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Boston Globe
22-06-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
What can be done about a partner's bad moods?
If you have a naturally sunny and upbeat disposition and your partner seems naturally withdrawn and negative toward you, is it possible to change that, or must your partner want to change? Could you initiate a change in your partner's disposition on your own without deliberately discussing this with your partner? How can this be accomplished? SUNNY Related : Advertisement A. I am not a behavioral psychologist, but I have seen the movie 'Twilight,' which is about vampires with powers. I'm going to make a real point, I swear. The premise of the vampire lore in that book/movie is that vampires have special skills based on their personalities and human talents. In one case, a vampire can read minds. In another, they can cause pain just by thinking about it. One particular vampire can calm people down — change the mood of the room. What a Of course, it doesn't last long. People are people, and they'll get right back to being stressed or scared if that's how they feel. Advertisement This is my long way of saying: I don't think you can change someone else's mood. Maybe for a few minutes at a time, but it would require a lot of tap dancing — or a vampire superpower. The person in question needs to figure out why they're sad or upset. They need to know they're upsetting others and want to make a change. Worth mentioning, if I have a vampire superpower, it's that I can absorb moods. If someone is miserable, I am too, and sometimes I think whatever's happening is my fault. I've learned that in those moments, especially at home, I can give myself space. I can take a walk. I can let go of the idea of fixing the problem and do something nice on my own. If you experience this 'default mood' a lot, it's worth having a deliberate discussion about what's happening. You don't want to get to a place where you're afraid to talk about important things. You and your partner should be working on this together. If they refuse, please consider what keeps you around. MEREDITH Related : READERS RESPOND: Did Winnie the Pooh try to change Eeyore's personality into one similar to Tigger, LW? Or did he accept him as he was? AULDYIN No, you cannot change people's personalities. But more to the point, you should not be in a relationship with someone who is negative toward you all the time. ASH First, suggest they get screened for depression. If they refuse repeatedly, you may have to ask them if there is something particular that is bothering them about the relationship. If so, try hard to fix it if you can. But if they can't tell you anything fixable, or they respond with cruel or impossible suggestions, you may have to break up. If depression is ruled out or successfully treated, ask them to be honest if there is any way to fix the relationship … not them as a person, per say. Sometimes people are a temperamental mismatch. One person's 'negative personality' is another's 'clever, cynical snark,' which some people seem to like. Advertisement LITTLEPENGUIN456 I was married to someone whose default was being depressed. It was a medical condition and he was taking medication and going to counseling but it didn't seem that helpful. As someone who is generally positive, I felt like it dragged me down too. We eventually got divorced for many reasons. I don't think you can change another person just because you are more positive. You can do things that will make them happy for a while, but I think a discussion is necessary. Maybe they don't even think they are being negative. They also have to want to change. LEGALLYLIZ Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .
Boston Globe
04-05-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
I show more love than the people I date
I've gone on a number of dates with someone recently, but I feel like we may be showing up differently in our expressions of love. I think of myself as an action-based lover (I will prioritize you in my schedule, remember your favorite candies, and remember your important upcoming moments). Often, I find myself in relationships with people who are verbally validating but lack the action-based follow-through. How do I better align myself with people who share this value of actionable and tangible interest? How do I communicate that this is what I need, especially early on? I feel like I rarely make it past that third date tipping point where we have to start weighing whether we're going to start including each other in our weekly plans. A LONGING LESBIAN Advertisement A. People have talked about Love Languages here. I'm not all in on that book at all (and have plenty of criticisms of it), but I do think it's helped people notice loving actions they might have missed before. Maybe you're a better gift giver, but the person you're dating remembers stories you tell about your childhood. It's possible another person's verbal validations are actually quite lovely, but to you, they're just words. Advertisement You might consider how these people are showing affection and decide whether you could see more value in how they do it. Related : The other big thing: Some people don't dive in and show love until Date 15. Or 20. If you're wildly into someone at Date 2, giving them candies and rearranging your schedule, where can things go? That's a lot of pressure by Date 3. I get it. I am someone who has brought croissants to an early date because the person mentioned croissants. But it was a meaningless croissant — until later. At Date 3 or 5, I don't think we can call it a lack of follow-through. Maybe it's a slow burn. It's also possible this latest person isn't right for you. One way to find out: Ask how they show affection. One time I took the You have a ton of love to give, but you want to give it to the right people. If you can save it for when it's earned, you might see more in return. MEREDITH READERS RESPOND: Relationships are not transactions. Yet what you're saying is that you believe relationships are transactions, and those transactions have to be reconciled regularly so that no one person in the relationship has given more than the other. Love and relationships never require the constant balancing you so clearly desire. BIGSIGH Related : Advertisement Finding a romantic partner isn't at all similar to placing an order for a happy meal. Your letter gives a very strong impression that you feel your dates owe you something more than being pleasant company over a cup of coffee. The cart doesn't come before the horse, it comes after the horse. Saying yes to going on a date with you doesn't equate to a marriage contract. AULDYIN I think what you're saying is that you give too much and get too little. Some people feel overwhelmed by too much love too early in a relationship, and they don't trust it. You may need to learn how your loving nature affects people, and how to dial it back. You can't control how other people react to you. You can only control your own behavior. OUTOFORDER You're 22 for God's sake, have some fun! LUPELOVE Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .
Boston Globe
23-03-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
Why can't I just enjoy my husband?
Why can't I just enjoy what I have? How do I quiet the concern that I am the unlucky one? How do you be a healthy member of a relationship when your parents had such a toxic relationship? NEGATIVE Related : Advertisement A. This is so good! You know the problem and want to fix it. You didn't mention therapy in this letter. Maybe you're already seeing a mental health professional, but if not, find an appointment. A therapist can help you change patterns and put some distance between you and your parents. Call a few specialists and tell them your goals. Ask them if they're the kind of person who can help you change your perspective. This will also be about practice. For example, in my life, I want to worry less, which isn't easy. Once I jump on the hamster wheel of worry, it's hard to get off. But sometimes, instead of listing the things that could go wrong, I start reminding myself of what's gone right . Related : There are a bunch of unexpected, wonderful things that have happened in my life, and I will pass right by them and say, 'What terrible thing is coming?' But lately I've been forcing myself to stop and pay attention to the good. Sometimes I even write it all down. I get very cynical about things like gratitude journals, but there's a reason people like them. Imagine documenting a bunch of positive things about your life — and your husband. What if you were inspired to notice all that's great about him, in an organized way? Advertisement 'In many ways, it's been a great marriage.' That was one line, with no explanation. Look around for tools (like a journal) that will give you space to expand. Good for you for wanting to make things better. MEREDITH READERS RESPOND: Rather than focusing on trying to be happy, keep your focus on finding contentment and the peace that comes with that. Happiness, like joyfulness, is usually a fleeting state of mind while contentment is a more realistic outlook for the ups and downs of life. AULDYIN I was lucky to have my stepfather in my life. He just found joy in every small thing. Like an egg sandwich could make his day. He was just happy with his simple life. He never really wanted for much. I think the word is 'content.' I've always felt if I can be half as content as he was then I'm doing pretty dang good. JDROTTEN I'm not married, but I have a ton of other areas of my life where I tend to be overcritical and focus on the negative rather than the positive. In the spirit of St. Patrick's Day, there's an old Irish proverb that states: 'A good sleep and a good laugh is the cure for everything.' It's somewhat true — your personal well-being plays a big role in your attitude and perspective. Are you taking good care of yourself? PENSEUSE ^… or just start drinking earlier in the day. JDROTTEN Related : Having been a childhood victim of toxic parents, I found that imagining myself as a child and what I would do (as an adult) to help/rescue my childhood self. Use the same imagery on your husband and pick small moments to infuse positivity and validation to his 'inner child.' Advertisement AUNTTIGGYWINK Get yourself to a therapist. It doesn't have to be this way. It's hard work and will be worth it. HIKERSKIERGIRL Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .
Boston Globe
20-02-2025
- Lifestyle
- Boston Globe
I'm stubbornly independent
My plants and books are my company. Don't suggest groups or hobbies to meet folks. Doesn't work. ALONE Related : A. This question came in on Valentine's Day, so I want to address it quickly. During February, at least. Letter writer, I will not tell you to have a better attitude. I will not tell you to soften up or be less independent. I will not tell you to join a plant club to meet someone who also likes plants. (I assume that part of the appeal of plants is that they keep to themselves.) Advertisement I will suggest finding some company online . Find a local discussion forum about something you don't hate. Maybe it is a garden club — but the social media page, where people discuss projects. Then you can chat with others, but there's a boundary. If you decide you like what a certain person says, you can seek them out in small doses. This could also work with a volunteer project — something that starts online and moves into the real world. 'Small doses' is key here. There's no need to jump into full-time company. Trust me, a ton of people are in a similar position. They feel isolated but they don't know how to connect with others in a way that feels comfortable. I hope that puts you at ease a bit. If the garden club/website is too much for you, start with a more isolated group activity. I signed up for the Everyone makes it. I feel part of a larger community, even if I never see the other soup enthusiasts. It's just nice to feel part of something . I'll also say that having a friend around is nice. Again, in small doses! It might remind you that you do have platonic love around. If you have an old friend you haven't seen in forever, reach out and make it happen. Advertisement Also know this: Most people don't care about Valentine's Day. Media companies care. People selling things care. But it's not an important holiday, and there are better ones (Halloween). Please don't assume the rest of the world loves heart-shaped things. I'll eat a heart-shaped cookie, but I'll also eat that cookie if it's shaped like a snowman … or a ghost … or a car … or a blob. I just want the cookie. MEREDITH Related : READERS RESPOND: Your advice is for her to spend more time online? You must be joking. She should get out in the world. Do stuff. Go for a walk. Go to the gym. Walk through a museum. All things that are fun to do solo, and you never know — you might meet someone while you are out there living your life. LEBOWSKIISTHEDUDE It sounds like you are starting with the assumption that any relationship is a challenge or a threat to your independence, and I'm wondering if that is leading you toward the wrong relationships. USERNAMEANDPASSWORD 'I am a lonely lady, alone, even when married, grew up without affection.' To quote Rumi: 'Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find the barriers within yourself that you have built up against it.' AULDYIN Being independent doesn't have to mean shunning human contact. What I would suggest is getting therapy to find out what has made you feel the way you do and get to the bottom of how that happened. PENNYSMOM53 Advertisement You should let Mere fix you up and do a multi-episode podcast about it. Only half kidding! STRIPEY-CAT Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .
Boston Globe
05-02-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
My last relationship ended badly. How much should I divulge to future dates?
Question is: How much do I divulge if asked why it ended or if we are still amicable? (We are not.) I really do not want to explain, and I am not sure how to do it without it raising red flags. – Flags A. You can offer information when it feels right. You don't owe anybody your full story on a first date — or even a fifth. Advertisement If you want to give a short version of what happened, you can say you were in a relationship that turned into something unhealthy, which is why you're single now. That makes sense. Get Starting Point A guide through the most important stories of the morning, delivered Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Enter Email Sign Up Honestly, I don't think anyone will question why you're not in touch with your ex. Many people break up and never speak again. As you have more and more dates, know that this is about a gut feeling. Share things when you're ready, and the right people (for you) won't see this as a red flag. They'll care about you and listen. If your past turns out to be a deal-breaker for someone — or if you have a strong feeling you shouldn't open up to a person after a bunch of dates — it's not meant to be. Not everyone is a match. I hope you're not seeing your history as a mark of shame that makes you less valuable as a potential partner. I also hope you've spoken to a counselor about what you went through — and whatever feelings come with it. Everyone has a few things they're nervous to talk about on a great date. When people are open and empathetic about your history, it's a good reminder to return the favor. – Meredith READERS RESPOND My perspective would be that if I were dating, I really wouldn't care to hear much at all about my BF's past girlfriends. KIWNTERS1 Advertisement The code we use as survivors is: My ex wasn't a nice person. In all honesty, if you are less than a year out of a long-term relationship where domestic violence was a feature, I would wonder whether therapy, one-on-one or group, would be a better use of your time than dating. AULDYIN You can start with something as innocuous as 'we wanted different things.' As time goes on, you can share more about how things were unhealthy/turbulent. Any person who gets upset that you didn't share everything right away is unreasonable and entitled. BONECOLD As a fan of Court TV/true crime, I wouldn't want to date a person with a restraining order for fear of reprisals [from the ex]. I would want to know about that if our relationship became exclusive/intimate, and decide for myself about my personal safety. AUNTTIGGYWINK This is not something you need to explain. 'It wasn't the right relationship for me' covers a lot of ground. WIZEN Listen to the new season of the
