My wife says she doesn't want a birthday present. Of course it's a trap
'What could you possibly get me?' sounds like a rhetorical question, asked because the answer is obviously 'nothing'. A statement made by someone who suddenly realised they are replete, satisfied, happy. But only a fool would hear it that way. It's a real question, all right. And it has an answer. And the answer is not 'nothing'. And the answer is not to roast a chook or the offer of your continuing love – one is mere poultry and the other merely paltry.
A gift signifies what she means to you, it represents your relationship, it is an icon of your love, and its giving is a ritual romantic affirmation that must be honoured. It's true, the present itself is nothing. But the nothingness of no present is really something. The lack of thought in no present is brazen and deliberate. The fact that the whole procedure of nutting out what to buy and where to get it and what colour it should be didn't delight you and stimulate you enough, knowing how her recognition of what you'd done would delight her … well, you've made an error, buster.
People who print 'no presents' on an invitation are disingenuous. They are laying a trap – filtering the givers from the non-givers and compiling a list.
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So go out and get a present. And if you get the right present, a thing she has secretly coveted but told herself she didn't deserve, then you have not only confirmed you still know her, you've also affirmed she is worthy of this covetable thing, and that your hearts are still in sync, and love lives.
So … now all you've got to do is choose the present that does all these things.
My old man once got my mother pots for Christmas. Heavy, black, enamelled cooking pots. I can still see their various parabolas as they sailed across the sitting room and hear them ringing like a carillon as they ricocheted off our walls and father. Pots were not what she wanted. Neither the pot-giver, as the pots finally made clear. I was six. Many six-year-olds would have concluded she was a difficult – perhaps violent – woman. But I said to myself: 'Make a note, Anson. Being an attractive lad, one day you may have a wife of your own. And you must avoid giving presents to her that suggest you regard her primarily as domestic help.' A maxim I've lived by.
Especially galling is that Sarah always gives me presents that hit the mark. She somehow knows what I want. It's almost as if she pays attention to me when I talk. Strange behaviour from a marital partner, if so. The pair of boots I have worn while swaggering through gangs of bikies, kicking Harleys over in my half-sleep before drifting off each night, arrive for my birthday. The coat I've rocked while accepting my gong from the governor-general in recent daydreams is folded and wrapped and waiting for me at breakfast as proof that at least one of us remembered our anniversary.
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ABC News
10-07-2025
- ABC News
NSW yarning circle program helping change the lives of Indigenous parolees
Sarah* has led a life many could never imagine. Her childhood was spent in out-of-home care, followed by years in and out of custody. Sarah's experience led to a life of addiction, and she became disconnected from family. "I've had a very hard journey. I never got to know my family, my mother's side or my father's side," she said. All five of her children were subsequently removed from her care. But a new program has given Sarah hope. Every fortnight, she joins a small group of other offenders reporting for parole or serving community orders in the yard of a Western Sydney community building. They meet here instead of attending an office in a bid to boost engagement and reduce the prospects of reoffending. It's a move Parramatta Community Corrections manager Samah Hasham said was having an immeasurable impact. "Traditional interview rooms [are] very sterile, and they can be very intimidating for our clients," she said. "But having the yarning circle has really changed that. Just having an open space, having the greenery, and having people that will listen." The Parramatta Community Corrections program runs in partnership with the Uniting Church — who donated the space — to gather for lunch, get essentials and have a yarn. Anaiwan woman and Aboriginal client engagement and cultural officer specialist Pamela Simon leads the sessions and said the idea came from the offenders themselves, who used similar programs in custody. "In culture, we know how powerful [yarning circles] can be bringing everyone together, supporting each other, and getting through the corrections orders but also the main thing for me is to get them out of custody," she said. The program — the first of its kind in Sydney — also connects attendees with government services to help with housing, debt and employment. For Sarah, it's helped get her youngest baby back in her care. Her partner and father to her baby is also attending the program and has had a similar journey through addiction and custody. But a phone call to Ms Simon changed everything for him. "I've been on the drugs since I was nine, 10, now I'm 42 ... without Pam I would've been still on the drugs," he said. "It's really good to come to the yarning circle, talk about your life story. [I'm] just trying to go forward in life now. "It's been awesome; I got my baby home." Data released in May from the NSW Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research showed a surge in Aboriginal incarceration pushed the state's prison population to a five-year high — rising to 13,103 in March this year. Of that number, 4,244 were Aboriginal prisoners. It's an increase of 14 per cent since November 2023. NSW Corrections Minister Anoulack Chanthivong said the state government was always looking at alternative methods to reduce recidivism. "By having a supportive environment in a safe space that actually is sensitive to the cultural understanding of our Indigenous inmates shows that we should always look at different ways," he said. Dunghutti and Wiradjuri man Leeton McGuinness knows the power of a yarning circle. He lost his father and brother by the age of 21 and has been in and out of prison most of his life. But time at The Glen Centre — an Indigenous-led rehabilitation facility on the Central Coast — to treat a methamphetamine addiction has turned his life around. He's now a case manager and spends time helping others through the same journey, like the Parramatta program's participants. "I had the weight of the world in my backpack, but once I started unloading it, it starts to get lighter and lighter," he said. It's a weight that is starting to feel lighter for Cameron* too. He was hesitant to attend the yarning circle first, but now after participating for the last year after decades in prison, he feels right "at home". Cameron travels from outside of his local area to attend. "I can open up and talk about things and not be looked down upon," he said. "It's just good to come somewhere where I can relate to other blokes and not feel like I'm being put on show, not made a spectacle of … and not be stigmatised. "The fortnight that I don't have to come, I still come." Ms Simon said the 18-month program had become so successful that some participants are continuing to attend after they've completed their orders. "We're only seeing snippets of people making those lifestyle changes and not going back to custody, finishing orders and getting their babies home," she said. "I'd like to see that across New South Wales because if it makes a difference in one person's life, it can make a difference in everyone's." * Names have been changed for privacy reasons
The Advertiser
02-07-2025
- The Advertiser
The isolating reality of school refusal for Hunter children and their parents
A NEWCASTLE mother has spoken out about her harrowing experiences of trying to find a suitable, alternative education option in the Hunter for her eight-year-old son. Sarah* and her son John*, whose names have been withheld for privacy reasons, have experienced complete school refusal from mainstream schooling. John* was diagnosed with ASD level two, ADHD and generalised anxiety after showing signs of school refusal late last year when attending a mainstream public school. "He started exhibiting behaviours around social anxiety, mainly attached to the school environment. I was working with the school looking at how they could support him, but it resulted in total school refusal in a physical response," she said. "He was in a fetal position in the corner, rocking back and forth. A total physical shutdown. I pulled him out altogether." Sarah* looked at alternative options, including Newcastle Waldorf School and Aspect Hunter, as well as special education units in public schools, but she says she ran into issues with waitlists and finding suitable needs for her son. "It's knock back after knock back. There are waitlists with all specific alternate learning schools, some alternate learning schools are selective in who they take, even with a diagnosis, and it is a rigorous enrolment process," she said. Her most recent point of call was with Newcastle's St Philip's Christian College DALE school, an alternative learning environment for students who have an autism spectrum disorder, social and emotional difficulties or a mild intellectual disability. "We did the whole process. We did the interview, we did a face-to-face meet-up, and we've done two trial mornings," she said. Sarah* said two weeks had passed, and she had not heard back from the school. "The head of campus told me to get him an exemption from school for four weeks and to see a psychologist to give him the best chance to transition from the school, and then I hadn't heard anything," she said. She called to follow up and received an email from an SPCC staff member saying the school didn't have enough classroom support for John*. "I was blindsided, totally blindsided," she said. In an email chain from SPCC DALE school to Sarah*, the staff member stated the principal needed to speak to Sarah* about enrolment options for John*. "She [the principal] isn't sure we can provide enough support for John*. She doesn't want to hold you up and recommends you keep exploring other educational options for John*," the email read. "Based on the first two observations, John's* needs are beyond the level of support we can provide at our school through reasonable adjustments. Additional concerns relate to the escalating meltdowns noted in John's* reports." "We are an environment best suited for students with internalising, not externalising behaviours," it read. However, based on mutual agreement, the email stated a third observation was scheduled for John*, but it was suggested to put his enrolment application on hold and review it in semester two. The Newcastle Herald contacted SPCC DALE for a response, to which a spokesperson said the family formally withdrew John's* enrolment application. Sarah* says this is incorrect. "Please know that this invitation is still very much open. If the family would like to revisit the application or explore options moving forward, we would warmly welcome that conversation. We're here to support and walk alongside families wherever possible." Sarah* said she felt disheartened, left with minimal options and not sure where to go next. "The next option is homeschooling, but I'm a single mum. I'll do whatever I need to for my son, but that would mean I don't work," she said. She said school refusal left children and parents feeling isolated. "You're on this island like you're just left. It's a real eye-opening experience, and I'm sure I have no doubt I'm not the only one," she said. "My main point is that we claim to be a society that's going towards including all types of people on the spectrum, but when it actually comes down to it, it's not happening." She has also contacted the NSW Education Standards Authority (NESA) and the NSW Department of Education for advice. A NSW Department of Education spokesperson said one in four students in state schools had a disability. "Our team of specialist teachers and school-based staff work closely with parents and carers to ensure students receive the support they need," they said. They said the enrolments of students in support classes within Schools for Specific Purposes (SSPs) were prioritised by the local support class placement panel considering several factors, including the student's disability, the level of support required, the proximity of the class to the student's home and the availability of places. "Schools for Specific Purposes (SSPs) such as the Hunter River Community School play a crucial role in providing specialised and intensive support for students with moderate to high learning and support needs," they said. Forty-nine applications for Hunter Schools for Specific Purposes (SSP) were received in 2024. A NEWCASTLE mother has spoken out about her harrowing experiences of trying to find a suitable, alternative education option in the Hunter for her eight-year-old son. Sarah* and her son John*, whose names have been withheld for privacy reasons, have experienced complete school refusal from mainstream schooling. John* was diagnosed with ASD level two, ADHD and generalised anxiety after showing signs of school refusal late last year when attending a mainstream public school. "He started exhibiting behaviours around social anxiety, mainly attached to the school environment. I was working with the school looking at how they could support him, but it resulted in total school refusal in a physical response," she said. "He was in a fetal position in the corner, rocking back and forth. A total physical shutdown. I pulled him out altogether." Sarah* looked at alternative options, including Newcastle Waldorf School and Aspect Hunter, as well as special education units in public schools, but she says she ran into issues with waitlists and finding suitable needs for her son. "It's knock back after knock back. There are waitlists with all specific alternate learning schools, some alternate learning schools are selective in who they take, even with a diagnosis, and it is a rigorous enrolment process," she said. Her most recent point of call was with Newcastle's St Philip's Christian College DALE school, an alternative learning environment for students who have an autism spectrum disorder, social and emotional difficulties or a mild intellectual disability. "We did the whole process. We did the interview, we did a face-to-face meet-up, and we've done two trial mornings," she said. Sarah* said two weeks had passed, and she had not heard back from the school. "The head of campus told me to get him an exemption from school for four weeks and to see a psychologist to give him the best chance to transition from the school, and then I hadn't heard anything," she said. She called to follow up and received an email from an SPCC staff member saying the school didn't have enough classroom support for John*. "I was blindsided, totally blindsided," she said. In an email chain from SPCC DALE school to Sarah*, the staff member stated the principal needed to speak to Sarah* about enrolment options for John*. "She [the principal] isn't sure we can provide enough support for John*. She doesn't want to hold you up and recommends you keep exploring other educational options for John*," the email read. "Based on the first two observations, John's* needs are beyond the level of support we can provide at our school through reasonable adjustments. Additional concerns relate to the escalating meltdowns noted in John's* reports." "We are an environment best suited for students with internalising, not externalising behaviours," it read. However, based on mutual agreement, the email stated a third observation was scheduled for John*, but it was suggested to put his enrolment application on hold and review it in semester two. The Newcastle Herald contacted SPCC DALE for a response, to which a spokesperson said the family formally withdrew John's* enrolment application. Sarah* says this is incorrect. "Please know that this invitation is still very much open. If the family would like to revisit the application or explore options moving forward, we would warmly welcome that conversation. We're here to support and walk alongside families wherever possible." Sarah* said she felt disheartened, left with minimal options and not sure where to go next. "The next option is homeschooling, but I'm a single mum. I'll do whatever I need to for my son, but that would mean I don't work," she said. She said school refusal left children and parents feeling isolated. "You're on this island like you're just left. It's a real eye-opening experience, and I'm sure I have no doubt I'm not the only one," she said. "My main point is that we claim to be a society that's going towards including all types of people on the spectrum, but when it actually comes down to it, it's not happening." She has also contacted the NSW Education Standards Authority (NESA) and the NSW Department of Education for advice. A NSW Department of Education spokesperson said one in four students in state schools had a disability. "Our team of specialist teachers and school-based staff work closely with parents and carers to ensure students receive the support they need," they said. They said the enrolments of students in support classes within Schools for Specific Purposes (SSPs) were prioritised by the local support class placement panel considering several factors, including the student's disability, the level of support required, the proximity of the class to the student's home and the availability of places. "Schools for Specific Purposes (SSPs) such as the Hunter River Community School play a crucial role in providing specialised and intensive support for students with moderate to high learning and support needs," they said. Forty-nine applications for Hunter Schools for Specific Purposes (SSP) were received in 2024. A NEWCASTLE mother has spoken out about her harrowing experiences of trying to find a suitable, alternative education option in the Hunter for her eight-year-old son. Sarah* and her son John*, whose names have been withheld for privacy reasons, have experienced complete school refusal from mainstream schooling. John* was diagnosed with ASD level two, ADHD and generalised anxiety after showing signs of school refusal late last year when attending a mainstream public school. "He started exhibiting behaviours around social anxiety, mainly attached to the school environment. I was working with the school looking at how they could support him, but it resulted in total school refusal in a physical response," she said. "He was in a fetal position in the corner, rocking back and forth. A total physical shutdown. I pulled him out altogether." Sarah* looked at alternative options, including Newcastle Waldorf School and Aspect Hunter, as well as special education units in public schools, but she says she ran into issues with waitlists and finding suitable needs for her son. "It's knock back after knock back. There are waitlists with all specific alternate learning schools, some alternate learning schools are selective in who they take, even with a diagnosis, and it is a rigorous enrolment process," she said. Her most recent point of call was with Newcastle's St Philip's Christian College DALE school, an alternative learning environment for students who have an autism spectrum disorder, social and emotional difficulties or a mild intellectual disability. "We did the whole process. We did the interview, we did a face-to-face meet-up, and we've done two trial mornings," she said. Sarah* said two weeks had passed, and she had not heard back from the school. "The head of campus told me to get him an exemption from school for four weeks and to see a psychologist to give him the best chance to transition from the school, and then I hadn't heard anything," she said. She called to follow up and received an email from an SPCC staff member saying the school didn't have enough classroom support for John*. "I was blindsided, totally blindsided," she said. In an email chain from SPCC DALE school to Sarah*, the staff member stated the principal needed to speak to Sarah* about enrolment options for John*. "She [the principal] isn't sure we can provide enough support for John*. She doesn't want to hold you up and recommends you keep exploring other educational options for John*," the email read. "Based on the first two observations, John's* needs are beyond the level of support we can provide at our school through reasonable adjustments. Additional concerns relate to the escalating meltdowns noted in John's* reports." "We are an environment best suited for students with internalising, not externalising behaviours," it read. However, based on mutual agreement, the email stated a third observation was scheduled for John*, but it was suggested to put his enrolment application on hold and review it in semester two. The Newcastle Herald contacted SPCC DALE for a response, to which a spokesperson said the family formally withdrew John's* enrolment application. Sarah* says this is incorrect. "Please know that this invitation is still very much open. If the family would like to revisit the application or explore options moving forward, we would warmly welcome that conversation. We're here to support and walk alongside families wherever possible." Sarah* said she felt disheartened, left with minimal options and not sure where to go next. "The next option is homeschooling, but I'm a single mum. I'll do whatever I need to for my son, but that would mean I don't work," she said. She said school refusal left children and parents feeling isolated. "You're on this island like you're just left. It's a real eye-opening experience, and I'm sure I have no doubt I'm not the only one," she said. "My main point is that we claim to be a society that's going towards including all types of people on the spectrum, but when it actually comes down to it, it's not happening." She has also contacted the NSW Education Standards Authority (NESA) and the NSW Department of Education for advice. A NSW Department of Education spokesperson said one in four students in state schools had a disability. "Our team of specialist teachers and school-based staff work closely with parents and carers to ensure students receive the support they need," they said. They said the enrolments of students in support classes within Schools for Specific Purposes (SSPs) were prioritised by the local support class placement panel considering several factors, including the student's disability, the level of support required, the proximity of the class to the student's home and the availability of places. "Schools for Specific Purposes (SSPs) such as the Hunter River Community School play a crucial role in providing specialised and intensive support for students with moderate to high learning and support needs," they said. Forty-nine applications for Hunter Schools for Specific Purposes (SSP) were received in 2024. A NEWCASTLE mother has spoken out about her harrowing experiences of trying to find a suitable, alternative education option in the Hunter for her eight-year-old son. Sarah* and her son John*, whose names have been withheld for privacy reasons, have experienced complete school refusal from mainstream schooling. John* was diagnosed with ASD level two, ADHD and generalised anxiety after showing signs of school refusal late last year when attending a mainstream public school. "He started exhibiting behaviours around social anxiety, mainly attached to the school environment. I was working with the school looking at how they could support him, but it resulted in total school refusal in a physical response," she said. "He was in a fetal position in the corner, rocking back and forth. A total physical shutdown. I pulled him out altogether." Sarah* looked at alternative options, including Newcastle Waldorf School and Aspect Hunter, as well as special education units in public schools, but she says she ran into issues with waitlists and finding suitable needs for her son. "It's knock back after knock back. There are waitlists with all specific alternate learning schools, some alternate learning schools are selective in who they take, even with a diagnosis, and it is a rigorous enrolment process," she said. Her most recent point of call was with Newcastle's St Philip's Christian College DALE school, an alternative learning environment for students who have an autism spectrum disorder, social and emotional difficulties or a mild intellectual disability. "We did the whole process. We did the interview, we did a face-to-face meet-up, and we've done two trial mornings," she said. Sarah* said two weeks had passed, and she had not heard back from the school. "The head of campus told me to get him an exemption from school for four weeks and to see a psychologist to give him the best chance to transition from the school, and then I hadn't heard anything," she said. She called to follow up and received an email from an SPCC staff member saying the school didn't have enough classroom support for John*. "I was blindsided, totally blindsided," she said. In an email chain from SPCC DALE school to Sarah*, the staff member stated the principal needed to speak to Sarah* about enrolment options for John*. "She [the principal] isn't sure we can provide enough support for John*. She doesn't want to hold you up and recommends you keep exploring other educational options for John*," the email read. "Based on the first two observations, John's* needs are beyond the level of support we can provide at our school through reasonable adjustments. Additional concerns relate to the escalating meltdowns noted in John's* reports." "We are an environment best suited for students with internalising, not externalising behaviours," it read. However, based on mutual agreement, the email stated a third observation was scheduled for John*, but it was suggested to put his enrolment application on hold and review it in semester two. The Newcastle Herald contacted SPCC DALE for a response, to which a spokesperson said the family formally withdrew John's* enrolment application. Sarah* says this is incorrect. "Please know that this invitation is still very much open. If the family would like to revisit the application or explore options moving forward, we would warmly welcome that conversation. We're here to support and walk alongside families wherever possible." Sarah* said she felt disheartened, left with minimal options and not sure where to go next. "The next option is homeschooling, but I'm a single mum. I'll do whatever I need to for my son, but that would mean I don't work," she said. She said school refusal left children and parents feeling isolated. "You're on this island like you're just left. It's a real eye-opening experience, and I'm sure I have no doubt I'm not the only one," she said. "My main point is that we claim to be a society that's going towards including all types of people on the spectrum, but when it actually comes down to it, it's not happening." She has also contacted the NSW Education Standards Authority (NESA) and the NSW Department of Education for advice. A NSW Department of Education spokesperson said one in four students in state schools had a disability. "Our team of specialist teachers and school-based staff work closely with parents and carers to ensure students receive the support they need," they said. They said the enrolments of students in support classes within Schools for Specific Purposes (SSPs) were prioritised by the local support class placement panel considering several factors, including the student's disability, the level of support required, the proximity of the class to the student's home and the availability of places. "Schools for Specific Purposes (SSPs) such as the Hunter River Community School play a crucial role in providing specialised and intensive support for students with moderate to high learning and support needs," they said. Forty-nine applications for Hunter Schools for Specific Purposes (SSP) were received in 2024.
The Age
19-06-2025
- The Age
My wife says she doesn't want a birthday present. Of course it's a trap
'Honestly, I don't need a thing,' she said. 'What could you possibly get me? Roast a chook and invite some friends over. Don't buy me a birthday present.' 'What could you possibly get me?' sounds like a rhetorical question, asked because the answer is obviously 'nothing'. A statement made by someone who suddenly realised they are replete, satisfied, happy. But only a fool would hear it that way. It's a real question, all right. And it has an answer. And the answer is not 'nothing'. And the answer is not to roast a chook or the offer of your continuing love – one is mere poultry and the other merely paltry. A gift signifies what she means to you, it represents your relationship, it is an icon of your love, and its giving is a ritual romantic affirmation that must be honoured. It's true, the present itself is nothing. But the nothingness of no present is really something. The lack of thought in no present is brazen and deliberate. The fact that the whole procedure of nutting out what to buy and where to get it and what colour it should be didn't delight you and stimulate you enough, knowing how her recognition of what you'd done would delight her … well, you've made an error, buster. People who print 'no presents' on an invitation are disingenuous. They are laying a trap – filtering the givers from the non-givers and compiling a list. Loading So go out and get a present. And if you get the right present, a thing she has secretly coveted but told herself she didn't deserve, then you have not only confirmed you still know her, you've also affirmed she is worthy of this covetable thing, and that your hearts are still in sync, and love lives. So … now all you've got to do is choose the present that does all these things. My old man once got my mother pots for Christmas. Heavy, black, enamelled cooking pots. I can still see their various parabolas as they sailed across the sitting room and hear them ringing like a carillon as they ricocheted off our walls and father. Pots were not what she wanted. Neither the pot-giver, as the pots finally made clear. I was six. Many six-year-olds would have concluded she was a difficult – perhaps violent – woman. But I said to myself: 'Make a note, Anson. Being an attractive lad, one day you may have a wife of your own. And you must avoid giving presents to her that suggest you regard her primarily as domestic help.' A maxim I've lived by. Especially galling is that Sarah always gives me presents that hit the mark. She somehow knows what I want. It's almost as if she pays attention to me when I talk. Strange behaviour from a marital partner, if so. The pair of boots I have worn while swaggering through gangs of bikies, kicking Harleys over in my half-sleep before drifting off each night, arrive for my birthday. The coat I've rocked while accepting my gong from the governor-general in recent daydreams is folded and wrapped and waiting for me at breakfast as proof that at least one of us remembered our anniversary.
