Carolyn Hax: As parents jockey for the last word, their 10-year-old tunes out
Hi, Carolyn: My husband and I often come at subjects from different angles, so when one of us tries to explain something to our 10-year-old, the other sometimes chimes in with corrections or additional information. This quickly becomes overwhelming to Kiddo, and they begin to tune out.
I've been trying to stop my part in it, but my husband continues to correct me and overwhelms Kiddo to the point that Kiddo doesn't want to ask their dad questions.
When I've brought this up to Husband, his response is, 'Why wouldn't you want our kid to know these things?'
It's reached a point where I feel angry because he thinks he's the only person who's right about anything, and I'm worried what will happen when Kiddo gets a little older and begins tween/teen parental tune-out in earnest.
How can I proceed from here?
— Serially Corrected
Serially Corrected: He: 'Why wouldn't you want our kid to know these things?'
You: 'I do want that. But piling on facts leads to Kiddo shutdown. You're perceptive, I'm sure you see it.' Yes, vanity manipulation. I'm a pragmatist, not a saint. 'Which means the more we tell Kiddo, the less Kiddo knows. [Pause.] So, how 'bout we work together on more effective communication?'
This is a narrow script for your stated purpose because you're stuck until he agrees on the tuning out. But the real issue is that your marriage is oriented more toward winning against each other than winning together as parents.
Yours is a perceptive first step. But you see why it's not enough: It allows your husband to misread (ignore, miss) your intentions and keep piling on solo. Ergo, your kid not only tunes out but also watches one parent negate the other on a regular basis. Unhealthy for Kiddo, krazy-bait for you.
So work toward a mutual-respect arrangement, well before you're in these conversations. Maybe you and he alternate as lead talker. Or you agree to agree with something the other said before adding to it. Regardless, set an attention-span timer and wrap up when it dings.
And get into this habit, especially as Kiddo gets older: 'We've talked a lot. Your turn.'
The foundation each rests on is mutual agreement to prioritize your child's emotional health over getting the last word. Insist on it.
Without this, one of you (presumably you) essentially concedes on everything — not okay. Or, you deliberately guide Kiddo in your husband's absence, or he in yours — also not okay. Or you start venturing into irreconcilable differences.
And this is all before the matter of objective truth. When you voiced your initial concern to your husband, he spun it into something unrecognizable — except possibly as gaslighting.
If this is typical, and if such marital miscommunications typically derail your child-rearing, then counseling comes next. Parenting classes, too, if he's receptive.
Readers' thoughts:
· Congratulations! You married my dad! (Great guy, but, yeah, some quirks.)
I'm guessing your husband doesn't have a great handle on cues that the other person isn't absorbing the information: fidgeting, eyes glazed, etc.
The ONLY THING that has ever worked with my dad is to talk to him about this overall pattern not in the moment, and then point out when it's happening *in* the moment. He doesn't notice on his own.
· If he could see our eyes were glazing over, my dad would ask, 'Shall I go onnnn?' with a flourish. It would make us laugh and release us from listening, but also allow us the chance to say we wanted more information. It also reminded us that we didn't have to take ourselves so seriously. I use it now with my kids.
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