Celebrity marriages are hard — Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce better be careful
June's approaching. We're talking sex, aggravations, pre-nups. There's been tiny news dribbles about Earth's hot temp couple 'Traylor' — Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. Could TayTay and TraTra go maybe ta-ta?
It's back to those old Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky days. And waiting in the wings now is always Jennifer Lopez — age 60ish flexible — with her swash & wear wedding gown, cooked rice and readiness to maybe leap onto No. 5. Her chorus — marriage/not marriage — includes Ben Affleck, Ojani Noa, Alex Rodriguez, Sean Combs, Drake, Marc Anthony, Cris Judd — and possibly a partridge in a pear tree.
Real fantasy aisle
Marriage is difficult with celebrities. His & hers swimming pools? Prescription glass windows? Bath tubs with 14-karat rings? Live-in psychiatrists? Say an actress is 56. The studio says 47. She claims 38. Her bosom's 42.
Their astrologer sanctioned this union. They'll marry after this husband's bar mitzvah because the stars are right. Everything's arranged. Her manager will give her away — and they'll live near his school. The good news? This newest husband is rich. A Gucci Christmas tree?
Traveling to wherever Meghan found her temp prince, their agent is considered carry-on.
Problems start after the honeymoon. Following a hard day nibbling some teenage actress' bosom in a close-up, the actor husband comes home and needs coffee. So? So the actress wife should get up from her pedicure and make coffee? I mean, please. They're already only married three weeks and she hasn't even had her cuticles done.
Wow, it's true love
Press people have already set magazine stories. Like: 'We love to stay home and watch our step children.' Their neurotic delinquents who've had assorted parents from many marriages are used to cops & robbers with real cops & robbers.
Problem is, this was really no union made in love. It was strictly p.r. Starts with 'secretly' dating. The romance supposedly 'hidden.' Nobody but their psychiatrists know. Then friends are told. Next they creep out for photos. Magazine stories follow. So do lawyers.
All about the look
Some layouts are legit. Like one where the he-man husband is photo'd wrangling with a leopard. I mean, please. The real staged action happened in Malibu as he tangled with a chihuahua and lost his hairpiece in the sand while taking cues from the off-screen animal trainer.
The wife's 'I'm really a homebody' stories are misleading. And 'Oh, what a cook she is' the husband squeaks. For those shots of her at the stove the pros need an interior decorator, makeup man, hairdresser, dance teacher, professional chef, p.r. person, food taster and long lens.
After they get their shots, the pros leave while the husband rushes out to play with his Legos.
Me — I look forward to someday congratulating both TayTay and TraTra in their new tutus.
Listen, happens I know many people have money to burn. Why not? If they live in Manhattan it's cheaper to burn than gas.
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.
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