I'm being punished by my children for my husband's sneaky affair with another man – our daughter said I'm pathetic

Scottish Sun

2 days ago

DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband lied to me for years, conducting a sneaky affair right under my nose. When I revealed that I'd seen concrete evidence (sexual and emotional messages) he left.
There was no apology, no explanation and I was left to pick up the pieces, while trying to protect our three children.
I've done everything humanly possible to prioritise my family but now that I've met someone new, someone I've really fallen for, I'm being punished and even blamed for the breakdown of our family.
Recently, I mentioned that I'd asked my new partner, who I've been with for four months, to stay over. My daughter's reaction completely blindsided me.
She told me our relationship was revolting, and I was a pathetic mother. She says her father left because of me.
The fact is after 22 years of marriage he left to live with his boyfriend. How can any woman compete with that?!
I'm 47 with two sons aged 16 and 18. My daughter is 22.
My sons freaked out when my ex told them he was gay and, although my daughter was upset, she stayed in touch with him.
I've been friendly with a colleague for years but earlier this year, after leaving his wife, he asked me on a date.
We became closer and now we're unbelievably happy, but my sons don't approve.
My daughter was worse. She called me all sorts of names.
I've promised them I'll support them no matter what, but there's no way they can tell me what to do in my own home.
Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
DEIDRE SAYS: Your children have had to adapt to a lot in recent years, first their dad leaves, then they discover he's gay.
Lashing out at you feels easier and safer than their dad because you are still living with them and, as a mum, you are less likely to reject them.
They now have to contend with your new relationship. This is a lot of upheaval and change for your children to process.
Talk to them all together and tell them you understand how difficult the last two years have been. Make sure you acknowledge their feelings but don't apologise for your new relationship.
To stay close to them, make an extra effort to spend time with them, doing things they enjoy. In time they will come to see that your new partner isn't a threat to their relationship with you.
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STAMMER IS GETTING IN THE WAY OF FINDING LOVE
DEAR DEIDRE: MY stammer makes it hard to socialise after my relationship with my long-term girlfriend ended three years ago.
I have lost all of my confidence, and my speech doesn't help. I don't think I will ever find anyone else who wants to be with me because of the stilted way I talk.
I am a 33-year-old male. I wasn't born with it. It came on in my teens when I was shy and it never disappeared. I have a decent job and my own house. Financially I have a good future ahead of me.
I had a great group of mates, but they are all married and have kids now.
People always say I am good-looking which is all very well, but I know the way I speak puts girls right off.
Would a girl really be OK with marrying somebody like me who struggles to get their words out?
DEIDRE SAYS: Of course. If your stammer came on during your teens it suggests it's a confidence issue.
You can work on boosting your self-confidence and these days there is so much more understanding of treating people with a stammer.
You can find support and details of therapy and courses through the British Stammering Association (stamma.org/get-support, 0808 802 0002).
If you try online dating, be honest with any girl about your stammer from the start – I think you will find most will be understanding.
Give your mates a call too, married men need to get out sometimes.
ROMANCE DEAD NOW HE'S CARER
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend consistently puts his grandmother before me.
She has recently had a heart attack and was in hospital for a fortnight, but is now living with my boyfriend's mum since being discharged.
My boyfriend's mum looks after her during the day and my boyfriend and his sister take turns to be with her overnight.
My boyfriend only sleeps a couple of nights a week at his own house.
I am 32 and my boyfriend is 34. We have been together for a year.
At first I had no choice but to accept this situation, because I wanted us to live together and develop our relationship. But I had no idea that it was going to put such a strain on me and our relationship.
We are hardly seeing one another, and I spend most of my evenings at home alone.
My boyfriend has talked to his mum, and she agrees that it is difficult for everyone – but never comes up with a solution or does anything about it.
I am wondering whether to give my boyfriend an ultimatum, put up with it and hope things change or end the relationship – something I don't want to do. Is being his priority too much to ask?
DEIDRE SAYS: Your boyfriend's family clearly love his grandmother very much and want to ensure she makes a full recovery in their care. But if it is becoming too great a strain on the family in the long term, they can seek advice through Carers UK (carersuk.org, 0808 808 7777).
Rather than issue an ultimatum, which is meaningless unless you are prepared to follow through, give your boyfriend your support rather than resent him. He will feel closer to you, and it shows that you care.
Why not arrange to go with him now and again. It may help to witness how vital his help is.
TALKING DIRTY TO ME IS NOT ENOUGH
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN she's tipsy my girlfriend talks a good talk, instructing me to get her excited and horny, but then we get home and absolutely nothing happens.
She has no sex drive whatsoever.
She hardly ever wants me to touch her or go near her, let alone actually have sex. It has been like this for ages.
I am 22 and my girlfriend is 21. We have been together for almost a year. We have a great relationship apart from when it comes to sex.
When I try to talk to her about it she says she goes through times like this and it can last for months at a time.
She says she wants to please me and occasionally we will have fantastic, passionate sex, but over the last month or two it has been disastrous. I am trying to be patient with her, but I am becoming frustrated.
My mates are having loads of sex with their girlfriends and I'd love to be doing the same. I don't know what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: You love her so try to get to the bottom of this. There is clearly an issue so tell her you want to help.
It may be a hormonal issue if she knows that this pattern can sometimes last for months.
Suggest she talks it over with the FPA Helpline (fpa.org.uk, 0300 123 7123) if she is taking hormonal contraception.
My support pack, If She Doesn't Want Sex, has more helpful advice.