship sex
According to a survey conducted by Statista in December 2022, around 57.6 percent of South Koreans now consider premarital sex acceptable, showing a steady increase over the years from just 20.2 percent in 1996.
Additionally, a survey conducted by Statista in 2023 found that 57.6 percent of men and 40.8 percent of women aged 25 to 39 said they would start having sex within the first month of a relationship, although the average was 5.1 months, indicating much longer periods for some.
This survey included 1,000 singles aged 25 to 39 and revealed that, on average, they believed 5.1 months was an appropriate time to begin engaging in sexual activities after entering a relationship.
The emergence of the term "seon-seg-hu-sa," meaning "sex before dating," further illustrates this evolving trend in modern relationships.
Kim, a 32-year-old finance professional living in Seoul, shared her personal experience with this trend.
"I have initiated all my relationships after first becoming physically intimate with my partners," she explained. "Engaging physically helps foster quick intimacy, which seems to deepen the relationship more effectively. I notice that many people around me also engage in 'seon-seg-hu-sa,' suggesting it's becoming quite the norm."
As a result, sex has come to be regarded as one of the most crucial aspects of modern romantic relationships. Dr. Hong Sung-woo, a urologist in Korea and a YouTuber, previously commented on this phenomenon. When asked how important sex is in contemporary romantic relationships, he remarked, "In my view, it accounts for almost 100 percent."
One-night stand
Among the growing number of sokgunghap adherents trend is Lee, a writer in her 30s.
'I prefer to sleep with a guy to see if they could be a perfect match in bed before finally deciding on whether the relationship will progress further or not,' she said.
Lee attributes this approach to her past experiences.
"I was brought up with the belief that women should be chaste and modest, and I internalized the longstanding social notion — rooted in Korea's Confucian values — that delaying sex would lead to healthier, longer-lasting relationships," she explained.
"However, about 10 years ago, after entering a relationship and waiting several months to have intercourse for the first time, I realized that my then-boyfriend and I were not sexually compatible."
This approach, she noted, sometimes led to one-night stands.
"After that experience, I decided to always have sex first and then decide if I wanted to continue dating. As a result, if I wasn't satisfied in bed, it wouldn't lead to a relationship, and I found myself frequently engaging in one-night stands."
Lee is not alone. A survey conducted in 2018 by the matchmaking company Baroyeon revealed that 47.1 percent of 2,113 unmarried men and women had experienced a one-night stand.
Of those individuals, 36.1 percent reported meeting the same partner again. These encounters primarily took place in spontaneous settings such as bars and clubs.
A separate survey in 2018 by the South Korean local media outlet Edaily explored the thoughts and experiences of 380 individuals in their 20s and 30s related to sex.
The survey found that 56.7 percent of one-night stands started in places like bars and clubs, where immediate connections are easy to forge. This was followed by meetings through arranged settings, such as blind dates and social gatherings at 16.7 percent, and online options, including apps, at 10 percent.
When asked why they engaged in one-night stands, 58.9 percent of respondents cited the absence of a partner and the desire to enjoy adult freedoms.
"Young people today tend to avoid engaging in relationships that require a lot of time and effort. Due to challenges such as employment, workplace demands, and economic issues, they themselves do not feel at ease, thus hesitating to form deep connections," said Kwak Keum-joo, a professor of psychology at Seoul National University, offering insights into these statistics.
Although one-night stands have become more prevalent, not everyone is pleased with this trend.
Hwang, a 33-year-old office worker who recently married, expressed his concerns, stating, "Sex is an intimate act that involves sharing one's vulnerabilities and is a token of love. Doing it randomly is concerning and far from ideal. There are also worries about sexually transmitted diseases. In the past, I discovered my ex-girlfriend had a one-night stand before we dated, and it was a deal-breaker for me."
Hwang is not alone in his views. The surfing hotspot of Yangyang in Gangwon Province has acquired the nickname "one-night stand city" in recent years. The area became popular among young surfing enthusiasts seeking fun during the COVID-19 pandemic, but this came with a nightlife culture that included spontaneous meetups.
But as its reputation for hookups grew, tourist numbers fell. According to KT's big data analysis, tourist visits — including international and domestic visitors — to Yangyang fell nearly 6 percent last year.
Local media speculates that the perception of Yangyang as a hub for youth nightlife and casual encounters, especially one-night stands, may have fueled the decline; however, factors such as changing trends and an increase in overseas travel could also have contributed.
This reputation led to negative reputations circulating online forums, with posts titled "Why You Shouldn't Visit Yangyang," and "Avoid Yangyang Post-Visit" gaining traction. The stigma has become so pronounced that travelers now hesitate to share photos from Yangyang on social media, according to local reports.
While the trend is moving toward greater sexual liberation, the backlash that still surrounds things like one-night stands shows that it has yet to become a dominant social norm.
Lee Myung-gil, who has worked for roughly 20 years as a professional dating coach and previously as a manager at the local matchmaking firm Duo, commented: "Over the past few decades, women in our country have become more confident, both sexually and economically. There's no denying that they are cooler and more assertive now. The number of people engaging in 'pre-relational sex' is on the rise; however, it is still not mainstream, especially among women."
"Conceptually, there has been significant liberalization, but practical safety concerns still prevent full openness. Recently, due to growing concerns about crimes related to drugs and murder, women are becoming more cautious about engaging in one-night stands with strangers," Lee added.
Lee advises women to be extra cautious about one-night stands: "When meeting someone through bars or apps for a one-night stand, the worst-case scenarios differ by gender. Men might risk losing some money, whereas women could be exposed to severe dangers, including murder. Therefore, caution is always necessary.'
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