Dear Richard Madeley: My wife and I no longer seem to be able to sleep in the same room

Telegraph

6 hours ago

Dear Richard,
My wife and I are in our late 50s, and lately we've both started to sleep more lightly, as seems common at this stage of life. Sometimes she or, less commonly, I migrate to the spare room for some portion of the night, where we can read for a bit and hopefully drift off to sleep again.
Usually I go to bed an hour or so after my wife, and she's already asleep when I get there. My problem is that I have started to feel really tense when I get into bed, which makes me more fidgety. This often wakes her up, which I feel bad about. I'm not worrying about work, as she says she often does in the night – just about waking her.
I sleep more soundly when she's away, though I also miss her presence a great deal. And I've tried forsaking the late-night film and going to bed at the same time as her, but that doesn't seem to work. I told her that I was twitchy in the night because I was worried about waking her and she seemed to appreciate the kindness of the thought but then got quite defensive, as if I was accusing her of being oversensitive.
I realise we're lucky to have a spare room – though our bedroom is my favourite room in the house, and I remember how happy it made me to think I'd be sharing it with her every night. Is it just the new normal when you get to our age, or is there something we can do to break these cycles?
– S, via email
Dear S,
I can see the ribbons of nascent guilt rippling through your letter, and I feel rather sorry for you. There's no need for such self-chastisement, S. You should step back from this sleep scenario and see it for what it is – a timely readjustment to your marital arrangements.
Let's deal with the elephant in the room straight off. Sex. You don't have to sleep together – as in zizz together – to make love, S. Actually spending time mutually unconscious, pillow-to-pillow, is not a requirement for an active love life. Sex and sleeping can be mutually exclusive. In fact, many couples swear by it.
And yes, you are right. Judging purely by the number of letters I receive that are broadly similar to yours, advancing years bring lighter, more fractured sleep patterns. You are not alone in finding sleep in a single bed more restful and refreshing than in twitching, super-conscious coupledom.
My advice is to go with the flow and stop beating yourself up about this. You're both getting older and things change, physically and psychologically. If you sleep better apart, and you have the means to do so – then sleep apart! It's not a betrayal or a failure or a calculated insult, and it's certainly not, as I say, a comment on how attractive you find one another. It's simply the next phase, the next chapter, in the long story of your lives together. Don't be frightened to turn the page.
Sleep well, the pair of you.