What Is Attachment Parenting? An Expert Explains the Principles, and the Pros and Cons
Dr. Sanam Hafeez is a New York City-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, a psychological practice that treats learning disorders, anxiety, depression and other psychopathological disorders. Dr. Hafeez obtained her Doctor of Psychology at Hofstra University and completed her post-doctoral training in neuropsychology and developmental pediatrics at Coney Island Hospital.
Dr. Hafeez tells me that attachment parenting is a method of raising children that emphasizes building a close, trusting relationship:
'It encourages parents to be physically close and emotionally available, especially when the child is very young. Parents who follow this approach often breastfeed, carry their babies in slings, and sleep near them at night. The idea is that when a child feels safe and understood, they grow up more secure and confident.'
That said, the expert also wants parents to know that this approach isn't about abiding by strict rules; instead, it encourages parents to listen to their gut and respond to their child's needs. (For example, a parent might choose to hold their baby during naps instead of putting them in a crib, so the baby feels more connected.) Attachment parenting also isn't right for every parent: 'Some people find it highly rewarding, while others find it exhausting,' says Dr. Hafeez.If you're interested in practicing the attachment parenting style, the first principle encourages you to get a head start. This principle suggests that parents should 'learn about childbirth and early parenting, make informed choices, and reflect on their own childhoods to break unhealthy cycles,' says Dr. Hafeez.
'This principle focuses on breastfeeding when possible, but more broadly it means being emotionally present and responsive during feeding,' says Dr. Hafeez. In other words, you can still practice attachment parenting even if you are unable or choose not to breastfeed; the most important part is that you keep in mind that feeding time should 'provide emotional connection, not just nutrition.'
Per the expert, parents are encouraged to notice and respond quickly and compassionately to their child's cues—namely because this helps the child feel understood, safe, and valued.
Per the expert, attachment parenting credo emphasizes physical closeness like holding, cuddling, and baby-wearing—namely because 'gentle touch promotes bonding and can soothe stress for both parent and child.'
Thinking about trying a CIO sleep-training method to get your baby to sleep through the night? Well, according to the principles of attachment parenting, that's a no-no. 'Babies should sleep in a safe environment that allows them to feel secure, which is why co-sleeping or room-sharing is often recommended to maintain emotional connection while prioritizing physical safety,' says Dr. Hafeez. That said, it's worth noting that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends room-sharing rather co-sleeping (i.e., bed-sharing), due to the increased risk of SIDS during the first six months.
'Children thrive on predictable, attentive care from loving caregivers. When possible, attachment parenting encourages minimizing long separations and choosing caregivers who are warm and responsive,' says Dr. Hafeez. But what constitutes a long separation, you ask? Attachment Parenting International (API) points to research that shows kids under the age of 30 months experience stress when left in daycare situations for more than 20 hours per week. As such API recommends that working caregivers find an at-home childcare alternative, either with another parent or a private caregiver, and that an effort is made to maintain consistency in the arrangement so that the child can form secure attachments with the person providing care while you're away. (i.e., try not to swap nannies all the time).
Attachment parenting promotes positive discipline because it has been proven to be more effective than other methods, such as fear-based approaches (i.e., threats) and physical discipline. Dr. Hafeez explains: 'instead of punishment, this approach promotes teaching and guiding with empathy and respect. The goal is to help children understand boundaries and learn self-control through connection, not fear.' What this looks like depends on the situation, but generally attachment parenting encourages kids to learn from natural consequences and practice peaceful conflict resolution skills when problems arise.
This means, as it sounds, that you should aim to achieve a healthy balance between your personal well-being and your family responsibilities. 'It is essential to be a responsive parent but you must also take care of yourself,' says Dr. Hafeez, adding that, 'parents must prioritize their emotional and physical self-care to ensure effective and sustainable parenting practices.' In other words, an attachment parenting style does not mean that you have to sacrifice all of your own needs; in fact, if you neglect yourself, both you and your child will suffer.
CatherineThis highly attentive and nurturing parenting style involves modeling desirable social behaviors to children from a very young age. Indeed, the expert says that 'responsive parenting leads children to develop an awareness of others' emotions and greater empathy.' Basically, this approach means that your kid will be less likely to pull little Suzy's pigtails and more likely to comfort her if someone else does.
Yep, the emphasis on co-sleeping or room-sharing does lead to improved sleep patterns. Don't get too excited, though, because the benefit is mostly for your baby: 'Though early co-sleeping can disrupt adult sleep, children often develop more secure and healthy sleep patterns over time because they learn to associate sleep with comfort and safety' explains Dr. Hafeez.
While you might think this parenting approach would result in a kid who remains attached to you at the hip for far longer than you'd like, apparently this isn't necessarily the case. 'Ironically, the intense dependence in early years fosters greater independence later on,' says Dr. Hafeez—namely because 'children who feel secure are more willing to explore their environment and try new things without fear.'
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Attachment parenting certainly has its pros, but it's not exactly easy to practice. Indeed, the expert notes that one of the most significant disadvantages of this parenting approach is that you can get really burnt out trying to maintain it. 'The constant physical and emotional availability required can be exhausting, especially for primary caregivers. Without adequate rest or personal time, parents may experience stress, resentment, or fatigue.' As such, if you decide to adopt an attachment parenting style, you'd be wise to remember the eighth principle (which, in my opinion, should be the first).
Attachment parenting really demands that a tremendous amount of attention be paid to the child at all times and, as a result, other relationships might fall by the wayside. The job of attachment parenting might be a labor of love, but it doesn't always feel that way between spouses. 'When one parent is always attending to the child, romantic and emotional intimacy between partners can suffer, which may create tension or disconnect in the relationship,' notes Dr. Hafeez.
The expert also points out that certain aspects of attachment parenting, such as extended breastfeeding and bed-sharing, might be misunderstood and criticized by others. For what it's worth, I didn't practice attachment parenting in its purest form with my kids (they were both sleep trained) but I did breastfeed them both for over two years and there were definitely people in my orbit who found that weird. Bottom line: if you go the full-blown attachment parenting route, you can probably expect at least one member of your extended family to scoff at you a little.
Pros and cons aside, the expert points out that this parenting style simply might not be doable for everyone. 'Single parents, working parents, or those without strong support systems may find the demands of attachment parenting unrealistic,' explains Dr. Hafeez, adding that 'the time and energy required can be a significant barrier.' If you're interested in attachment parenting and have an arrangement that's conducive to it, then, by all means, give it a shot. In order to decide whether or not it's right for you, you should first consider the unique needs and limitations of your family. And keep in mind that if it feels like too big a burden for you to adhere to completely, there's no harm in borrowing any and all of the ideas you can realistically apply and leaving the rest behind. From my experience, there's no perfect parenting dogma you can find.
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