Grown-Ass Men Reveal The Moment They Knew They Were A 'Manchild'

Yahoo

4 days ago

At the edge of a high school track, I watched my 11-year-old son Thomas' face drop as the announcer read out the long jump results. His event was already over. I'd asked his twin brother, Charlie, to check the meet schedule, and he'd given me the wrong time. I'd trusted an 11-year-old with something that was my responsibility as the adult.
Thomas had trained for months. Now he stood there, trying not to cry, while other kids celebrated. What hit hardest wasn't just that Thomas missed his event. It was that I'd let both of my sons down.
One missed an important event he'd trained for. The other was left carrying the blame. And both of those outcomes were on me.
That moment revealed a pattern I was reluctant to face. Even though I was divorced with 50/50 custody, I often treated parenting as a task I could delegate. I was trying too hard to be liked. I wanted to be the fun dad, not the firm one — and that meant avoiding some of the more mundane or difficult responsibilities. I kept acting like their friend when what my kids needed was a responsible adult.
What I was doing is known as being a 'manchild,' a term used to describe men who avoid responsibility at home through procrastination, deflection or feigned ignorance. Men often say they are 'just not good at multitasking' or that their partner is 'better at organizing,' but the outcome is the same. One person ends up doing the emotional and logistical heavy lifting while the other waits for direction.
This dynamic I experienced reflects a broader cultural conversation about men avoiding responsibility. Sabrina Carpenter's viral summer hit 'Manchild,' which has inspired dances, discourse and social media buzz, calls out grown men behaving like children. Though aimed at a past relationship, the song echoes a broader frustration with men dodging responsibility at home.
The pattern of feigned ignorance is familiar to family therapists. 'They pretend they aren't aware of things that most people with kids would have on their radar, like needing a teacher gift at the end of school,' Bonnie Scott, a licensed professional counselor at Mindful Kindness Counseling, told HuffPost.
These habits can follow men for years, but some are forced to grow up fast.
When Man-Children Are Responsible For Real Children
Rene Garcia, now the owner and lead clinician at Garcia Mental Health, learned he was going to be a father at 23 while still in college.
'My first daughter was unplanned, and I had not graduated from college yet. I desperately wanted to be a support for her and felt powerless on how to do so.' Garcia's biggest challenge was confronting his inconsistency. 'I'm awesome at goal setting, but following through is different. You become unreliable and someone people don't trust. This destroys relationships with kids and partners.'
The deeper issue was internal: 'Change makes you challenge things in yourself you have purposefully pushed down, possibly out of protection. What pushed me was wanting to stop the same patterns from happening over and over again.'
He was confronting parts of himself he had ignored for years, and the cost of continuing old patterns had become impossible to ignore.
While Garcia's awakening came through early parenthood, other men face their limitations during crisis. Thomas Westerholtz, a therapist and father, experienced his turning point when his son was diagnosed with a rare and life-limiting medical condition.
'When your child is fighting for their life, you can't hide behind performance. I realized I was 'doing' a lot — working, showing up — but not always emotionally present with my family. I wasn't holding space for fear, grief or everyday vulnerability.'
'I used to quietly assume my partner would manage the emotional temperature of the household, birthdays, school forms, noticing when our kid was off. I wasn't actively avoiding it, but I wasn't owning it either. That left her burnt out and feeling alone.'
When It's Time To Grow Up
For men ready to change course, the hardest question they need to ask themselves, according to parenting psychologist Reena B. Patel, is whether they get defensive when asked to take responsibility.
'That defensiveness is usually a sign that you know you're not pulling your weight,' she said. Other warning signs include expecting partners to handle the majority of emotional labor and avoiding tasks until someone else steps in.
Scott said the first step is uncomfortable but simple: 'Approach your partner and say, 'I want to make sure I'm doing my part in managing our life together. Could we sit together and talk about something like the weekly schedule?'' The goal isn't to take over but to participate with genuine interest.
Planning was Garcia's breakthrough: 'PLAN! I never used to plan anything. Now, if I don't write it down or put it on my calendar, it won't happen.'
Letting go of pride was the first hurdle Westerholtz had to face.
'Feeling useless at first' was the hardest part, he said. 'Vulnerability isn't something most men are trained in. I had to learn not to jump to fixing, but to actually be with pain or mess: my own and others'.'
Westerholtz now checks in weekly with his partner and uses a shared calendar with reminders like 'pack lunch' and 'doctor follow-up.'
'Visibility equals responsibility,' he said.
These changes have brought broader impacts. 'There's less resentment. More tenderness. My partner doesn't have to mother me, and that makes space for partnership,' Westerholtz said.
The change has also shaped how their son understands masculinity: 'I also see my son learning not just how to survive, but how to be a man who feels, apologizes, and holds others with care.'
Consistency became the turning point in Garcia's relationship with his daughter, but it required moving beyond traditional activities.
'Being intentional with our time, and not just taking her to dinners or baseball games, but getting to know her personally, has built a relationship between us that is indescribable,' Garcia said. When Garcia volunteered as a WATCH D.O.G. (Dads of Great Students), seeing his daughter light up when he showed up for lunch made her feel supported at school and among friends.
What Kind Of Man Do You Want To Be?
These fathers are consciously breaking generational patterns. For Westerholtz, this transformation meant redefining what it means to be a man for his son. 'Before, I think I believed being a man meant protecting, fixing and staying strong. Now I think it's about being present, especially when things are messy.'
He tells his son it's OK to feel scared or sad, and that real strength means talking about emotions instead of shutting down: 'We talk about emotions like weather. They pass, but you don't need to pretend it's sunny when it's not.'
This shift in emotional openness extends beyond family. In his male friendships, Westerholtz brings the same vulnerability. 'It used to be all banter and distraction, surface-level. But when I started being real about how hard things were with my son's health, I found that most men were relieved. Like they'd been waiting for someone to go first.' As he puts it: 'Vulnerability invites connection, not just with our partners, but with our mates too.'
Patel notes that children benefit directly when fathers develop emotional maturity. 'They model respect, empathy and resilience skills that their children will carry into adulthood. Partners also feel more supported, less stressed and free to be individuals, not caretakers for another adult.'
The 'manchild' label stings because it highlights a gap between how men see themselves and how they actually show up. Like Garcia and Westerholtz, I'm learning to show up differently for my sons. I need to be a father who is sometimes a friend, not a friend who is sometimes a father. That track meet taught me the hard way. Now, I check every appointment, every schedule, every exam and essay due date. Nothing has been missed since.
My sons are 18 now, and my habit of double-checking everything still annoys them. But I would rather that than let them down again.
As Westerholtz put it: 'You're not less of a man for softening. You're just becoming less of a boy.'
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