logo
Asking Eric: My husband's ex-wife's ashes are still in the garage

Asking Eric: My husband's ex-wife's ashes are still in the garage

Washington Post21-02-2025
Dear Eric: I have been married to my husband for 16 years and we have a wonderful, blended family. Our kids are now grown (ages 26-35). My husband's first wife died of a drug overdose/swimming accident 23 years ago. They were in the process of a divorce at the time.
Her ashes are in a box in our garage. Many times, over the years, they were going to spread her ashes somewhere, but it never fully happened. Some of the ashes were spread at various locations that she loved. I don't want the rest in my house anymore, but I don't know what to ask for.
I have always been okay with, and supportive of, stories about her being shared, pictures of her in the house, a stocking hung with her name on it at Christmas, etc. But it feels like after 23 years, something should be done with her ashes other than sitting in an old box on a shelf in our garage. It feels disrespectful of me and disrespectful to her memory.
Would it be bad or insensitive to ask my husband to put the ashes in four small urns and give one to each of her four children? None of them own their own home, so they would have to pack this urn and move it with them every time they move.
— Resting Place
Place: The urns are a great idea, and a beautiful way to honor her memory for the children. But I'd pause before making the ask, just to make sure all your intentions line up with your actions.
It's not especially uncommon for people to struggle when figuring out what to do with a loved one's ashes. We don't always have set ceremonies around their dispersal like we do with funerals and burials. Moreover, it sounds like your family has made attempts, but something kept them from finishing this ritual. Maybe it was emotional, maybe it was logistical.
Try, as best you can, to separate the remaining ashes from anyone's feelings about you. I know this is complicated, too. But the presence of your husband's former wife's ashes in your garage is not about you.
If you can start to see this as something that the family — you included — is still working on dealing with, you'll be in a good position to talk to your husband empathetically about moving the ashes from the box to the urns. And, if he's receptive, you'll both want to talk with the kids about whether an urn is something they'd want. Other options include custom rocks or jewelry made from the ashes.
It's possible no one quite knows what they're supposed to do, so a family conversation will be illuminating and helpful. But that can only happen if it starts from a place of curiosity rather than annoyance.
Dear Eric: I saw myself in an Asking Eric column from Nov. 5, 2024. 'Perplexed Friend' was confused after he reached out to a friend who was in crisis, but did not get the response he desired, or any response.
When I was 45, I lost my husband of 18 years to cancer. It was painful and swift. I was paralyzed with grief even though I tried to put on a good face. Both friends and family reached out, sent flowers, gifts, cards and offered to pick up my dry cleaning. I did not respond. I literally could not function. That was nearly 30 years ago, and I am ashamed of myself. I wish I could go back and fix it. But I can't. However, those acts of kindness were what sustained me through the awfulness our family was facing.
What I would say to 'Perplexed Friend' is this: You reached out to comfort your friend because you care about her, not because you needed a thank-you note. You wanted to help her try to move on. And you did. That's what your friend is trying to do. We all handle grief differently — and some of us do better than others.
— Wish I Could Go Back
Wish: Thank you for sharing your story and your support with the letter writer. If I may: a piece of unsolicited advice. Please try to forgive yourself and let go of the shame you're feeling over the way you responded 30 years ago. As you write, we all handle grief differently. And I would amend your last sentence thusly: there is no right way to do it. You handled the unimaginable in a way that helped you get through each day. I feel confident that those who love you and care for you understood any nonresponse or have come to understand it through their own grief processes. You don't have to do it over again; you did what you needed to do, and it was enough.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
Orange background

Try Our AI Features

Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:

Comments

No comments yet...

Related Articles

A mango pie? This baker takes Miami's favorite fruit and makes it even better
A mango pie? This baker takes Miami's favorite fruit and makes it even better

Miami Herald

timea day ago

  • Miami Herald

A mango pie? This baker takes Miami's favorite fruit and makes it even better

When she was a small child growing up in Cuba, Natalia Martinez-Kalinina remembers what her grandmother did with the bounty of wild mangoes that flourished in her yard. She would gather as much fruit as she could carry in pails. Then she would give them to the neighbors, family and friends who came to the front door. Sometimes, even random strangers got lucky. 'She had one of those problematically large mango trees that was a structural threat,' Martinez-Kalinina recalls. 'Anywhere in the U.S., it'd be taken down, but not in Cuba. So she gave them away. Sometimes I would help her.' Martinez-Kalinina's grandmother, Beatriz Adelaida Brunet Quintaro, passed away in 2016, four years after Martinez-Kalinina moved to Miami. But the memory of the mangoes stuck with Martinez-Kalinina, who eventually decided to replicate her grandmother's generosity as a sort of tribute. Only instead of giving away the fruit, she baked it into pies, sharing slices with people she came across in the course of her job, with friends and neighbors, even handing strangers a slice that they were always happy to take. Eight years later, with so many requests for pies pouring in, Martinez-Kalinina has taken her random acts of kindness a step further, starting an online business selling the pies. She bakes them in the commissary kitchen at her home in a live/work building. 'It wasn't meant to be a thing,' says Martinez-Kalinina, laughing. 'I just wanted to do something nice connected to my grandmother. But it grew to such a point people were texting me every year to get on the list to get pies. The list got longer and longer. I had not imagined it as a business until this year.' Creating a baking business was a new venture for Martinez-Kalinina, who works in the tech world and is cofounder of the Miami venture-backed startup Base, a modern twist on a social club that links people from different backgrounds to shared experiences. But her contacts there helped her. A creative director offered to design a logo for her. Martinez-Kalinina also hosts dinners, concerts and other gatherings at her home for eclectic groups of people and urged them to try the pies, too. And they rave. Ashley Schmidt, who knows Martinez-Kalinina through their shared health tech work and runs a scuba club with her, remembers being skeptical of mango pies before she took her first bite. 'I was questioning how good it would be,' she says. 'Blueberry and blackberry pie, yes. A mango margarita, yes. Manoges and yogurt, a mango smoothie, no doubt. But mango pie?' The flavors changed her mind. 'It was the best pie I've ever had,' she says. 'There's something about this flavor that's like Christmas. So warm and delicious. Sometimes you can eat a mango, and it can be on the sour side, or they're overly sweet. This is right in the middle.' Miranda Brna of Miami Beach calls the pies 'truly amazing.' 'I honestly didn't know pie could taste that good,' she says. 'I am not a pie person. But this pie is so good, that I AM a pie person but just for this pie.' What makes this mango pie so addictive? In addition to Miami's general rabid appetite for the fruit, Martinez-Kalinina believes it's the chili powder she adds. When her family left Cuba and moved to Mexico, they adopted an appetite for a bit of spice, which inspired her recipe. 'It's not spicy,' she says. 'But in Mexico, you add tahine to mango slices. With that contrast, the flavor is enhanced and elevated. I love the spice with the sweet.' Martinez-Kalinina won't be quitting her day job, though. Mango pie is a seasonal treat, and she hasn't had luck making pies with frozen fruit. 'I'm sure more skilled chefs could do this, but for me it doesn't come across the same,' she says. Thus, Sunny Slice's season ends when the mangoes are no longer available, usually sometime in August. This year, unlike 2024, has been a good season for mangoes, and neighbors are still supplying her with fruit, which proves to Martinez-Kalinina that an act that started as a gift is a positive force in the world. 'It brings out the best community version of us,' she says. 'People are so generous with their mangoes. They become givers and engage in neighborliness. We don't always do that here.' How to order a mango pie DM @sunnysliceco on Instagram; no phone calls accepted $8 a slice, $40 for a pie

Asking Eric: Live-in boyfriend doesn't pay his own way
Asking Eric: Live-in boyfriend doesn't pay his own way

Chicago Tribune

time2 days ago

  • Chicago Tribune

Asking Eric: Live-in boyfriend doesn't pay his own way

Dear Eric: My daughter has a 'live-in boyfriend' who, since he moved in, thinks he is the king of the household. He is very disrespectful to me, her dad and her stepmom. I tolerated the stuff he said about her dad, and I tolerated him skipping paying my daughter his share of the mortgage for a few months. But when it got so she almost lost her house, I was very upset to say the least. I said he was like a tenant and needed to help her out, which was the deal when he moved in. He read my text to her and he became enraged. He called me delusional, argumentative, a dictator and dramatic. He also said my grandkids didn't want to be around me. I sent his texts to my daughter and I said I need an apology from him. I never got it, and I said I never want to be around him. She told me I should talk to him first. I said he claims that he loves you and he should apologize to me and should respect me. Am I wrong? – Disrespected Mom Dear Mom: You're not wrong at all. This man seems like a nightmare. It's also possible that he is emotionally abusing your daughter, in addition to shirking his financial responsibilities. By trying to drive a wedge between you and your daughter, and you and your grandkids, he's doing something called isolation, which is one of the hallmarks of emotional abuse. Talk seriously, in person and privately, with your daughter about the concerns you have. Try to shift the focus from the apology you're owed. Instead, point out the unhealthy ways that her boyfriend is behaving – controlling behavior, anger and lashing out, isolating her and her kids, and monitoring her communication. These are all dangerous. But there are resources available to your daughter. A strong family and friend support system is key, so keep in contact. You can also refer her to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE or Offer to let her use your phone, if she's wary of him seeing who she's calling. Even if she doesn't share your concerns, encourage her to just have a conversation with someone else about it. These behaviors may seem like personality quirks to her, but they're not and they need to be addressed – potentially by removing him from the home – before they escalate. Dear Eric: I met a person with similar interests through her parents. We had so much fun together in the beginning. Because she is an academic, she has no money. She lives with her parents in a retirement community. She is trying to get another educational opportunity that includes a small stipend and free room and board. She refuses to get a job to help her situation. Before I realized what was happening, I paid for all the dinners and drinks. I also paid for a group trip abroad for both of us. While there, she roomed with me, but I barely saw her. She missed tour days because she stayed out until 3 a.m. and spent the next day in bed. She bought things she wanted for herself but never even paid for a cup of coffee for me. I finally woke up and saw how this friendship was going. I have been overwhelmed with family deaths and my husband and I working on big projects around the house. She texts me and wants to do things and states that she hates living with her parents. I feel used and barely text back any longer. I feel a little bad about blowing her off, but I am tired of feeling taken advantage of. Suggestions on how to deal with this situation? I feel guilty but angry at the same time. Do I continue avoiding her until she finally leaves? – Reluctant Friend Dear Friend: Avoidance is just going to prolong an uncomfortable situation. Better to address this head-on and see if there's a path forward. You two have different attitudes about money. Hers comes across as immature, if I'm being my most generous, predatory if I'm being less so. But you've offered her so much generosity already, what's the harm in extending a little more for a moment? She's not earning money right now and her room and board are paid for, plus her new friend very graciously offered to cover drinks, meals and trips. It's perfectly reasonable to expect a person to feel and show gratitude for these things, but I can also see how that could be a growing edge for her. Friendships can help us mature, especially when there's a little conflict. So, tell her why the friendship isn't working for you right now and see if she's capable of showing up for you in a different way.

DOWNLOAD THE APP

Get Started Now: Download the App

Ready to dive into a world of global content with local flavor? Download Daily8 app today from your preferred app store and start exploring.
app-storeplay-store