Mum and dad share heartbreaking story to help Red Nose Australia

News.com.au

a day ago

A mother has revealed the devastating moment she had to give birth to her son knowing she'd only get to spend one day with her newborn son.
Australian couple Lauran and Alex were very much in the 'if it happens, it happens' camp when they discovered they were expecting baby Theo four months before their wedding.
At their wedding, Lauren was 18 weeks pregnant with Theo and two weeks later the couple had the routine 20 week scan.
'I got a call from the doctor with my ultrasound results. She said everything seemed to be fine [ …] but his kidneys were looking a little bit larger than they should at this stage of the pregnancy,' Lauran told news.com.au.
'She said it was a totally normal thing that could show up on an ultrasound. He might have just needed to empty his bladder at the time.'
But the doctor decided to refer the couple for another scan at 28 weeks. The conversation raised some concern for the first-time parents, but given the way doctors were treating it, and the large gap between scans, they weren't overly worried. Lauran said up until that point it had been a pretty 'cruisy' pregnancy.
She said as things progressed over the next eight weeks, she was told Theo would settle into his own routine — for instance, it was expected he would kick at the same time each day. Lauran was also told her placenta was at the front so she wouldn't feel her baby moving as much. She did feel small kicks during that time, which also reassured her.
'During that eight weeks, everything that I thought I felt appeared to be normal because of how much they emphasised the routine and being told I wouldn't feel much movement due to the anterior placenta,' she said.
'It's good they give you that information, but it's also not very helpful when you haven't experienced a pregnancy before and there is something wrong.'
At the 28-week scan, the family received the devastating news that Theo likely wouldn't survive if he was born.
The couple were sent to the foetal medicine unit at a different hospital for this ultrasound, initially not realising it was where high risk pregnancies were often sent.
'When we entered the room there was a doctor in the room with the stenographer as well, and that's when we both thought it was unusual,' she said.
'She was scanning for a while, and we just remember her asking if we knew why we were there.'
Alex said on the big screen where the ultrasound was being displayed he just remembered seeing big black empty spaces the couple hadn't seen before during Theo's three previous ultrasounds.
'I just remember thinking, 'That can't be good',' Alex said.
It was explained that Theo's kidney problem had gotten worse, and the specialist came in 10 minutes later to speak to the couple. They said it felt like forever, and thought worst case scenario, Theo might need to have a kidney donated or be on dialysis when he was born.
The specialist did another ultrasound.
'When he finished, he did this big sigh and said, 'let's have a chat.' As soon as he said that, we knew it wasn't good news,' Lauran recalled.
It was explained there was a blockage between Theo's kidneys and his bladder, so he wasn't able to pass urine at this time or swallow any amniotic fluid. They then said that Theo's kidneys and bladder were 'basically destroyed'. It was further explained that the amniotic fluid is essentially swallowed, then passed as urine and that process is repeated over and over so that babies can practice using their lungs.
'It's basically this big chain reaction effect of everything being underdeveloped. There was very little amniotic fluid in the sac, so it meant he was stuck in one spot the entire time. His legs were all squished and deformed as well,' Alex said.
'The doctor said if Theo was to be born, it wouldn't be compatible with life.'
Lauran broke down into tears and Alex squeezed her tight as the specialist, who the couple called 'incredibly kind', explained their options. This included to continue with the pregnancy and spend some time with Theo while he was alive — not knowing how long that would be but the little boy would be in a massive amount of pain. The second option was, once Theo was born he would be taken and doctors could do everything they could to try and help him. The third option — which they were told most couples in this situation chose — was to interrupt the pregnancy and have Theo be born not alive.
Alex said it was pretty clear that there would be nothing doctors could do if Theo was born, and in order to not put Lauran through 12 weeks of pain to essentially be a life support machine, there was no choice. The couple decided to spare both Theo and Lauran the pain after thinking through their options.
'We were left in this room and we took turns crying our eyes out,' Alex said.
It was a Friday on a long weekend, and the couple left the hospital the most 'fragile, husks' of people. Their life had been turned upside down in a matter minutes, and they just sat in silence not knowing how to function. They broke the news to their families, who rushed to be by their side from other states.
The following Friday, the procedure took place to stop Theo's heart. Lauran had to carry him in the womb for another two days following that before being induced. After Theo was delivered, the couple had an entire day and night with him. Photos were taken of Theo and his parents thanks to Heartfelt, a volunteer organisation that takes photos of stillborn babies. He was kept in a cool cot to stop him from deteriorating.
'It's horrible having to think, you want to cuddle your child as much possible but you need to also keep them cool because you don't want to see them deteriorate,' Lauran said. 'It was a lot.'
Lauran, Alex and their parents had a moment to celebrate Theo at a nature park where the couple spent a lot of time during the pregnancy. A small plaque was also added.
'We've made it Theo's park that we visit all the time. We have his garden, it's more like an ornament garden, and we get a special ornament for his birthday or Christmases,' she said.
Friends and family also add to the ornaments, often purchasing a little something for Theo when they travel. It's the way they keep Theo's memory alive, and let Lauran and Alex know they are thinking of him. There are pictures of Theo around the house, and Lauran created a journal to write a letter to Theo every year on his birthday. The journal is available for other parents going through a similar experience to purchase, with Theo's story inside — another way for the couple to keep his memory alive.
The family – who has since welcomed another baby, a little girl named Melanie – just celebrated Theo's second birthday in June. Lauran said during her pregnancy with Melanie, she was plagued by a constant fear of everything that could go wrong. Lauran said it was an anxiety-filled nine months.
Alex and Lauran are sharing their story in honour of Red Nose Day, which takes place on August 28. Red Nose Day is designed to raise funds for Red Nose Australia, which helps support parents who have been through sudden and unexpected death of infants and children.
The couple revealed between Theo's ultrasound and the procedure to stop his heart, they met with the hospital social worker who introduced them to Red Nose Australia.
'She spoke about the Hospital to Home program, which is where they connect you with a Red Nose bereavement support worker,' Lauran said.
'I knew about Red Nose, but mostly the safe sleep portion of it. I didn't know they did bereavement work until I was in the situation where I needed it.'
The day after coming home from the hospital, the couple had their first Zoom sit down. Lauran called the experience validating, because the support workers often experience loss.
'It made us feel normal,' she said.
After the Hospital to Home program, the couple opted to see another bereavement counsellor from their state that was also through Red Nose. This was because they knew they wanted to try again for Theo's sibling, and they knew they would need support due to the anxiety and fear the pregnancy would create. They stopped this process around Theo's second birthday, as there are limited spots and they wanted another family to get a place.
'Our transition on bringing Lanie in the world — we wouldn't have been able to do that without Red Nose and their support — having someone to support us and validate us through our grief,' Lauran said.
The funds raised during Red Nose Day helps provide around the clock support services through the Red Nose's 24/7 Grief and Loss Support Line, provide education for new parents and helps fund vital research that helps uncover the cause of infant deaths.
This year, there will be the 'Red, Set, Go!' 3km-a-Day Challenge throughout August, and people are encouraged to host a fundraiser, shop merchandise and donate.