Millennial Parents Are Sharing The Things They Really, Really Wish Their Boomer Parents Understood
Some boomers may mock today's touchy-feely gentle parenting, but these trends have grown out of insight into child development and the impact of childhood trauma. Many parents today believe that if you want to raise kind, respectful kids, you start by treating them with kindness and respect.
A changed economic landscape means parents are also under more financial pressure. The cost of childcare continues to rise, with the average cost of a week of daycare going up 13% between 2022 and 2024. Families today are spending an average of 24% of their income on childcare — that's more than triple the 7% the Department of Health and Human Services considers affordable.
This problem, along with parents working longer hours and spending more time caring for their children, makes it no surprise that parents' mental health is suffering. Back in August, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory on parental mental health, citing 'an intensifying culture of comparison' among the stressors weighing on parents, causing them to report significantly higher rates of stress than adults without children.
Today's parents are certainly looking for support wherever they can find it, online or within their own families. Oftentimes, grandparents want to be helpful but may struggle with all the ways parenting has changed since they raised their children.
We asked millennial parents to tell us what they wish their parents understood. Here's what they had to say.
Times have changed.
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'The world is a different place from when we were raised, so parenting has to be different. The mental load is crazy, and usually both parents need to work, so the 'traditional' family life most of us grew in is obsolete (for the majority). The comments of 'when you were young,' no matter how well-meaning, add to the parental guilt of not being available for your child 100% of the time as a mother or not being able to provide financially by yourself as a father, and it really hurts.' — Lesley Cox
'Millennials are navigating a different world when it comes to financial instability, work-life balance and social media pressures. It genuinely is harder being a parent now, especially when it comes to costs compared to back in the day, even accounting for inflation. Childcare expenses are astronomical and add to stress. Millennials wish their parents understood that raising kids today comes with different economic, social and cultural challenges and that comparison to the 'way things were' can feel invalidating.' — Dr. Mona Amin
We expect an equal partnership.
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'A lot of boomer people, they're so amazed at our partners and how much they participate in child rearing. They're like, 'Oh my gosh, they're just the best dad!' And I have a great husband, and he is a great dad, but it's like, yeah, because he does the same things I do. I'm a great mom, too. But there's so many kudos toward men, which I just think is funny. Their generation, she's like, 'Your dad didn't change a single darn diaper.' Well, I would not have let that fly. That's insane. I'm just calling her out on it: 'No, mom, this is called a partnership. He doesn't get a party because he's doing what is expected.'' — Taylor Wolfe
Sometimes you need to expand the village.
'I've noticed that my parents understand the importance of being and providing a 'village' to help me with my children and family. I do wish though that they understood that all help doesn't always have to come from the family. Sometimes, to allow for everyone in the family to rest, hired help may be needed. It could be a nanny, babysitter or daycare. My parents feel that I shouldn't pay for the help if they're around. The issue is that, just like my husband and I, our parents need a break, and we respect that. If we have the means and access to outside help, it's a huge privilege and an added expense that's worth it. Responsibilities can be shared without guilt.' — Mya Morenzoni
'I wish my parents knew that we have to parent so much differently than they did back in the day. We have to parent with paid help, whether that's a nanny or au pair. The village is available, but at a cost.' — Natalie Robinson
We speak openly about mental health.
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'Many millennials prioritize their own mental health and their children's emotional well-being, embracing therapy, mindfulness and open communication about mental health. They want their parents to recognize that mental health is not a taboo topic but an integral part of raising happy, resilient kids.' — Dr. Mona Amin
More is expected of us.
'One of the biggest struggles seems to be getting my parents to understand that things that were 'good enough' or 'fine' for me or my siblings aren't good enough anymore. From food to schoolwork to sports/extracurriculars and even what they're watching ... there's just a lot more involvement. And the crazy thing is that it's also somewhat expected that millennial parents will be overly involved in their kids' lives.' — Christina Rincon
We place a high value on experiences.
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'We're focused on creating life-long memories for and with our kids. Prioritizing vacations with and without kids is just as important as anything else in life.' — Natalie Robinson
We respect our children and give them autonomy.
'One thing that I wish that our parents understood is that we treat our children with respect and we understand that they are humans who are allowed to express their emotions. I think the best way to teach children to be respectful people is to give them that respect. That means allowing them to express their emotions and also to apologize to our kids if there's a situation where I feel like maybe I handled it incorrectly. How can I get upset about my children not regulating their emotions if I can't always be expected to regulate mine? So my kids are allowed to have bad days. They're allowed to say, 'Mama, I don't agree.' They're allowed to choose who they want to hug and who they don't want to hug. Those are the tough conversations we have had with our parents because how they want to parent our kids is not the same. In the moment, I'm not going to disagree with my mom or my in-laws, but it is a conversation after the fact: 'Hey, you know how you responded in this moment? I'm not calling my child a crybaby. I'm not telling them to stop crying, to suck it up. We're using different language.'' — Jamilla Svansson-Brown
Responses have been lightly edited for clarity and length. This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
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