My last relationship ended badly. How much should I divulge to future dates?
– Flags
A.
You can offer information when it feels right. You don't owe anybody your full story on a first date — or even a fifth.
Advertisement
If you want to give a short version of what happened, you can say you were in a relationship that turned into something unhealthy, which is why you're single now. That makes sense.
Get Starting Point
A guide through the most important stories of the morning, delivered Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Enter Email
Sign Up
Honestly, I don't think anyone will question why you're not in touch with your ex. Many people break up and never speak again.
As you have more and more dates, know that this is about a gut feeling. Share things when you're ready, and the right people (for you) won't see this as a red flag. They'll care about you and listen.
If your past turns out to be a deal-breaker for someone — or if you have a strong feeling you shouldn't open up to a person after a bunch of dates — it's not meant to be. Not everyone is a match.
I hope you're not seeing your history as a mark of shame that makes you less valuable as a potential partner. I also hope you've spoken to a counselor about what you went through — and whatever feelings come with it.
Everyone has a few things they're nervous to talk about on a great date. When people are open and empathetic about your history, it's a good reminder to return the favor.
– Meredith
READERS RESPOND
My perspective would be that if I were dating, I really wouldn't care to hear much at all about my BF's past girlfriends. KIWNTERS1
Advertisement
The code we use as survivors is: My ex wasn't a nice person. In all honesty, if you are less than a year out of a long-term relationship where domestic violence was a feature, I would wonder whether therapy, one-on-one or group, would be a better use of your time than dating. AULDYIN
You can start with something as innocuous as 'we wanted different things.' As time goes on, you can share more about how things were unhealthy/turbulent. Any person who gets upset that you didn't share everything right away is unreasonable and entitled. BONECOLD
As a fan of Court TV/true crime, I wouldn't want to date a person with a restraining order for fear of reprisals [from the ex]. I would want to know about that if our relationship became exclusive/intimate, and decide for myself about my personal safety. AUNTTIGGYWINK
This is not something you need to explain. 'It wasn't the right relationship for me' covers a lot of ground. WIZEN
Listen to the new season of the
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Boston Globe
10-07-2025
- Boston Globe
Is it an office romance if it started with a BCC email?
My friend pointed out that I was BCC'd. My heart sank as I realized the email must have gone out to multiple other women at the same time. It seems like they were hedging their bets for a date. Should I still go on the date and confront them? Would I ever be able to find out who else received the email? ANONYMOUS Related : A. It's possible the person BCC'd just you . (Not likely, I'd think, but maybe.) Advertisement It's also possible that 10 people got that email. Regardless, if you want to date this former co-worker, why not follow up? You can ask them the most basic question: 'Can you tell me why I was BCC'd?' Maybe there's a good (or interesting) reason. Instead of filling in the gaps of this story, see what's what. Maybe they won't even respond, which would give you some closure. The thing is, if I were leaving an office and wanted to see who wanted to date me, I'd send separate emails to all of my crushes, just to make each one seem personal. One big BCC email seems like it would lead to unnecessary mess — and questions like yours! What's the incentive to do it this way? Advertisement Maybe this person loves emotional chaos. But you've liked them for a reason, right? Does this match what you know about them? I'm all for getting answers, to the extent you can. Ask and confront (calmly). If something sounds fishy, you can drop the whole thing. And if you don't mind chaos, you could ask around to see if anyone else got this message. But I wouldn't recommend it. It's the office, after all. MEREDITH Related : READERS RESPOND: Since you already were interested, it might be worth a reply. See how things go without getting your hopes up too much. Are you sure there's really romantic interest? Or was it just 'I'd like to stay in touch so maybe we can hang out sometime?' That might explain why he might have sent it to multiple people. LEGALLYLIZ2017 There could be many weird reasons for a BCC. Perhaps they sent the message to a personal account to retain a list of contacts. PENSUSE Dude's got game. Not very good game, but game nonetheless. BLISTERED-TOE You'll never know what the reason was if you don't ask. And what better time to ask then during your first date? You may find out your co-worker isn't too bright and thinks 'bcc' means encrypted or something. Or he (because this would definitely be a guy move) decided to shoot his shot with a few people. All that being said, did he send it from his work email or personal email? Hopefully personal because otherwise, how are you going to respond? THE-BLOG-CONSIGLIERIE Hard to give advice without clarification on the email. Did it have YOUR name in the email … like, 'hey Sue, you want to go out'? OR, did it not have your name? Advertisement BKLYNMOM Occam's Razor here. Maybe this guy just isn't very tech smart. But if you like him, why not just go on a date? EMPRESSETHEL To Whom It May Concern: I've always found you to be smart, and attractive. Now that I am leaving the organization, I would love to get to know you more and see if we have a connection outside of work. If you feel the same way, I'd love to take you to dinner at your favorite restaurant. Please acknowledge upon receipt. Sincerely, Your soon to be former colleague, in admiration. cc: me bcc: all the hotties at this dump. MAKATTACK Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .
Boston Globe
09-07-2025
- Boston Globe
My boyfriend is the most annoying man in the world
Sometimes I feel like we speak the way siblings would, picking at each other (yes, I annoy him too) and teasing until one of us actually gets mad. I notice it as it happens, but don't know how to stop it. I feel like it makes me less of a loving partner. Don't get me wrong — we still have great, loving times together, but just as many annoying times. Advertisement Is this normal? Are there couples who never annoy each other? And how do you think we could stop this from happening? Get Starting Point A guide through the most important stories of the morning, delivered Monday through Friday. Enter Email Sign Up – Annoyed Girlfriend A. It sounds like you need more time on your own. If you and your boyfriend are spending 24 hours a day together, you'll probably notice annoying things about each other. If quality time feels special — and not like filler activity — maybe you'll treat it that way. Also, it helps to think before you speak — with anyone. Can you take a beat before airing your grievance? Can you wait three seconds to ask yourself, Does that need to be shared? I'm trying to do this in my own life. Not everybody needs to know when I have to pee, when I'm too hot, and when I'm feeling socially anxious. I can think those things and make adjustments on my own. Advertisement Another thing to consider: Maybe you're annoyed with other parts of your life and it's easier to take it out on him. If you can't tell a best friend you're upset she's been unavailable, you might bring that energy into your romantic relationship. Stress at work? It's much easier to notice that your boyfriend makes a weird noise when he chews. Review what else is on your mind. Maybe if you identify the root of the problem, your feelings will go to the right place. Please know: I have seen many wonderful couples treat each other like annoying siblings. I have seen them whine at each other, make fun of each other, and go from teasing to tears in minutes. They tell me they want to stop. They have all said it takes intention and practice to be better. Really, if you love him, it's worth the effort. – Meredith READERS RESPOND Having a conversation about it would be a good first step. 'Hi, I have noticed that we have gotten into a habit of not talking nicely and I would like to try to change that.' LEGALLYLIZ2017 Sounds like it's time to practice a little mindfulness. Every emotion you feel doesn't need to negatively consume you, much less fuel the childish dynamic you've co-created with someone you purport to love. PENSEUSE Your relationship is one that should have ended almost three years ago. Sometimes we enter into relationships that are not worth maintaining. You are in such a relationship. BIGSIGH Listen to the new season of Love Letters wherever you get your podcasts. Advertisement
Boston Globe
22-06-2025
- Boston Globe
What can be done about a partner's bad moods?
If you have a naturally sunny and upbeat disposition and your partner seems naturally withdrawn and negative toward you, is it possible to change that, or must your partner want to change? Could you initiate a change in your partner's disposition on your own without deliberately discussing this with your partner? How can this be accomplished? SUNNY Related : Advertisement A. I am not a behavioral psychologist, but I have seen the movie 'Twilight,' which is about vampires with powers. I'm going to make a real point, I swear. The premise of the vampire lore in that book/movie is that vampires have special skills based on their personalities and human talents. In one case, a vampire can read minds. In another, they can cause pain just by thinking about it. One particular vampire can calm people down — change the mood of the room. What a Of course, it doesn't last long. People are people, and they'll get right back to being stressed or scared if that's how they feel. Advertisement This is my long way of saying: I don't think you can change someone else's mood. Maybe for a few minutes at a time, but it would require a lot of tap dancing — or a vampire superpower. The person in question needs to figure out why they're sad or upset. They need to know they're upsetting others and want to make a change. Worth mentioning, if I have a vampire superpower, it's that I can absorb moods. If someone is miserable, I am too, and sometimes I think whatever's happening is my fault. I've learned that in those moments, especially at home, I can give myself space. I can take a walk. I can let go of the idea of fixing the problem and do something nice on my own. If you experience this 'default mood' a lot, it's worth having a deliberate discussion about what's happening. You don't want to get to a place where you're afraid to talk about important things. You and your partner should be working on this together. If they refuse, please consider what keeps you around. MEREDITH Related : READERS RESPOND: Did Winnie the Pooh try to change Eeyore's personality into one similar to Tigger, LW? Or did he accept him as he was? AULDYIN No, you cannot change people's personalities. But more to the point, you should not be in a relationship with someone who is negative toward you all the time. ASH First, suggest they get screened for depression. If they refuse repeatedly, you may have to ask them if there is something particular that is bothering them about the relationship. If so, try hard to fix it if you can. But if they can't tell you anything fixable, or they respond with cruel or impossible suggestions, you may have to break up. If depression is ruled out or successfully treated, ask them to be honest if there is any way to fix the relationship … not them as a person, per say. Sometimes people are a temperamental mismatch. One person's 'negative personality' is another's 'clever, cynical snark,' which some people seem to like. Advertisement LITTLEPENGUIN456 I was married to someone whose default was being depressed. It was a medical condition and he was taking medication and going to counseling but it didn't seem that helpful. As someone who is generally positive, I felt like it dragged me down too. We eventually got divorced for many reasons. I don't think you can change another person just because you are more positive. You can do things that will make them happy for a while, but I think a discussion is necessary. Maybe they don't even think they are being negative. They also have to want to change. LEGALLYLIZ Send your own relationship and dating questions to or Catch new episodes of wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from .
