When parents play favourites with children, they're playing with fire

Yahoo

a day ago

"You love my brother more than me!"
If you're a parent and one of your children accuses you of favouring a sibling, it can sting. Don't you always try to treat all of your kids equally? And don't you naturally love all of them equally too?
While this may well be your intention, parents are often emotionally closer to one child - usually unconsciously, but sometimes not. In a recent survey by the German polling institute Appinio, commissioned on the occasion of Mother's Day, 18% of the respondents said they had a favourite child.
This doesn't surprise Susanne Döll-Hentschker, professor of clinical psychology and psychotherapy at the Frankfurt University of Applied Sciences. After all, she says, immediately after the birth of a child, parents look for similarities to themselves.
"It's pure projection, but if you see yourself in your child, it will influence how you behave towards them," she remarks.
Similarities and differences in temperament, interests or family roles are what foster particular closeness between a parent and a child.
"Some children are more even-tempered, others more of a handful. And there are developmental stages when a child's behaviour is harder for parents to interpret and regulate," says psychologist Fabienne Becker-Stoll, director of the State Institute for Early Childhood Education and Media Competence (IFP) in Amberg, Germany.
If, in such stages, a child baulks at homework, for example, it's perfectly normal for parents to be reluctant to help out with maths exercises, she says. What's important is that they be aware of the dynamics at play and realize that they, not the child, are responsible for a harmonious relationship.
"Children must know and feel that they're loved unconditionally," she says. A secure parental bond gives kids self-confidence and prevents them from feeling less loved when siblings get more attention from parents in certain stages of their development.
"Unequal treatment is unavoidable, because every child has different needs," notes Döll-Hentschker. It would be silly, in her view, to treat a 2-year-old the same as a 4-year-old. "If you explain the reasons for the disparity, they're generally satisfied," she says.
So long, that is, as the temporary unequal treatment doesn't devolve into favouritism. Experiencing a brother or sister who systematically receives more affection is deeply hurtful.
"If a child feels persistently disadvantaged or ignored, it can have an extremely adverse effect on their self-esteem and self-image," warns Anja Lepach-Engelhardt, professor of developmental and educational psychology at the Private University of Applied Sciences (PFH) in Göttingen, Germany.
But being a pet child can have lasting negative consequences too. "They're often made to take more responsibility for the parents' care," she points out.
As regards factors determining a favoured child, "birth order can play a role," says Lepach-Engelhardt. "The time with the first-born in particular is often experienced especially intensely, and they get a lot of attention. On the other hand, they often have to take on more responsibility."
Sometimes it's the youngest child that receives special attention, she adds, while the middle children tend to get the least.
Gender can also play a role. A meta-analysis published this year by the American Psychological Association, reflecting data from about 20,000 individuals, concludes that parents may be inclined to give relatively favoured treatment to daughters, conscientious children, and agreeable ones.
It says the data also suggests that siblings who receive favoured parental treatment tend to have better mental health, fewer problem behaviours, more academic success, better self-regulation and healthier relationships. The inverse is also supported by the data.
"Importantly," the researchers write, "PDT [parental differential treatment] consistently has unique consequences beyond the effects of parenting in general. In other words, the positive and negative outcomes associated with PDT are not about good and bad parenting but about being parented differently."
Parental favouritism is rarely deliberate. And for many parents, admitting to yourself that your relationship quality isn't the same for all of your children "is felt to be taboo and therefore often denied in non-anonymous surveys, says Lepach-Engelhardt.
"However, a number of large studies have been done showing that unconscious favouritism, at least, occurs frequently, for example in the form of more attention, praise or leniency accorded a certain child."
What should you do if you happen to be emotionally closer to one of your children, if the child's temperament better suits you, it's easier to talk to them and they're more affectionate towards you? "Introspection and honesty are a good way to start," Lepach-Engelhardt says.
She advises asking yourself the following questions: How do I speak with each child? How much time do I spend with each? What provokes me, stresses me or disappoints me about them, and what do I especially appreciate?
"Then ask yourself why you accord a certain child more attention or leniency, whether it occurs often and how you can balance it out, for instance by consciously apportioning time and resources, or having each parent occasionally engage separately with the children," she says.
Equal treatment, to her way of thinking, doesn't mean treating all equally, but "fairly."
Grandparents can play favourites or show disfavour too, points out Döll-Hentschker, "for example if a grandmother rejects her youngest grandson because she thought the family was complete without him and didn't need another child."
The children directly affected by favouritism aren't the only ones who suffer. Sibling relationships can be severely damaged as well - by rivalry, jealousy or feelings of guilt. Children find themselves in roles they haven't chosen.
"Some sibling relationships are actually destroyed by this or remain troubled for a lifetime," Döll-Hentschker says.
The emotional hurt can be healed, however, if the parents and children are able to have a frank talk about it, and "parents acknowledge the pain suffered by a child who was always disadvantaged," says Becker-Stoll.
Assuming responsibility for your relationships with your children and asking yourself, "What can I do to make them better?" she says, are important steps in seeing each child in their uniqueness and taking them seriously.
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