Alcohol has made my soulmate a monster - I sleep with defence spray

Metro

6 days ago

I was head over heels in love. I felt like the luckiest woman alive.
Greg* and I met through friends and immediately hit it off. I fell for his humour, kindness, and the sex was amazing.
After 18 months, he proposed, and as I walked up the aisle to see him standing by the altar, I believed 100% I was looking at my soulmate.
Cut to present day, 25 years on, and I'm holding a bag of frozen peas against the side of my jaw.
The driver of the taxi I ordered is giving me a hug and asking what he can do to help. He's called the police and I've called 111.
My jaw has an unnatural overbite and I'm worried it's broken. My upper teeth feel odd, like I need to push them back up to stop them falling out, which I do.
The driver suggests I move the frozen peas to the other side of my jaw as a bruise is coming up. There's a chip in my tooth and a small amount of blood coming from my mouth.
I like to think I can handle most things. I had breast cancer and a fairly high pressure job, but this isn't a situation I thought I'd ever find myself in.
The man I loved has become an alcoholic and a monster.
While the taxi driver and I lock ourselves in the house, waiting for the police, my husband is staggering around the garden, clenching and unclenching his fist; he's looking as if he can't understand why it feels uncomfortable.
'Because you punched me in the face!', I want to shout.
I broke my foot three weeks ago while doing an errand, so when Greg came for me, I couldn't run. I never thought I'd need to run from him.
A year before, I'd asked for a separation. I so desperately wanted Greg to still be the same man I'd married, but over 20 years alcohol gradually changed Greg into someone neither my four children nor I recognised.
In our twenties, thirties and even forties, we did have conversations where I told him he was drinking too much, but alcohol was a part of our social scene and so he'd bat away my concerns, telling me he could stop whenever he wanted.
Then things worsened during Covid. We started finding bottles of rum, beer and wine hidden under bushes in the garden, and bottle openers in the car.
My jaw has an unnatural overbite and I'm worried it's broken. My upper teeth feel odd, like I need to push them back up to stop them falling out, which I do
I found out in 2022 that he had spent most of our marriage hiding another life from me. One of alcohol, massage parlours and God knows what else.
I tried to keep the separation mature; I mistakenly believed that you could have a reasonable and amicable break up from an alcoholic while living under the same roof.
But in the last six months, things have become intolerable. He started leaving soiled underwear in the wash basket for me to clean and dripped port stains over the cream carpet. He was – thankfully caught – drink driving.
He tells me I haven't worked in 25 years – despite my successful career – and all I'm good for is putting the wash on. He calls me the C-word.
He's become misogynistic and told our son that 'women aren't worth it – they're bitches'.
One in 4 women will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives
ONS research revealed that, in 2023, the police recorded a domestic abuse offence approximately every 40 seconds
Yet Crime Survey for England & Wales data for the year ending March 2023 found only 18.9% of women who experienced partner abuse in the last 12 months reported the abuse to the police
According to Refuge, 84% of victims in domestic abuse cases are female, with 93% of defendants being male
Safe Lives reports that disabled women are twice as likely to experience domestic abuse as non-disabled women, and typically experience domestic abuse for a longer period of time before accessing support
Refuge has also found that, on average, it takes seven attempts before a woman is able to leave for good.
Our children don't deserve any of this and yet he's caused them so much hurt. One of our children, in his mid teens, came home alone after heading out with Greg for a 'fun' father-son night out, because his father was too drunk.
Worse still, he found provocative pictures on his dad's phone of girls who look just a couple of years older than him. He no longer wants to talk to Greg.
On the day of the attack, we finally had a viewing on the house we've been trying to sell since our marriage ended. We'd dropped the price twice and been told that this was a 'hot buyer'.
Just 20 minutes before our estate agent was due to arrive, and my cab was supposed to arrive to take me to a friend's birthday, I found Greg unconscious on the lawn, having knocked over a football post.
I bent over, shaking his chin side-to-side, calling his name.
He sat bolt upright, took a deep breath and said 'you hit me'. Despite telling him I didn't, he got up and pushed me.
As I walked backwards, reminding him that my foot was broken, I saw his fist clenched by his side. I didn't recognise the look in his eyes. They weren't dead, they just didn't care what happened next.
At this moment I told myself that he'd never hit me. He was always so shocked by the idea of a man hitting a woman.
I can't remember the fist coming towards me, but I remember feeling it. My jaw juddering, then another hit to the left of my chin.
The worst part is that he didn't stop. He carried on walking towards me, looking eerily calm. He stumbled forwards and went to hit me again.
I managed to out-pace him, making it into the house, when the estate agent turned up with the viewer. I stood there, shaking hands and introducing myself as my jaw opened and closed, feeling like it belonged to someone else.
I can't remember the fist coming towards me, but I remember feeling it. My jaw juddering, then another hit to the left of my chin
Greg disappeared into the nearby woods, and as the viewing finished, the taxi driver arrived. We locked ourselves in the house before my husband reappeared in the garden.
Greg was put on bail, but he broke the conditions of not entering the family home four days after they were set. He came in, and thankfully a friend was staying with me.
God know what he would have done if she hadn't been there. One of the arresting police officers had told me to keep my phone close by in case I needed to film anything or call 999. So I started filming him and the look he gave me was one of complete hatred.
The crazy thing is that he is living very close by, a decision made by the custody sergeant.
He is so close that he can watch me from his kitchen window, which he does.
Two days ago I was told by an apologetic sergeant that bail conditions were going to be dropped and the case closed as there were no witnesses to Greg punching me, and it was his first offence. He'll be able to enter the family home again in three days' time.
My hope lies in the emergency injunction Non-Molestation and Occupation Order the National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) put together for me – and thank God they did – which is being reviewed in the county court as I write this. These will stop him harassing me, and also prevent him entering the house.
The GP and my daughter's therapist have written statements, both voicing their concern for mine and my children's safety.
I have contacted the GP, but in this country an alcoholic needs to ask for help before it can be given, despite studies estimating 25%-50% of domestic abuse is alcohol related.
If you are experiencing domestic abuse, you are not alone. And whether you are currently coping with or have made the decision to leave, you do have options. If you are thinking about leaving, domestic abuse charity Refuge suggests starting a record of abusive incidents, which might include saving pictures or messages, or making notes of times, dates and details of incidents.
The next step is to make copies of important documents such as court orders, marriage certificates, National Insurance Numbers and your driving licence.
In the meantime, identify the safer areas of your home so that you know where to go if your abuser becomes aggravated. Ideally, this should be a room with a phone and a door or window to the outside.
If you feel ready to leave, start by making a plan for a safe, reliable route out. If you feel safe to do so, pack an emergency bag so that you leave in a hurry if needed.
You can access a local refuge, either with or without children, for as long as you need to stay. The address is confidential. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247) is open 24-hours a day and has all the details of refuges in your area.
In an emergency situation, ring 999 and ask for the police. If you aren't able to talk, try the Silent Solution: after dialling 999, listen to the questions from the operator and respond by coughing or tapping your device, if possible. If prompted, press 55 to let the operator know it's an emergency – you'll be put through to the police.
Read more here.
I have tried to keep the details hidden from the younger children, but my eldest is brilliant, as are my friends. I can't describe the depth of gratitude I feel towards everyone who's tried to help Greg and supported me in the last week.
But I am scared that things will escalate, especially once he is allowed near me again. More Trending
For now, I will keep my doors and the windows locked and defence spray by my bedside table.
I want other people to know who might be on this road, to act now, before things get worse, call the NCDV, log it, and if possible film or record every example of verbal or physical abuse with the police, talk to charities who can help you look at your options.
I am going to continue to email, call, message whoever I need to, to protect myself and my children, because I am determined I will not be a radio soundbite about someone let down by an overstretched system that allows perpetrators to decide either to walk away, or continue their cycle of abuse.
*Name has been changed
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