I want to end my affair as lover is becoming emotionally attached & it's just sex for me… how can I avoid being cruel?

The Sun

3 days ago

DEAR DEIDRE: DUMPING my lover will break her heart but I know she's becoming emotionally attached, while it's just about the sex for me. My girlfriend is the one who I really want.
What happened was that I got myself into a bit of a situation when I was delivering a parcel.
I'm a courier driver and I stopped at a house to find the owner outside.
She was a pretty woman, looked to be in her mid-twenties, and she had locked herself out.
She asked if I'd help her to get back in. She'd only just moved in with her two children and didn't realise that the door could slam behind her. She'd left her bedroom window open but she hated heights.
We borrowed a ladder from a neighbour and I got in without any hassle. She was so grateful and insisted that she take my number and buy me a drink.
She assumed I was single. I'm a guy of 30 but I've got a girlfriend. I love her and we are talking about getting married. When the single mum messaged I met her for a lunchtime drink.
We got along so well and she asked if I would see her again.
Don't ask me why but I said yes. I was flattered. The following week she asked me over in the evening so I told my girlfriend that I was working late.
Her kids were on a sleepover. We enjoyed some wine and then she said she fancied me.
We started kissing and she led me by the hand upstairs to her bedroom and we had sex. It was great.
I've met her six times now and we always end up in bed. It's just sex to me. My girlfriend is the one I want. How can I let this woman down without being cruel?
Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
DEIDRE SAYS: You may love your girlfriend but it didn't take much for you to cheat on her with somebody else.
This young woman assumed you were single but you didn't put her right. That's low. She may hope this relationship has legs but you know you must end it.
You say you're happy with your girlfriend but how long will it be before you feel tempted to stray again? Be honest with yourself.
If you're not really ready for long-term monogamous love, then you need to be honest with your girlfriend.
My support pack called Ending A Relationship will help you to bring things to a close, kindly but firmly with one or both women.
MY SON'S WIFE IS AVOIDING OUR VISIT
DEAR DEIDRE: EVERY time we go to see our son and grandsons our daughter-in-law manages to be busy elsewhere for the whole weekend.
She clearly doesn't like us. I'm 59, our son is 30 and his wife is 28.
She's not an easy person. We've made her feel welcome at our house but there always seems to be tension when we meet her.
One time she yelled at my son over dinner in front of the boys. I had to have a word with her about her attitude.
My son said to us that it's her and not us, she's always had issues with moodiness. I feel that they're having relationship issues.
We've not seen our grandkids for months and we miss them so much but we can't go when we are clearly not wanted.
DEIDRE SAYS: She shouldn't have shouted in front of the children but she may have seen you having a word as interference.
Write to her and tell her that you're missing seeing all of them but you know that having visitors is stressful.
Suggest that next time you go, you'll find a bed and breakfast and see them for days out.
Perhaps a night out would help them to talk without the children around so you could offer to babysit too.
For further support, contact grandparentsapart.co.uk, a charity dedicated to help grandparents.
LOSING DAD MEANS OUR BIRTHDAY IS JUST SO SAD
DEAR DEIDRE: IT'S my birthday next week but the anniversary of my father's death falls on the same day. He died last year from cancer and I can't shake off the sadness.
He was 67 and always called me his 'special girl'. I'm 43, single and an only child.
My mother is still alive and she's 70. They tried to have children for a long time so they always made such a huge fuss of me for my birthday.
Mum is managing but it's not easy for her either. I call in to see her every day.
I'll never feel 'special' for somebody again, not in the way that Dad loved me. I'm glad he's not suffering but I miss him so much. I'm dreading my birthday now.
DEIDRE SAYS: For all the happiness a birthday can bring, sad emotions can come to the surface if it is around the time that somebody we love has died.
You won't forget your dad and you'll remember how loving he was towards you. Although he's not here, it will get easier, year-on-year.
You can find emotional support through sueryder.org, which offers six weeks of free bereavement counselling.
See your mother on the anniversary and take time to think about how wonderful your dad was.
Then dry your tears and go out together to celebrate your birthday in a new way.
DULL HUBBY'S SO BORING IN BED
DEAR DEIDRE: MARRIAGE is a lot less fun than I thought it would be. I've been with my husband eight years and that's long enough for him to prove himself.
We've never had a wild sex life but I thought things would get better once we had privacy after we tied the knot. Sadly, sex is as dull as ever.
I'm 36 and my husband is 39.
I'm a waitress. One of the guys in the kitchen is gorgeous. He's 27 and I really fancy him but he's shown little interest in me.
The other guy I like is a friend of my husband. I've talked to him about having an affair but he says he can't because he's married. I respect him for that.
When I have sex with my husband, I fantasise about having sex with both of these other guys. It's the only way I can get turned on.
The only connection we have is the occasional times we have sex.
Other than that we might be in the same room but we both scroll on our phones with little to say to one another. I don't know what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: You're probably both unhappy. You do have to work at a marriage sometimes and it takes effort and imagination, not living in your separate worlds on your phones.
If you're fantasising about other men and your husband is doing nothing for you, you have to talk to him.
Sex is just one part of a relationship so think about what changes you would like to make and remember why you got together in the first place.
My support pack Relationship MOT will help you to think about where things are lacking.
If sex is dull, it's not down to your husband to second guess what you find enjoyable – tell him what you'd like. My support pack Understanding Female Pleasure may help him to be more experimental.