02-07-2025
Don't Be Careful, Be Competent—Coaching Wisdom From Hollywood
Csaba Toth -ICQ Global. Experts in data-driven, scalable leadership & team development. Psychological safety, motivation,cognitive diversity
Hollywood might not be famous for its wisdom, but sometimes we find the best piece of advice when we avoid dismissing something because of its packaging or where it came from.
I recently saw an interview with Tom Cruise where he explained his life philosophy and how he dealt with fear, uncertainty and impostor syndrome. Perhaps that interview caught my attention as I had just had a similar conversation with an outstanding coach, Cornelis van der Sluijs, who shared one of the three main lessons he has learned from coaching hundreds of leaders (including heads of some of the biggest companies in the world): "Some of life's best moments are unplanned."
Remaining Open To Possibility
It might seem unlikely, but it turns out Tom Cruise and Cornelis have a philosophy in common: Planning every single detail of our life can prevent us from enjoying that life, and it might also keep us from noticing an opportunity when it arises if it's not on our agenda—even if it's exactly what we need. And if we do notice it, we might stop ourselves from pursuing it because we feel unprepared or anxious or because we lose confidence and convince ourselves that if it were truly what we wanted, it would have been part of our plan.
Coaching is about remaining open to perspectives and possibilities while becoming better every single day. That idea seems simple, until we must put it into action. That is why the right coach can change lives. Trying to solve a problem at the same level where it was created, by thinking harder, is like trying to decrease pollution by increasing traffic. It does not make a lot of sense.
The feeling of being incompetent creates stress, while feeling scared and stressed can also make us feel we are lacking the skills to cope with the situation. And our brain struggles to differentiate between situations that are life-threatening and those that merely threaten our ego. The ability to separate these two concepts is the key to intentionally becoming more competent and flexible.
How To Keep External Pressure From Becoming Internal Stress
Executive coach Naushad Ramoly offers a simple and efficient technique. When an event happens, we assess whether it is relevant and whether it is positive or negative to us (primary appraisal). If it is relevant, we come up with coping options and possible outcomes (secondary appraisal), which leads to an emotional response followed by a behavioral one. This powerful method can immediately help us unlock internal, creative resources that would be otherwise blocked by our brain being in survival mode.
Here are three more tried and tested coaching techniques and questions you can implement anytime you feel that external pressure is transforming into internal stress:
Yes, it's a weird question, but it's meant as a powerful reminder that we have a choice when things get hard. We can get softer, like a potato in boiling water, or we can get tougher, like the egg. Under pressure, people tend to react instinctively like one or the other depending on their preferences and habits, but that is exactly when we need an anchor so we can choose to be coffee ... which gets magical in hot water.
Growth requires the right amount of friction, so realizing that the feeling of discomfort is a signal that we are expanding our boundaries can help us power through difficult situations with a relatively genuine smile on our face.
As discussed in the opening paragraphs, not everything is under our control. In fact, the only thing we can definitely control in a difficult situation is the meaning we assign to it—the narrative we create in our head that will create the emotional and behavioral response. We are in charge of that; nobody else.
This is exactly the moment when we have to interrupt our autopilot mode to apply some more accurate, neutral thinking. Change the narrative, change the response; and the outcome will be better, too.
This is by far my most effective technique. What it means is that next time you want to (or don't want to) do something, reflect on how you are going to feel about it the next day. Are you going to feel proud that you tried something challenging or regret that you ran away from something?
The Keys To Real Change
In a previous article, I looked into the often misunderstood world of psychometric assessments, as some people immediately dismiss them, while others take them way too seriously or use them in a way they were not intended for. Having said that, using them the right way, alone or with a coach, can make the process of getting to know ourselves much quicker and more accurate.
Let's be honest: It is much easier to get out of a maze with a map than without one, guessing and hoping for the best. As the world is rapidly changing around us and creating more uncertainty, it is even more important to draw our sense of certainty from something that cannot be taken away from us: an identity that is built on solid self-awareness. The more we know exactly who we are, what we stand for and how we can optimize our internal world, the more competent and flexible we become to seize the right opportunities.
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